"Auggie, I'm gonna order the pizza. Why don't you go ahead and pick out a couple movies for us to watch?"
Riley pulls open their drawer of take-out menus in the kitchen while Auggie runs to the living room and starts rifling through to find her favorite pizza place. Her parents have just left for an evening out with Uncle John and his wife and she's babysitting. Riley had been quick to volunteer; it's not like she has anywhere else to be on a Saturday night.
She's doing her best not to think about it, but it's been three weeks since they got back from Texas and so far, nothing has improved. Well, the bulk of the gossip has died down to just the occasional catty comment, but things with Maya are as broken as ever. Maya's barely looking at her and Lucas, let alone talking to them and because Farkle and Zay aren't interested in actually being caught in the middle (nor would Riley want them to be) all they'll say is that she hasn't wanted to talk about it. Riley's starting to doubt if just letting things be is still the best strategy, but she's trying to stay positive. After all, she checks every day and Maya is still wearing her ring.
Besides which, she's not sure where she would even begin if she wanted to try actively fixing things instead of waiting for them to get better. She had been sure that she was doing the right thing in Texas, but that had gone so horribly wrong. If that's what happened when she was confident, what kind of trouble could she cause when she feels so unsure?
Riley pulls out the menu and double checks the amount of cash her parents left to make sure it's enough to cover their usual night in order and a tip for the driver. She's starting to dial when Auggie returns, dropping three DVDs on the table. "We're only gonna have time for two of those before you have to go to bed." She warns.
"I know." Auggie nods. "The Muppets is an alternate."
"Why would you need an alternate?"
"Well," he starts matter-of-factly, sitting down and spreading the DVDs out across the surface, "my first choice is Monsters Inc, because it's a total classic."
"Of course."
"And for my second movie, I wanted to pick The Princess Bride, but I wasn't sure if I should. I didn't want to make you sad."
Riley lowers her phone, frowning. "That's a great movie. Why would it make me sad?"
"Because you always used to watch it with Maya." Auggie says. "And I know she hasn't been around much lately because you had a fight. Mom said I'm not supposed to ask you about it."
Riley fumbles to find her seat. She had no idea that Auggie was noticing that things were going on with them, or that he's worrying about it enough to try and change his behavior for her...The mixture of feeling loved by her little brother and feeling terrible for letting things get this far ends up leaving her unsettled. "Did you want to ask me about it?"
"Kinda." Auggie shrugs. "You've never been so mad at each other that Maya stopped coming over."
No, they haven't. Especially not for weeks at a time. And Riley can't lie and say that she hasn't been feeling the impact. Maya's always been her go-to person for everything—advice, ranting, rambling excitedly...Riley just can't do most of that with the guys, for all that they've offered, and as much as she loves her friends on the cheer squad, she's not close enough with most of them to really open up. She's thought about talking to her mom (this is absolutely not the sort of thing she wants to explain to her dad) but at the end of the day she doesn't know where to start and isn't sure that her mom can do anything anyways, so she hasn't bothered. "Well...she's not very happy with something that I did. And we both said some not-so-nice things. So we're taking a little break while we calm down and when we're ready we'll sit down somewhere and talk things through."
"So I don't need to track her down and talk some sense into her?"
The look on Auggie's face is so serious Riley can't help but giggle. "Why would you think you need to do that?"
"Uncle Josh told me that one of my jobs as your brother is if someone hurts you or makes you upset that I'm supposed to talk to them so they don't do it again."
"That's really sweet, Auggie, but that's not your job." And it's so many kinds of wrong message to give her little brother. Riley makes a mental note to have a talk with her Uncle about what he's been teaching Auggie; she doesn't want him thinking like that and she knows her mom wouldn't be happy.
"But if I don't do that, how can I help?"
Riley reaches across the table and grabs Auggie's hand. "Being nice like this just because you noticed something was wrong and didn't want to make it worse, makes you the best little brother I could ask for."
"I can do that." Auggie nods. "But.." He trails off, biting his lip and briefly looking off to the side. "What about the other stuff?"
She shakes her head. "What other stuff?"
"Josh gave me a whole list of things a brother needs to do."
The weight of relief that lifts off her chest is immense and Riley can't help but sigh. For a moment she had been sure that Auggie had noticed some of things that she's been trying to keep from everyone, like sneaking coffee in the mornings to make up for a lack of sleep. The last thing she would want to do is ask Auggie to lie for her, but she might have had to; if her parents knew about that stuff there's no telling how worried they'd be, and she knows they've been worrying plenty over what her dad's heard at school.
