[Self-inserts done right are hilarious. So I decided to actually make one. Then make it entirely in present tense, as though it is being told to someone as it happens.]

Okay, we have a white Dodge Ram driving along a road, carrying a buncha college students and a professor doing a film class, who have decided to make a documentary. Their topic is on Mount Ebott, a mountain with a history of disappearances. They are working under... codenames! Look, there they are now. Enjoy their terrible dialogue!

"Okay, you four. This is a very bad idea."

"Relax, teach! We remember the safety briefing you had me write."

"Very funny, Exodite (the unbelievably sexy)."

It was then that something completely out of context, in particular, a nasty twister happens, causing the driver to swerve the car off-road and through some rocky terrain... just in time to see a small child in some sort of clearing near what appears to be a bottomless pit to the left.

"What the..."

Then a boulder makes to block their path, and he is forced to hang a left.

He sees the child be shaken into the pit, and the wheel seemingly freezes.

The backseat passengers are hugging each other in a panic by now, and the truck follows the child into the pit.

"This is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"McHale, I blame you!"

"I love you guys!"

"It was I who ate all the bacon!"

"You what?"

*CRASH*

A few seconds pass.

A few more seconds pass.

"So, this is the afterlife, huh? Looks like a cave to me."

"Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... Oh, it couldn't be. Could it?"

"Oh, hey guys!"

"IT IS! Oh, it is..."

"Guys, this isn't hell. Let's get out of the truck and start filming. This has to be infinitely more interesting than the documentary we were originally going to shoot."

dave speaks up.

"Elroy, that is amazing. Let's get to work."

They all get out and break out the remarkably undamaged camera gear.

"Let's get this show on the road."

Elroy, the cameraman, powers that puppy up.

"Okay, we're rolling."

Exodite begins with

"Testing, one, two, three."

Elroy gives the "okay" and they begin their march.

Prof. Gerald waves over to the fallen child. The crew moves the camera over.

Gerald helps them to their feet, and they begin walking towards the doorway.

"Hello, kid. What's your name?"

The child is silent.

"Fine. Be that way."

A yellow flower starts talking.

"Howdy! I'm Flowey! Flowey the Flower!"

Immediately, Exodite (the Godlike) and Dave get on their knees and scream in anguish.

"No! It really is!"

Flowey is visibly this.

"What are you two doing?"

"This is hell! Why else would everything be unnecessarily saccharine?"

"You IDIOTS. You think you know hell? I'm trapped in this shell of a flower and I cannot feel a thing."

"Oh. Hooray, you're tragic! You're coming with us!"

"What?"

Flowey is vigorously pulled out of the ground and stuffed into an empty milk carton, with some soil thrown in for good measure.

"This is very tight."

Suddenly, a noise can be heard approaching. The steps give about ten seconds to point the camera at it.

"Oh."

It is a giant bipedal... goat-thing. Okay, show of hands. Take a wild guess who it is.

"Hello. I am TORIEL. I take care of the RUINS. Come along."

"Um... Toriel, right? Can you point us the way OUT of this place? I mean, it's nice and all, but we have a documentary to make."

"It is not safe for you out there."

"Lady, we just fell down a very large hole in a nigh indestructible (trust me, we tried) truck. At this point, we're just going to make a documentary, and we're reasonably well-equipped for hostile environments."

Exodite makes back to the truck and starts rummaging through the backseat. Dave starts attempting to interview Toriel.

The interview goes something like this:

Dave: I'm speaking to one Toriel. Hello, Toriel, I'm Dave.

Toriel: Hello Dave. I am TORIEL. Ask away.

Dave: What is this place, to begin with?

Toriel: These are the RUINS. They are the site of the old monster capitol.

Dave: Monsters? Okay, assume you are talking to a complete idiot. What are monsters?

Toriel: Monsters are people who are largely magic. We are somewhat less corporeal than humans, due to our nature.

Dave: Fascinating.

Toriel: There was a war between humans and monsters.

Dave: This is new. Seems like the kind of thing that would be covered in history books.

Toriel: Oh. Long story short, humans banished monsters to the Underground, and now we have this BARRIER between us and the rest of the world.

Dave: Barrier, huh? Enlighten me, what does it do?

Toriel: It prevents anyone from leaving. You're never getting back to the surface.

Dave: That doesn't look good for our (the documentary crew's) prospects for the future. We'll be sure to figure something out.

Toriel: It would be safer to stay with me.

Dave: We're going to die horribly anyway when the safety board tears us apart for our shenanigans. Thank you for your time.

Prof. Gerald comes back holding several sheathed machetes.

Toriel is taken aback, before commenting that

"Those look unsafe."

Dave pauses but for a second before noting

"What? We've gone through safety training. We know how to operate them.

The weird kid comes along with Toriel just like that. She doesn't even have to promise them candy or anything.

Okay, to recap, they fall down a hole, and there's this goatmom running around who has a massive lady-boner for safety. Seriously, how much stranger could this get?

"You... film crew can set up in the basement."

Prof. Gerald, ever the pragmatist, tells Exodite to get the tents.

So the camera crew breaks out the camping gear and Exodite breaks out his favorite - sea rations, tasting reassuringly like nothing anyone would recognize.

Finally, they get to Toriel's basement, after a few painstakingly filmed puzzles that make absolutely no sense. Seriously, why were these needed?

Also, apparently, spiders are holding a bake sale. The weird kid gets out what looks like gold, and pays the spiders for what looks like a donut.

To begin with, where is that kid getting gold?

Oh, wait, flashback.

Frisk attempts to console the little Whimsum, but it runs away, leaving some gold on the ground. Frisk shrugs before picking it up and continuing on.

As Dave and Elroy settle down for a friendly game of *that game that must not be named or else I'll get a three card penalty*, the weird kid comes down.

"Oh, hello little..."

Then Toriel snatches them up, citing that

"I think you should play upstairs instead."

In the confusion, the empty milk carton is overturned, and Your Best Friend makes his escape.

A few minutes later, Toriel walks past them with a determined look on her face.

Prof. Gerald speaks up.

"What's going on?"

Toriel spares him a glance, before telling him that she is going to destroy a portal. This sounds film-worthy, so they break out the camera.

The weird kid races past them as they start filming.

Toriel essentially tells the kid to go upstairs, but they refuse. Finally, she tells them to prove their strength.

FIGHTING START!

While Toriel starts indulging in some latent pyromania, the film crew gets to watch the little kid just... do nothing but dodge.

After a few minutes of this, Toriel just... stops. Apparently, she can't do this anymore (or something).

So she boots the kid out, and the film crew just follows.

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IT'S 30 BELOW?

WHY IS THERE SNOW UNDERGROUND?

THIS IS HELL, ISN'T IT.

Wait, why isn't the kid reacting at all to this? Hang on, the kid's looking at a pile of snow.

Is that... a camera? Someone's muscling in on their scoop?

[Horus say: "Heresy A-OK!"]

Welp, probably isn't important at this point, because they're being followed. But by what?

Exodite waves Elroy over and...

"We've got company. Appears to be ignoring us. Let's get into the trees around that fence-like thing ahead and see what happens."

Sure enough, the thing ignores them and focuses on the weird kid.

"Human..."

Okay, kid's freaked out. What do they do? Nothing. Figures. Oh, look, they're turning around!

What is that sound? Is that... a whoopee cushion?

Okay, this isn't funny.

Well, maybe a little.

Why were they having so much NaCl over this?

Oh, goody, a skeleton comedian.

Oy gevalt.

[Tune in if I actually put effort into this for a Papyrus/Undyne ship.]