Notes: I have all the love in the world for each and every one of you. Thank you so much for your patience. Keep an eye out in a few more minutes for the second half of this update, Part 9B, which takes place at approximately the same time.

Thursday

"Aug, bud, why don't you come sit with me and Aunt Morgan and tells us what you've been doing at school?"

Riley's cheeks heat up at her Uncle Eric's suggestion. She knows exactly why he's making it and it's not because he wants to hear about all of the latest developments with the classroom caterpillar. It's so he and Morgan can distract Auggie while her parents go with her and Uncle Jon to find someplace quiet to talk.

Their first priority upon arriving at the hospital twenty minutes ago had, of course, been getting a status update on her grandparents. It was all good news; her grandpa woke up briefly and the doctors were very pleased, and her grandma's surgery had gone well. The longer the conversation went on though, the more it drifted, and the more it became obvious that everyone there had been informed that something was going on with her and it wasn't anything good. A lot of glances got thrown around between Morgan and Eric and her parents (Josh is in the room sitting with her grandpa or Riley's sure that he would have joined in as well) and there was more than one elbow nudge followed by a significant eyebrow raise.

Auggie either doesn't realize the ruse or doesn't care, because he's quick to join Eric and Morgan and start telling them all about Ava sharing her cupcake with him today.

Riley's parents lead them from the family waiting area to a smaller alcove a few hallways away. As they sit, Riley ends up sandwiched between her parents which is a bit of a relief (if she's across from them and they're staring waiting for her to say something it's almost like giving a presentation to the class where she has no clue about any of the material, but with them next to her it's more like being in the bay window which is at least a comfortable space) until her mom speaks.

"OK. So I think it's obvious that we have a lot to talk about, but let's start with the most important thing. When Jon called us earlier from the school, he said you had a panic attack. How are you feeling now?"

As first questions go, it could be worse. Riley still takes a moment to think about her answer, because it has to be worded just right. She's starting to come on board with the idea that it's important to be open with her parents about her ongoing troubles because they might be able to give some advice or at least support her in ways that she's not getting right now, but she also doesn't want them to start worrying about her or thinking that they need to hold her hand all the time to guide her through everything since she makes such bad decisions sometimes.

"Uh...OK, I guess. I'm pretty tired, but I was really tired before it happened too." She reaches up to brush some hair behind her ear. "Which is probably why one thing happening just made it seem like everything else was coming back around. I just couldn't make sense of any of it or stop it for two seconds to breathe until Uncle Jon showed up and talked me through it. But I mostly just feel silly now."

"What one thing happened?"

"Everything else?"

Her dad's question comes barely a moment before her mom's, so Riley answers him. "Maya took off her ring."

"She what?!"

Her mom gently smacks the back of her hand against her dad's chest and urges her to continue. After that, it gets a little bit easier to explain. Riley summarizes the day's fight (and picks at her fingernails in her lap to have something other than what happened to focus on) and after a little prompting from Uncle Jon she moves on to telling them about everything that she's been keeping to herself since Texas. As she finishes, her mom reaches over and grabs one of her hands. "Why didn't you talk to us about any of this before?"

Her mom's voice is thick and wet and Riley's control starts to shatter. "Do you have any idea how hard it is tell you about the stupid mistakes I make? When all you ever are is this fierce genius in control of everything and changing the world and I'm just this silly little girl that can barely keep her own life together sometimes? I feel stupid enough about all of this without knowing for sure I've let you down."

"You could never let us-,"

"And I never know if I go to you if I'm talking to my teacher or my dad." Riley interrupts, turning to look at her dad. "I know you've said school is school and home is home, but it doesn't always work that way."

"Riley, you're my daughter first." Her dad leans forward, placing a hand on top of hers and her mother's. "Whether we're in our apartment, or school, or anywhere else, you're my daughter. If you come to me with a problem I'm going to do anything I can to fix it. Or at least to give you the tools you need to fix it. All you ever have to do is tell me."

Riley's not sure how she's supposed to feel better, hearing any of this. Theoretically she knows she should be thrilled to hear how supportive her parents are, even after she's messed things up so much and actually made their lives more complicated; she's incredibly lucky to have parents who care so much and want to help but all she can feel is this incredible pit of guilt sinking down into her stomach.

Her mom is practically crying because of her. Her dad looks even more crushed. They're both just sitting there, holding her hand and looking at her, waiting for her to say something else with their sad eyes and all Riley can think is that she made them feel this. If she had just figured out how to fix everything, or gotten over herself and talked to them at the start then maybe they wouldn't look so unrecognizable now.

