Author's Notes: Happy New Year! Here, have another! One of the questions I received was "Where is a good place to start for Jane Austen?" I think that for a start everyone should read Pride and Prejudice, one of her most famous and popular novels. It's my favourite book of all time actually. And from there it's up to you. Sense and Sensibility is also good, and I actually read that one first. Emma is an easy read, but it's not my favourite. And of course, read Persuasion. It's my sentimental favourite just because the characters are older and in a different place in their lives than her other heroines. I'm not a big fan of Mansfield Park or Northanger Abbey so I can't really recommend them. If you want to watch adaptations, you need to watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. It is fairly accurate to the books and being almost 6 hours long, has the time to hit almost every plot point. Yes, it's from 1995, and now 20 years old, but it's so well done that it has aged well.

Beta: Sumiregusa (Let's hope for another Winter Winds chapter soon and if not, more stuff on her published book!) and Animanical-Laughter ( she's working on translating some of the Japanese RK materials and posting on her tumblr yay!)
Rating: T
Warnings: Some language.
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is owned by Nobuhiro Watsuki. Persuasion is in the public domain, but was written by Jane Austen.

Chapter 19

She had some feelings which she was ashamed to investigate.
They were too much like joy, senseless joy! - Persuasion, Jane Austen

"What do you think of the house so far?" asked Kanryu, as he guided Kaoru in to yet another large room.

"It's very big," said Kaoru. She glanced around at the high ceilings and Western style furnishings. "And opulent."

"I modelled it after houses I saw in Europe. I even brought over materials so it would be authentic."

Kaoru looked around again. While the house was very lovely and obviously very expensive, she longed for the comfortable simplicity of a Japanese home. All the rooms were confined and the house seemed disconnected. While she had to admit it had nice qualities, she knew that it wasn't a house she could see herself in.

"You don't like it," said Kanryu, a slight frown on his face as he observed her less than enthusiastic reaction to his home.

"I have to be honest, it's not really my style."

Kanryu looked at her and sighed, slightly defeated. Kaoru put her hands up.

"I've always lived in a dojo," she offered truthfully.

"Fair enough," Kanryu relented, admitting defeat. Kaoru laughed slightly at his sad face and he smiled back at her. He held out his hand for her, while Kaoru waved at Tae who was sitting at a small table in the garden. Kaoru sat down besides her.

"How was the tour of the house?" asked Tae.

"Interesting," said Kaoru, eyeing Kanryu with a small smile.

"She hates it," said Kanryu sitting down and signalling for a servant to bring them some tea.

"I don't hate it," said Kaoru. "I'm just used to a more traditional house. It's a very lovely home."

"She hates it," Kanryu sighed again and took a sip of his tea.

"Surely, you don't hate it," said Tae, trying to find some middle ground. She had happily accepted the invitation to Kanryu's estate for tea along with Kaoru. Tae had noticed that Kaoru had grown quiet and sullen the last few days and thought visiting Kanryu at his home might help lift her spirits.

"Hate is too strong of a word," Kaoru tried again. "I wouldn't choose it for myself, but I'm sure one would learn to appreciate it after living there. This is the first time I've seen a foreign style home as grand as this. I am a bit shocked by the style."

"See, Kanryu-san!" exclaimed Tae. "Anyone, Kaoru included, would come to love this place after spending time here." Tae smiled brightly at Kanryu, hoping to alleviate his forlorn expression and recommend Kaoru to him.

Kaoru tried not to be concerned about why it was important that she approve of Kanryu's house. It was very large and luxurious with many features she had never ever seen before, while she admitted that it was nice, she longed for the peacefulness of her own dojo, with its large room that could be opened so that the house and dojo seemed as one. Despite her earlier comments, she didn't know if she could ever be comfortable here.

As Kaoru sipped her tea, Tae asked Kanryu questions about the house and gardens and she listened silently to the gentle flow of their conversation. Kaoru knew that Tae was here to help encourage the match between herself and Kanryu. And Kanryu, even if he hadn't spoken openly of his intentions to pursue her as a wife, his actions made his interest clear. For some reason, he had recognized her hesitation in accepting him as a suitor and hadn't put any pressure on her to make a decision.

