Chapter 4

It was a 30 minute walk from the Rockbell house to the Resembool train station. There was no moon and it was very dark, but Ed didn't mind. The darkness suited his mood and he knew the way by heart.

For the first ten minutes his anger and frustration seemed to simmer away just under the surface of his skin. He clenched his fists and tried to think of other things but just couldn't stop replaying the scene with Winry over and over in his head. By the third replay he started to calm down. By the fourth replay he could admit that he definitely hadn't been at his best in that moment. And by the fifth replay he decided that he'd been an huge asshole. Ugh, how had things gotten this messed up?

He remembered back to when they returned to Resembool after the Promised Day. At that point six months of leave had seemed like such a long time. He didn't feel rushed to tell Winry his feelings and knew that he'd definitely do it before they left again. But it had been way harder than he thought. The three of them spent so much time together that he and Winry were rarely alone. The few times they were alone they were always interrupted or there were just stretches of silence that he couldn't force himself to break. Three weeks ago the perfect opportunity had come and he'd finally worked up the courage to speak, only for Winry to realize she'd left a pot on the stove and dash off to the kitchen. That was only a couple of days before Al's revelation had shocked Ed to his very core

The days after he'd learned of Al's feelings had been especially rough. Fortunately, he was a master at hiding his emotions, usually behind a shield of sarcasm and insolence. He thought it was ironic, but his lack of emotional transparency was probably why he'd had so much trouble confessing to Winry. It had been for the best though. Ed couldn't even imagine how his brother would feel knowing they loved the same woman. And he wouldn't dare try and imagine how Al would feel if Winry could return Ed's love. Hah. Those cards were definitely off the table now. Ed could read between the lines. Hadn't Winry made it obvious that she wanted nothing to do with either of them romantically?

Ed felt badly that he had exploded at her like that. He had been irrational and unfair but in the moment he just couldn't stop himself. Two nights after learning that Al loved Winry he'd laid in his bed, wide-awake and feeling awful. It was already clear to him that pursuing Winry was now out of the question, but it hurt to let her go. After tossing and turning for an hour Ed came to a surprising realization. If he couldn't be with Winry then certainly Winry and Al together was the next best thing. Al would love her almost as much as Ed himself would have. He would take great care of her and she of him. The more Ed thought about it the more certain he'd become that this was the best path to get over Winry. Although it would take sacrifice on his part, in a neat and tidy package he could ensure the love and happiness of the two people he loved the most.

The days following Ed's new resolution had been better, but were still challenging. As he suspected, he couldn't just turn his feelings for Winry off. Interacting with her was still painful and Ed adjusted by simply avoiding her. It was especially hard when they were all together with Winry and Al happily interacting. Every time it hurt though, Ed would remind himself of how happy they would be together and the pain would slightly ease, although never fully abate.

Earlier that night it hadn't been his intention to eavesdrop on Winry and Al's conversation. He told himself he would wait for their talk to be over so he could congratulate them both. After hearing her turn Al down and realizing that his plan lay in ruins, he'd lost it. Of course Winry was an independent being with her own agency, but he had gambled on her loving Al, because who wouldn't love Al? Now he understood that he had deluded himself into thinking Winry would love Al because it had been an easy and less painful alternative to knowing he couldn't be with her himself.

Frustrated, Ed kicked a rock, then picked up another rock and threw it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Every time she had mentioned Al being like a brother to her it had felt like a stab wound indicating her own brotherly feelings towards Ed. The pain had just made him more irrational. But it was obvious now that he'd been a dick, a really big one too. Of course she was entitled to love who she wanted. Of course she was entitled to every happiness. He just needed to let go of the fact that it wasn't going to be with him, or his brother. God. Weren't they the pair? The Elric brothers in love. We don't half ass anything, do we? Ed thought, dryly.

It would be hard, but now it was time to move on, especially so he could be there for Al. He looked out into the dark sky, seeing the faint outline of the trees against the horizon and the sprinkle of stars above them. He thought of Winry's smile, her fierceness, her determination, and her absolute dedication to those things and people who she loved the most. Finally, he thought about what it would have been like to have a first and last kiss. Then out loud, but quietly into the night, Ed whispered, "Winry, I love you...Goodbye."

With that final parting he trudged closer to the train station. He could see it now, gently illuminated by the glow of several lampposts and could just make out the figure of Al slumped on a bench, looking up at the sky.

Al must have sensed his approach, because without moving he asked, "Do you think it always hurt this much, brother?"

Taking a seat next to him on the bench, it was one of the few times Ed lied to his brother. "I wouldn't know Al, but I sure hope not."