"I'll tell you what," she says, reaching for her phone. She slides off of her seat to stand. "Let me call and get the pizza, and then we'll put Monsters Inc. in. While the previews are running, you can tell me all about Josh's list and I'll tell you if it's something you should worry about. Deal?"
Auggie hops to his feet and gathers up the movies. "Deal."
"Oh and before we do that, can I get a hug from the world's best little brother?"
"Thanks for coming in early to meet with me, Mr. Matthews." Lucas had needed to set a special alarm to get to school on time for the Wednesday morning meeting, but since it was the easiest time for them to meet privately, he was more than willing.
"I'll always make time for the concerns of my students, Lucas. And you were fairly adamant in your texts."
"I just don't know what to do about this whole thing with Maya and Riley. They're still not talking."
"Why don't we take a seat?"
Lucas sits in one of the front desks of the history classroom, the one that Riley usually occupies, sliding his bag off of his shoulder. He's surprised when his teacher takes the adjacent desk instead of his seat by the blackboard and angles to face him more clearly.
"So...what exactly makes you think that you need to do anything about what's going on with Maya and Riley?"
"I just...feel responsible." Lucas sighs. He leans forward in his seat and starts talking, letting go of the filter he's been using to keep everything in and avoid making things worse. "None of this would have happened if I had just been clearer from the beginning about my feelings. Riley and I were taking things slow and I was good with that but we weren't really talking and I just assumed that everything was good and everyone got it, but apparently it wasn't and they didn't.
"Riley only did what she did because I didn't notice that she was starting to worry about things and reassure her, and if she had never done that then Maya wouldn't be upset with her. And even if she had still done it, the only reason Maya's so upset now is because maybe I wasn't as nice as I could have been when I told her I didn't like her like that.
"So now, neither of them are happy. They're not talking, everything's a mess and I have...absolutely no idea how to fix things or even just get them to talk to each other again."
Mr. Matthews waits several beats after he finishes before speaking. "Lucas, fixing things between Riley and Maya is not your responsibility. What happened between them wasn't your fault; nobody expects someone your age to just know what's bothering someone, or how to let someone down gently. Honestly, this is something that's been building for a while."
Wait, what? Lucas trusts Mr. Matthews, but what does he mean, this has been building for a while? Riley and Maya were incredibly close and happy, right up until the rodeo. How was this not involved with what happened? "I don't understand."
"You're incredibly perceptive for someone your age, but there are some things that you just can't notice until you've been through them. Riley and Maya have been dealing with some growing pains in their friendship for a while now, and what happened in Texas was just the straw that broke the camel's back." Mr. Matthews explains.
"So...what are we supposed to do? They're falling apart. Riley is..." Lucas drops off, realizing that it's better to put his filter back in place. He's not sure what Mr. Matthews knows (even if he knows that he'll be worried about Riley regardless) but he knows that Riley will be upset if he says the wrong thing.
"Riley's not doing so great with it." Mr. Matthews nods. "I know. But we can't force them to do anything. They both have to want to talk and fix things. All you can do is keep doing what you've been doing. Support them both. Be there if they want to talk or need someone to lean on. Either they'll decide that the friendship is worth working to save or they'll have to move on."
"And remember, your final exam will be an in class essay. I'm not going to tell you the question but you will be expected to use examples from at least three books we have read to answer it so now is the time to start reviewing what we've covered this year." Harper says from her place, sitting cross-legged atop her desk. "I will see you all tomorrow. Riley, would you stay for a moment, please?"
Riley stops gathering her things. She can guess what this will be about. The same thing Mr. Norton and her math teacher wanted to talk about earlier in the week. 'Ms. Matthews, I know it's tempting with the end of the year so close to forgo your schoolwork in favor of having fun with your friends and celebrating, but with high school coming up you really need to consider putting in the effort to finish strongly.' It's just one more thing to grin and bear her way through to get through the day. She's getting quite used to it.
It's not that she can't appreciate what her teachers are trying to do (she's not exactly happy with her sliding grades either) but her poor performance isn't for lack of trying. Things just haven't been coming together as well for her when there's so much other stuff on her mind and it doesn't help to have everyone pointing it out.
"I'll wait for you out in the hall." Lucas says as he walks past and briefly places a hand on her shoulder.
