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More than a woman
Chapter 2: How deep is your love?
'May I come in?', CC asked, lowly.
Her head was tilted and the face, serious.
Her arms were open, the hands touching the doorframes.
The red coat turning her into that impressive figure everybody recognized.
In any other situation, Niles would have read her posture as suspicious: as if she was a cat with the paws securely supported on something, making sure it was all right with being seen, but that no one was obliging it to enter a place it didn't want to.
But tonight – maybe because that was what he craved for – he looked at CC Babcock and all he found was that she was being clear, cautious and delicate.
He was taken aback by the fact that cat, usually wild, had come to be open and offer something of herself to him, caring to do it without any trace of belligerence.
In fact, it was quite the contrary: she was at his door because she wanted to. She was asking to enter his room because she wanted to.
Was it possible that she had changed her mind about what she wanted?
Aware of the strong possibility that he was just deluding himself again, Niles went aside silently to make room for CC to enter and closed the door behind her kind of in automatic, not knowing what to do of the situation.
She walked to the middle of the room and took a long look around.
It seemed she was eager to finally see his part of the house, and took her time glancing at the walls, the writing table, the open bag on the bed.
Everything he thought she would never see, because she couldn't care less.
Niles just waited, the moment suspended.
His heart could not decide what to feel, yet, divided between his fear of a new ugly moment of torment and rejection, and the joy and excitement that always invaded him when she approached him of her own volition.
When she turned to him, it was in a graceful twirl, 'You're quiet', she commented with a gleam in her eyes, 'Are you not surprised that I decided to come?'
'Not really', he spoke before he could stop himself, 'I think a have a radar for your bad omen'.
The gleam intensified.
'Oh, Niles', now she grinned, 'Always charming'.
Their eyes locked.
Hers were openly affectionate, when she spoke again, 'I'm going to miss you'.
Niles froze, stricken.
Reality hit him.
She was there.
In his room.
Alone with him after he had declared his feelings for her.
With that mischievous face.
Saying those fond words.
He had been thinking of how lost he felt without her, and she had appeared at his door, and now that she had clearly said she had positive… thoughts about him, it brought back that feeling of synchronicity he had about them.
Niles joined his hands in front of him and stayed looking at her, silent yet, but this time because his heart had decided all the emotions belonged to the moment, and it was hard to deal with such an overwhelm.
CC kept looking at his face.
And she obviously saw it all.
His surprise at her agreeable presence.
His longing for what they shared.
His hope that something had changed.
His pain at the small chance it really had.
She smiled sadly, moved by his feelings.
It was too much to him.
Niles pleaded, 'Miss Babcock...'
'Yes?'
He licked his lips, confused by her softness and afraid of the things he wanted to say to her.
What was it he wanted to say to her?
What was it he could say to her?
Should he say how sorry he was about telling her those harsh things when he did?
Should he explain he had decided to propose, instead of speaking of his love for her, because he always pondered she knew about it, and the point about them was how to enter in a serious relationship, not why?
But what really mattered that she knew he regretted his approach, if she was obviously not interested in being with him?
And what really mattered that she heard him saying he loved her, if she couldn't take his marriage proposals seriously?
It would just be a pleading.
And, if CC Babcock had to be convinced that they belonged together, Niles thought it was for the better that he just let her free to go on with her life, while he tried to pick the pieces of his and find what to do with what had remained.
It was already hurting just to think of sending her away when she had come to see him, but it seemed to be the right thing to do.
Niles sighed and looked away, his braveness leaving him, as it had done so many times through the years.
He decided to say something that could provide a quick way to finish their encounter, 'I hope you didn't come here to brag, because...'
His voice faltered.
He gulped. Obviously, he didn't cry in front of her there in the stairs, but it seemed he would, now that he had the chance of putting an end to the situation and defending his honor one last time...
Damn.
The words one last time put him on the verge of despair.
He could feel his shoulders dropping and his eyes not able to look anywhere but at the blur of his joined hands.
He breathed deeply and decided to summarize his feelings, 'If this is the case, it's better if you just go, because I don't think I can take it'.
It took the blonde a moment to react, as if she hadn't expected him to be so sincere.
Or so hurt.
She gave a step forward and spoke in an emphatic tone, 'No'.
