"Can I ask something now?"
"Of course," she nodded.
Jess took a deep breath and finally asked. "Why did you come to Philadelphia?"
...
"Philadelphia," she whispered. "I think I might be more ashamed of this than everything with Dean, to be honest."
Jess watched her take a deep breath and exhaled. "Just tell me. It can't be worse than I imagined."
"I wanted to see you," she started. "For many reasons. I wanted to see where you work and what your life was like outside of Stars Hollow."
"You told me this," he teased. He tried to hide just how much he wasn't ready for the rest of the explanation.
"I know," she said. "I didn't go there to use you. Not entirely."
"Then what?" He asked.
"Did I like that Logan would be jealous if he knew I went to see you? Yes," Rory said. "Did I look at you and feel the way I had everytime you had looked back at me? Yes. And I did want something to happen."
"When did you decide that?" He found himself asking. "When you got the invitation and was mad at him?"
"No," she shook her head. "When I opened the invitation, it was just wanting to see you. But when we were there together, talking and having a good time. I thought to myself how it'd be okay if something...happened. How I wanted it to happen."
He stared at her. "And?"
"I didn't want to initiate it," Rory replied. "I didn't know how you felt. But my mind was going back and forth between wanting to kiss you, wanting to...do more than kiss you. Then it slid in how I could give Logan a taste of his own medicine at the same time."
She looked at his face finally and Jess had a poker face on. It didn't give any emotions or thoughts out and she almost wished it had. He's quiet a little longer then he finally speaks again. "Why did you stop it when I kissed you then?"
"Because I felt something when you kissed me," she admitted. "The same something I always felt when you kissed me. And I couldn't do it. Not even just to Logan. I couldn't do it to you."
"Huh," he nodded. "So you wanted me to help you cheat on your cheating boyfriend but stopped it because you had feelings for me?"
Rory just whispered in return. "Yes."
"I guess at least you didn't see I invited you there and think 'hey, that'd be a good way to get him back,'" he said.
Rory almost gasped at his words but when she saw the look on his face, he was teasing her. "You're not mad?"
He shook his head slowly. "I told you, it couldn't be worse than I thought. And what I thought was you saw an in to revenge and I was just collateral damage."
"You never were," she confirmed. "The main reason anything even crossed my mind is because..."
She shut herself up, almost afraid to say her next words. Jess wanted to know what she had been about to say however. "Because what?"
Rory sighed. "Because I've always been attracted to you."
Its his turn to be silent now. Jess sits there in his thoughts, trying to figure out the right thing to say. He didn't really expect her to say attraction was why she wanted to sleep with him after the open house. He had always expected he was just her way to get back at Logan.
"Say something," she urged. "Please."
"I'm working on it," he told her and she would have smiled if she wasn't so nervous. "Why are you more ashamed of that than...than Dean?"
"Because Dean I knew was a mistake," Rory let out. "I tried to defend it to my mom but then I called his phone after and Lindsey answered..."
Jess touched her hand. Since standing, they had sat back down and she was grateful. She didn't think she could feel her legs if she tried. "Its okay. You don't have to answer."
"I want to tell you," she explained. "I knew when I heard her what I had done. But with you...you had finally got your life together and there I was, messing it up."
"You didn't mess it up," he told her. "Sure, I got drunk after but you didn't mess it up."
She let out a small laugh. "I cried in my car after."
"So we both had a rough night," he said.
Rory looked down at his hand still on hers and smiled up at him. "You could say that."
Jess took his hand off hers, noticing how it was probably there for too long. "Thank you for telling me."
"Thank you for telling me, too," she told him.
He shrugged. "You should have known before. I guess I was just too stupid to say it."
"You're not stupid," she defended.
Another shrug. "Maybe."
"I didn't mean for you to think you were collateral damage," she said, hoping he'd stop calling himself stupid.
"I didn't mean to think it, either," a small smirk played on his lips.
She gave a small smile at him and decided she had a question to ask. "Are we okay?"
Jess took a deep breath. "I don't know. The talking helped but..."
"But what?" She asked.
"But maybe a little time to think is needed," he finished. "Think over what we said, how we feel."
"I know how I feel," Rory half-mumbled. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he smiled and touched her cheek.
