Chapter 8

Ed had been back in Central City for two months now. Although it would never be Resembool, in its own way it was starting to feel like home. Since he and Al knew they would be stationed at Central or traveling for the foreseeable future, they had decided to rent an apartment instead of staying in the barracks. Even though he was sharing it with Al, renting his own place made Ed feel like an adult. It also created a sense of normalcy that had been missing from his life since his mother died. It was certainly odd, this sense of routine, but in a way extremely comforting after years of travel and the unknown.

After their assignment at the lab Al had beat Ed back to Central by two days. Shortly after they had gone on the promised food and beverage tour. Some of Mustang's team came along and everyone had a great time suggesting the best things for Al to try and where he should try them. Ed realized that he was surrounded by good people, enjoyed his work, and for once had a steady and mostly normal life. But ever since returning from Resembool he couldn't help but feel moody and tense. Maybe he was really at his best when he was traveling and the routine was turning him dull. Maybe he should put in a request to Mustang asking to travel more, and farther afield. Maybe then he'd finally be able to focus on what he did have and stop thinking about the one thing that was missing from his life.

Ed sighed and tried to turn his attention back to the alchemy book he was reading. It was a sunny morning and he and Al were sitting at the table in their new apartment. Ed happened to notice that Al was on his third bowl of cereal. Distracted again, he watched him for a minute over the top of his book. Al continued to eat, unaware that he was being observed. His brother munched away until quite suddenly he paused with the spoonful of cereal halfway to his mouth. Confused, Ed watched Al stare at the spoon with an obvious look of frustration. Suddenly, Al dropped the spoon down into the bowl and pushed it away from him.

Ed put his book down, surprised. "Are you OK, Al?"

Al turned towards him with a worried expression. "Ed, can I talk to you about something important?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Well," Al hesitated, "I, I'm not really sure how to put it into words. I just, I feel like there might be something wrong with me"

"Wrong? What do you mean?"

"I've been having some odd reactions lately. Compulsions really. They've been going on since I got my body back. At least, I can't remember them ever happening when I had my body the first time." Al looked really nervous, almost scared. "For example, it's really hard for me to stop eating sometimes, I just feel the need to keep going. And sometimes when I touch things, normal, everyday things, the sensation is really intense. Too intense. And other times I'll just randomly have the urge to do something and it will take a lot of willpower to stop myself from actually doing that thing."

"That's….that's really odd, Al." Ed felt deeply concerned. He had in fact noticed some of the things that Al was referring too, but hadn't thought very much about them. He remembered that time that Al had randomly smelled all those flowers in the garden in Central, and all the extra helpings he had been eating since having his body returned to him.

"I just, I feel like I'm not always in control…..and I don't know what to do about it." Al looked desperately down at his hands.

"Don't worry, I'm sure we can…we're going to figure this out." Ed squeezed his brother's hand, trying to reassure him. In all honesty though, he had no idea what to do. This kind of thing was completely out of his wheelhouse. It must be terrifying to not have that kind of control of your body and he couldn't imagine how scared Al must be right now. They needed help, professional help really. Wait, professional help! Of course, why didn't he think of him before?

"I know, why don't we go and talk to Dr. Marcoh about it?! He's seen all sorts of human transmutations, even other ones involving suits of armor. He has to have some idea of what's going on with you. He probably knows how to fix it too."

"You think so?" Al looked hopeful.

"Yeah, I would think so." Ed was feeling more confident by the minute. "I'll give him a call and ask him to see you right away!"

The next day found them both in Dr. Marcoh's waiting room feeling impatient and nervous.

After the Promised Day Dr. Marcoh had spent several months in Ishval learning alkahestry and tending to the medical needs of the newly returned Ishvalan people. He did still maintain an office with the military, specifically under Mustang, and returned to Central City several times a year to file reports and attend meetings. Actually, they were lucky to have caught Dr. Marcoh now since he was leaving in another week for several more months in Ishval to help them rebuild and stock their new hospital.

