October
Raito had always been a heavy sleeper. When Sayu reached her 'trouble maker age' (which spanned from seven to twelve) Raito had loathed this fact. It was incredibly easy for his sister to sneak into his room, take something or his, and leave without disturbing him in the slightest. Sometimes she would draw on his face, and if he didn't have time to scrub the pen marks off he would have to cover them with their mother's make up.
For his entire life, up until now at least, Raito thought that he could sleep through anything. L had proved him wrong with in the first week of them living together. Raito was used to sleeping through the entire night without being woken up once, but now he had come to expect at least one interruption.
This was why he wasn't surprised that he found himself awake after only turning in three hours prior. His mind too foggy to identify what it was that woke him, Raito fully expected to open his eyes to L staring at him from across the room. At first the thought of L watching him sleep had creeped him out. Now he was embarrassed to admit to himself that he found the idea slightly arousing.
Knowing that if L wanted him awake he wasn't going to stop until acknowledged, Raito pushed himself into a sitting position and opened his eyes to the dark room. To his surprise L wasn't watching him. The boy was laying down in his own bed, asleep. It was only then that Raito registered that it was the sound of vigorous tossing and turning that had woken him.
L was having a nightmare. Now that Raito was awake, he could also distinguish the sound of stifled sobs. L was crying in his sleep. Acting on instinct, Raito jumped out of his bed and flew across the room.
"L?" He softly laid a hand on his friend's shoulder, doing his best to still the tossing and turning. "Wake up, you're having a nightmare."
This sleep was the complete opposite of the peaceful image that Raito had walked in on a few days before. Instead of a relaxed expression, L's face was contorted with pain. He tried to squirm out of Raito's grip. Raito heard him whimper when he wasn't able to. The bags under L's eyes were coated in tear stains.
"It's okay," Raito made his voice as soothing as he could. Gently, he ran his free hand over L's forehead in an attempt to sooth him. "It's just a dream. You need to wake up now."
Raito carefully shook L by the shoulders. This did the trick. L woke up with a gasp, frantically pushing himself away from Raito and out of his grasp.
"It's okay," Raito spoke louder now. "It's just me."
"Light-kun." L stopped trying to scoot away from him, but Raito could tell that he was not yet relaxed. "What are you doing?"
"You were having a nightmare," Raito stammered, suddenly afraid that L would get the wrong idea. "You were crying—I was trying to help."
"I know," L touched his shoulder. "Thank you. You can go back to sleep now."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Raito suggested, not willing to leave L alone even if he would only be going to his bed across the room.
"I'm fine, Raito." It was as if L thought Raito wouldn't be able to hear the way his voice was shaking.
"You're still crying," Raito noticed. He tried to wipe away the tear that was now rolling down L's cheek, but L moved his head away from Raito's reach.
"I'm fine," he repeated, his eyes meeting the edge of the bed. "Go back to sleep, I'll be fine."
Time seemed to slow in Raito's mind as he made a painful revelation. For the past three days he had been doing everything he could to get L to notice him. Raito wanted to reel L in because he was attracted to him. This was true, and even now part of him had the urge to lean over and press his lips against L. He wanted L and longed for L to want him back.
It was only now that Raito stopped to fully take in what this meant. It was only now that he realized everything the boy he had just pulled from a nightmare meant to him. L was his best friend. Aside from Misa, L was the only person that Raito felt he could be himself around. L had run to his rescue—risking getting hurt himself—back when the two of them acted like they hated each other.
Attraction was far too shallow and simple to define how Raito felt for L. He wouldn't go far enough to say that he was in love with his roommate, but this boy certainly meant more to him than any crush or past relationship ever had. Was all of that worth risking on a romantic pursuit?
If L rejected Raito, and there was certainly a possibility he might, he wouldn't know what to do. It would break his heart and ruin their friendship.
