Chapter 19
Bernadette was perched on Penny's love seat. She had come over directly after work because Howard was unavailable, he wasn't with the guys either. She didn't know where he was and wanted some assurance or advice from Penny. She wasn't even sure what the problem was, if there was a problem, but she knew something was going on with Howard. He wanted to be with his mother more frequently than usual, speaking often about her loneliness and his dedication to her as her son. Despite all the time together, he still hadn't told her about the engagement.
There had been many occasions in the last two weeks, like tonight, when he wasn't where he implied he would be. While she felt confident she didn't need to keep tabs on Howard, he wasn't at work or with friends, so where was he? There were also the times when he deconstructed all of his relationships, wondering how they impacted his life. She had worried he was having an affair, but it was starting to seem more like he was seeing a shrink.
The ladies hadn't spoken long when they were disrupted by a knock on the door.
"I almost forgot. Shoes!" Penny squealed as she threw open the door to see Cera holding a shoe box.
"Hey. I need to make this speedy, I have to pick up Merritt and I'm having a guest for dinner. Oh, hello Bernadette."
Bernadette was confused by the sight. Cera looked neat, professional even, save the bare feet and the sunglasses on her head. Mistaking Bernadette's confused expression for uncertainty on the shoes, Penny explained the shoe exchange she had with Cera. "It's like a library for shoes. I check out what I want and when I turn them back in, in good shape, of course, I can get more."
"I've never even seen you wear shoes before." Bernadette watched the odd procedure of Cera wiping her feet with an anti-bacterial wipe.
"I don't…Uggh…I stepped on something sticky in the stairwell…I don't like wearing shoes, but when I wear them I want them to be the best. And I only let Penny wear the open toes or open heels because I don't want her stretching my shoes with her big ol' man feet." Cera winked as she repeated Penny's own joke back to her.
"Hey, my feet are only a half size bigger than yours." Penny offered a playful protest. "I know I have those red shoes around here somewhere." Penny opened a kitchen cabinet, then looked on the shelves of her island. "You know Bernadette, maybe Cera can help you. She's pretty good with relationship stuff. She's given me a different outlook on Leonard…and Zack."
"That's not even remotely true. In the last fourteen years, I have been cheated on, rejected, had a boyfriend that was insecure about Merritt's father, one that about wasn't fond of kids, and another one that put his career over human decency. I am not someone to listen to. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few great men in between and they have turned into some fantastic friends, but the only thing I'm good at is being a friend, not a lover."
"But you always get me to think about…about what I really want…and why." Penny was still frantically searching for the missing box of shoes.
"I'm just asking questions I've had to ask myself. The only benefit those have ever had while in a relationship, was to know when it was over."
"So…What kind of questions are those?" Bernadette asked softly from a bar chair.
"Oh, Bernadette. No!"
"Oh, I'm not…It's just that…I don't even know where Howie is…" Bernadette filled her in on her concerns.
Cera shifted slightly where she stood. Taking a good look at Bernadette, she noted her concern and sadness. She hadn't considered the implications of dividing the couple with a secret. Nor had she considered that Howard was rearranging his schedule to hang out with her and Merritt. She felt selfish and inconsiderate. She really was tired of hurting people with secrets.
"I'm sure it's nothing that bad, Bernadette. Maybe he's even planning a surprise for you." Penny wasn't sure she felt that confident about Howard, but she wanted Bernadette to feel better. "Maybe the bedroom." She muttered as she wandered back to her room.
"Do you have dinner plans?" Cera had walked to the island and was looking at Bernadette.
"Me?" Bernadette was startled by the questions. She and Cera barely spoke and never hung out. Especially not by themselves. "I…I don't, not since Howard was suddenly busy."
"I would like you to come for dinner."
"Oh, I…I could, but didn't you say you were having someone over?"
"Yes, I did. He won't be a problem. Can you give me…an hour and fifteen minutes? I need to get Merritt and start dinner." Cera pulled out her phone and forwarded her address to Bernadette.
"It's time for dinner?" Penny's voice came from her bedroom door where she was still empty handed. "Hey! There they are!" She bent down and retrieved the shoe box from under her director's chair.
"Oh, thanks Penny." Cera took the box and turned to Bernadette, "See you soon." She stepped out of the apartment.