She's made her parents practically unrecognizable. The shame is enough to wash over almost everything else.

"I don't even think I know what I need most of the time."

"That's one of the good things about asking the right people for help." Uncle Jon says. "They can help you figure that out."

Her mom nods, pulling her hand away briefly to thumb at the tears near her eyes. "Exactly. Right now, if we're looking at things objectively, there are two problems we need to deal with. The Maya situation, and figuring out some better, healthier ways for you to deal with your stress. We can't do much about either of them while we're out of town, but we can definitely talk about what options you have. And if you think something sounds great, tell us and we'll try to make that happen, OK?"

It's all such a vague concept. Talking about options for fixing everything. Riley can't even begin to imagine what any of that might entail, but it seems to be giving her parents something new to focus on and taking away some of their distress, and all she can do is nod. "OK."

Friday

It's not even six-thirty when Riley gives up on sleeping in the next morning. She's slept fitfully, plagued by more dreams of Riley and Maya: The Early Years that keep changing into that awful moment in the hallway and other times when things have been less than good between them. The mix of nostalgia and heartbreak leaves her feeling nauseous. She's sick of tossing and turning and worried that she's going to wake her Aunt Morgan up (everyone is sharing with someone to avoid dealing with hotels) so she goes downstairs to the kitchen and brews herself a mug of tea in the single serve coffee machine.

If she can't sleep, she can at least get some serious thinking done.

With tea in hand to settle her stomach, Riley creeps outside to the backyard still in her pajamas, and sits on the bench. The sun is crawling up, casting everything in a pinkish glow. There's a beautiful picture somewhere in it, maybe in Mr. Feeny's garden or over the roof of the tree house, but even with the few lessons that Uncle Shawn has given her with her camera she doubts she could capture it. Maya could though.

Maya.

Riley sighs and bows her head. All of the questions and problems swirling around her head center around Maya. Why did Maya have to fall for Lucas? Why won't Maya believe her or accept her apology? Why did Maya take off her ring? Is this as painful for Maya as it is for her? How is she supposed to fix any of this? Is it even worth fixing? Does Maya even want things to be fixed?

And then, Riley thinks, does she even want things to be fixed?

Everyone else seems to think that repairing the friendship is inevitable. Talking with her parents at the hospital that had been one of their main staying points; 'It all seems huge and impossible now because the hurt is fresh and you're overwhelmed. Use this weekend to take a step back and relax and when we go back to the city on Monday we'll figure out a way to get you girls talking again. It's just a few small mistakes and it will all blow over.'

Farkle sends a text telling her to get some rest and not worry about a thing. He's been talking to Maya and he promises to find a solution for everything.

Zay wishes her well and tells her they're working on a plan.

Lucas is the only one who doesn't mention Maya at all, just checks on her and lets her know that if she needs anything, she can call him. His message was the only one she could even come up with a reply for. She doesn't know how to explain her doubts about fixing things with Maya, or how the very thought of even just seeing her again sets her heart pounding. Even with her parents Riley just nods and lets them keep talking because they seem so intent on it.

Her decisions haven't been that good lately so maybe she should just let everyone else take charge. Maybe everything will work out better that way.

Riley's thinking about it all so intently that she doesn't even notice anyone approaching until Josh is sitting next to her on the bench.

"Is that coffee?" He mumbles, rubbing at his face. "Tell me that's coffee. I cannot be awake this early without some caffeine, like, now."

Some of the heaviness lifts off of Riley's chest and she smiles. "Just tea."

Josh reaches over and grabs the mug anyways, taking a huge gulp, and then grimacing. "Jeez, that's terrible. Don't you put sugar or honey or anything in it?"

"It's fine plain." Riley giggles and takes the mug back. "I didn't wake you up did I?" As part of maximizing the space in the Matthews house for all of the visitors, and to make things a bit more fun for Auggie, Josh had taken a couple sleeping bags and spent the night in the tree house with her brother.

"No, that was Auggie's snoring. For a tiny kid he makes noise like a foghorn."

"I always thought he sounded more like a chainsaw."

"Either way, the kid is loud." Josh sighs and leans over and nudges Riley gently with his elbow. "So that's my excuse, what's yours?"

"What's my what?"

"Your excuse for being up at this ungodly hour when you don't have to be."