The man has done a lot of bad things in his life, Al thought, but he's certainly trying to make up for them now. They waited impatiently on plush green chairs. Al noticed Ed rapping his fingers on his knees and bouncing his leg. Al was feeling quite anxious himself, but his body was strangely heavy, almost calm.

He put his hand on his brother's shoulder. "You're more nervous than I am."

"Ehh, I'm fine. I just have a lot of excess energy right now."

"Thank you so much for coming with me. I really do appreciate it, brother." Al gave him a weak smile, the best he could manage at the moment.

"Yeah, of course."

The door to the inner office swung open.

"So sorry to keep you waiting, Al, Ed. Please come in. It has certainly been a while." Dr. Marcoh smiled down at them from depths of his ruined face.

Although Dr. Marcoh had the opportunity to fix his appearance with the same Philosopher's Stone he'd used to restore Mustang's sight and Havoc's legs, he had declined the offer, saying that the stone shouldn't be used for cosmetic purposes. Al thought that his true motivation was likely more psychological. It seemed that Dr. Marcoh was was keeping his warped appearance as a sort of penance for his past actions against the Ishvalan people, and a constant reminder to do right by them in the future. In some ways Al thought it similar to Ed keeping his automail leg. He knew that Ed still felt responsible for the human transmutation they had attempted to resurrect their mother. Sometimes these kinds of scars were the physical proof that a person had grown and changed. Al thought that both Ed and Dr. Marcoh were fine with having these permanent reminders. And in Ed's case, it also didn't hurt that the automail leg made Winry happy.

"Please sit down and tell me all about your problem." Dr. Marcoh motioned to two more plush green chairs positioned to face his desk. The office was small, but Al thought that was because the doctor was rarely in Central long enough to use it. It had a large window but was mostly bare except for the desk, chairs, and a bookshelf.

They both plopped down, and after a breath Al began to tell his story. As the words flowed out of him he could tell that Ed was quite surprised to hear some of the things he revealed. Honestly, he was kind of surprised himself. All these small, seemingly insignificant experiences had built up over time to form a critical mass of evidence that something was clearly wrong. He knew that he should have confided in his brother, anyone really, sooner, but it was only recently that he had begun to sense this feeling of wrongness within himself. And now it was like every odd sensation, inexplicable reaction, and odd interaction seemed connected. But were they?

The entire time Dr. Marcoh listened intently, nodding and occasionally asking Al for further clarification on one point or another.

"And is that the whole of it, Alphonse?" Dr. Marcoh asked when he finally fell silent.

"Well….there actually is this other thing." He couldn't help but look over at Ed, feeling guilty. "I'm not even sure it's related, but it definitely has been strange."

Dr. Marcoh nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"Well, you see there's this girl I love. And I tend to get really flustered around her and my face gets red. I guess that's not so strange, right? But what is strange is that after we returned to Central City I also started to get flustered around Lieutenant Hawkeye, and Lieutenant Ross, and even Sheska." He felt his cheeks redden at the memory. "Do I love all of them? That would be ridiculous. And I don't think so. I mean, I certainly like them, but I just don't understand why I would have the same reaction to them as I do with Winry. I'm just really confused!" He suddenly turned towards Ed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this brother, I just didn't want you to think I was some sort of serial polygamist or being disloyal to Winry."

"Please don't worry Al, it's fine." Ed gave him a reassuring look that was still laced with concern.

"Can you describe your reactions to seeing or being near these women?" Dr. Marcoh asked.

"Well, when I see Winry, my heart pounds, my face blushes. Sometimes I have trouble controlling my breathing or my hands shake. And it's the same way with Lieutenants Hawkeye and Ross and Sheska."

"And you do not have this reaction to any other women?"

Al thought for a moment and then shook his head.

Dr. Marcoh stood up and started to pace, deep in thought. It was several more moments before he spoke. "What you two have to understand is that we are currently in uncharted waters. Although I have successfully bound souls to suits of armor before, I have never restored those souls back to their original bodies. As far as my research and experience has shown me, Alphonse, you are the only person who has successfully regained their body after living within an inanimate object. In summary, what we do not know in this case vastly outweighs what we do know."