Cera was at the top of the stairs when her peripheral vision detected the movement of Sheldon's door opening. She hadn't seen Sheldon in two weeks. She wished she had time to talk to him, but she was running behind as it was.
"Olivia." Sheldon noticed her the minute he opened the door. The thirty-eight inches between Cera and himself was close enough he could even smell the citrus on her. While he preferred to disregard her presence, his mouth decided to give in to social convention and be polite.
"Hello Sheldon, I'd stay and talk, but I'm needed elsewhere and surprise, surprise, I'm late." She laughed softly to herself.
Sheldon couldn't help but wonder what on earth did she think he would want to talk to her about?
"There is quite a bit we could talk about, but it will have to wait. We'll talk soon. Man sieht sich." Cera disappeared down the stairs, not waiting for a reply.
Drat, he admonished himself for saying that out loud. This woman had always compromised his tight control over himself. Why does she constantly want to talk and why did she insist on 'seeing him around.'
Sheldon walked back into his apartment where Raj sat waiting for him with his Mysitc Warlords of Ka'a cards. "Was Penny not home either? Dude, where is everybody tonight?"
"Umm," Sheldon had completely forgotten why he even left his apartment in the first place. But had realized that blonde suited Cera's skin tone and eye color better than what he was accustom to. As soon as that thought crossed Sheldon's mind, he decided to investigate and see if Cera had begun dosing him again.
Merritt opened the door with a grin. "Hello Mr. Howard. Did you bring the stuff?"
"I did. I brought you several different actuators, motors, and microcontrollers. We'll just mix and match them all out and see what we get. This will be the best Lego robot ever!" Howard carried in a box and set it on a card table Cera had set up in her living room. "Where's your mom?"
"She's in the kitchen. Don't distract her or she'll burn something. Probably herself."
"She's not a good cook?" Howard felt skeptical about eating Cera's cooking now.
"Oh, she cooks good. She's just…dangerous."
"Oh. I should still let her know I'm here, though. I'll be back in a second. Why don't you lay all that out and see what we have?"
"Hey, I'm setting up with Merritt in the living room."
"Oh, hey…Are you ok?" Cera noticed Howard didn't sound as upbeat as usual. "What's the matter Howard?"
"Nothing, don't worry about it." Howard shoved his hands in the pockets of his bright orange pants.
"Come on we're friends aren't we? You've listened to me, so I can at least I can listen to you. Maybe even help."
"That's kind of you. What you ever saw in Sheldon, I'll never understand." Howard shook his head.
"I'm sure the same could be said to someone in your case as well." Cera smirked at him
"Yeah, that's the thing. Bernadette is kind of mad. She's noticed I have not been around as much the last few weeks. She asked me if I was having an affair."
"Oh, Howard…"
"Don't worry I didn't...I didn't tell. I'm just not going to be around as much."
"I'm so, so, sorry. You really are a true friend. You shouldn't let me and my problems affect your relationship." Cera just hoped this evening she could smooth over the upset she had caused.
"Momma, somebody's at the door!" Merritt shouted from the living room.
"I heard Merritt, there is no need to shout." Cera gave Merritt a stern look across the kitchen counter. "Go ahead and answer it."
A dark haired girl, that Bernadette could only assume was Merritt, answered the door.
"Oh, uh, hello." Bernadette looked around trying to determine exactly what she had walked into. It was a nice place, despite the table with Legos and robotics in the living room. Before she could finish looking over the space for her hostess, she heard a familiar voice.
"Bernie? What…what are you doing here?"
Bernadette's eye was drawn across the open space to the kitchen, where Howard stood in a kitchen with Cera.
"I invited her. She seemed lonely, I thought we could be good company for her…You two should try to be on the same page at all times…Dinner's ready." Cera told Merritt to wash up and got a contented Howard to carry food to the dining table.
The group had no more than sat down, to lemon pepper chicken when Merritt spoke up. "This is not what I wanted. I wanted a hamburger."
"OK, we can have that tomorrow."
"But I don't want it tomorrow, I want it now." Merritt huffed and her voice became whiny as she got agitated.
"Merritt." Cera hoped a stern voice would snap her out of her funk. Merritt just pulled her shirt up over her mouth and nose, propping her elbows on the table in protest. Cera kneeled on the floor beside her chair making eye contact with her.