Right. That. Riley takes the last sip of her tea to buy herself some time before answering. She has to debate herself whether or not she should tell the truth and get sucked into another conversation about the whole mess or just make something up and hopefully move on. As she bends down to put her empty mug on the ground she lands on telling the truth; Josh normally gives good advice and maybe he'll actually realize that she's not sure about what she really wants to do. "I can't stop thinking about this thing with Maya."

Josh, of course, has heard most of the story by now. "Every good friendship has a fight like this at some point, Riley. Nobody gets along all the time. You can't stress about it."

That's it? That's his big advice? Don't stress about it? Well, gee, if only she had thought of that before. "It's just that...this is bigger than some silly fight, Josh. She won't talk or listen to me."

"She's just hurt. She shows it differently than you but that's all it is. Cory and Topanga are gonna do something to help you guys talk it out and that'll be the end of it. Your friendship with Maya is way too strong for anything as ridiculous as a guy to come between you two."

Riley has so many protests. Her feelings for Lucas are not ridiculous or silly or trivial and judging from Maya's reaction to his rejection, neither are hers. The fight isn't just about Lucas at this point, there's trust and jealousy and a lot of other things involved. Their friendship hasn't felt that strong in a long time, not since the yearbook came out. And she still doesn't know if she wants to talk it out.

She doesn't know how to explain any of that. Everyone seems to think they understand it all and Riley can't really make the words make sense in her own head, let alone find a way to make them clear to anyone else.

Besides which, it's obvious that they all want things to be fixed and go back to normal. They love her, but they also love Maya. And if the two don't work things out, then every change that's been made lately will become permanent. Clearly, nobody wants that and they're focused on preventing it, regardless of everything else that's going on.

Is Riley supposed to stand in the way of that?

She presses her lips together in a tighter smile. "I know."

"It's all gonna work out, Riles. You two will be reading each other's minds and making Cory and Shawn jealous again in no time." Josh pats her on the shoulder a second time. "I'm gonna go crash on the couch for a while until the sun is a little closer to it's normal home in the middle of the sky."

Riley bites her lip as Josh stumbles back into the house. She knows that part of the reason their talk was so bad just now is that her uncle was really still half asleep; he's never been a morning person and doesn't function well until around 10:30 or after two or three cups of coffee, which ever happens first. And she knows he's also distracted by his parents being in the hospital even though they're out of the woods now but it still stings that, like everyone else, he can't see past the Maya issue to talk about the other parts of the problem or to notice that she's not entirely sure about fixing things with Maya. Yes, she didn't speak up, but he's always known her better than just about everyone except for Maya, so that he hasn't noticed her reluctance at all…

She never should have let Maya teach her how to lie and hide things. She's obviously gotten too good at it.

"Good morning Ms. Matthews." She just barely stops herself from jumping when Mr. Feeny greets her from next door. He's dressed for the day, with a trowel and a pair of garden gloves in the oversized pockets of his jacket, and he's carrying a thermos. "Are you normally this early of a riser or are you heading in to the hospital early to see your grandparents?"

"Neither." Riley shakes her head. "I've just been having some trouble sleeping. I thought I'd drink some tea and watch the sunrise."

"A pleasant alternative." Mr. Feeny nods. He places his thermos on a windowsill and starts to slip on his gardening gloves so he can start working on the window boxes. "Is there something in particular troubling you?"

Riley stands, walking the short distance to the fence between the neighboring yards. If she takes her parents' and everyone else's word for it, there's nobody better at advice than Mr. Feeny. It seems impossible to talk to her parents or family or friends about her growing doubts about Maya, knowing that they love her friend at least as much as they love her, but she's only met Mr. Feeny a handful of times, and is fairly confident that he doesn't share the same attachment to Maya; it's possible that he'll be objective. "How are you supposed to fix things with someone when just the thought of being in the same room as them makes it hard to breathe?"

Mr. Feeny takes a brief moment before he answers. "I assume this has to do with the conflict your having with your friend, Ms. Hart."

"You talked to my parents, didn't you?"

"Your father stopped by last night, yes." He confirms. "He's very concerned about you. He seems to think you're making yourself sick over an argument that's gotten out of hand."

"Making myself..." Riley drops off, all of her nausea that had been pushed back by her tea swelling up again. Is that what they thought? "I'm not making myself sick."

Mr. Feeny raises a gloved hand to hand stop her rant. "I believe he merely meant to imply that your emotional distress over the problem was manifesting itself as physical symptoms."