"So...so you don't know what's wrong with me?" Al felt panic rise up in his chest.

"I didn't quite say that." The doctor held up his finger to stop Al from speaking further. "I have my suspicions as to what the problem is. However, what you have to understand is that right now there is no way to scientifically prove my suspicions are correct since we have no prior data on which to test them."

Al started to feel more hopeful.

Dr. Marcoh continued. "We don't actually know much about the connection between the body and the soul, or mind. Even alchemy has not been able to explain it. We do know that it is quite complex. Obviously you are already an unusual case since your soul was previously attached to a suit of armor, but what complicates the matter even more is that you lived as a suit of armor for almost a decade before regaining your body. A very long time to be separated."

He took a breath. "Out of all of your experiences I think your unusual sensations and sensitivity can be most easily explained, so let me try. At the gate, your body encountered no physical stimuli for many years. Similarly, your brain did not need to process physical sensations for just as long a period. Simply put, your body is not used to touching or being touched and your mind is not used to processing the sensation of physical touch. I am least concerned about this since you have already reported that the intensity of these sensations has decreased over time to a level you would report as 'normal'. Is this correct?"

Al thought about how the sensation of taking a bath had become less intense over time, along with several other situations. "Yes, that's true."

"Good." Dr. Marcoh smiled. "I think we can assume that with continual exposure your body will regain its comfort with these stimuli over time."

Al sighed in relief. "That's great, I'm so glad you think so." He looked over at Ed who also looked encouraged.

"Now I want to move on to your apparent loss of physical control." Dr. Marcoh walked a pace or two behind his desk and continued. "You were without your body for a very long time, and during your developmental years no less. Your body and soul were separated when you were 7, correct?"

Both brothers nodded.

"And you were 17 when your body was returned to you. I think it's obvious that your body, waiting at the Gate, continued to mature without your soul present. I think we can also make the assumption that your soul was maturing while in the suit of armor." Dr. Marcoh frowned slightly. "This means that your body and soul were separated while very significant change was occurring to both of them. Over the years your soul gained character, knowledge, and experience and fostered relationships. Your body physically altered as it changed from a child, to an adolescent, to an adult. And while these changes to your body and soul were happening simultaneously they were still occurring separately since the link between them had been severed. Is this making sense?"

"Yes, it sounds right to me." Al nodded.

"So all of this we know to be true. But here is where the truth ends and we dive into the deep, murky depths of conjecture. I believe that since your soul and body matured separately your physical body has developed an abnormal amount of independence. From what I understand of your experiences, it seems that this is at the root of you feeling a loss of control. Your body keeps telling your mind that it wants to keep eating or to do this and that and your mind fails to put a stop to it because it's not yet properly re-integrated into the body."

Al felt frustrated. "Does that mean that I'm weak of mind or will or something?"

"No I don't think so." Dr. Marcoh assured him. "Alphonse, you have a stronger will than most people I've met. I would try not to think of it as your body and your soul…..doing battle, but instead think of it as two cogs that are supposed to mesh together perfectly," he interlaced his fingers to illustrate, "but are currently out of alignment, causing one of the cogs to exert more control over the other."

"I guess that would explain my occasional lack of control. But what about my….feelings towards Winry and the Lieutenants?"

"Well it's interesting you put it that way, Alphonse. Saying 'feelings' I mean. I'm not quite sure you do actually have romantic feelings for them. And this is where things get tricky. I believe that, for whatever reason, your body is supplying reactions that are not actually supported by your soul. All of the reactions you described to me earlier were exclusively physical. You didn't describe any emotional or mental reactions that occurred upon seeing these women."

Al thought for a moment. He tried to picture each of the women in his mind. He knew that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with Sheska, Ross, or Hawkeye. But why was he reacting to them in this way and not to anyone else? "Yes, I guess the reactions were all physical. But why them? Why would I react to them in this way but not to any other women?"

