Begin Act 2
Chapter 6
Tears
We're kept unheard if we're silent
Waiting on others to make a sound,
Leads to walking blind instead of self-reliance
Eyes on the back of the pack
It's time to make the day yours
Complacency never makes an impact
Believe the media controls you if you don't act
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
But when we speak, listen, and act,
That's when we change
Cross laid back on the ground- felt herself sink into the mud, the rain splatter on her face. She opened her mouth, felt the water splash onto her tongue. The light sprinkling had turned into a full-blown storm some time ago, but she felt no need to retreat inside. She was trying to summon up a memory- of being submerged, of tasting life itself, of being unable to breathe, but mostly, of peace. Cross wrapped her hands around her stomach- that was part of the memory too, being held down. It wasn't a pleasant memory, but it was his last true moments- what he became after wasn't him anymore.
That thing had not died happily- the basic instinct to survive combined with Luxaar's fear and hatred had turned it feral. Lao had talked to them, through a mouth that was not his, but he wasn't really conscious. He was in an incredible amount of physical pain, and Cross had heard them in his last moments- thousands, maybe millions of animals with the minds of newborns- some aggressive, some fearful, all panicking, all pressing down on his mind. As soon as she realized what was happening, she'd slammed up the strongest mental barrier she could manage, but for a few seconds, she was in the same confused, injured state Lao was.
The same few vital seconds she could have saved him in, had she not hesitated.
The wind and rain was wild and loud, like the chimera's mind had been, and she could almost hear him;
("Charmaine! Chenshi! I love you!")
"I love you," she whispered. Those words had made him happy, once.
(She panted, the locked room dark. He was across the building, but in a similar state- sweaty, flushed, and exhausted. The first time he'd tried this was awkward; his pleasure had come through to her, and she couldn't completely block it out even with his help.
"What are you doing?" She moaned.
"...Something I don't want you watching!"
"What… oh! Oh. Um."
He'd decided to take a cold shower instead, and she couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. The feeling, even second hand, was so different- so much stronger- from her dreams. She wanted to feel that again, but… She couldn't just ask him to do that for her benefit!
The next time, he gave her a warning first- he'd try to block her out, so she wouldn't have to get involved.
She felt… dissatisfied.
Why?
Cross felt blood rush to her cheeks. Maybe she could… join in instead?
That surprised him, but he agreed. The knowledge of "how" came through to her.
And now she was locked in her room, sweaty and tired and happier than she had been in weeks. She loved this- and she loved him for showing her. She loved him.
She hadn't realized what she was thinking until it was too late- he'd heard her. "I'm sorry!" she sent.
"You don't have to be sorry. But… You do realize I don't feel the same, right?"
"Yes. I know, I'm sorry, I know you'd never…!" She bit her lip, eyes burning.
"Stop that."
"What?"
"I told you not to apologize. If anything, I should be." He hesitated. "The way you feel… It's the best feeling I have. I love it when you think about me- it makes me feel like…"He stopped. " But I know it's selfish of me to say that."
She smiled as his feelings came through to her, and she felt warmth spread through her chest. She sent him a feeling of invitation, and she felt him in her mind, subtlety lost. He drank her love like a man dying of thirst- he felt nothing but her. "I love you," she said.
"I love you too," he responded. It was a reflection of herself that said it, but it was with his voice, and she glowed with pleasure.)
She pressed her hands against her stomach, which was suddenly tied in knots. That night had been wonderful- a beautiful charade, but still false. He'd felt horrible in the morning. He'd gone much farther than he'd intended- in his mind, he'd betrayed Charmaine. "Traitor" was the word that echoed through his mind that day- she'd blocked him out to give him some privacy, but…
That was the mistake that sealed his fate.
It was an idiotic mistake, in hindsight. She knew he'd been keeping things from her- the blank patches of space in his Room attested to that. She knew he came into her mind much more often than he let her into his, and sometimes he poked around like he was looking for something, but always got defensive when she searched too deeply into his mind.
She was happy to give him his space. He was thankful for that, gave her a small smile and a quiet "Thank you," though he found her kindness somewhat shocking. (And another word, one that he always associated with her- Naive. Now, Cross thought "stupid" was a better choice of words.)
She hadn't suspected a thing.
