A/N: You all are the absolute BEST! Thank you so so much to the last chapter and the response. So sorry to leave that as the pre-Christmas chapter so in thanks for the positive words, I'm giving another! And you're right, angst is needed sometimes. And what's literati without angst? :P
Forty-five minutes after leaving the Gilmore-Danes house, Jess still sat on the bridge. He twirled the cigarette between his fingers, staring at it. He knew he wouldn't smoke it but sometimes...it just felt nice to know he could. It'd been thirteen years since he had quit and he wasn't ready to give that up yet.
He remembered that night he stared a cigarette years and years ago, right before he had started to quit. Jess remembered the way the air smelt and he remembered the look on Rory's face as she walked towards him and the gas pump. He knew eight after they kissed, their first kiss as a couple, and she said she was glad he didn't smoke it that he would give it up.
And he had. For her. Because of her.
There was times like this however, where he wished he hadn't stopped. This was definitely one of those times. Jess wasn't sure why he still carried a full pack in his pocket. Maybe he just liked the option, that if he really needed one, it was right there and he could lit it up, inhale and exhale.
It all led back to Rory, though. Jess began to wonder when it hadn't led back to her. Definitely not when he left for California. Definitely not when he left Stars Hollow or visited her at Yale. When then? New York? No. Philadelphia? Not even then. He sighed, knowing what he tried to deny all along.
It had always been her.
Yet here he was, coning undone at the hands of Rory Gilmore once again. He sure as hell hadn't been perfect. He made the worst mistakes of them both but he thought they moved on from it all. He thought that they had changed and grew up and they couldn't make the same mistakes twice.
Jess realized he worried about the wrong mistakes. He had been so busy trying not to relive his mistakes, that he didn't think of hers. He remembered a flyer telling him that Rory had been hanging out with Dean and the winter carnival where she was going with Dean and that annoying little sister of his.
Worst of all, he remembered Philadelphia. Jess remembered thinking 'this is it' when he saw her in the doorway of Truncheon and smiling like he just found water in the desert. Rory was his water and it had turned out she had just been a mirage, something he had hoped for only to be let down.
He shoved the cigarette back into his pocket, into the carton, and stood up. The night was brisk, there was a small breeze and he walked with quickened pace back to the diner apartment.
Jess slid the key from above the door, opening the diner and locking it behind him. Quietly, he walked up the stairs and behind the curtain to the apartment. The door opened there too and he was surprised to see Rory sitting on the couch.
She looked nervous and her hands were twisted together. The sound of the door opening and closing caused her to look at the doorway and she wished she could read Jess' mind. "Hey."
"Hey," he walked further in but didn't sit next to her.
Rory kept note of that and nodded to herself. Of course she didn't deserve him treating her the way he had just an hour ago. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I really did mean to tell you."
He shook his head. "You say that but it almost seems like you wanted to keep it a secret."
"I didn't," she told him. "Its just - how do you tell someone their ex is now your co-worker?"
Jess shrugged, trying to downplay his feelings. "I don't know. I'd suggest actually telling them, though."
"She said you're still friends," Rory went on. "How come she didn't tell you?"
"Its not really her job to tell me," he answered. "You're my girlfriend. We talk every day. Fuck, Rory, we live together. I see Jen every once in a while and maybe we talk. We don't exactly call each other every week and ask how work was."
"You're mad," she stated. She didn't really need him to say anything to confirm it. His eyes said it all.
Jess nodded. "I don't want to be."
"Then can we talk?" She asked. "Please?"
"We have to get home," he replied and walked over to the bed and grabbed his bag.
Rory stood from the couch and followed him into the bedroom. He stood facing the bed, not doing anything but standing still. She walked behind him and wrapped her arms around him from behind. Her head leaned on his back and Jess put his hands over hers.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered after a minute. "I really didn't mean to keep it a secret."
He closed his eyes and looked down at his hand on hers. "But you did."