"Honey, look at me." Cera pulled her shirt from her face. "Take a deep breath, take another one. Ok. Now I'm aware you had your heart set on something else, but there are times when we can't always have what we want, and have to let others have a turn with their way, ok?"
"Yes, ma'am." Cera mumbled reluctantly.
Howard watched the exchange between Cera and Merritt. He was amazed at how familiar Merritt was. She carried so many of Sheldon's mannerisms. The way she cocked her head, held her hands, and expression of displeasure. When Merritt pulled her shirt up, he was half expecting a rant about germs instead of dinner. Somehow Cera seemed to gently nudge her in the right direction and calm her down. He wonder if in the past, she had that ability with Sheldon.
The group spent a bit more time eating a calm dinner. Merritt was excited to meet Mr. Howard's pretty fiancé. Bernadette was impressed at how interested Merritt was in the sciences. She learned that Merritt had built a Lego robot for school and Howard was helping her improve on it. Bernadette still felt unsure about exactly how this alliance had come about and what it meant.
"So you're a doctor, too, right? Like Momma?" Thrown off by Cera's question, Bernadette's head snapped around to look at Cera.
"No, darlin' Miss Bernie will have a Ph.D. and do research in medicine. I have an MD and practice medicine on patients."
Bernadette felt awful for never thinking to ask what Cera did for a living. She just assumed roaming around with a guitar was her thing. Now knowing she was a specialist put things in a much different perspective. It explained the knowledge she had and how she seemed irritated when she and Amy tried to talk over her. Though Amy was worse, but mostly because Bernadette was still weeks from her actual degree where Amy was already wielding a degree. Bernadette wondered what else she had missed in not asking.
After the dinner was cleared, Cera instructed Merritt to go up and shower. She then ushered her guest to her living room and spoke. "Thank you, Bernadette, for coming over. I know you're concerned with Howard's absences lately and I just want to ease your mind that he is with me."
Bernadette wasn't certain how this was supposed to ease her mind. She had noticed Howard's odd interaction with Cera last week and saw how they at ease they were with each other. Usually her girlfriends complain that Howard comes on a little strong. While he had improved greatly, he still slipped back into old habits, but clearly he held Cera in a different regard. Probably because he aware of her on a more personal level. He already knew she was a physician after all.
"He's been helping me with an...issue concerning Merritt." Cera said softly.
"Oh, is, is something wrong with her?" Bernadette felt bad that something wrong with a child actually made her feel better.
"No, no, nothing is wrong with her, she's wonderful. I…I need to know that you can keep this confidential before I explain. Howard's been great about it. I'm surprised he kept to himself, even to the point of keeping it from you. I...I don't like the idea of couples having such large secrets from each other so I decided to let you in on it. But it is for Merritt's...protection that you keep it to yourself."
"What are we keeping to ourselves?" The group heard Merritt ask.
"Nothing you need to worry your little head about. Are you about ready for bed?"
"Yep, I showered and brushed my teeth." Merritt smiled big to show off her pearly whites.
"Yep?" One day, Cera thought, manners will be second nature to her.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Ok, good. Go get a glass of water, then come tell Miss Bernadette and Mr. Howard good night. We'll see them again soon."
After a few moments of quiet small talk a loud melodious whistle came from Cera. Howard looked startled, then noticed she had gestured to Merritt, in the kitchen.
"I bet you didn't do that around him. That's a strike-able offence." Cera looked utterly confused, so Howard added, "It's irritating to him." Trying not to give away her secret.
"Oh, it wasn't a problem before. Since I was the one with the height issue, it was my responsibility to make myself locatable if we were separated somewhere. So I started whistling a unique tune. When he heard me he whistled back. It worked well in box stores."
Merritt appeared with water and Cera walked her upstairs and tucked her into bed.
"She's, uh...an intense child." Bernadette confessed to Howard once they were alone.
"I haven't seen her like that much. She decides she wants something a certain way and then it's just set in her head that's the way it should be. I don't know if it's because she has a smart, logical mind or if it's genetic, but Cera handles her well. Look this…"
Upon returning downstairs, Cera noticed a very sober looking Bernadette.