After a few minutes, a servant came up to Kanryu and whispered in his ear. Kanryu stood up and excused himself, saying that he had some pressing business to attend to in his study. Kanryu quickly walked back across the large lawn and disappeared in to the house. As soon as he was gone, Tae turned to Kaoru.

"Really, Kaoru, would it hurt you to be more complimentary?" Tae admonished her. "He is making such an effort with you. You have to give him some sort of encouragement or else he may change his mind and decide not to propose."

"Are you so certain of that?" asked Kaoru.

"Of course I am," said Tae. "And, look at this place Kaoru. You could live like a queen! You should be doing all you can to encourage him. I know I am doing everything I can to help secure the match! And it doesn't hurt that he is quite handsome!"

"I doubt he would be quite so handsome if he wasn't quite so rich!" Kaoru rolled her eyes. She really didn't want to discuss this with Tae right now. What she wanted was some peace and quiet so she could continue to deal with the turmoil she felt over Sayuri's letter. Kaoru knew she should be happy for Kenshin, happy that after such a difficult life he had some measure of happiness. But she couldn't help but grieve for the second time over all that she had lost.

"Kaoru, please," said Tae softly. "I only want what is best for you. This life," Tae gestured around her, "this is the best there is. How can I stand and watch this opportunity pass you by?"

"What do you want me to do?" asked Kaoru. She was tired of the constant pressure and could feel herself starting to relent to Tae's eager argument in Kanryu's favour. She knew that she shouldn't be persuaded so easily, but she was feeling weak and for once she just wanted something to be simple.

"Think about it, Kaoru. Think about a life with Kanryu. It's not too late for you. Please don't let me believe that I have failed your father when happiness is just within our grasp."

Kaoru nodded meekly and finally relented. "All right, I will consider it." And she would, both the pros and cons.

"That's all I ask." Tae patted her hand reassuringly.

After a few minutes, it was became that Kanryu would not be back soon.

"You should go find him," suggested Tae. Not wanting be barraged by arguments for why she should go interrupt Kanryu, Kaoru rose and walked in to the house. Inside a servant asked her if she needed anything and pointed her in the direction of Kanryu's study. As Kaoru approached the door, she heard several voices inside.

"What were you thinking? Do you know how long it took to set that facility up? And now it's all gone because you decided to show off?"

"I didn't know that he would follow me." Kaoru recognized the voices. The first was Kanryu, she could hear his angry voice echoing down the hall. The other one was Gohei. She was certain of it.

"You didn't think…Do you know how hard I've worked trying to stay a step ahead of that rabid Wolf?"

"Please Kanryu-sama, the other warehouses are still safe." Another voice. Kaoru recognized it as Kihei. Were they both involved in Kanryu's businesses? Kaoru knew that Gohei was, but it seemed that Kihei also had a larger role than just running a dojo.

"For how long? Do you think he's going to give up that easily? And now, he has that turncoat bastard and his resources working for him, too."

"Kanryu-sama, they will not be a threat for long."

"What do you know? You can't even purchase something as simple as a house."

"But Kanryu-sama, I have sent another offer on your behalf. And I've included a bonus if he can get her to sign the…"

"You fool. I have that situation under control. And yet you interfere. I should let those two teach you a lesson in respect." Kanryu seemed to take a heavy breath before speaking again. "Enough of this. I must return; My guests will wonder at my absence."

"Kanryu-sama, I have nothing but respect for you. But don't you think that some other…"

"Some other what?"

"Some other choice. I know that Kamiya-san is very beautiful and young but she is far beneath you and…"

"Silence or else I will teach you that lesson in respect myself! Get out!"

"But Kanryu-sama!"

"Get out now!"

Kaoru quickly moved away from the door, as she heard a scrambling noise inside the room. She just managed to hide herself behind a large ornate vase when Kihei came stumbling out, his face flushed red. Gohei followed behind with a sour expression on his face. The two men quickly hurried out the front grand entrance.

Cautiously Kaoru came out from behind the vase, her mind reeling from what she had heard. It was obvious that the Hiruma brothers were much more involved with Kanryu than she had imagined. And given what little she had heard about their business transactions, whatever their work was, it did not sound wholly honourable. Was there something going on that she should know about? She knew little of businessmen and their dealings, so she wasn't sure what to make of Kanryu's aggressive manner and rough language, so different than the face he presented to her.

