December
Raito awoke to a cold empty bed, and he had trouble stopping himself from remembering the last time that this happened. The night before L had told Raito not to wait from him, he hadn't told Raito what he would be doing, but mentioned that Raito would probably be asleep before he was finished. Raito weighed the possibility that L had joined him, woken up first, and slipped out of the room without waking him.
He quickly got dressed and ready for the day. Although it was never fun to talk to L about his ability to go a night without sleeping, Raito had a feeling that this time it wasn't just because of his boyfriend's insomnia. He found L sitting alone in the living room, the rest of the household were still in bed.
"Good morning," he greeted L.
"Morning," L sounded dazed.
"Is something wrong?" Raito stood behind L's chair and wrapped his arms around L's shoulders. "You didn't come to bed last night, did you?"
"We need to talk," L murmured.
"What about," Raito kept his tone light, he leaned his head into L's hair.
"Something is wrong," L stated.
"What is it?" Raito pulled away, giving L the chance to see his face and vise versa. L's eyes were tried, and Raito could tell this was not from sleep deprivation. Something happened.
"I eaves dropped on your phone call with Misa," L informed him in a guarded tone.
"Is that all?" Raito's face first formed an expression of laughter. Then he remembered what Misa had felt the need to bring up over than conversation. His face fell. "I can explain."
"I'll save your the trouble," L said harshly. Then he placed Raito's cell phone on the table.
"You stole my phone," Raito hadn't realized that he was missing it.
"I called Kiyomi Takada," L continued.
"You didn't," Raito could feel everything crumbling around him. This was a sensation that he had only felt once before, but now he was far more afraid.
"She told me why everyone from your high school hates you," L was still talking.
"Why didn't you just ask me?" Raito heard his voice exclaim.
"Why didn't you tell me first?" L mirrored. "We both know that if I asked you would have lied."
"That's not true," Raito knew it was.
"Why did you keep this from me?" L sounded sad now.
"I didn't want to hurt you," Raito tried to justify. "I didn't want you to think the wrong thing."
"And by hiding it you've ensured that I do," L finished.
"That happened before we even met, I was a different person back then," Raito stammered.
"Then why should it hurt me?" L asked. "If it was all in the past, you should have been able to tell me."
"I'm sorry," Raito meant this. He was sorry he hadn't told L when he had the chance, and now he was paying the price. "I didn't want to tell you after you told me about the guy who broke your heart. I didn't want you to think that I was like that."
"Because you basically did the exact same thing to three people," L snapped.
"It wasn't the same thing," Raito tried to argue.
"How am I supposed to trust you?" L demanded.
"I told you I changed," Raito could hear frustration mixed with sorrow in his desperate voice. "That was back when I was confused, and depressed, and trying to hide who I really was."
"Do you know who you are now?" L asked. "Should I feel safe because you don't have any reason to hide who you are?"
"Stop it," Raito shouted. "You're taking this too far!"
"Maybe I am," L said softly. "But that doesn't change the fact that I don't know what to think or how I'm supposed to feel."
"You're mad because I cheated on someone I had no feelings for back when I was going through an emotional crisis without any support," Raito's defense morphed into an offense. He could feel himself getting angry at L for being so upset over this.
"Does it matter that you didn't care about her?" L sounded appalled. "She cared about you, so did Misa."
"Do you honestly think that I'm going to cheat on you?" Raito rounded on him.
"I don't know," L said numbly. "I didn't want to think you were capable of hurting someone like that."
"You're being unfair," Raito sputtered. "It's different with us!"
"The last time someone said that to me he had just broken my heart," L's voice was dangerously neutral.
"Do you think that I've just been pretending to care about you?" Raito demanded.
"No," L whispered, avoiding Raito's eyes.
"I thought I already proved that I care," Raito seethed.
"I don't know how to trust you," L murmured.
"This is why I didn't tell you," Raito's voice came out softer and more hoarse than he intended it to.
"Because I'd over react?" L bitterly wondered.
"Because I love you and I wanted to protect both of us," Raito let the words fall from his lips. "I wanted to protect you from being hurt by something that has nothing to do with you, and I wanted to save myself from having to watch you close off. No matter what I say, you've already decided that you don't believe me."
"You love me?" L was staring at him now.
"Yes," Raito tried not to let the flash of hope he saw in L's eyes give him false hope.
"I need to be alone," L turned away from him.
"L, wait!" Raito suddenly felt sorry for shouting. He could have handled the whole thing better. L was out of the kitchen and back to his room before Raito could catch up. Raito tried to door handle, and wasn't surprised that L had locked it "Can I say one more thing?"
"No," L said through the door. "I need to think."
"L, I'm sorry—"
"Stop apologizing!" L raised his voice before reverting back to his calm tone. "I just need to think."
"Okay," Raito took a step back, aware that L couldn't hear his whisper.