With that, he unwrapped her arms from him and threw stuff into his bag. Rory watched him and just stood there, frozen. "I need you to believe I'm sorry."
He didn't turn to look at her. His actions stilled though as he replied. "I do believe you are."
"Then why can't we talk?" She asked quietly. "I just... I want us to -"
Rory shuts her voice, unsure of what exactly she wants to say. Jess waits and when she doesn't continue, he asks, "Want us to what?"
"To be like we were," she finally says, the words coming to her. "The way we were just an hour ago, even."
"An hour ago you were having a secret friendship with my ex-girlfriend," he held in a scoff. "I'm not exactly eager to go back to being in the dark."
"Jess -" she shook her head.
"We should leave soon," he said. "Your stuff ready?"
"Yeah," she whispered.
Jess finally looked at her again and he noticed her eyes were shining, wet with tears that threatened to spill. He felt horrible seeing her looking like that. He felt even worse knowing it was because of him but he couldn't just brush aside how he felt either.
Rory sniffed to hold it in and pointed to where her stuff was. Jess grabbed his own stuff then hers. "I'm going to bring these to the car. Come when you're ready."
"Okay," she nodded and he was out the door.
It shut behind him softly, so different from past arguments. But this wasn't an arguement. Or at least she hoped. She sniffed again but this time let the few tears fall silently.
After she felt cried out at letting the tears slide down her cheeks, she wiped them quickly. Rory looked in the mirror to make sure it wasn't too obvious she had just been crying. Once okay with her look, she walked out the door and down to the diner, to Jess' car.
...
"This was a nice thing you did," Luke commented as he put silverware into the dish washer.
Jess shrugged. "It was nothing."
"It wasn't nothing " his uncle noted. "It means a lot to Rory, to come here, to spend her birthday with her mom."
"I could tell she wanted to," he said. "So I made it happen. No big deal."
"Jess," Luke said seriously.
Jess stopped cleaning off the table and turned to him. "What?"
"You two are good for each other," he admitted. Jess almost falls down, thinking he just imagined the words he just heard. "I was always rooting for you two, thinking you could be but now... Now I really think you are."
"It's all her," Jess waved off the compliment. "She's the good one. I'm just along for the ride."
"Its both of you," the older man explained. "You both have different childhoods and both of you lost your way and you found your ways back from it."
"I don't know how I did," he scoffed. "I was such a fuck-up."
"It doesn't matter," Luke shook his head. "It matters that you did it at all."
"Then you should be thanking her," he nodded towards the couch where Rory and Lorelai sat. "Disappointing her...and you, for that matter, really clears a guy on how wrong he is."
"You didn't disappoint me, Jess," Luke tells him.
Jess laughed. "Please. You kicked me out."
"I didn't actually expect you to leave the next morning," he sighed. "I thought you'd be pissed off but cool down and we'd calmly talk about getting you to make up the credits."
"Huh," he said. "I didn't know that."
"You didn't give me a chance," Luke replied.
"I am sorry for that," Jess told him. "Rory's not the only person I didn't say goodbye to back then."
The older man waved it off. "It's over now."
"Hey Luke?" He asked his uncle. "Did you ever -"
He is cut off by a phone ringing. Jess noticed it was Rory's phone but didn't look at the caller id. He called out to her to let her know. "Your phone's ringing."
Rory answered him right away. "Tell them I'm busy."
Jess shrugged and looked over to Luke who shrugged also. He picked it up without seeing the number. "Hello. Rory Gilmore's phone."
"Jess?" A familiar voice on the other end asked. "Is that you?"
He froze as he heard the voice. He knew that voice well. He heard it angry, he heard it sad, he heard it thoughtful and he heard it happy. He didn't understand. "How did you get this number?"
"Me and Rory work together," Jen explained. "She has today off so I wanted to wish her a happy birthday."
Jess nodded numbly. What? Worked together? She even knows it's Rory's birthday? This wasn't just working together. They had to have talked. They had to be...to be friends. "Huh."