Dr. Marcoh nodded slowly. "Well, that's another interesting question. Although I have no idea if this is correct, I can certainly take a stab at it. All of these women are very important to you? They were before you got your body back?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Would you say that before you got your body back you felt strongly about them, but not romantically interested?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Then it would seem that this is another form of dissidence that is occurring within your body right now. Your mind is telling you that these women are important to you in a platonic way, but your body is translating that into they are important to you romantically, sexually. And it then puts out the corresponding reaction." He paused. "Coming to sexual maturity is hard enough for those of us who stay in our body, I'm sure that having to mature separately from the soul complicated the process even more."

"So…..I don't actually love any of them. Even Winry?" Out of the corner of his eye Al thought he saw Ed stiffen.

"Well, I can't answer that. Although I'd say that it's definitely possible that you don't. You will have to do some soul searching on that end."

For a moment everything felt strangely surreal. Al couldn't help feeling like an interloper in his own skin. He had trusted the signals his body was giving him, listened to them and responded accordingly. Now he was left with this hollow feeling similar to abandonment. How much and to what extent had his body controlled him, deceived him? But he couldn't just sit here and feel sorry for himself, he had to do something, anything to make this better.

"Doctor, what do you recommend going forward? Is there a way to better reintegrate my body and soul? Or will it be this way for the rest of my life?"

Dr. Marcoh rubbed his chin thoughtfully and let out a deep exhale. "I would be surprised if this is permanent, but I think without intervention it would become so."

"Is there any kind of alchemy, anything we could try that would fix it?" Ed asked.

"No, alchemy isn't what's needed here. I think what would be the most beneficial is meditation. The goal is the realign the body and the mind, and meditation is a way of quieting both in order to achieve harmony. I would recommend several hours of daily, structured meditation, especially in different environments, even in different weather conditions. You will want to be listening to the messages that your body and mind are sending you, allowing the two parts greater and uninterrupted communication. Hopefully, after some time, your soul and body will re-acclimate to each other's presence and function together as equals once again."

"Really? You think meditation can fix this?" Al was skeptical. He had meditated before, albeit irregularly. This was a serious problem and he doubted the ability of meditation to alter his condition.

"You would be surprised at the power of a quieted mind and body. Obviously, meditation is not going to fix a broken arm, cure a disease or a psychosis, but for this specific case I think it's the correct tool to use in this very unique situation."

There was silence as Al considered this. "Alright Doctor, I trust your judgement." At least there was something he could do to try and fix this.

"Until this dissidence is hopefully resolved you're going to have to do a lot of work separating your emotions and thoughts from your physical reactions. For example, try to separate your body's reactions to the women who have been affecting you with how you emotionally feel about them. After every bite of food really search yourself to see if you're satisfied. If your body is compelling you to take some kind of action ask yourself if you really want to do such a thing, and why or why not it's a good idea. Such mindfulness will really be important for you in daily life going forward."

They continued to talk some more about how to manage Al's condition and even worked out a meditation schedule that placed him in several locations at different times of day to achieve a diversity of environments and stimuli. They left Dr. Marcoh's office with Al feeling relieved. He was so glad to know the probable cause of his recent problems, and felt confident that he could manage, and maybe even correct the reactions that had been plaguing him.

He turned to Ed who also looked relieved, but still a bit concerned. "I feel like a weight has been lifted. Thank you so much for coming with me. And for suggesting Dr. Marcoh in the first place."

"Yeah, of course." Ed smiled. "I'm just glad he was able to help. And if there's anything I can do to help you get better, you know where I live."

"Thanks, Brother. I think this is going to be more of a solitary, introspective journey than anything else. But I'll definitely let you know if there's anything you can do."

In an effort to continue raising Al's spirits Ed suddenly stamped his automail leg on the ground and raised his right hand in the air making a fist "Hey! Together there's nothing the Elric Brothers can't do! Right?!" He looked over at Al with a grin.

"Ugh, so cheesy Ed. True, but cheesy."