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about all of this." Riley explains the whole scenario in more detail than she has with anyone else. It is easier to tell Mr. Feeny, who has no actual horse in the race so to speak, what she's actually thinking about what's happened. His words come off so clinical and objective, but his voice is still so gentle and caring; it's no wonder her parents went to him with all of their problems in school. "Maya's been my best friend since the third grade and I don't want to lose her but...I'm not the only one who made a mistake here. She's really hurt me, more than once, and it feels like nobody cares about that, they just want us to be friends again." She says, after telling him the details of the fight. "And maybe I want us to be friends again too. I don't know.

"I just...I've spent six years being her friend, trying to do everything I can to be there for her when she needs someone and doing my best to make sure she's happy, and I get that I shouldn't have put her in the position I did and that she doesn't have to accept my apology but she won't even listen to me or believe me about anything else...How is that fair? How is it fair that I put in so much work to be a good friend and I sacrifice things for her, but she gets to throw tantrums and spread rumors and act like her entire world is awful because of me? Why should I go back and act like nothing she's done bothers me when she doesn't care enough to even pretend that it's hard for her to throw away our friendship?"

Mr. Feeny, who has crossed over to meet her at the fence during her lengthy explanation and removed his gardening gloves once more, taps them against the top of the gate. "You shouldn't."

Riley is so stunned that he understands and potentially agrees with her that she can't come up with a response.

"Ms. Matthews, any relationship, whether it be platonic, familial, romantic, is meant to be a two way street. No single person should have to do all the work. Both parties need to be able to trust and communicate with each other, to find common ground and understanding. If only one person tries, then only one person gets the benefits and it's not the person who deserves them. So if you truly believe that Ms. Hart is not holding up her end of the deal, so to speak, you have no obligation to continue to try and hold up yours."

"Everyone else seems to disagree with you."

"I don't think you told everyone else as much as you just told me. Perhaps they don't understand entirely where you're coming from. But even so...this isn't about their relationship with Ms. Hart. It's about yours. Your opinion and decision is the only one that matters. Don't let anyone else convince you of anything different."

Saturday

"Truth or dare."

"Come on Riley." Maya groans as she reenters Riley's bedroom after changing into her pajamas. It's the night before they start middle school and Maya's mom is working a double shift at the diner so Maya is sleeping over. "This game is stupid enough when you have a whole group of people. Don't make me suffer through another five rounds of you daring me to speak in a British accent for ten minutes."

"I'm just trying to have a little fun before tomorrow." Riley loves sleepovers and the games that you can play at them. Why shouldn't she distract herself from her nerves over starting at a new, bigger school with her father as one of her teachers by enjoying one of them with her best friend? Especially when it might be one of the last times she and Maya hang out like this. "You don't have to pick dare if you don't like the ones I come up with."

Maya tosses her bunched up clothes onto the floor near her duffel bag. "And throw myself at the mercy of your truth questions?" She shakes her head. "I don't think so."

Riley resists the urge to bite her lip. She can't force Maya to play the game, no matter how much she wants to. No matter how curious or worried she is. "Fine." A moment later inspiration strikes. She can't force Maya to play, but maybe she can entice her. "What if I let you pick out what I wear tomorrow?"

"Riles, you've had your first day of sixth grade dress picked out for three weeks. You'd really let me change that up?"

The cringeworthy combinations that Maya might put together make her hesitate, but Riley beams and nods anyways. "For anything in my closet."

Maya goes over to the closet, throwing open the doors. "Truth it is. Do your worst." She starts pawing through Riley's clothes. Some of the hangers she pulls get tossed to the ground, some of them go towards the bed where Riley's sitting.

"Do you think we're going to stay friends?" Riley debates with herself before she asks the question, but she might only get once chance and she has to know. She still remembers the first time she met Maya, thinking that the blonde was only going to a temporary blip in her and Farkle's lives. A fun and amazing blip, but a blip just the same that would move on when she found greener pastures. Riley can't believe that it's been three years and they're still so close—not once has Maya ever even indicated that she might want to move on. But she can't shake the feeling that the day will come.

Everything that Riley has heard about middle school, from TV to her Uncle Josh to the older kids who hang out at Svorski's tells her that it's the time when people really start figuring out who they are and finding out what they're into and what cliques they might belong in. And if she knows anything, it's that she and Maya are not the same type of person.

Maya is brash and confident and ignores all the rules. She doesn't care what anyone thinks and she's so strong, standing tall despite all the hardships she's dealt with in her life. Maya is pretty much the coolest person that Riley knows.