She leaned into his touch and was sad when it was gone. "I don't really want to break up."
"I know," he replied. "Me, either."
"So then what are we doing?" She wondered. "If we're thinking -"
Jess cut her off. "We're taking space. We're not broken up but not fully together."
Rory nodded numbly. "Are you staying here?"
"For a little bit," he shrugged. "I really hadn't seen Lily in a while. It wasn't just about getting out of New York."
"When will you be back?" She asked.
"I don't know," Jess answered honestly. "I think I'll head back to Philadelphia, though when I leave here."
Another nod from Rory now. "Not New York? At all?"
"Not not at all," he told her. "Just...not right away."
"I really am sorry for everything," she told him.
Jess noticed her eyes shined, wet in the corners. "I know. Me, too."
She hadn't realized she was crying until Jess' thumb came up and swept across the skin under her eyes. "Thanks."
He nodded at her. "I'm an ass. I made you cry again."
Rory shook her head in answer. "You're right. We can't just go back to how it was immediately. I'm just gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you, too," he kept his hand on her face this time and she leaned into it again. "Its just for us to think, anyway."
"I don't need to think, though," she sniffed. "I know I want this. It took me too long to realize it but I know now."
Jess nodded at her, a sad look on his face. "I think knowing that I wanted you all along isn't helping much."
"How come?" She asked and touched his hand that was still on her face. Her fingers went on top of his as she held it to her.
"Because I always knew and you didn't," he cleared his throat. "It stings a little."
"I am sorry," she said, not just about recently or what they talked about. She meant everything, including comparing him to Dean when they were first together.
He understood what she meant. "Me, too."
He slid his hand out from under hers and stood up again. Rory followed after and stood, too. Both of them stood awkwardly, neither unsure what to say.
Jess was the one who broke the silence. "Tonight, Lily's boyfriend is coming for dinner. Its gonna be the first time I meet the guy, actually."
She smiled softly. "That sounds nice."
"I hope so," he smiled back. "I was wondering, if maybe, you would want to come. You can officially meet everyone if you want. I understand if you don't."
"I'd actually really like that," she said. "But I shouldn't."
"Okay," he nodded. He wished she would anyway, even if he just told her they were technically in a relationship anymore.
"I actually think I'm gonna head home," she continued. "I came here for us to talk. We talked. I should go."
"Rory, you don't have to," he said.
"Its okay," she smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.
Jess walked toward the door after another nod and Rory followed behind him. He turned as his hand gripped the doorknob. "I'll see you soon?"
"Yeah," she agreed. "Soon."
Before she could really notice what he was doing, Jess leaned in. His lips brushed hers lightly and she closed her eyes. He moved away too soon and when she opened her eyes, the door was opened and he was already out in the hallway.
Rory walked into the hallway of the hotel and watched his retreating back until Jess turned a corner and disappeared. She shut her door and leaned her head against the wall for a few minutes before turning to her suitcase and throwing anything she unpacked back in.
...
When Jess got back to Jimmy and Sasha's house, he saw no sign of either of them but Lily was waiting on the couch. He smirked at her. "How long have you been here?"
"A few minutes," she shrugged. "Half hour."
"Why?" He out his coat over the back of a chair and sat down.
"Because I called Mom and she said you weren't home," she answered. "Did you go see Rory?"
"I did," he nodded.
"And?" She urged. "You were gone a while. Does that mean...?"
He couldn't help but notice there was a suggestive look on her face. "I didn't go right there."
"Oh," her face fell. "And?"
"And we talked," he sighed.
"And?" She repeated.
"And we're not back together," he replied and stood up. He hoped to avoid her questioning with that look in her eye but she followed him into the kitchen.
She leaned against the wall. "Why not?"
"We're not broken up, either," he explained.
"What?" She shook her head, confused. "How is that possible? Was this stupid idea yours?"
"Its not stupid," he argued and grabbed a soda put of the fridge. As badly as he wanted a beer, it wouldn't help him much if he was drinking during this conversation.
"It sounds stupid," she crossed her arms.
"Its the best way," Jess turned to her. "Because we need to go over what we talked about and everything that's happened before we dive back in."