Not that day when he'd blocked her out completely, when his mind was churning and his anxiety and guilt made him sick.
Not when Team Belisarda was wiped out. Her only thoughts then were for his safety.
Not when the piece of the Lifehold turned out to be a Ganglion ambush.
Not until Elma spelled it out for her.
She'd denied it even then, but her mind knew it was true. He was in bad shape- there had been some damage to his mim's head, and his thoughts weren't making much sense. For five days, she waited. On the sixth, she had to get answers;
(The Maintenance Center was closed for the evening, when she made her move. She'd entered half an hour earlier, and compared to her missions in Calduros, keeping out of sight of the workers was a cakewalk.
He'd been moved out of the capsule chamber, onto a proper bed. His physical damage had finished being repaired, but he hadn't been released yet. Cross entered his room quietly. He was sleeping.
She reached back into her mind, felt his, and entered. It was a park, wide open with dogs and children running around. Lao was sitting on a blanket with Charmaine. He was watching one child in particular, a young girl of eight or so. Cross saw her face- joyful grey eyes framed by dark red hair. She could see Lao in her- red hair seemed to be all she got from her mother.
Cross opened her eyes, back in the dark room. She hated to wake him, but she needed her answers- and she knew it was better she questioned him than Elma.
She touched his arm. "Lao."
He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Hm?"
"I'm sorry, but I… need to ask you something." Her heart was racing, but he was calm.
He sat up, took her hand gently. "What is it?"
Something was off. "Are you okay?"
"What kind of question is that?" He laughed. "Of course."
She knew something was wrong- she reached into him.
He was still in the park, looking at his wife.
She cursed internally. That must have been why he hadn't been released yet. She was sick and tired of being second to Charmaine- being mistaken for her again bit like acid.
"Are you okay? You look worried," Lao interrupted.
"Huh? O-oh, I'm fine."
He took her other hand, pulled, and then next thing she knew, she was laying on the bed next to him, separated only by a sheet.
He nuzzled his face into her red-brown hair, and whispered "I love you."
The first time this happened, those words had made her heart race. Now, they made her mouth bitter. She'd be getting no answers tonight. "I love you too," she said, and it wasn't a lie. "But I need to go."
He tensed, pulled her close to his chest. "Don't."
"Lao, I really need to-"
"Please!" He begged, "Please, don't leave yet. I know this isn't real, but… I just want to hold you a little longer."
That was a surprise. She felt conflicted- she was still pretending to be his wife, but if he knew she wasn't really her, was that so bad?
"Okay, but just a little longer," she conceded. "If they catch me here I'll be in huge trouble."
"You… came to visit me? This isn't just a dream?"
Her throat tightened. Well, she'd come this far; "I came to visit you, yeah."
"From where?"
"A world a long way from where you are."
"Was it difficult?"
"Well, I did have to sneak past some guards..."
"I'm sorry it was trouble. I'm sorry." He pulled her tighter, buried his face into her neck. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault- I promised I'd give you-us- a second chance. I'm sorry I broke my promise. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I loved you when I had the chance. I'm- I'm sorry..!" His voice broke, and she felt tears on her throat.
"Let go," she whispered.
"Why?"
"Just do it." He let go, and for a second she considered leaving, but only a second. She rolled over and wrapped her arms around him, one under his head and one over his torso, and held him.
They'd had dreams, and that one night in Noctilum, but this was the first time they'd really touched. His body was slim, but his arms were strong. She never wanted to leave, didn't have the heart to tell him she had to go again.
She didn't have to. Less than an hour later, he let go. "Thank you," he said. "You can go now, I… I'll be fine."
She felt empty as she left. She paused at the door. "I'll hold you to that. You hold yourself together… for me. Please."
"I will," he responded with conviction.)
Cross felt herself shiver. Her own soaking arms made a poor substitute for his embrace, and her body temperature was dropping. She sat up and headed for the Industrial District- she wasn't ready to go back to the barracks just yet.
Right now
I'm looking at my life
I want to change myself to hear you more!
So I can stay
How to make our life better
Think, can you try?
I'm talking about what we're supposed to do
How to make our life anew complete
You can live your life with no hopes
Next time: Milk, or "JAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVA"
"How could you!? How could you betray humanity!? How could you hurt Lin and Doug like that!? You asshole! You're the worst! I HATE YOU!"