Jen's voice began to explain on the other end but he heard none of it as Rory entered the room. Her expression was afraid. She knew she was caught. He wondered how long she kept this from him as he stood there with her phone to his ear.
He didn't care for the explanations Jen was saying. He knew exactly who he needed them from and she stood there as stunned as him. Jess hung up, not caring he wasn't supposed to hate his ex. Right now, he did hate her. He hated her for being why he was looking at Rory the way he was.
She waited silently for him to speak first. There was no apologies, no regret in her eyes. That just fueled to his anger. The only reason Rory cared was because Jess now knew she was hiding something, he thought.
He put her phone down kindly to keep a pretense. "Jen says happy birthday."
...
Neither of them speak the whole ride home. Jess fiddled with the radio if he really didn't like a song but Rory kept her hands to herself. She curled them into her sleeves in her lap. Occasionally, she looked over at Jess to see his expression. He had kept a poker face the entire time.
Jess pulled up to her building and parked. It was late and there was barely anyone out. He was out of the car first and grabbing their bags from the trunk. Rory sat in the front seat and watched him in the mirror before finally unbuckling her seatbelt and climbing out.
They walked quietly up the stairs and then quietly into the apartment. The bags were put down and she instantly thought of how it had been here twenty four hours ago. She thought of how happy she had been and how much she had looked forward to her birthday. Rory wished somehow she could only think of before that phone call.
Jess walked into the bedroom and came out with a pillow and blanket. Rory watched him sadly. "What are you doing?"
"I think I'll sleep out here tonight," he replied.
Rory walked toward him and he turned to look at her, the stuff in his hands landing on the couch. "Yell at me."
"What?" He asked.
"Yell at me," she repeated. "Get whatever it is out. Tell me how I made you feel."
Jess sighed. "You want to know how you made me feel?"
She nodded. "Tell me."
"I'd rather not," he shook his head and went back to fixing the blanket.
Rory grabbed his arm and turned him to face her. "The only way we'll get through this without it building is if we do it now."
"We never did before," he said darkly.
She nodded in agreement. "Come on, Jess. Tell me."
"You really wanna know?" She nodded again. "Okay, fine. Remember how I made you feel like high school? That's what you did to me tonight."
Rory didn't expect that answer. "What do you mean?"
"You remember Patty's show?" He laughed without humor. "You remember the flyer? You kept hanging out with Dean from me."
"We weren't hanging out -" she said weakly and even the words now sounded wrong.
"You kept seeing your ex a secret," he explained. "Its the same thing. Only now its my ex you're keeping a secret."
"That was one time," she defended.
"The carnival?" He questioned. "You and Dean had coffee and set up a friendship and then you were meeting at the carnival together with his sister."
She was shocked he was bringing this stuff up. She shook her head, half in denial and half in surprise this was what he was telling her. "That was coincidence."
"Do you know what Dean said to me that night?" He asked and she was silent, one shake of her head. "He told me how you two were friends. Like me and you had been friends and I quote this - look how that turned out for you."
"What?" She asked. "Why didn't you -"
"Tell you?" He smirked. "Because you and everyone else thought Dean was such a good guy. And there he was, telling me how he was your friend so he can get you back."
"You should have told me," she accused. "I thought everything was fine!"
"Really?" He asked. "What time? When you thought we got into the fight before dinner with your grandma or when you said he wouldn't sucker punch me? Because I remember he did exactly that at the party."
"Oh, so you want to talk about the party," she said sarcastically.
"I want to tell you how I feel," he countered. "That's what you wanted right?"
Rory just agreed. "Right."
"Hey, maybe you should know about my other ex's," he said. "I met Shane a month after you left."
"Shane?" She whispered. Why was he bringing that up? "What does Shane have to do with now?"
He ignored her question. "We were sleeping together when it was barely a week since we met. She was there, you weren't. It worked out."
Rory felt the sting. "So you just start sleeping with some random girl you barely know because I was in Washington?"