"So why not stay broken up?" She questioned. "Jesus, Jess, she came here to see you! Do you really think she wanted confirmation you're not her boyfriend anymore?"
"Technically, I am her boyfriend if we're not broken up," he took a sip.
Lily just shook her head again. "One of these days, you're gonna pull this shit and that girl won't be waiting anymore. You're gonna lose her for good."
His face turned serious just then. "I did lose her before. Multiple times. The fact that she even wants me now is a surprise."
"So why don't you smarten up?" She asked. "Tell her you love her and that you want to be with her."
"Because sometimes its not that simple," he explained.
"Its always that simple," she huffed. "You just have to be willing to make it work."
Lily turned and walked right out of the kitchen. Jess stood there alone for a few seconds before putting his drink down and following her out. "What if I messed up too much already?"
She stopped but didn't turn. "Maybe then you have to think about how she's still here and she still wants to be with you."
With that, Lily opened the front door and walked out. Jess sighed, putting his hand through his hair. He tried to follow Lily out the door but when he got out there, she was already in her car. She looked over at him and waved, to let him know she wasn't mad at him and he waved back.
He watched her go and immediately after, grabbed his own keys. Jess drove back to the hotel he'd just been at with Rory and walked right up to her room. The door was open and he stepped right in. He didn't find Rory, though, he found room service.
The woman looked over at him as his footsteps came closer. She didn't seem afraid of this stranger walking inside but instead, she looked sad. He figured his feelings were written all over his face.
"Is there anything I can help you with?" The woman asked Jess.
He stepped an inch closer. "I'm looking for someone. She was staying in this room."
She nodded. "A pretty brunette?"
"Yes," he answered, too afraid to be relieved. "I was just here not even an hour ago. Can you tell me where she is?"
"She checked out," she confirmed. "Maybe ten minutes ago. They sent me up here to tidy up because there's a tourist bus coming in."
"Oh," his face fell and he hoped it wasn't that obvious. "You can check the airport. I think she told them she was going right there."
"Thank you," he jogged out of the room and down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the elevator. He drove as fast as he could to the airport but when he got there, the only flight leading to New York was even gone.
He sighed, defeated. Rory was already gone. How fast had she ran out of there because of him? Lily was right. It was a stupid idea. Slowly, he walked back to his car and drove back to his father's house.
...
The plane didn't take as long as Rory had expected for her to get home. She got off the plane and into the gate and almost ran when she saw her mother standing there in front of her. Rory's feet pulled her towards Lorelai and when she finally reached her, she felt like she could cry.
Lorelai held her daughter to her and smoothed out her hair. "Its okay."
Rory shook her head and pulled away enough to speak. "I got out of there as fast as I could."
They began to walk, ready to pick up the rest of her luggage. "What happened? You were vague on the phone."
"I'll tell you about it when we get home," she tried to smile but it just felt false. Instead, she changed the subject. "Is Luke here?"
Lorelai nodded and wrapped her arms around her daughter once her bag was picked up. "He's waiting in the car."
"Didn't wanna come greet me?" She joked.
"He figured we might want to be alone when you come off," she told her.
Rory really did smile this time. Luke definitely knew them too well. She was very grateful that he not only was in her life but her step-father.
They walked out to where Lorelai told her the car was parked. Luke gave her a small smile and Rory smiled in return, wondering what he was thinking about this whole thing. She knew he was upset Jess left and now that she had come back to Stars Hollow so quickly... there was no telling what his thoughts were.
Rory climbed into the Jeep backseat and almost snickered. It was weird seeing Luke drive it but it made sense considering her mother was getting bigger in her pregnancy. They drove at an even speed and when they reached the familiar house, she let out a breath she'd been holding.
Lorelai walked to the door first and Luke grabbed her bags. Rory followed behind her mom and they all came inside. He went into the kitchen and started making coffee, knowing exactly what Rory would need.
Rory turned to her mom, a question on her tongue since she'd seen her at the airport. "Why didn't Evan come?"
"He's staying at Sookie's tonight," Lorelai explained. "She was with me when you called and offered to watch him."
Rory nodded silently. Did she really sound that terrible on the phone? Soon, an incredible aroma came into the room and toldd the two women coffee was done.