Meanwhile, Riley's a happy-go-lucky, klutzy, goody two-shoes. She smiles at everything, and desperately wants to fit in, even though she cares too much about what her parents and teachers think to ever make that happen.

Maya might have been able to ignore all of that in the small little pond of Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, but Riley can't imagine the same will be true in the massive ocean that is John Quincy Adams Middle School. At some point she's going to meet the other cool kids, and realize that it's not just that Riley and Farkle are a little weird, it's that they're total dorks, and that she'd be having a lot more fun and go a lot further in her life if she stopped spending time with them and moved on.

"What a waste of your truth. Of course we're gonna stay friends." Maya's still facing the closet but Riley knows her friend is rolling her eyes. "Why would you even ask me that?"

"Because..." Riley starts to fumble through the pile of clothes Maya has sent her way, and she quietly relates her worries to her friend. Maya spins on her heels when Riley mentions that they're nothing alike, and crosses the room to sit in front of her on the bed when Riley says she'll realize her world could be more fun without Riley in it.

Maya grabs Riley's hand. "Riley Matthews, that is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You're my best friend. My world is nothing without you in it."

"But-,"

"Do you remember the day we met? And I said I'd rather my best friend be one of the weird kids?" Maya waits for Riley to nod before she continues. "Do you know why?"

"No."

"Because weird kids like you and Farkle don't care that all my clothes come from a thrift shop, or that I can't afford to throw big parties or go to the movies all the time or anything else. All you guys care about is being good friends. And that's way more important to me than hanging out with any of the supposed cool kids. Riley, you've been the best thing about my life since the day we met. You're my best friend. There's not a person in the world that could walk through the door of John Quincy Adams that could ever change that."

Riley's elbow hits the floor first and it's only the jolt of sharp agony that makes her brace herself enough that her face doesn't crash into the carpet as well. "Ooof!" She kicks her legs, feeling all too restricted by the sheets and comforter wrapped around her feet. Maya's last words in her dream echo loudly in her head; it takes every last bit of Riley's focus to push them into the background once more.

She manages three choked breaths before she's steady enough to sit up. With her elbow still throbbing, Riley looks to her Aunt Morgan's bed, fearful that she's woken her up with her commotion, but finds it empty and half made instead. A glance to the alarm clock on the bedside table is surprising.

7:30.

It's later than she's managed in weeks. Riley would almost feel rested if it weren't for the fleeing adrenaline and the lingering wistful agony from her dream.

She'd left her talk with Mr. Feeny a bit more at peace with the mess in front of her. She still had a million things to think about and still wasn't sure if she could make a choice that people might not agree with (or if that was even the choice that she wanted to make) but there was something soothing about just knowing that there was someone who actually understood why she had to think about it in the first place. Riley had been able to split her day between time at the hospital waiting for more news and helping to keep Auggie occupied and working on some of the classwork she was missing and needed to make up and feel like she was actually taking some of it in. She'd been so focused that she'd gotten away with having only two more uncomfortable and emotional conversations with her parents about what was going to happen next and how they could make things easier for her, and even though those talks had given her a bit more to consider, they weren't enough to totally disturb her newfound calm, and sleep had come relatively easily and stayed until the dream hit her.

Just as quickly it all vanishes. The abstract concept of maybe letting her friendship go with Maya is one thing but the bigger slam back into reality of what exactly she'd be letting go is another. It's so easy when she's hurt to only remember what she's done—the times that she's shared her things and family with Maya and all the times that she's schemed to make sure her friend gets the support and recognition that she deserves—but despite the way things have felt lately, it's never been a one-sided relationship.

Maya has always been the first person to stand up to anyone who dares make fun of Riley. She's been dealing with Riley's insecurities for years and still reassures her no matter how old it must be getting. When it all comes down to it, Maya has probably done just as much scheming to try and make sure that Riley ends up happy as Riley has done for her.

What's more important? Can she really forget the past month in favor of the last six years? Can she forgive Maya for dismissing six years of friendship? For doing and saying the sorts of things that they'd always promised they would never do or say to each other?

How can she make that decision?

There's too much spinning around her head for her to focus on any one thing. She has to get it out. Riley scrambles to her feet and grabs her phone from the bedside table. She sits on the edge of the bed, pulling up the contact from her address book and initiating the call from pure muscle memory. She gets an answer from a sleep-clogged voice on the very last ring.

"Hello?"

"Can we talk?"