"I slept with a girl who didn't come with baggage," he corrected. "Baggage meaning a boyfriend. One who didn't kiss me and told me to tell no one and ran off."
She nodded, a scowl formed on her face. "Uh-huh. Anything else?"
"We had sex in my car," he said casually. "It was why you found the bra that one time."
"I figured that," she said in a bored tone.
"There was a bunch of girls in California," he pointed out. "Most were to try to forget you. But there was even more in New York."
"I really don't want to hear about how many people you slept with," she spat and started to walk away.
Jess followed her. "I'm doing what you asked, Rory."
"I didn't ask for a recap of your sex life," she turned to face him.
They were so close to each other. If this was any other time, one of them would just have to lean in a little and they'd be kissing. But this wasn't any other time. Jess was mad and hurt and Rory was quickly getting to those feelings, too.
Jess noticed the proximity and backed up. He couldn't be that close to her, not right now. He walked back over to the couch and she followed this time. "I slept with Dean. A week after you asked me to run away with you."
He closed his eyes and counted to ten. He knew they had gotten back together, he just hadn't known when. "So after I poured my heart out to you, and you said you wanted to come with me by the way?"
"Yes," she answered. "It was in my bedroom at Mom's house. I went back for CD's for the inn and Dean came over."
He turned back to her. "And you're telling me this because what? You lying to me wasn't enough? You have to stick the knife in further?"
"Its exactly what you were doing," she countered. "Telling me about Shane or how you had sex in California - after you left me! - you think I want to hear about that?"
"No, I don't," he said. "But that's the point, isn't it?"
"So what?" Rory crossed her arms over her chest. "Are we just ripping open the past now?"
"I don't know," he looked down then back up, at her face. Her blue eyes were shining again, as if she might cry again. "Look, maybe..maybe we should just sleep now. I'm angry, you're angry..."
"Okay," she nodded. "Maybe we should."
Rory started to walk away and Jess finished setting up the couch for himself. She turned near the hall that lead to her bedroom and the bathroom. "You're acting like a jerk right now and I hate it. I hate even more that I want you stay with me rather than out here even if you deserve it."
He watched as she walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind her. Jess slumped down onto the couch and rubbed his eyes. He probably wasn't going to sleep at all tonight.
...
Lorelai nudged Rory in the shoulder while Lane walked a little ahead of them. "Have you figured out a way to tell him?"
She looked at her mother. "What's the least likely way for him to be hurt?"
"You didn't do anything to hurt him," her mother replied.
"I'm keeping something from him," she sighed. "Something he's done before and I know how it feels to be on the receiving end."
"Then tell him tonight," she urged. "After the party. That way if he's upset about it, it will be after and you'll be alone to calmly talk about it."
"You think?" She made a face. Rory just wanted to get it over with. She felt sick everytime she mentioned work to Jess.
Lorelai nodded. "I know."
Rory considered this for a moment. If she waits, then they can discuss it and she can explain her reasons for not telling him sooner. It won't make a scene at the party and it wouldn't ruin something he helped put together for her birthday. "Okay."
"Hun?" The older woman asked as the younger one looked back at her. "I've been the one holding secrets before, too. You think you're doing the right thing but then it comes out and what you kept is so little compared that you hid it."
"Talking about dad?" She inquired.
"Him, everything with April..." Lorelai trailed off. "It just made for big blowouts. And by blowouts, I mean our two break-ups."
"I don't want to break up," she worried. "I don't even want a blowout."
"Sometimes you can't stop them," she replied. "But you can prevent them."
"I'll tell Jess tonight," she decided. "After the party."
Lorelai wrapped her arm with her free hand around her daughter. "That's my girl."
"You sure he won't be mad?" She asked, sounding very much like her teenage self.
"I can't tell you if he'll be mad or not, sweets," she answered honestly. "But I can tell you Jess would much rather hear that kind of thing from you."