He still didn't look at her. He was bracing himself for the worst, once she probably would say she was not going away until she did what she came for, and probably what she came for was exactly bragging.
'No what?', he asked, tiredly.
Again, she took a moment to answer, as if she expected him to look at her before she did.
Giving up the wait, she spoke, 'I didn't come here to brag. I came here to clarify things'.
He risked a glance at her.
Detecting again that open expression didn't make things easier for him.
Niles decided to keep his stance, 'If by clarifying you mean telling me you don't have any good feelings towards me, you don't need to. I already got it'.
Then, the roles reversed.
CC whispered, her voice showing vulnerability, 'What I came to tell you couldn't be more different from that'.
Niles felt immediately calmer at her gentleness.
He didn't feel the need to avert his eyes anymore.
Seemingly taking strength from his trust in her, she resumed, 'I came to tell you the real reason why we can't be together'.
He raised his brows.
She waved a hand, 'No, I'm not talking about this bullshit of me not feeling anything for a servant. We both know I'm not indifferent to you, and that you became way more than a pesky and nosy and insufferable servant to me, through the years'.
He felt warmed by her words.
That was a lot more than he ever hoped to hear from her.
'What is more than a servant?', Niles moved his shoulders, not quite capable of suppressing the thrill of teasing her, 'A slave?'
She smirked, 'Isn't the notion lovely?'
Niles smiled, not trusting himself to answer to that.
Her eyes were saying things he had been wishing to hear for years.
He must be hallucinating.
To break the moment, he shook his head and played the gentle host, 'Please, let's get comfortable. I have the feeling that it won't be easy'.
'Quite different from you, Butler Boy'.
He turned, again avoiding looking directly at her.
This time, because the words he always heard as a mix of demeaning and endearment had sounded stupidly clear as endearment.
That surge of hope that insisted on warming his chest was back, because her words just made sense as endearment if she had been fighting the same desire he had, and hiding it the same way – through zingers.
And, if it was true, it meant Niles had been right all along, and she reciprocated his feelings.
Quickly taking a decision, the butler walked to the comfortable armchair he had at a corner of his room, close to his writing table, and brought it to the side of his bed.
He positioned the chair and gestured for CC to occupy it.
She nodded, but raised a finger, 'Would you mind to turn off the main lights?'
He blinked, initially surprised, but then understanding she wanted the feeling of intimacy lower lights could provide, 'Sure'.
He moved to do what she had asked, leaving just the bedside lamp he had on as source of light.
When he turned to her, she had already sat on the armchair, facing the bed.
Niles smiled. It was nice of her to create an atmosphere for whatever she had to say.
He walked, passing by her, and sat on the bed, so they would be facing each other, she a bit higher than him because of the armchair.
He regretted the disposition almost immediately.
It was not just that he was looking up, his choice of place for her making obvious he wished to put her in an elevated position, so he could adore her.
No, there was something worse than that.
Their profiles were illuminated just by the bedside lamp, and Niles thought CC Babcock had never been so beautiful as she was right now, with his lamp throwing a delicate light on the right side of her face and making her seem the living image of what he most loved in her: the fact she had both a dark and a light side.
She was special and unique because of it, he loved her because of it, and being capable of seeing her like that was like seeing her soul exposed just to him…
… exactly when he had been in the depths of despair at the idea of loosing her forever.
Again, noticing his emotional turmoil, CC brought the chair closer to the bed and sat on the edge.
Now their knees were touching.
Niles had his hands on his thighs, and looked at the position she had chosen, sensing how intimate it was, and stricken again by the fact she was moving towards him, after all they had gone through in the last days.
After all he had said to her tonight.
She inclined towards him and reached out for his hands.
They stayed in silence and in contact, hands joined, eyes locked.
He could barely breath.
He had hoped she would do something like this for years; he had wished they could touch, hold hands, embrace, do anything nice and sweet without fearing ridicule and rejection from her, and now here she was, when he thought everything was lost, coming to him.
And postponing the moment to explain why everything was lost.
Again, it was too much to him.
'Miss Babcock...', he whispered, hoping she could understand without he had to say it.
'I know'.
Of course she knew.
Of course she felt the same.
CC spoke and leaned even more towards Niles.
She let go of his hands and lifted hers to the sides of his face.