"Howie's explained the…gravity of what you are trusting with. I promise no matter how interesting, I won't repeat it to anyone."
"Good, Merritt needs trustworthy people around her right now."
"So do you." added Howard.
Cera spent the next forty-five minutes repeating her tale to Bernadette. At the end Bernadette was just as teary eyed as Cera and holding her tightly.
"This is…I don't…But he's so very…childlike. I mean he plays with dolls and collects comic books." Bernadette flipped through Cera's photos. Sheldon's baby face of a decade ago made him look even more juvenile.
Cera pointed to her vintage Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt. "I myself still gather things I loved when I was younger. Did you know, Strawberry Shortcake was originally just an illustration for American Greeting in 1977. And My Little Pony was originally My Pretty Pony and more closely resembled a genuine horse in coloring and shape? It wasn't until '83 that they became the fun, colorful ponies of today" Bernadette's eye went wide at those bits of information. She kind of got it now. "My brothers still actively collect comic book themselves. Even my dad has comic books from when he was a kid back in the fifties, though his collection of guitars is much larger."
"Really which ones?" Howard asked eagerly at the mention of vintage comic books.
"Uh, Archie, Casper, Superman, Wonder Woman…There's a bunch. There are a few displayed in the playroom, in our home. Oh! You should come out and see it sometime."
Cera was answered with "Great!" and "We'll see."
"So, when was the last time you tried to contact him?" Bernadette no longer wanted to discuss 'collectables.'
"You mean aside from now? July 3, 2009. I called his office because it's the only number I have. He was out on field work and never called back. I remember the date because it was my thirtieth birthday."
"Field work? What kind of field work? Was that when you guys were in the Arctic?" Bernadette addressed Howard.
"Yeah." Howard looked away.
"That's the one you said wasn't successful." Bernadette asked.
"Oh, Braden had mentioned that...Thanksgiving before last, I think. He works for Solidyn Solutions and overlaps with Caltech and the JPL frequently."
"Oh, Braden Tollman is your brother? He works on a lot of our prototype software." Howard said.
"Yeah, anyway. Braden's always had a little bit of hero worship over Sheldon's work and kept up with him. He was surprised Dr. Cooper would make such an error. Is that…do you think that's why he didn't call?"
After a moment of tense silence Howard cracked, "You don't know what it was like he was...deranged. It was all we could do to keep him from going absolutely crazy and us from killing him."
"Are you kidding me?" Bernadette shrieked.
Cera shushed them so as to not wake Merritt. "I know he's difficult, but half the time he can't help it. Even I have left him places, and taken a hiatus from associating with him, but please tell me you're exaggerating."
"I feel...terrible about it. We manipulated some readings with an electric can opener. He was excited, it calmed him…" Howard explained the whole ordeal, realizing it sounded like they were placating a hyperactive puppy.
Cera reach out and slapped him. "I get that his impulsiveness compounded the issue, but you guys did something highly immoral. Not just to Sheldon, but to your employers and the NSF and anyone else who funded you. Do you have any idea what it's like to have your life's work compromised by someone you care about and is supposed to care about you?"
Bernadette was shocked, and could hardly blame Cera's physical outburst. This didn't sound like the Howie she knew and loved. He was a man passionate about his work. "Seriously? That's the kind of crap people used to pull in grad school. Screwing with labs and undermining each other. It's the behavior of the idiots that couldn't actually do the work." Cera nodded in agreement with Bernadette, having seen the same thing in med school and her residency.
"I wouldn't say-" Howard tried to explain his relationship with Sheldon and how it was deserved, but he wasn't even fooling himself.
"I do know what it's like to have my career sabotaged. And as important as my work is to me, Sheldon's work is his life, and he is damn good at it. I've known, that is where his heart is, since he was a teenager. Do you know what happens when someone tampers with that? All of your work is then tainted by the incident. Your work- past, present, and future is put through the filter of your shortcoming. You even start questioning yourself, because your superiors and colleagues sure are. They are wondering if your head is really in the game or if you're gonna go off on another one of your flights of fancy. It makes it really hard to wake and go to work in the morning. And to know you didn't do it, just kills."
"I know, I know, we screwed up. And I can't fix that, now, but that's why Raj and I signed him…"Howard's answered died in his throat. Now he felt like he had tampered with a man with a family and not just his screwy acquaintance. He realized that the act of bringing Amy into the group might have complicated things.