Did Kihei object to her relationship with Kanryu. Kihei especially had always been kind and respectful towards. Gohei was different, but he was mean and gruff with everyone, including his brother. But was there more going on than she knew. It seemed that the Hiruma brothers were involved with Kanryu in more than just the dojo. Was there something going on that she should know about?

Moreover, it appeared that Kihei objected to her relationship with Kanryu, which surprised her, as Kihei had always been kind and respectful towards her. Gohei was different, but he was mean and gruff with everyone, including his brother. Was it just that like how Tae had never approved of her relationship with Kenshin, some of Kanryu's circle would not approve of their apparent relationship? She was the daughter of a formerly well-off samurai, and he was an ordinary merchant's son. Only a few short years ago, they would have been mismatched in status and a match between the two of them would have been almost impossible. However, opinions had changed rapidly. Now, many once proud samurai families were penniless and poor, their wealth and status stripped during the war and the installation of the Meiji government. It was the merchants and businessmen who were wealthy and powerful now. Though noble, many former samurai had turned away from their heritage and were embracing this new industrial way of life.

Now Kanryu was the person of higher status. She knew Tae approved of the match, but would others? Kaoru herself was doubtful if such a marriage was something she wanted to pursue, but she had just promised Tae she would give it a chance.

Kaoru slowly approached the open door. Inside, Kanryu had his head down, muttering as he shifted papers around his desk. Kaoru coughed slightly and he looked up, alarmed. He quickly masked his features and replaced his scowl with a gentle smile, while moving the papers into the large wooden desk and locking the drawer.

"Kaoru! I'm sorry to keep you waiting, I'll be back out in the garden in a few moments." Kanryu turned to one of his ever present men. "Can you please escort Kaoru back out to the…"

"I couldn't help but overhear," Kaoru said. Kanryu looked up sharply, but his expression didn't change.

"Overhear?" Kanryu said. He slowly walked around the desk.

"Your conversation with Kihei and Gohei," Kaoru admitted. Kanryu moved to stand in front of her. His expression was unreadable.

"And I just want to say, that I have noticed your attentions towards me," Kaoru paused and took a deep breath. "And while they were never desired on my part, they are appreciated."

"Kihei stepped out of line," said Kanryu harshly.

"He may have," said Kaoru, thinking briefly of Tae, "but he may be trying to persuade you out of making a mistake."

"You are not a mistake, Kaoru," said Kanryu earnestly. "You are one of the most endearing creatures I have ever met."

Kaoru blushed slightly and looked away. Kanryu smiled and offered her his arm, in the manner of foreign men Kaoru had seen.

"Kaoru, you don't have to give me an answer now," Kanryu began as she took his arm. "And I don't want to pressure you. But you must realize what I intend to ask soon."

Kaoru nodded, knowing full well that one day soon Kanryu would ask for her hand. At this point, she didn't know what sort of answer she would give him. Especially after accidentally seeing this new businessman side of Kanryu.

"I can wait though," Kanryu said. "I am patient."

"Thank you," said Kaoru, and she meant it.

oooooooo

Kaoru grunted, as she raised her bokken to block the strike Gohei had aimed for her head. The force of the blow pushed her back, but her footing was sure and she managed to stay upright. She pivoted quickly and moved to the side, breathing heavily as Gohei moved to strike at her again.

"What's the matter?" Gohei laughed as he swung and Kaoru narrowly avoided the strike.

"Nothing," breathed Kaoru, she sized Gohei up looking for an opening. He was much taller than her, though, and for a man of his size he moved quite quickly. But she was still quicker. His strength was something she could never hope to match, so she knew that she would have to use her wits and speed to beat him, hoping that if she could last long enough, she could find an opening. So far, the strategy was working, and she could see the awe in her students' faces watching two masters from different schools go head to head. But she was getting tired, and knew that she couldn't keep parrying his blows forever.

"Heh," Gohei laughed. "I'm not going to go easy on you just because you are Kanryu's bi…"

"Brother!" shouted Kihei. Gohei was momentarily distracted and Kaoru took the opportunity. She launched herself at him, trying to land the hit that would end the match. Just as her wooden sword was about to connect with the top of his shoulder, he reached his left hand up and caught it, something that would be impossible if they were using real katana.

Kaoru hung there, gripping the end of her sword. Gohei pulled her close to whisper so no one could overhear.