"Thanks." Riley acknowledges him but doesn't look away from the cover of her notebook, covered in the crossed out doodles from earlier in the year. If she doesn't look up, then she doesn't have to see Maya still gathering up her things; she doesn't have to feel guilty for accepting the touch and reveling in the simple comfort. Lucas leaves after only a moment, and then she's stuck waiting for the rest of the class to filter out before she can speak again, trying to get out ahead of Harper's lecture. "I know I've fallen behind on the reading and haven't been participating as much lately Miss Burgess. I've just been a little distracted lately, but I promise I'm gonna work on turning things around to do better for the end of the year. I'm really sorry."
Harper uncrosses her legs and slides off the front of her desk. "Well, I appreciate that, Riley. But your recent performance isn't what I was hoping to speak to you about."
Riley's heart thuds against her rib cage. She can't think of anything else she's done that a teacher would want to talk to her about and her mind starts racing, wondering how much trouble she's going to be in. She knows Harper likes Maya, so maybe this is an intervention to tell her that she's being unfair to her by staying so close to Lucas. Maybe the school thinks all of this drama and gossip is too distracting and this is the warning that she has to do something to fix it. Or maybe her dad's so disappointed in her over all of this that he couldn't stand to talk to her himself and he asked Harper to do it.
"I've noticed over the past few weeks that you haven't really seemed like yourself." Harper says, turning one of the desks next to Riley's so it's facing her and taking a seat. "You brought up your academic performance, but you've also been much more withdrawn, less confident...I spoke with some of your other teachers, and they have similar concerns."
The simultaneous relief of not being in actual trouble and worry over what on earth she's supposed to say to this leaves Riley reeling. The sweaty palms and dry mouth of her nervousness can't even go anywhere because she knows saying the wrong thing might mean toppling the house of cards she's been living in the past few weeks. For the moment, she doesn't say anything. It's better to wait to hear an actual question so you know exactly what you have to say, instead of just talking and maybe giving something away that you don't have to; if Maya were talking to her, Riley could thank her for that particular lesson.
"I know you have a lot going on right now, with getting ready to transition to high school and the conflict between yourself and Maya...I just wanted to check in and make sure that you know that if you need someone to talk to, there are people here for you. There's myself, Miss Oben...We all want to see you happy, and feeling good."
There's no question. What does she say? How can she be careful about what she says if she doesn't know what Harper is looking for?
Riley has to fight the urge to bite her lip or tap her fingernails on the desk. It's one thing that her teachers have noticed her grades slipping, but that they've noticed the other things… She's been working so hard to stand tall and face every day with a smile like she always has and it's just not fair that it's not working. The whole point of being fine is so that people won't worry about her and they'll focus on taking care of Maya when she can't; they're not supposed to notice or care about her.
But apparently it's not just Lucas and Farkle and Auggie who are seeing through her facade. It's her teachers. Which means it's probably her dad, which means it's only a matter of time before she does have to face some sort of discussion on that end, and Riley knows that she can't deal with that right now. She can't handle the guilt of being the cause of Maya's heartache and hiding all of these things from her parents, or the worry that one wrong word is going to turn someone else away from her, and all of those things are going to come crashing together if she has to have that conversation.
The only thing to do is amp things up and nip this in the bud. Maybe if she can convince Harper that there's nothing to worry about, Harper will pass the message along.
"No." Riley tries to let a smile rise on her face, not too quickly, because that would look fake, but not too slowly either because then Harper will still worry. "I mean, I'm fine. I haven't been so focused lately, but it's the whole end of the year thing." Harper will buy that, won't she? All the other teachers seemed to. "I'm already working on fixing it."
Harper frowns. "Right, but like I said, this isn't about your grades, Riley. This is about you. I'm concerned about how you're feeling."
"And I just told you. I'm feeling fine." Riley shakes her head. "There's nothing to be concerned about. I've been a little tired lately, that's all. And yeah, it's not very fun not having Maya with me, but it's not like she's my only friend or anything. And we're on our way to working things out." A small lie won't hurt here. It's definitely for the greater good. "It won't be long before things are back to normal, and then everything will be fine."
Harper opens her mouth to say something else, but hesitates and changes her mind. Riley watches as her teacher seems to swallow her frown and switch back to a gentle smile. "If you're sure. Just remember if that changes, or if something new comes up...even if you just want to talk, we're here."
"I know." She looks down and starts reorganizing her pile of books to avoid the hanging awkwardness. It's obvious that Harper doesn't totally believe her but doesn't want to call her out either. Riley's not sure what that means for her future, but worse than anything else it just feels weird. She just wants to get out of the room and breathe some air where it doesn't feel like she's somehow letting everyone down just by doing what she can to stay functional.