"You and Raj did what Howie?"
"Raj and I…decided to do whatever we could to help Sheldon."
"With Amy?" Cera added.
"Uh, yeah. How did..?"
"She told me about the dating site. It's ok Howard. I never expected him to stay alone or be a monk." Cera rubbed her upper arms as though she were cold.
"Let's not get carried away. I mean he's still-"
Bernadette decided to save her fiancé from putting his other foot in his mouth. "What will you do now?"
"I have no idea. He seemed irritated with me this evening. I let him calm down and try again, I guess. Merritt deserves some sort of closure…even if she never knows about it."
"I'm still kind of curious. Why did you help Amy?"
"What?" Cera didn't recall helping Amy.
"If you love Sheldon, why did you give her advice about him last week?"
"Well…love…my love for Sheldon is a…dormant…sensation. I probably would have gotten over him, if not for Merritt. So I have no…expectations, no…delusions on that front. But the care I do have for him, is enough to want him happy. So I encouraged her to relate to him and try to find equal footing with him. I am also aware, if by some chance he chooses to have Merritt in his life, Amy will be in her life too. I want her to be kind and flexible with her. I imagine Amy is better for him anyway. Despite what I was and even more, what I wanted to be at the time, I am an expressive, emotional woman. Not everything I do is rooted in logic. Frequently I will do things because they do or do not feel right. Sheldon doesn't like that."
"Not to mention he's a bit of an ass. He can't even be decent to her. When he's around her, he's a jerk. When she comes up in conversation, he either has something nasty to say about her, or he's totally dismissive." Cera slumped at Howard's assertion.
"Howie!" Bernadette nodded her head toward Cera.
"He didn't say anything I didn't know or suspect. I knew things weren't going to be easy, I just don't know why he acts like the injured party. Like I'm the problem."
"What if Sheldon being a jerk, is because he feels like the injured party? What if…what if he's hurt?" Bernadette pondered.
"He'd actually have to care about something to hurt. Robots don't cry." Howard said, waving one of Merritt's actuators.
"Well, that's not entirely true. He loves his Meemaw and his mom. He worships Spock and his comic books, and his spot. He's passionate about his work. That doesn't sound like a robot. They shared something intimate and that affects people, whether they like it or not. Even if he did end it, it's at least affecting him now. Everybody can see he's…off."
"I don't know, Bernie. Don't you think you're stretching it a bit?" Howard was concerned Cera might assume too much from Bernadette's statement. He didn't want her to get hurt again. It wouldn't be good for her or Merritt.
"I just know, Cera said a little while ago, he once found whistling an effective method of communication. I assume that's who you were talking about anyway." Getting a nod from Howard she carried on. "According to you and the guys, for at least the last eight years he hunts down strangers, in public, to stop them from whistling. Isn't that a little odd?"
"Yeah, but Sheldon's always been odd." Howard said.
"Maybe that's just…an assumption you've made about him. A month ago, you wouldn't have guessed this either. Look, I'm not saying he gets a free pass for bad behavior, but I'm saying what if the behavior isn't what we think it is. I mean, look at how he was with you after your panic attack." Bernadette gestured to Cera.
"Maybe." was all Cera could muster. Her heart fluttered at this idea, but she couldn't give in to it. In all likelihood it wasn't actually Sheldon's desire to help. He was just being a gentleman and doing what he was 'supposed' to. Just like always.
The trio wrapped up their conversation and went their separate ways. The couple agreed to come see her band play over the weekend and Howard promised to return to help Merritt. Cera surprised herself with how much relief she felt at finally letting out her secrets. The fact that it was people that actually knew Sheldon made it even better. She knew she was going to have to force Sheldon into a meeting soon. But she felt like when she did now, there would be two people that could help them both.
Bernadette was glad Howard decided to follow her home. As they talked through the events of the evening she felt even closer to him than before. While she was severely disappointed in him for his antics while in the Arctic, she was impressed with his compassionate handling of Cera. He was being a good guy and trying to help a single mom. His confession that the situation reminded him of his mother, just made her feel more deeply for him. Now if only she could get Howard to tell his mother about their engagement.