A/N: This week might not have two updates sadly because its so crazy busy for me but I'm hoping to get to another one asap :)

And I always forget to do this but I don't own anything sadly. If I owned Gilmore girls or any of the cast (especially Milo!) I'd be making my own GG movie and also never give him up either haha.

Jess got home that night very confused. He wasn't sure what to think of Rory's visit earlier and he wasn't even sure he believed her about not only visiting him. He had no choice but to believe her though because what else was there? She couldn't be coming just to see him. That ship sailed long ago.

He sat down on his couch and grabbed a book off the table beside it. Minutes passed where he tried to read but the words were not going through to his brain. Jess shook his head, not even realizing what book he left there and put it back down. He looked around the room for something to do, anything to make his thoughts not wander back to where they so desperately wanted to go.

That did not work. Jess ended up walking over to his bookshelf, to the first ever copy of The Subsect printed. As he flipped through the pages, he remembered how the book came to be. He remembered that stupid self-help book Luke gave him. He remembered reading it in hopes he and Rory can at least repair their friendship and get to a better place. Anything was better than where they were at that point.

Jess had a whole speech prepared that night when he left Stars Hollow. Luke offered he stay a few more days but he said no. He often thought about what would have happened if he had stayed? The Subsect probably wouldn't have happened, that was for sure. And what else? He wasn't so foolish to believe he and Rory were going to get back together and ride off into the sunset. Maybe that was why he left, to go right to her. Luke had given Jess Rory's dorm address with hesitation, but he had given it nonetheless. He was grateful his uncle didn't press on what he planned to do.

Honestly, he thought he was going to back out of the plan before he drove the 22.8 miles.

When he opened that door and saw Rory right there, standing in front of him, looking beautiful with her short hair that he liked on her, he almost stopped breathing. Then he saw Dean standing there as well and his speech stuck in his throat. He did not plan on that at all. Rory told Dean to go, surprising them both and even herself a little if he still could guess her thoughts. His speech turned new, telling her they were meant to be together and to run away with him.

He scared her off. He knew it. Rory looked so confused and terrified and he was kicking himself for coming on so strong. Jess knew he should have just followed the book but actually coming face to face with her, the idea of losing her again...to Dean, it made him crazy. After she said that final no, he backed off and walked right out. He drove back to New York City and started writing.

There was lots of different things he wrote about. He wrote about her and the way her hair would fall when she studied. He wrote about the giggle she would make when they were alone and he kissed her neck. Mostly he wrote about how he felt when he left her, that last sight of her getting off the bus and how she cried in Kyle's bedroom after he pushed her too far.

Jess walked over the door, where he put that dreaded red notebook he was looking at earlier. Usually he would never bring this home. It stayed kept locked up in his desk because one, Chris and Matt never dared look in his desk. And two - the most important of all, that he would never admit to - Jess couldn't bear what memories the red notebook held. He didn't even quite understand why now he had brought it home in his bag and was wanting to look through it.

He recalled being at a coffee shop in Lower Manhattan one afternoon. The night before Jess has gone drinking and hooked up with a random, faceless girl that he left before dawn. After going home and showering, he took the notebook with him, writing as he nursed his hangover and tried to pretend he didn't imagine that girl from the previous night was a certain blue-eyed brunette.

A man saw him writing and walked up to him. He called himself Matt and said he was in town looking for new poets. Jess didn't understand what this had to do with him until Matt pointed at the notebook.

"Are you a writer?" He asked.

Jess had shrugged. "Not really."

Somehow that conversation had led to Matt worming his way into Jess' life. He even soon read a draft of the red notebook's contents. But never the actual red notebook. Jess never let anyone but himself touch that book.

In a few weeks' time, Matt convinced Jess to come to Philadelphia with him and check out their publishing company. He was hesitant at first but reluctantly agreed. He felt exposed as Matt read the words he put down on paper. Jess felt like all his thoughts, all his fears, his heart was being exposed for everyone to see. Everything he felt about his mother, his father, Luke, his friends and especially her - Rory - was in there even if not directly said. He anxiously waited for them to finish.

Jess looked through the book. His handwriting scribbled all over pages and his heart on the line. He took deep breaths as he went back in time, refeeling everything he ever felt back then as if it was yesterday. The pain when she said no in her dorm room felt fresh all over again. Eleven years later and the thought of that night still managed to rip his heart open.

He slammed the notebook shut. Jess didn't even know his face was wet until he sniffled. He was crying. Quickly, he wiped his face and stood up, pacing and running his hands through his short hair. "What the fuck am I doing?"

He sighed, taking a deep breath and walked out the door. He couldn't take ot anymore. Ever since he saw her again this time, he couldn't get her off his mind. And it was more than usual. He didn't like it, didn't like this feeling. Jess took a long walk he hadn't done in a long time to a bar he hadn't been to in a while. It was the same bar he went to after that torturous open house. He stepped in and ordered a drink.

