A/N: Don't own or make money from TBBT.

The end of Cera's evening with Howard.

Chapter 16

"I'm…I'm having trouble imagining a woman like you wanting to be with Sheldon and I'm having more trouble imaging Sheldon wanting to be with anybody."

"I don't know what a woman like me is, but Sheldon wasn't a bad guy. He was always himself, no matter what anybody else thought. Sure, sometimes we had heavy discussions, but we didn't really argue or get hostile. Despite not being my boyfriend, he seemed to be a more solid presence than the guys that were. He was not a guy with an agenda. And he didn't try to be cool, or pretend to be someone else. He was not pursuing me for money, sex, or status. Most of the time I thought he liked my company. We had sex because we wanted to. And yeah, he has some issues with control and cleanliness, but we worked through it."

"Did it involve bathing in a vat of hand sanitizer?"

"It's natural to be curious, please try to be…tasteful with your questions…No, there was no hand sanitizer, but I did what I could to ease his mind."

"That's…good of you. So you just," Howard thought of a polite way to put it, "punched each other's v-card and then you were in love with him."

"Not exactly, no. We agreed to have sex, three times. Sheldon wanted to…extend our dalliance and I agreed to it. After being intimate a few more I noticed something…different, for myself. We had gone out to play putt-putt and while there he noticed another woman, you know, in his peripheral vision. She was blonde too, just so you know. And he offhandedly wondered, "if coitus would feel different with a different partner.'"

"Oh, and you got crazy jealous."

"No. I just shrugged and said I didn't know. I understood that it was more of a scientific query than actually wanting a new partner. We, also, weren't in a relationship so, it wasn't as if he was violating anything. But it did sting a little bit."

"That was still a crap move. I thought it was pretty basic knowledge you don't talk about other women. So what else?"

"I recognized my feelings were too strong to maintain our arrangement. So I told him I wanted to stop, not long after that."

"So you realized you loved him because of the blonde and cut it off. Good for you, he was being a douche."

"I still wasn't 'in love.' His response to stopping was to ask "Do you no longer desire coitus? Am I no longer physically appealing?" After confirming yes, I like sex and I still like him, his answer was perhaps it was my hormones settling."

"Wow, that's…"

"I know. And it worked, for a while."

"You stayed with him?! For that? I have clearly been underestimating Sheldon."

Cera laughed "Well, I was lost in my own delusions about a rational, adult, sexual relationship. I mean, I hardly ever took him home, his brother picked him up…pretty quickly. For a while, I thought, being alone after sex, where I could process it all, was a good thing. I felt superior to my mom and my friends, because I wasn't entangled in false romanticism. I knew what was real.

"Soon, 'real' became very hollow. Not that I was in need of a cuddle, but I need to not be… deserted. I worried that I would seem…clingy, but how clingy is seeing someone once a week…or less. I was having trouble sorting my feelings, but it was becoming apparent I was having strong ones. So I suggested we wrap it up again."

"How long had you been together then?"

"We'd been friends for more than six months, but having sex, maybe two." Cera ran her hands over her face and through her hair. "This is just so peculiar, to expose this. I really have never spoken to another about this before. It's been…heavy."

Howard was bewildered by the dramatics. She really was an odd woman. "So two months of squeaky clean, Sheldon sex and you're in love?"

"No. Three months. And being in love with him had nothing to do with the intimacies. I had cherished him as a friend and I had come to appreciate him as a lover. One day I just realized that I preferred him to everyone, and I had for a while."

"You slept with him for another month?! I did not know Sheldon had it in him, he must be good."

"I told you, I was a fool. I agreed to more 'coitus.' And it was good. It got so good, that's all we were. I brought up my concerns, that we don't eat out, or play games, or even discuss work anymore. When we talked through those issues, it was the best it had ever been. He even spent the night."

"Sheldon, stayed with you? Did you have to drug him? 'Cause I couldn't even keep him in my bed with Catwoman, Halle Berry to be exact." Amazed by the revelation Howard questioned, "And you think he didn't like you?"

Cera laughed through her tears, "What?"

"He was hiding from Leonard. He didn't want to chance telling him a secret he was keeping for Penny. He's never… been… the guy you're describing."

"Apparently, he wasn't then either. The next time I saw him, he was distant and twitchy. After… uh," Cera drew a deep breath, "I need some water, would you like something?" She walked toward her kitchen.

"Sure, a soda. Are you ok?" he called over his shoulder. He was unsure if he should go after her or give her a moment.

"I'm fine. I don't drink soda, so is water ok?"

"Sure."