"He'll tire of you eventually and throw you away like the trash you are."

Gohei then gave a mighty heave and tossed Kaoru across the floor. She hit the wooden floor with a thunk. She quickly tried to right herself but he was too fast and Kaoru felt the tap of his sword on her shoulder.

"My point," Gohei said smugly.

Kaoru sat there, trying to catch her breath, as the students slowly moved out of the dojo. She didn't know why she had agreed to the match with Gohei, as she usually despised these kind of exhibitions. But she was feeling restless and thought that maybe having a real match might help ease her anxiety.

Kihei came over to help her up but Kaoru brushed him off. Ever since she had overheard his conversation with Kanryu, things had been a bit strained between them. She had assumed they would ask her to leave, since Gohei seemed back for good and they didn't need two teachers at the dojo. However Kaoru was sure that Kihei was reluctant to get rid of her because of the favour Kanryu had shown her. He might not approve, but he wouldn't go against the much more powerful man. Yet despite his comments to Kanryu, he was still overly kind and friendly to her, which she knew now was just an act.

Soon the dojo was empty and Kaoru finally let her shoulders drop. She was upset at herself for losing to Gohei. She was frustrated with Kihei's treatment of her. She was once again letting herself be swayed by Tae's opinions. She was still nursing a broken heart about Kenshin. And on top of all this she was conflicted over what sort of response she should give Kanryu.

Kaoru stood up and brushed herself off. She thought that she should go back to the restaurant and get cleaned up, but her restlessness still hadn't left. Kaoru gripped her bokken tightly. She had to get past this.

Kaoru dropped back into the first stance and raised her sword. Quickly she worked through the various kata of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, her muscles knowing the movements from memory.

As she moved through the teachings of her school, she felt her mind begin to clear. She felt her troubles start to melt away, like snow after the first spring rain.

She wasn't going to change Kihei and Gohei's minds, but at least she was aware of their true feelings about her. If they wanted her to leave they would tell her and until then, she vowed to stay. The students were flourishing under her tutelage and she did not want to disappoint them. She would stay at the dojo until she was no longer needed.

As much as she loved Tae, and considered her almost to be the mother she never had, she knew that she couldn't defer to her judgement any longer. Tae thought she had Kaoru's best interest in heart, but Kaoru was older and wiser now and knew that what Tae wanted and what she wanted were different. She needed to be strong, and not submit to Tae any further than she already had. Tae was not living her life. Tae did not have to live with the consequences of whatever choices Kaoru made.

Kaoru finished one kata and instantly launched into the next. As she continued to push herself, she thought of Kenshin. The pain of finding out that he was engaged to Akiko had started to lessen, and Kaoru realized that she had to face it head on. For some reason fate had thrown them back together after so many years and while in her eyes he would always remain one of the best of men she had ever known, they were clearly not meant to be. Kaoru resolved to be happy for him. After giving up so much, and sacrificing so much for Japan, he deserved to be happy. Kaoru would bear the burden of her broken heart alone, and she knew in time, it would heal and she would move on.

But could she move on with Kanryu? From a material point of view she would want for nothing if she were to accept his eventual suit. She knew that most people would consider her a fool to turn him down. He was powerful and rich, and as his wife, she would be able to do whatever she wanted. She would be able to open her own dojo and never have to worry about money ever again.

But she didn't just want material things. She wanted to be loved, and in return, love someone. Could she love someone else? Could Kanryu be the one to finally mend her heart after Kenshin?

Kaoru stopped. "No," she whispered to herself. She knew, when she faced it, that she could love no one but Kenshin and she had doomed herself to a life alone. Kenshin was forever out of her reach. And even if she did accept Kanryu, she would not be happy.

Wasn't that what her father wanted for her? Her happiness?

Kaoru sighed, finally admitting the truth to herself. If she couldn't be with Kenshin, she could not be with anyone. Ever since she had given him up so many years ago, she had doomed herself to a life alone. She couldn't love Hiroki and she knew she would never be able to love Kanryu.

There was only one man for her, and the mark he left on her heart was so deep that she would never be able to recover.

ooooooo

"Kaoru-san! Is that you?"

Kaoru turned towards the voice who had called her name. She smiled as she recognized the woman coming up the street.

"Tokio-san!" Kaoru put down the basket she was carrying and embraced the other woman.