Raito brought his thoughts back to focus. Now wasn't the time to think about everything that could go wrong. Right now he needed to do what he thought was best for L. He didn't know how often L had nightmares such as the one he had tonight. He shuttered to think how many times he must have peacefully slept through L battling his sleep-terrors. L might not want to talk about what happened, but he still needed comfort. Without saying anything, Raito stood up and slid onto the bed.
"What are you doing?" Raito could hear the tension in L's startled voice.
"It's okay," he said for the third time that night as he slipped his arms around L.
"Light-kun," L's voice was a whisper.
"Everything is going to be okay," Raito heard himself murmur. Slowly, he felt L relax into his embrace. L let his cheek rest on Raito's forehead, and Raito listened to his breathing calm.
"Thank you," L's breath ghosted across Raito's face. "For waking me up and for doing this."
"You have nightmares a lot," Raito wasn't asking.
"Almost every night," L confessed.
"I'm sorry," Raito felt like a terrible person. "We've been sleeping in the same room for months and I've only noticed now. All I did was complain about how you never slept. I'm such an idiot!"
"No you're not," L cut off his self disparaging ramble. "You don't have to be sorry, it's not your job to notice these sort of things."
"You're my best friend," Raito didn't feel how true these words were until he heard himself say them. This was the closest to saying 'I love you' that he could go.
"I thought Misa was your best friend," L said.
"It's different with her," Raito dismissed. "Do you want to tell me what your dream was about?"
"I don't remember," L said sheepishly. "It doesn't matter, they're all the same in the end."
"Does something cause them?"
"Sometimes nothing," L admitted. "Sometimes stress. They got better for a little bit, then they got bad again."
"Why?"
"I was adopted at the age of five," L's voice was soft, but Raito was close enough to hear him clearly. "I don't remember much before then, I think I blocked out most of it. My insecurities are triggered when I feel lost and alone. This adds to stress and encourages the nightmares."
"Is it because you moved here alone?" Raito's tone was just as quiet as L's had been.
"No," L told him. "Something happened last year. It made me feel worthless."
"You know," Raito spoke a little louder now. "Something happened to me last year that made be feel pretty awful too. Everyone hated me—most of them still hate me—and I thought that I was never going to feel okay again. Then an annoying boy who ate too much candy stood up for me."
"Light-kun…"
"You made me feel like I wasn't alone," Raito couldn't help but smile. "As long as I'm here, I promise I'll do everything I can to keep you from feeling alone."
"Thank you," L whispered again. "I'm sorry I woke you."
"Don't be," Raito cut this off. "Please don't ever feel sorry."
"Okay," L said lightly. "I won't."
"Good," Raito pretended that they were arguing.
"But I will feel grateful." He could see L smile out of the corner of his eye.
"Really?"
"Only a little bit," L added.
"Right," Raito leaned into the crook of L's neck.
"You should go back to your bed before you fall asleep," L advised.
"No."
"I'm fine now," he added. "Really."
"I don't trust that word from you," Raito told him. "And I don't want to go back."
"Oh," he couldn't read the emotion in L's voice.
"Can I stay?" Raito made sure L knew that he was asking. If L wanted him gone, he'd leave.
"Yes." L shifted his weight, then Raito felt the boy put his arms around him.
He let his eyes close, enjoying the embrace and forcing away all thoughts that longed for anything more. This was all that Raito needed. L's hair brushed against his eyelids, but he didn't do anything to move either.
He felt L pulling himself closer. For a moment, Raito wondered what was going on inside his friend's head. L shifted his head, and Raito heard the pillow under then shift with him. He could feel the warmth of L's body heat, feel L's face pressed against his, feel his breath, feel something soft press against his lips.
Raito's eyes shot open.
L's lips were on his. L's eyes were half open. L was kissing him.
Raito was going to pull away. He was going to ask what was going on. He was going to tell L that he wanted this, but only if L was sure that he did as well. He was going to stop long enough for them to both realize what they were doing.
Then he didn't.
Then he pulled L even closer. Then he let L deepen the kiss. Then he felt more alive than he ever had.
Thanks to Callicanios and Corliss Kat for the reviews!