Rory thinks back to high school, to after Jess had left. She remembered going to see Luke the day after Lorelai told her he was gone and needing to see for herself.
She had known he was gone. The morning on the bus - something was off. She hadn't noticed the duffel bag Luke told her Jess had packed but she knew he wouldn't take a bus that early. Rory wondered all day just where he was going and when she visited Luke, she got her answer.
He told her about how Jess' dad had came, 'made a reappearance after a eighteen year old diaper run' were his words. Luke told Rory about Jess not graduating, about skipping class to work at Wal-Mart. In her mind, she recalled the night of the inn fire when she asked him about it. He had lied to her about that too.
Slowly, her mind clicked why Jess had been so moody at the party. He had been excited about it and seeing Lane's band play. He and Lane had become good friends and she remembered how happy it made her to see Lane see him almost as she did.
Luke mentioned the fight between him and Jess. He told Rory he had kicked Jess out, not realizing Jess would actually leave. He hadn't meant to give up on him. She realized she had given up on him, too. She hadn't come to see him after the party and she hadn't even asked why he was on the bus that morning.
Rory recalled how it had felt to be on the receiving end of that information. She recalled how it felt to not hear it from the person she should have heard it from. She nodded in agreement with her mother. "I'm definitely telling him tonight."
...
In the morning, Rory came out of her bedroom to find a showered and ready Jess in the living room. "Morning."
He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked right through her. "Morning."
"You're up early," she commented.
"Couldn't sleep," he shrugged. "I've been dressed for over an hour."
Rory looked down at her loose T-shirt and shorts. She felt underdressed next to his black T-shirt and jeans. She didn't like that she felt that way, not in front of him. "Last night?"
"Last night," he nodded. "The past twelve years...you pick."
Now she nodded. "I know what you mean."
"I also couldn't get the image of you having sex with Dean in your bedroom out of my mind," he said stiffly.
Rory felt her throat go dry and she regretted saying anything about that the previous night. "I shouldn't have told you about that."
"Can I ask a question?" Another nod. "Did you - did you do it because of me? Do you blame me for it?"
Rory looked down at her feet and wrapped herself into her arms. She wished he hadn't asked that. "No."
"To which part?" He continued.
"I don't blame you," she whispered.
He understood immediately. "So you did do it because of me."
"That's not entirely true," she shook her head.
He waited. "Then what is?"
She's silent and the quiet is louder than any words. Jess just walked to the kitchen and grabbed a beer out. She followed slowly behind. "Its 7 am."
"I can't have this conversation sober," he admitted. "I can't calmly talk about how me coming to your dorm and telling you we're meant to be together led to you sleeping with Dean. Dean. Of all people."
"Its not like he was a stranger," she defended.
"It'd probably feel better if it was," he replied.
"It was my virginity," she scoffed, hating that she was getting annoyed.
His eyes froze. Jess had assumed she hadn't with anyone her freshmen year but actually hearing her say the word...he wasn't sure how he felt.
Rory noticed the change in his demeanor and backtracked. "I'm sorry."
"Why?" He asked. "I started it, didn't I?"
She eyed the beer in his hand. He had yet to either open or drink it. "But I don't want to do this. I don't want to rehash the past because I stupidly waited too long to tell you something."
"I don't even think its about that anymore," he told her. Rory gave him a look of wonderment. "Our history, this was probably bound to happen sometime."
"Maybe," she agreed. "Doesn't mean I want to do it."
"Me, either," he smiled softly.
Jess put the beer back in the fridge and walked past Rory and out of the kitchen. She trailed behind him. "So what now?"
"I've been thinking," he started. "I've been awake a while."
"Yeah?" She asked. "What?"
"Maybe I'll go somewhere," he explained. "Give us some space."
Now she was stunned. "What? No."
"It won't be forever," he told her.
"Leaving in the middle of a fight isn't a solution!" She yelled. "That just makes things worse!"