And brought her lips to his.
Niles felt like he would burst.
It was as good as he remembered and, in fact, even better.
It started delicate, and then quickly turned into the intimate easy joining he had guessed it would be when they were sober and willing.
When they parted, CC let her hands on his cheeks and rested her forehead on his, 'I'm so sorry...', she sighed, 'You'll hate me even more for this'.
'I don't hate you', he moved his head to touch her lips with his softly and make sure she heard him and felt how sincere he was.
'Yes, you do', she kissed him back, 'You must', more kisses, 'Please, Niles, believe me', she pecked him again, 'It will be better that you do'.
He took her hands in his and kissed them, 'I doubt you have any thing to tell me that will make this feeling of belonging go away'.
She lowered her eyes for a moment, then looked back at his face, 'When I tell you what I came to, I'm sure you'll change your mind about being with me. I'm prepared for this'.
He opened his mouth, but she put her lips on his to shush him.
He sighed.
She moaned at the electrical sensation the touch and his heartfelt sigh provoked in her.
They caressed each other's lips for a while, relaxing in a new round of kisses.
When they parted again, CC's hands went to Niles' shoulders, and her eyes stayed looking tenderly at his face.
They were so comfortable with each other it hurt.
He caressed her hair, confused, 'I thought you didn't feel the same'.
She was slightly offended, 'What do you take me for? You really thought I was the Ice Queen?'
'I really thought you were my Ice Queen', he frowned slightly, 'And then you made me believe I was wrong'.
He spoke and stayed staring into her eyes.
Finally being exposed to how Niles felt at the thought that his love was unrequited was too much to CC.
She threw herself at him, tumbling over him in the bed and smashing her lips against his hungrily.
His arms went around her waist to bring her closer to him, and she knew it meant he wanted her with him forever.
She messed with his hair, and he knew she was doing it to feel like he was hers and she could do whatever she wanted with him.
When she broke the kiss, she pushed him with both hands to his chest, forcing him to stay lying on his back.
'I'm sorry', she said again, flustered, 'This is wrong'.
She spoke and lowered her head to kiss him one more time.
When she raised her head again, it was like they were not able to really part: his hands were over hers, on his chest, their eyes locked.
Niles glared, 'Don't you dare calling wrong the most wonderful thing I have ever felt, witch'.
'Oh, Niles...', CC said, her voice full of endearment, kissing him again, 'How I wished it could be... That we could be...'
'I've told you nothing can change how I feel', his hands went to the small of her back in a caress, 'I've tried to suppress it, but not even years of fighting and demeaning couldn't do the trick', he lowered his voice, 'The words of a witch are powerful, but I doubt whatever curse you have to deliver can break this good spell'.
She closed her eyes and relaxed her body on top of his, her nose on the side of his head, breathing in his scent and not answering.
As much as Niles was enjoying the moment, he knew she was gathering strength to speak, and he intended to help her.
He turned his head to kiss her forehead, 'Is it that you're a vampire, and has a huge track record of victims corrupted and murdered?', his voice was full of fondness, 'If this is it, I wouldn't mind that much. It would be nice to know I have been right all those years, in fact'.
She chuckled, holding him tighter, 'Dear God, I'm really going to miss you!'
'You don't have to', he quietly contradicted.
CC raised her head and gave him a sad smile, 'You were right about a lot of things you have told me through the years, but not about that. I'm not really a vampire'.
'Aw', he pretended to be disappointed.
CC kissed him tenderly, then pressed her lips together, nervous, 'But what I am it's nothing easy to... accept, either'.
He touched her face with his fingertips, 'Just tell me, then, so we can work it out together'.
'That's why I came here, isn't it?', she blinked and quickly corrected herself, 'To tell you'.
He smiled at her, 'You may think I'm lazy, Babcock, but I don't care what I have to do to mend whatever you have to share with me', he turned serious, 'I asked you to accept me because I know I can make you happy', his eyes turned a deeper shade of blue, 'And I'll do anything to make it happen'.
She kept looking at him, touched by his offering.
Finally taking a decision, CC kissed Niles again, softly, and get off of him.
She went back to the chair, tidying up her clothes and hair the best she could.
He did the same, sitting again at the edge of his bed.
It was as if, in synch, they were preparing for the next step.