...

"Hello?"

"Jess!"

Jess closed his eyes. He should have guessed this phone call was coming. It had been a while since he had seen Liz and now that he was visiting Luke, she was sure to ask for a visit.

"Hey, Liz."

"I wish you would call me mom," she said in a sad voice.

He felt bad but not bad enough to call her mom. There was too much...much there. "What's going on? Everything okay?"

"Everything is fine," she assured him. "Luke told me you're in town."

"Yeah," he nodded to himself and looked around the home of his teenage years. "For a little bit."

"You should come see your sister!" She happily said. "You still haven't met her, Jess. And I really want you to know her."

"Maybe," he replied.

Liz's next words sounded sad again. "Please come. I miss you."

What was he supposed to say to that? That he missed her too? That they had more than a few good moments together in their past despite being mother and son? "Okay."

"You will?" She asked excitedly.

Jess sighed, hoping he didn't regret this. "Yeah. How about now, actually? I'm not doing anything."

"Really?!" She asked. "That would be fantastic! TJ isn't here though."

"That's okay," he said, relieved. Jess was never fond of his step-dad no matter how good TJ treated his mother.

They made plans for ten minutes. Liz's place wasn't that far from Luke's and he figured the sooner he got it over with, the sooner he could go back to avoiding everything.

Jess knocked on his mother's door and waited. He was staring at the ground when she opened it up and his little sister was in her arms. She was ten months old, already looking like a year old. He smiled at her as soon as he saw Doula. He also knew he was a goner for his little sister the second he saw her.

Liz was pleasantly surprised to see Jess with Doula. She was curled into his lap when they sat on the couch. They looked so sweet. Once when she got up to get herself tea and Jess was talking to her. Doula lit up at her older brother and he did the same right back. She had a feeling that no matter what, her and Jess would be okay when she looked at her two kids together.

He finally left two hours later. Jess wasn't even sure how he was there so long. Before he left, he even made plans to come back and see Doula before he went to Philadelphia. Liz hugged him on his way out and he kissed his sister goodbye. Luke was smirking at him when he came back home, like he knew Jess caved and saw his mom. Neither said a word but Luke just gave him a look that told him he was proud of him.

...

There was a loud siren that woke Rory awake. She looked around her dark hotel room and down to herself as she remembered she fell asleep in a chair. It took her a while to remember why she was in a hotel but then Philadelphia and seeing Jess came back to her. It came back to her how she just didn't want to be driving anymore so she pulled into the first hotel. Rory wasn't even sure where she was.

She stood up and stretched, walking over to the window to see if she can see the cause of the siren. A car's lights were flashing right in the hotel's parking lot. Maybe someone had bumped into the car. Maybe someone tried to break in. "Shit."

She still wasn't in a driving mood and she wasn't sure how close she was to home. Rather than risk leaving and not being awake enough, she sat down on the bed. It was so comfortable compared to the chair she woke up in. Rory had an idea suddenly. Taking out her phone, she considered the chance of her actually saying what was happening - how she drive to Philly or her confused feelings for Jess.

Shaking her head, she decided she needed to say it to someone. Her mother would help but Rory didn't know if she wanted to tell her about this yet. He had always been a touchy subject for the two of them and finally now Lorelai and Jess were on good terms. Talking to her about mixed feelings on him might mess that up. Instead, she called the one person who would always tell her the truth and not let feelings get in the way.

The voice answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

Rory sighed in relief. "Hey, Paris."

"Rory?" She asked. "Its ten o'clock at night."

"I know," she said.

"Why are you calling at ten o'clock at night?" Paris continued. "You never do."

"I know," she repeated. "I was hoping for advice."

"On?" Rory imagined Paris crossing one of her arms while the other held a phone. "Be fast because Doyle and the kids are asleep and I was hoping to be soon, as well."

Rory took a deep breath. "Do you remember Jess?"

"The ex-boyfriend nephew of your mom's husband?" She said after a few silent seconds.

"That's the one," Rory confirmed. She was glad Paris never called him hoodlum or bad news as others had and still did.

"Yes, I do then," Paris replied suspiciously. "Why?"

"I saw him," she said into the phone.

Paris' response was fast. "So?"

"So I felt something," Rory added. "There was...feelings."

She imagined Paris nodding along, her debate face on. "What kind of feelings? Hate? Disgust? Annoyance? Like? Attraction? What was it?"

"I'm not sure," Rory bit her lip. "Maybe strong like. And...attraction."

"Oh, geez," Paris sighed.

Rory sat up straighter. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're not with Huntzberger anymore," Paris said maybe too bluntly. "Of course you have feelings for your ex. Doesn't this always happen, especially with Jess?"