"And staying here while we walk on eggshells and never talk to each other about anything?" He was yelling too now. "That's better? Us learning to resent each other?"
"We won't," she shook her head and stared him down when she was done.
"You'd bet on that?" Jess said. "You'd risk whatever chance we have on we might not grow to hate each other?"
"Yes!" She exclaimed. "Because we won't! If I don't hate you now for all that you've done in the past and you don't hate me for all I've done then we won't."
He shook his head now. "You can't promise that. And I don't want to hate you. I can't risk that I could."
"Then don't hate me," she pleaded and walked toward him. "Its so easy."
"Rory..." He whispered.
"Don't 'Rory' me!" She yelled and fisted his shirt in her hands. "You're being a coward."
"I'm trying to save us," he told her. "Even if we don't make it as a couple, then I at least want you as a friend. I can't not have you in my life again."
"Neither can I," she replied. "But leaving - its not the answer, Jess."
"You said it, Rory," he explained. "I was like high school. Maybe I still am. And leaving is what I do best, right?"
"Not anymore," she told him. He backed away from her and walked to the bedroom to grab something to pack with. Rory ran after him and grabbed the duffel from him. "You're not leaving."
"Yes, I am," he told her.
"And what?" She asked. "You're going back to Philadelphia?"
"Was actually thinking I'd visit Lily," he shrugged. She dropped the bag and he picked it up, instantly going to pack.
"California," she stated numbly. "Again."
"Don't say it like that," he turned to her then back to the bag.
"How else am I supposed to say it?" She questioned him. "That's exactly where you ran off to when we first broke up."
Now Jess spun on his heels. "We're not breaking up."
"Why not?" She countered. "You're so determined to believe that if you don't leave right this second, we'll fail. If you're gonna have that perspective and that much faith in this relationship, maybe we should."
He stared at her blankly. "You don't mean that."
Rory kept a neutral face. "Of course I do."
"Fine," he turned back to the bag and stuffed even more inside.
"Fine," she huffed and grabbed the stuff she needed for her morning shower routine. She was out the door in seconds and Jess was standing there shoving his clothes into the duffel. He was glad she hadn't seen his face as she left the room.
Rory went into the shower, the water hot and calm. She leaned her hands on the walls to steady herself. Honestly, she wasn't sure she could stand straight right now. She counted her breaths to calm down, telling herself when she comes out of here, she'll tell Jess she didn't mean it.
She felt paralyzed. Her shower rushed by as fast as she could and without really getting ready, she ran out of the bathroom in her towel and into the bedroom. It was empty. Rory went to the dresser and saw his clothes gone from there. She checked the closest and any trace of Jess was gone from there, too.
Hesitantly, she looked at the bookshelves. All of his books were still there and that gave her hope. She searched the rest of the apartment for Jess but she was alone. Finally, she noticed a piece of paper on the fridge they hadn't been there before.
Rory walked towards it slowly. Her wet hair dripped onto the floor and she pulled her towel tighter. She was afraid of what the note said.
In Jess' unmistakable handwriting, it read:
Rory -
I don't know if you're serious about wanting to break up. I know I don't want to. But if that's what you want, I'll have to accept it. I called Jimmy. He says I'm more than welcome to visit so I'm gonna head out there. I'll see you soon.
- Jess
She read and reread it five more times. Why had she said that? She didn't want to break up. It was the last thing she wanted but she had said it and he was gone. How long had she been in the shower? How far wohld he have gotten by now?
Rory dressed in a daze. She didn't care what she wore or how it looked. Her mind was elsewhere. She remembered twenty-four hours ago when Jess and her were happy. Why had it turned like this so soon?
Soon, she headed out the door to go to work. One last sigh and she locked the door behind her. Rory walked down the hallway and down the stairs and prepared for the day.
A/N: I really really hope you still don't hate me! It kills me to even write these scenes and it almost kind of needs to happen. They never discussed the past and being happy can only last so wrong without problems, right? But I promise, it *will* be worth it. Trust me.