"Then, I'm all set if you are. Go ahead and head out."
Riley doesn't need to be told twice. She gathers up her things and stands, wishing Harper a good rest of the day before she exits the room. The hallway is mostly empty with kids being in a rush to get to lunch, but as he had promised, Lucas is leaning against the wall outside of the classroom waiting for her. As she walks past, he straightens and starts walking next to her.
"Everything OK?" They start down the hall towards their lockers, where they can stash their things before heading to the cafeteria.
"Yeah." Riley barely even thinks before answering. "She just wanted to check in. I told her everything's fine and she let me go."
"Why would you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Tell her that everything's fine, when it's clearly not."
"Because there's nothing that she can do to change that, even if I did tell her." Nobody else seems to get that. They all keep trying to get her to talk and confess how much she misses Maya and how terrible things are now, and they are terrible, but there's no actual point to it. Nobody can make Maya ready to come back and hear an apology. Nobody can snap their fingers and make everyone happy again. Riley can't just put herself through that.
She's kept things to herself to keep the focus off of her, yes, but she's also been staying quiet because as long as she doesn't talk about it, she can stay strong; the second she opens up and lets herself actually start feeling how bad everything is, she just knows there won't be any closing that door, and if they're going to get through this, she needs to still be strong.
"Talking to people isn't just about fixing things, Riley." Lucas says as they reach his locker. Zay is next door at his, typing something on his phone. "Sometimes it's just about getting things off your chest."
"My chest is just fine."
Zay's head snaps up, eyes wide. "Really now?"
Lucas glares. "That's not what she meant."
Riley clutches her books closer to her chest, and tries to breathe away her embarrassment at making such a stupid comment. Her cheeks stay fiercely warm, and she carefully avoids finding Zay's eyes, focusing on Lucas instead. "I just meant that I know I have people to talk to if I need to, but I don't need to. I'm OK. And I'm stronger than everyone seems to think I am."
"Oh we've seen you when you're mad." Zay comments. "We know you're plenty strong." When Lucas shoots him another pointed look he raises his eyebrows incredulously. "How is that not helping?"
Lucas sighs and turns back to Riley. "I know you're strong, Riley. But accepting help from someone that can tell you're struggling despite that strength doesn't make you weak. And it doesn't mean Maya or anybody else won't get help if they need it."
It's just not fair that he always knows what to say and how to say it. Lucas gets that warm look in his eyes and it's all Riley can do not to just crumble into his arms. She barely remembers to toe her own line and maintain stability. "I promise, if things get worse I'll consider it, but I really am OK. Just a little tired."
"Thank you." He goes to slide his things into his locker. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm bugging you about this stuff, it's just really hard to watch you try and deal with all of this on your own when I know you're upset." He turns back. "I really care about you, Riley." He reaches out to tuck her hair back from her face, but Riley instinctively takes a step back just as his fingertips brush against her cheek (they're in the hall where anyone can see, after all) and instead of the nice gesture she gets to watch Lucas' eyes briefly darken before he sighs once more. "I just wish you'd let me show it every once in a while."
Lucas closes his locker and leaves towards the cafeteria, leaving Riley dumbfounded. She hasn't done anything that she hasn't done fifty times since they got back from Texas. Why is he upset now?
But this is exactly why she hasn't been talking to people; it only takes the smallest thing to bother someone, and most of the time you don't even know what it might be. Now another friend is walking away from her—the only friend she's been able to call exclusively hers and not have to worry about influencing through this whole mess—and she has no idea what she did or if he'll come back. Watching him walk down the hall it's like there's a bucket of ice water being poured over her. She has to dig her nails into her arms just to keep herself from falling.
Then Zay sidles up next to her and slings an arm over her shoulder, snapping her back to reality. "You know, Sugar, you're only making things harder on yourself with this whole, just friends routine with Lucas." He starts walking her further down the hall towards her locker.
"It's not a routine. We are just friends."
"Sure you are."
She doesn't have to even look to know that Zay' is rolling his eyes. "We are."
"Sugar, if all the two of you were is friends, you'd let him act like it."
Riley steps out from under his arm, stops and stares at him. "What are you talking about?"