"It doesn't always -"

Paris cut her off. "There's either two things here, Gilmore."

"Two things?" She questioned, wondering if she made the right choice in Paris but then remembering she did no matter what she says.

"One," Paris started without letting any silence exist. "You could be going back to something old and comfortable. You're divorced now. Maybe you want something familiar and Jess is definitely in your life some way or another since your mom married Luke."

"Right," Rory nodded. She was considering that option, that she only turned to him because he knew her so well. "But I wouldn't call our relationship comfortable. We had a lot of problems."

"Yeah, yeah," Paris cut in. "You like talking to him right?"

She closed her eyes then opened them again. "Right."

"There," Paris pointed out. "Comfortable."

Rory was getting anxious. "What was reason number two?"

Paris sighed, obviously had wanted to say more before moving on but letting it go. "That you love him. That you've always loved him. It would explain why you kissed him while with Dean and Logan but never kissed anyone else while you were him. And it would explain why you pined for a year after you broke-up."

"I didn't pine," Rory defended.

"Sure," Paris said dryly.

Rory was quiet for a moment, thinking of everything Paris said. Finally, she said something again. "I'm not in love with him."

"You're not?" Paris asked.

"No," she answered. "I was, a long time ago. But not now."

Paris didn't buy it. "Are you sure?"

"Sure," Rory lied. She was sure, not at all. That kiss they shared before she left definitely didn't help any either.

"Okay," Paris finally said. "Then I don't know. My life coach didn't teach me beyond that."

"Paris?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," she smiled. "For letting me talk. I know we rarely catch up now but I needed to say it to someone. And you were the only person I really wanted to."

"What about your mom?"

Rory shook her head. "She and Jess are...friendly, kind of, now. If she heard of this, she might not like him."

"But its not like he's chasing after you," Paris pointed out.

"I know," Rory said defensively. "I just don't want to make anything awkward."

Her mind trailed to the kiss again and to seeing Jess earlier. That conversation was awkward no matter how much she didn't want it to be.

Paris broke her out of her thoughts. "That makes sense. She might even want to tell Luke or worse, mention it to Jess."

"I didn't think of that," Rory sakd., now thankful she didn't tell her mom.

"Oh, Gilmore," Paris let out a dry laugh. "I always was smarter than you, you know."

"Was not!" Rory objected.

They laughed together and fell into an easy conversation. Paris started telling Rory how he kids were and what Doyle had been up to. Rory was glad. She had missed her friend too much.

...

Jess woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. Scratch that, pounding hangover. He remembered going to the bar and drinking, the girls who hit on him but he told them he had a girlfriend. He didn't even feel bad about the lie this time.

He got out of bed and groaned. His muscles ached and his legs barely felt stand-on-able. Ignoring the mild pain, he walked to the kitchen and made some coffee. Jess decided to take a shower while the coffee made and grabbed some clothes.

The shower made his head felt a little better. The aching muscles calmed under the warm water and he closed his eyes. That's twice he went out drinking in the past week - once with Rory and second because of her. He wondered when he transfered back to the old Jess. Old Jess pined over Rory and thought about her more often than he cared to admit.

He didn't like being like that again. Not after everything.

When his shower was finished, Jesse quickly got dressed and drank his coffee. He pretty much rushed out to work only to be stopped short when he walked through the door.

"Hey, Jess."

"Hey, Jen."

...

Matt closed turned over the last page of Jess' wpuld-be novel with a smile. "Its good."

"Just good?" Jess asked.

"Really great," Matt clarified. "I'll have to ask Chris to read it, find you an editor. But with your permission, I'd like to publish it."

"Are you kidding?" Jess was stunned.

Matt looked at him with a big smile. "Nope. This is really good."

"Wow," he didn't know what else to say.

"Congrats, man," Matt slapped Jess on the arm. "You're about to be a published author."

Later that night, after Matt was long gone and Jess was staying in some Philly motel, he stared at his phone. He had already called Luke to tell him he might have really good news soon but he didn't answer so it was only a message. He went through his small list of contacts and saw her name. Jess sighed, wanting to call her but resisting the urge. She'd just have gotten out of Yale for the summer. She didn't need him.

The next day, Chris met with Jess about the book. He had already started reading some of it and listened to Matt's opinion of it. Chris told him he didn't need any more, he wanted to publish it too. Jess thanked him and told him he hoped Chris didn't regret this. He had laughed and told Jess that he doubted he would.

A/N: Okay so more of a reminiscing chapter, especially for Jess, but I hope you still liked it! I really loved writing it especially including after 4x21 even if not being part of that nine years like I wanted to do.

And more of Rory flashbacks are next! Took a break from hers in this chapter but they'll be back. Also I'm gonna move the story along some more - I want to at least get further in Lorelai's pregnancy. It's not gonna move too fast though so I hope you don't mind :)