"Perfect man," Rory smiled when the coffee was done and he handed her a cup.
Lorelai smiled back. "He'd be even more perfect if he gave me a cup of regular coffee."
Luke kissed her hair and handed her a decaf coffee. She made a face as she drank it but still gulped it greedily.
"I think I'll go back the diner now," he told them. "Give you two time to talk."
"You closed the diner for me?" Rory asked and he nodded. "No! You didn't have to do that."
"It wasn't closed," he waved it off as if it was nothing. "Lane was taking care of it."
Rory smiled at him again. "Thank you, Luke."
He almost blushed at her gratitude. "No problem. See you later."
"Wait!" Lorelai exclaimed. He knew exactly what she meant and came over and kissed her quick. "Thank you!"
Luke was soon gone and Lorelai turned to her daughter. "Now you gonna tell me what happened? You didn't even stay a full day."
Rory sighed and gripped her cup to her palms. "We talked."
"I figured that," she nodded. "About what happened?"
"About all of it," Rory felt her hands burning but didn't bother to move the cup. "High school, Kyle's party, Dean, Logan, Philadelphia."
"And it didn't go well?" She concluded.
"No, actually," she replied. "It went better than expected. We talked about it calmly and like adults."
Lorelai was confused. "But then what happened? You call me, tell me you're getting the next flight out and coming here. You sounded upset."
"Because we're broken up but not," she sighed. "I don't know why I didn't object to that."
"So what are you then?" Lorelai asked. "Officially?"
"I have no idea," Rory groaned. "We're together but not apart. And Jess is going back to Philly when he leaves California."
Her mother followed along closely. "So he's not going back to New York?"
"He says not right away," she sighed. "But that its not out of the equation."
"It sounds like you're not together," her mother pointed out sadly.
"I know," Rory sighed again. "I really want to believe him that it's not a break-up but its really hard not to think it is."
"Call him," she told her.
Rory laughed. "What, now? What would I say? 'Hey, I ran back to Stars Hollow as soon as you left and how are you, by the way?'"
"Not right now," Lorelai corrected. "Just whenever. Make sure you keep contact so it doesn't turn into not speaking again."
"I don't know," she said. The cup burned her hand more now and she gasped in surprise, now feeling just how hot the cup was. "Ow."
The cup fell out of her hands and to the carpeted floor. Whatever she had yet to drink spilt brown on the white. "Oh!"
"Shit," Rory muttered. "I'll clean it."
She jumped off the couch and Lorelai watched as Rory grabbed apeat and paper towels to clean the mess. Thankfully the cup didn't break due to the carpet and she was glad to not have glass to clean as well.
When she was done cleaning, she brought her mother another cup of decaf and herself another of regular. They talked until it got late enough for Luke to return home. Lane was closing the diner but tomorrow, she was going to go with Hep Alien for a performance in Boston. Mrs. Kim was more than happy to watch her grandchildren.
Luke kissed Lorelai on the head before heading upstairs and the girls ordered pizza. The girl talk silenced as a male entered the house but Lorelai watched her daughter in wondermeant. The hurt she'd been feeling was stuffed away as she ate.
Luke carefully watched Rory, too. The show of trying to look all right was mostly for him. She didn't want him to see how upset she felt or assume Jess did something new wrong.
Finally, when it became time to go to sleep, Lorelai tucked her daughter in, as of she was three instead of thirty one. Rory didn't mind and she let her. Luke followed Lorelai back up to their room. "How was Evan?"
"He's fine," Luke answered. "He really gets along with Sookie's kids despite them being older."
"Good," she smiled and kisses her husband. "He likes it over there, too."
"Is Rory okay?" Luke asked. "Jess didn't do anything...stupid? Or hurt her?"
"No," she shook her head. "They're better now than when he left but they're just taking some time."
"Time," he repeated. He knew the word well and so did his wife. Neither commented on what they were thinking, afraid to say it out loud.
Downstairs, Rory wiped stray tears as she tried to fall asleep. She finally managed to fall asleep an hour later, thoughts of Jess and how it was before floating in her mind.
A/N: Still with me? I hope so! And I've promised its worth and trust me, it still is. Just a little patience, right? :)