"What are you doing in Yokohama?" asked Kaoru.

"My husband is here on police business," said Tokio warmly. "I thought I would accompany him. As much as it is nice to have a home, I do admit I get a bit of wanderlust from time to time. It comes with being married to a policeman I suppose. My husband is never in the same place for long."

"Ah," said Kaoru, trying not to think about how the Kamiya dojo was currently unoccupied. Tokio smiled and gently patted her arm.

"Don't worry," said Tokio warmly. "I am not staying here long. I'll be back in Tokyo by the end of the week. Your home is quite fine."

Kaoru sighed with relief. Tokio was too perceptive for her own good. She looked at the basket that Kaoru was carrying.

"Are you planning for a big party?" asked Tokio, looking at the sake bottles in Kaoru's basket.

"Yes, sort of," said Kaoru. "The dojo where I'm teaching is putting on a demonstration for some foreign businessman. Takeda Kanryu is sparing no expense."

Tokio's face darkened slightly at the mention of Kanryu's name, but before Kaoru could ask why, Tokio quickly replaced it with a mask of happy calm.

"That sounds lovely," said Tokio. Kaoru picked up her basket and the two women continued walking. Kaoru changed the subject when Tokio didn't seem interested in discussing Kanryu.

"How are things in Tokyo?" Kaoru asked. "I haven't heard from Sayuri lately."

"Well, everyone at the Maekawa-dojo is busy with the wedding plans. You think with how short their courtship was they would want to prolong the engagement. But Akiko insisted on getting married as soon as possible."

"Sayuri must be beside herself. Akiko is young and enthusiastic, but I thought that having such a long and difficult recovery would have tempered her a bit."

"Despite recovering from her injury, that girl still continues to shock everyone. I couldn't believe it when Sayuri told me how rushed the courtship was."

"Rushed?" Kaoru asked, confused. "Himura-san and Akiko have been courting for weeks."

"Himura?" Tokio stopped and gave Kaoru a puzzled look. When she saw the confusion on Kaoru's face, Tokio's face brightened in realization. "You haven't heard, have you?"

"What do you mean? Isn't Akiko engaged to Himura-san?"

"Akiko is engaged, but not to Kenshin," explained Tokio. "She's going to marry the son of an innkeeper from Hakone."

"Tadashi?" Kaoru nearly shouted. Kenshin and Akiko…were not engaged. Akiko was going to marry another. Kenshin was…

"Free," Kaoru whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh sorry, nothing." Kaoru waved her hand, trying to keep her hands from shaking, but not entirely managing it. "I don't understand though. I thought Akiko was set on marrying Himura-san."

"So did everyone!" Tokio said. "Kenshin had even mentioned that Akiko might be the type of girl he should marry. But when Sayuri returned to Tokyo, she announced that Akiko was engaged to another man. Apparently this Tadashi boy he spent time reading to her while she was recovering. Oh youth, to fall in love over books!"

"I see," said Kaoru. "And how did Himura-san take it?" Kaoru prayed that Tokio couldn't see the hope blooming on her face.

"Rather well, I believe." said Tokio. "He wasn't there much after he brought the doctor. He travelled to Osaka soon after. I saw Kenshin after I heard the news and he wished for nothing but their happiness."

Kaoru tried to still her face, but she couldn't help but smile. Kenshin was free. Joy bubbled in her chest at the thought. She didn't know if she should allow herself to hope; if Kenshin was not engaged to Akiko, what did that mean for her? Would he want to see her again? Would he renew his affection towards her? Was it even possible?

Kaoru briefly remembered the look of longing in is eyes, when she had nursed his wounds that one dark night weeks before, though it felt so much longer. There had still been a rift between them, then, of Kaoru's own heart's resolve, and Kenshin's supposed affections for another. Now, they were both free, and she felt clear to make her own decisions, aware of her own heart. If he renewed his affections towards her, would she accept them.

Yes, she shouted in her head. Yes, she would, a thousand times over.

"Kaoru?" asked Tokio. "Are you all right? You've gotten quiet."

Kaoru quickly collected herself. She hadn't realized that they had walked quite a distance without saying anything, she was so wrapped up in her thoughts.

"I'm fine Tokio," said Kaoru. "Really." She couldn't stop herself from grinning. "Better than fine, actually. For the first time in a really long time, I feel wonderful."