Cera leaned into the refrigerator and took a deep breath. While getting this off of her chest was liberating, it was hard. And it was getting worse. She could just tell Howard to mind his own damn business and send him home. She could stop this evening's agony and go to bed. But Howard could be an advocate that could stand in the gap between her and Sheldon. This had plagued her in nightmare form, several times over in the last few months and didn't really want to rehash this. She'd explained it this far, she may as well finish.

Cera was resting on the couch in her robe waiting for Sheldon to exit the bathroom. She was just so tired. Her internship had just gotten too intense to maintain much else in her life. And this thing with Sheldon was leaving her weary. He'd been aloof all day and he didn't seem to be getting any better. He was pulling on blue shirt with a vintage print of Luke, Leia, Chewie, and Han, when he walked from the bathroom. She shook her head, knowing there was now an identical shirt in her hamper. Sheldon couldn't leave in 'used' or different clothing, so he had taken to leaving duplicates of a few of his shirts in her apartment. So now she was responsible for washing the Star Wars double.

This whole arrangement was really starting to weigh on her. "Sheldon I think… I think I need something different."

"Perhaps you're right. A change would be good."

This response shocked her since, usually he was trying to convince her to continue. Perhaps he just misunderstood. "I think it's… it's time to stop. It's… been intriguing and very pleasurable. I've enjoyed this experience and…I'm glad I had it with you. I… I think… I need to, uh, adjust, our arrangement. It's… affecting me more than I had expected. Emotionally. I, uh, care for you."

"Are you implying that because you're fond of me, you no longer want to have coitus?" Sheldon seemed to consider this a moment, "Interesting."

Cera realized that while she had avoided being the carbon copy of her mother, she wasn't the antithesis either. Emotions were unstoppable and worse, sometime so was their expression. "The thing is, I love you."

"Well, that is not possible. We decided that this was not an emotional expression."

"I know what…we decided…I really tried to stay rational about it, but…I…just have too many emotions concerning you. Being with…being intimate, with you has just exacerbated my feelings."

"I don't see how. This act is really is repulsive. You've contaminated me in all manner of bodily fluids and pathogens. It smells for goodness sake!" was Sheldon's nearly clinical answer, his tone only going up at the end.

While she hadn't expected Sheldon to pledge undying love for her, she could hope, of course, but this was really not the response she had expected. "Wow, I…" Her words were lost somewhere between hurt and anger, but quickly she was coming back to herself. "I'd feel more inclined to believe that, if you hadn't had to 'engage' one more time, Sheldon."

"It's all part of the observational process of an experiment. Changing the parameters to observe changes in the outcome. I was merely curious about the effects different frames of mind would have on coitus." Cera was surprised about how calmly he explained this. She had heard him put more effort into ordering food. That just made her feel worse.

Cera's tears were flowing freely now. She got to her feet to put some distance between her and Sheldon. "Wow, I…I thought you…cared…at least a little."

"Where would get such an idea? I've made no such assertion - verbal or physical."

"This entire endeavor has been a physical assertion of…feelings, Sheldon!"

"We just discussed this-We documented and agreed, this was purely physical-no irrational emotions involved. I really should start getting things in writing."

"But what about last week? You stayed!"

"Merely observing from yet a different point of view. Perhaps you should just calm down and try to be rational about this."

"God, this…." Cera slid down the wall, tears streaming down her face. "This is not…real. I never imagined you'd…you'd break my heart." Her words being lost in sobs.

"That's merely an imagined feeling. The heart is a muscle that cannot be impaired by your overly emotional state. The feeling you have, you've done that to yourself. Your faulty expectations are hurting you."

"If I could feel different believe me, I would…YOU, started all of this. So this…I was nothing?! You were using me?"

"Well, I wouldn't say it was nothing. It's been very informative. Any and all relationships are arrangements of exploitation. We both benefited from this, therefore I consider it to have been a symbiotic arrangement. Just consider this a social experiment that has come to its conclusion."

"But you're my best friend."

"Am I? I believe you told me that both parties need to have a formal agreement to have a relationship." Sheldon sounded nearly confused by the thought.

"I…I said that about dating."

"Would the same not hold true for any relationship, whether it is professional, friendly, familial, or romantic?"

"Well, yes, but-."

"Then I get to choose whether or not we associate with one another. I really have no time or inclination for such a thing. If my momma hadn't insisted, I doubt I would have endeavored to entertain you all these months."

Cera couldn't even respond, just sob. She'd never felt so crushed, so drained or so disgusted…with herself.

After staring at Cera for a moment he made a decision, "Well, I can see you are in no state to drive. I'll get Junior to pick me up here instead of the comic book store." Sheldon stepped out of her apartment.

Cera woke up nearly an hour later, still slumped against the wall. She got up and showered long and hot to wash away her own feelings of disgust. The feeling of being used up and discarded. The feelings of being shattered. The feeling of losing a best friend. The feeling of not knowing what was truth, what were lies.