He turned away from the closed door and stumbled out of the hall. Raito let his legs slowly take him to the front door. When L's family woke up, he wasn't sure he wanted to have to talk to them. He couldn't leave the house, if he did he was sure he'd get lost immediately, so he just sat on L's porch.
His eyes squeezed shut as he willed away tears.
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Misa's voice was scratchy through the speaker of Raito's phone.
"No I don't want you to talk to him," Raito sighed in exasperation. "That'll probably make everything worse."
"This is all Kiyomi's fault," Misa was trying to deflect Raito's self-blame onto the only other person involved.
"No it isn't," he told her. "I'm the one who decided not to tell him. Even you said that I should."
"'Even me,' what is that supposed to mean?" she could tell it wasn't good. "Well, I'm still going to kick Kiyomi the next time I see her."
"Please don't," Raito groaned.
"Too late," she said triumphantly.
"What?" Raito might have laughed in any other situation. "You couldn't have kicked her in that amount of time. Or see her for that matter."
"I'm joking you idiot," she probably rolled her eyes as she said this. "Jeez, he's probably never going to sleep with you now."
"Misa, that is not what I'm dwelling on," he scolded.
"Yeah, but you had to have thought about it," Misa said back.
"I think I'm going to hang up now," he said blandly.
"I'm not helping," she realized.
"Yeah," he admitted.
"Call me after he's talked to you," she instructed.
"I will," he told her.
"I'm sure he'll calm down," she added.
"I know," he lied.
"Bye, Raito," he heard her hang up.
Raito ran his hand through his hair, trying for the hundredth time to clear his thoughts. He was startled by the click of the door behind him opening.
"If you sit out here forever, you're going to freeze to death," Mail leaned against the doorframe as he informed Raito of this.
"Not possible," Raito said in a flat tone.
"Well it's not good for you," Mail settled with. "Emotionally, that is."
"Nothing is good for my emotions right now," Raito replied.
"Wow you're really depressing," Mail complained as he sat down next to him. "If this is what happens to happy couples when they fight, I may need to rethink my relationship."
"I don't think that Mihael would appreciate that joke," Raito informed him.
"No he would not," Mail sheepishly confirmed. "Which is why I am not going to make it again."
"The two of you were fighting yesterday," Raito remembered Mail storming out of the house.
"Yeah."
"But you worked it out?" Raito asked.
"For the most part," Mail shrugged. "We're trying to start things over, forget mistakes and all that."
"That's an interesting solution." Raito doubted that he or L would be able to forget a mistake the other had done. Even now he was waiting for L to accept his past, but he knew it was impossible to ask L to erase anything from his memory. "What happened?"
"He lied to me," Mail didn't tell Raito what kind of a lie Mello had told. "Then he told me the truth."
"I see," Raito wished that his own problem had gone more like this. "Then you got mad."
"Obviously," Mail admitted.
"Was it that bad of a lie?" Raito didn't ask for further details.
"I guess it depends on your point of view," Mail ran a hand through his red hair. "I've been working on seeing his."
"Which is why you forgave him," Raito assumed.
"More or less," Mail shrugged again. "Maybe you and L should work on seeing each other's view points as well."
"You're giving the wrong one of us this advice," Raito informed him.
"Well I can't talk to L," Mail explained. "He won't come out of his room, and Mello and Near have decided they will be the first people he speaks with as soon as he gets out."
"Are they waiting outside of the door?" Raito guessed.
"They're taking shifts," Mail chuckled. "It's Mello's shift now, so I decided I'd come talk to you."
"Thanks," Raito meant this.
"Are you mad at L?" Mail asked. "I know he's mad at you, but how do you feel about it?"
"He's taking things too far," Raito confessed. "I see where he's coming from, but I do not deserve the reaction I'm getting from him."
"You did something," Mail pushed.
"I kept a secret," Raito stated. "But it was for his own good and didn't have anything to do with him in the first place."
"Sometimes too much honesty is better than too little," Mail sighed. "I think I would have preferred that from Mello."
"Everything is easier with hindsight," Raito replied. "But I understand that I should have been honest. Too many people have told me that."
"He'll forgive you," Mail told him. "Mello says that when L left for university he said he didn't want to date anymore. You must have changed his mind."
"He's very guarded," Raito mused. "I'm glad that he stopped being like that with me."
"You should tell him that," Mail suggested.
"I will," Raito decided. "As soon as he starts talking to me."
"Are you going to come inside?" Mail asked.
"Maybe," Raito sighed. "Not just yet."
"I'll tell him were to find you when he comes out," Mail stood up and walked back to the door.
"Thanks, Mail," Raito gave the boy a forced smile.
"I think I'm going to go by Matt instead," Mail told him before going inside.
Thank you to Callicanios, America is Awesome, and Corliss Kat for the reviews!