"Friends comfort each other. They talk, they hold hands, they do all sorts of things that you don't let Lucas do. It's like you're trying to build a giant, anti-feelings wall between you two, and all it's doing is making you both more miserable than you already are. I know he said you two agreed not to act on your feelings because of the Maya thing, but it's not like things are getting better on that front. I just think it would be easier on you guys if you at least helped each other by being honest."
"What? Be honest by getting together?"
Zay shrugs. "Why not?"
How can he even ask that? Doesn't he get what that would do? Riley frowns. "Because if Lucas and I get together, that's completely disregarding Maya's feelings. It's not fair to her and totally selfish and if we act like that then things won't get better and she'll be right to never forgive us."
"Yeah, but things aren't getting better now. And at least if you and Lucas do your thing, you two could help each other instead of drowning on your own."
Riley starts walking. She's not that hungry, but at the rate she's going she's not even going to make it to lunch. "Sometimes to make a friendship work you have to make tough choices. What you do, who you talk to...that's all a part of that. I'm just trying to make my friendship work."
Zay grabs her arm gently, spinning her back around. "That's all well and good but it only works if both people are trying. And from what I've seen Maya hasn't been making any tough choices. You might have to consider that she's not as interested in fixing things as you are."
"Go to lunch Zay." Riley says, yanking her arm back from his grasp. There's no way that Maya doesn't want to fix things...she's just a little slow to get over being upset; she always has been. Riley won't even consider the possibility that Maya doesn't want to get over it. She can't. "I'm not giving up on Maya."
Topanga never thought she'd have to sit down with Riley to talk about her academic performance. Riley is smart and a complete rule-follower so it's not like they've ever had to worry about her skipping out on doing her work. And she and Cory have always agreed that as long as she works hard, it's OK if she gets a bad grade; low scores are only a problem if they're because she's given up, and they never imagined a scenario where Riley would do that.
It seems now that she has though, so here they are. Topanga is chatting with Riley on her own while Cory and Auggie go over his school day out in the living room; Cory doesn't want Riley to feel like it's her teacher attacking her, and given that they pretty much know the origin of her sliding grades (Topanga definitely should have given the girls a talk about how vacations and school trips enhance feelings before they left for Texas) it seems like the discussion might take a turn down a path where Riley will only want her mom present anyways.
Only so far, all that Topanga is getting out of her is apologies, vague excuses, and promises to try harder, which isn't the goal. The plan was to start with a discussion of her grades and hopefully Riley would finally start to open up about the estrangement between her and Maya. All Topanga knows is essentially what Cory's been able to glean from the gossip at school and what he's observed between them. If the John Quincy Adams rumor mill is anything like the John Adams rumor mill, everything there needs to be taken with a grain of salt, but she doesn't like what he's been hearing and she definitely doesn't like what he's been seeing, or what she's seen from her daughter when she's at home. It's obvious that Riley isn't doing well, but Topanga has no idea how to help when she won't talk to her.
Topanga is trying to come up with a relevant personal example in the hopes that if she opens up first it will convince Riley that it's OK to do the same when there's a brief knock on Riley's door. It swings open barely a moment later and Cory's standing there, pale as a sheet and waving her over. Topanga excuses herself from the bay window and steps into the hall with him. "What's wrong?"
"Josh just called." He answers, running a hand over his hair. "My parents were in a car accident."
Her hand flies to her chest. "Oh my...are they OK? How bad is it?"
"He said the doctors can't tell him a lot yet. Just that for the moment they're stable but in critical condition. I need to get down to Philly."
"Of course. Go." Topanga's mind races, figuring out the best solution. She needs to be there for him and the rest of the family (Amy and Alan are just as much her parents at this point) but Auggie would be underfoot and possibly quite upset if he were to come and even though Riley could probably handle the actual hospital visit and will want to come, unless it looks like something genuinely terrible is going to happen, the responsible thing would be for her to stay in the city and continue to go to school. Her grades can't afford to take another hit, and it's so close to the end of the year that missing a lot of days isn't a very good option anyways. Topanga quickly decides that unless Cory objects, or they get an update that things look bad, both of the kids should stay in the city and they can join them in Philly over the weekend when the situation has settled some.
"You get going. I'll take care of telling Auggie and Riley, and make arrangements for them and then I'll come join you."
"Make arrangements…?" She fills him in on her plan, and though he looks completely overwhelmed by the entire scenario, he does agree.
"I'll get things straightened out and join you as soon as I can. Go take care of your brother and find out what's going on."
Apologies for the slight cliffhanger. I'll try to be quick about the next update.