The next week was dull and tiring for Cera. She thought of Sheldon often, missed the occasional email and even rarer phone call, but she had yet to miss his presence. Since her schedule only allowed them time together once every week or so, she hadn't experienced a time when he was absent.

As May turned to June, she was at her wits end. It had been eleven days since he walked out. She chastised herself, she should feel better and have no regrets. She had known her feelings were getting dangerous and their liaison needed to end. She had known her work was overwhelming her and she needed rest. So why did she feel so bad in so many ways?

Depression. Cera decided that was the culprit. Everyone knows depression makes one tired. That would fit in so well with her new compulsion to shower long and often. She just felt so…dirty, and used, and angry. She directed most of the anger at herself, for agreeing to it, for allowing it to continue, for handing him her heart to stomp on his way out.

Sheldon deserved more of Cera's anger, she knew, but it was hard to maintain, when it actually seemed out of character. Well, it was an exaggeration of his character, she thought. His feelings just seemed to come from out of nowhere. She wasn't even certain he meant it, he was unsettled throughout his tirade.

Cera decided there was only one way to find out.

"Hello?"

"Hi Sheldon."

"Dr. Tollman."

"How…how are you?"

"Seeing as how we know longer have any social interactions, I see no need to fill you in on 'how I am.' Is there something of which you are in need?"

"Just…what happened? Why would you say...all of that?"

"What happened? We conducted an experiment. If you would like the analysis…coitus is pleasurable. But it is also time consuming, distracting, messy, unsanitary. And clearly it makes logical women behave in irrational and senseless way.

"Since this experiment has come to a close and the data presents far more negatives than positives I propose we label this as a failure and move forward. I will no longer be in need of transportation since we will no longer be affiliated. Good-bye Dr. Olivia Tollman."

"Uh, oh. I'm," Cera felt as though the air had been knocked out of her again. She knew calling was a bad idea, but she just had to know. It was all she could do to utter a farewell and hang up the phone. "I'm, uh, sorry to take up your time Sheldon. Goodbye."

"Cera? Are you OK?"

"Uh," She felt slightly embarrassed that Howard caught her sobbing in the refrigerator. "No. No, I'm not."

"Was he that bad?"

Howard barely heard the "Yeah," that Cera croaked out. She seemed small and frail, as took his glass of water. As she walked back to her couch, he put his other hand on her upper back for fear she may faint away.

After Howard situated the sobbing woman on the couch, she continued, "I needed to end it, because of how I felt. But he…I don't know…seemed to need to make it as painful as possible. Apparently sex was too messy and unsanitary and distracting. He was using me, but justified it by the fact that, all relationships are about mutual exploitation. He said I…was just…a social experiment. I gave him a week to calm down and called him again." At Howard's wrinkled brow Cera felt the need to explain her insanity. "Some portion of what he told me was a fabrication. He twitched. So I had to know. I just got more of the same vitriol."

"He…he told you all that? Oh, he really is an idiot!" While Howard had never doubted the stupidity of Sheldon when it came to the human race, but this was extreme. As he watched Cera settle on the couch, he couldn't understand was why this successful woman, who had so much going for her, was hurting over him. "But that was a long time ago I don't understand why it- Oh, Oh. My. God. Sheldon's a baby daddy!?" The evidence was all over her townhouse, he just couldn't see it until his view of Sheldon had changed. Now, the dark haired girl looked familiar. Thank goodness she smiled like her mother.

Cera chuckled through her tears. The statement was absurd even if the facts were sound. She took several calming breaths.

"Yes, he is Merritt's father. But he isn't an idiot. It's taken years, and some therapy, but I came to realize he was right… for him. True, he didn't have to be offensive about it and the sentiment was harsh, but it was true. We agreed to something, and I changed it….All relationships are for...selfish gain of some sort. He is entitled to his opinion on how sex makes him feel. And he was right not to feel friendly towards me. I wasn't a real person. I was a lie. I was lying to me."

"So he uses you, tears you down, abandoned you and just like that it's ok?"

"Not ok, but understandable… He…he doesn't know about Merritt, so I carry that blame."

"So you got pregnant and didn't tell Sheldon. Ya know, I'm surprised that Sheldon didn't use protection. Several kinds, actually. At once."

"We did. I was on birth control and we occasionally used condoms. I didn't know I was pregnant until a few weeks later."

"How did you manage that? That stuff is like 99% effective."

"Oral contraceptives are only 97% in 'ideal' conditions. Which means it's not really that high during typical use. Which is…91% I think."

"What the hell is typical use? Uh, that's not that good." Howard pinched the bridge of his nose. Those stats were enough to panic any man.

"Typical use is average usage. Did you know the average woman misses two pills a month? A six to eight hour delay can cause enough hormone flux to be the difference between parenthood or not."

"Huh?" Howard asked wide-eyed, he was unsure if this was the physician in her or if she just liked rattling of facts too. "So, you missed?"

"No, actually, I'm very good with taking pills. And if I ever had missed, Sheldon would have pestered me about it. I got food poisoning. Fettuccine Alfredo. In a Sheldon approved restaurant. I thought it might be a little off, but Sheldon insisted the restaurant wouldn't serve such a thing. And he wouldn't taste to verify one way or another. I was sick for four days. I can't even stand the thought of the stuff now." Cera shivered in remembrance.

Howard sat silent for a moment. He wasn't sure how to respond to Sheldon being a father. A father to a child, he wasn't aware of. If it could happen to Sheldon…He was now worried about the efficacy of his and Bernadette's birth control and the fine line between anyone and parenthood. Cera broke the silence.

"I don't regret her….I don't regret Sheldon being her father. I'm just sorry she's been without a dad…I'm terrified he'll…hate her. I never want her to hear Sheldon…like that." Cera began to cry again.

"Hey, we'll get this figured out. I get why you didn't tell him. If he has problems with her, we're gonna have him retested."

"Thanks Howard….I actually, did call him. After several weeks of feeling crappy and passing out at work a few times, one of the nurses insisted she test me. I called three days later. He didn't answer or call me back so I called his mom."

"You didn't tell her either, did you."

"Uh, tell Mary Cooper her son knocked me up? No thank you. We'd be divorced already."

"Yeah, I can see why you didn't tell her."

"I even talked to Missy once. No one could get him to call me back. My pregnancy was rough, so I ended up having to withdraw after the end of my first year as an intern. It's difficult to be an effective physician when you are dizzy, have the shakes, and passing out on the patients."

"But you finished? I mean you're a specialist now."

"Yeah, I spent a year doing medical transcriptions in a pediatrician's office, just to stay in the loop, but I went back when Merritt was seven months old. Finished my internship, then went for the allergist fellowship."

"You weren't in Texas though, were you?"

"No, my health and my emotional state deteriorated until I was frightened to be so isolated. I called Elliott, he's one of my best friends. But I hadn't talked to…anyone in over a year. I didn't think he'd come. He came and helped me out until I could move home to North Carolina, to Duke. I spent years there." Cera got a small faraway look and continued on. "I stayed with him at his dad's a few weeks after I got out of my lease, before I could move. Elliott's dad, he was a roadie for my parents, but was from Pasadena, Texas. Then we drove cross country together. He encouraged me to…to talk to my mom.

"I had been so bad to her. For reasons I couldn't understand. But being at the wrong end of someone's emotional…mishandling, helped me understand her more. I still don't wanna be used and hurt in the way she once allowed herself to be. Finally accepting that I am tenderhearted like her, means I can avoid the same outcome."

Cera had ceased the hard sobs and was down to just an occasional quiet tear. Howard felt as though she wasn't really talking to him anymore. She was…purging. He supposed years of keeping to herself had caught up with her. It was a familiar sight and sound, in an uncomfortable way. This is what he knew his mom did, for years after his dad left. Occasionally, when Howard was supposed to be sleeping or out with friends, he would catch her and it made him hate his own father all the more.

Howard knew blind siding Cera had been a crazy idea, and the motivation was selfish nosiness at best, but he was glad he had done it, clearly she needed help. And so did her daughter.

"Can you tell me about your daughter?"

"Merritt? Sure, but she'll be here in a few minutes. If you just want to meet her." Cera put on a huge grin.

"I would like that….Uh, what do you hope to accomplish, with Sheldon?"

"I expect he'll want to terminate his parental rights. I imagine he would find a child even more distracting than sex and I certainly don't think he would want a child with me."

Howard noted she didn't seem to be saddened by this and there were no new tears. She was just resigned to it. And he couldn't say if it was an accurate prediction of Sheldon's behavior or not. Though he suspected if Sheldon ever figured out he was a real boy and let someone in, they were getting sealed in plastic and worshipped like one of his comics.

"What would you like to happen?" Howard had seen firsthand that Cera still cared enough to take him to the comic book store and want him to be happy. Certainly she had some bit of hope.

"I suppose the best I could hope for is that we could be co-parents. You know, a united front for Merritt."

"Isn't 'united fronts' what got you into this in the first place?"

"Howard!"

"Just trying to lighten the mood." Howard had the decency to look sheepish for his tasteless joke. Fortunately, Cera could appreciate his humor and laughed long and hard.