Really, people: you are amazing!
The first two chapters served to establish where our favorite couple is, in terms of their feelings for each other.
In this one, we have the revelation – and then you can choose if you want to keep on reading or not.
Hugs to everyone!
More than a woman
Chapter 3: Alone
When she considered herself somewhat satisfied with her appearance, CC joined her hands on her lap and adopted a formal tone, 'Niles, I don't know if the family have told you already, but I have resigned'.
He had to concentrate to understand what she was saying – it was proving difficult with the high he still had from her kisses and how adorable he found her acting all formal while slightly disheveled.
'No, they haven't', he cleared his throat, focusing, 'When was it?'
'Soon after you exited the main room, after we... you know'.
He nodded, agreeing silently that scene was not worth their attention now, 'Why did you do that?'
'Because I realized you were right', she shrugged, 'I have to face the truth and move on'.
Niles contained an urge to speak.
CC shook her head, 'I have been living a lie for decades...'
He pressed his lips together.
She went on, 'It's time to put an end to it'.
'I suppose you mean your feelings for Mister Sheffield'.
He sighed at his own inability to keep quiet.
'What?', she frowned, then got it, 'No, I'm not talking about Maxwell', her voice showed conviction, 'There is a another big fat lie in my life that is not related to him'.
Niles opened his mouth again.
CC cut him off, 'If you're thinking of asking if I mean my big fat ass, the answer is no', she raised a brow, 'because that is not a lie'.
She spoke and smirked.
He gave her his loapsided grin, proud of her taking the idea of a zinger lightly.
'Wipe off that smile', she ordered, pointing at his face and smiling herself.
'Why? You amuse me', he took her wavering hand playfully.
'Because I intend to tell you my ultimate secret', she moved her hand on his, in contemplation at the joining, 'and it's something really difficult for me'.
'Don't tell me my smile does not sooth you!', he said with fake offense, looking at her face, that had softened at the sight of their hands together.
'When you smile like that I can't concentrate', CC crunched her nose and looked at him, 'Or you think I have lost so many arguments to you because I'm dumb?'
'No, of course not', Niles had an adoring look on his face, 'You're the most brilliant woman I know'.
'Stop it, Hazel, please', she went forward to touch lips again.
He leaned towards her, eager for the contact.
They kissed amorously.
It was obvious they had to get close as much as they could, even if it was not coherent with the idea that they were just preparing to part ways soon.
Maybe because of that, in fact.
CC leaned a bit back and whispered, 'I must tell you my tale the quickest I can. You won't have to face me more than the time necessary to understand the situation and open the door for me to disappear from your life forever'.
Niles kissed her hand in a gentlemanly gesture they had discovered both enjoyed a lot.
Maybe it was the tenderness in it.
Maybe it was the intimacy.
Maybe it was the result of years suppressing the desire of paying homage to her.
Maybe it was the result of years suppressing the desire to reach out for him.
'I wonder what can be so horrible you'll have to run away as soon as you tell me, or that will make me want to open the door and simply see you out', he raised his other hand to cover hers, 'It can't be worse than some things I already know you did, like forgetting your dog in taxis or pushing Miss Fine in front of a bus'.
'It's not related to my evil persona. It's another kind of horrible', she said, rubbing her thumb on his hand while looking at it, 'One that changes everything'.
He just tilted his head, confused.
'And that is why I'm going away once I have told you', she resumed, 'You're worth knowing the truth, and worth never having to see me again after you know it, because you'll probably feel like I have lied to you for all those years'.
'You're scaring me, witch', Niles frowned deeply, 'You've never told me before I was worth anything'.
CC chuckled affectionately at him, feeling better at his zinger, 'Sorry for that'.
'For what, kiddo?'
Her throat constricted at the endearment in his tender voice.
CC never thought she would feel so cherished in her life.
And, most of all, she had never thought she would see such care in Niles' eyes.
She let her own feelings pour in her voice, 'For never telling you how I felt', she smiled sincerely, 'and for postponing this revelation'.
'I can't say I mind the postponing part, once it is keeping us together a bit more', he moved his hand on hers, enlacing their fingers, 'About never telling me anything', he looked in her eyes, 'We were both to blame'.
She looked at their hands, basking in how perfectly they fit.
She got agitated, let go of his hand and went further back in the armchair, 'I must make it quick'.
Understanding she had to gather her courage, Niles nodded and kept silent, trying to convey support through his eyes.
The moment of truth had arrived, and he wanted to be there for her.
Thankful for his understanding, CC smiled nervously, preparing to unveil herself.
She licked her lips and averted her gaze.
Then, she rested her hands on her knees.
Niles followed every move of hers closely, in respectful silence.
When she felt ready, she breathed deeply and started, in a low and steady voice.
'People know my parents divorced when I was very young, but I never told anyone that I was the reason they did'.
Niles almost spoke, saying it was an absurd that she took in her shoulders such a responsibility, but she noticed his reaction and raised a hand for him to wait.
'Yes, I know they had never been deliriously happy, just a reasonably well adjusted couple, like the ones you see mingling in fancy parties and fighting boredom in private clubs', she lowered her hand, seeing he was appeased, 'They were so well adjusted, in fact, that they had a son and a daughter, and had decided their perfect standard family was complete', she let out a deep sigh, 'However, by accident, my mother got pregnant again'.
Her eyes gained the cold touch of an old pain, and Niles fought the urge to hold her hands in support.
'She considered it a huge annoyance. She had already planned a life without any pestering babies around, but my father was all right with the idea of having another child, so he insisted for her to not interrupt the pregnancy'.
Niles moved in the bed, clenching his hands at the thought of the terrible mother who could have kept the woman he loved from existing for such an egoistical reason.
'I was born and, to her utter dejection, I was different from other babies'.
There was a moment of silence.
'The doctors could not say if I was a boy or a girl – I seemed to be both'.
CC spoke and averted her eyes from Niles' face, quickly.
She didn't want to see his reaction, yet.
She resumed speaking, her voice gaining a businesslike inflection.
'There were crying and recriminations and really ugly scenes between my parents. My mother was convicted I should be given to adoption or anything that would provide I disappeared, but my father was against it. She just got convinced things could work out when she had the idea of registering me as a girl and, in the right time, find a surgery that could make me normal. She supposed it would be more practical to make a surgery to cut an organ, in the future, than to close one and, because of this very reasonable idea of how my entire sexuality should be defined, they reached an agreement'.
CC breathed deeply before going on, her eyes lingering for a moment on Niles' open bag.
The sight didn't go well to her, so she raised them to some point over his left shoulder.
Everything to not look directly at him.
'As soon as we were out of the hospital, my mother started visiting all the doctors the money could afford, in order to operate me as soon as possible. She considered me a shame, and she would take me to clinics, usually abroad, so local society didn't get a word about my condition, hoping some discreet specialist would do things without unnecessary fussing and no publicity', her eyes got clouded, 'At some point my father decided to stop her, because she was neglecting their other children more than usual, he thought it was cruel to force me to bear doctors poking at me when I was healthy, and he couldn't really trust some of the professionals she was considering', she forced her shoulders to relax, 'My mother got furious, they divorced, and some aspects of my life were settled through lawyers: my father made sure I had the same financial rights and assistances of my siblings, and my mother signed a document compromising in not putting me to any cosmetic surgery while I was still a minor and could not choose for myself. Besides that, he turned Bobo, my nanny, in a constant in my life, keeping her with me until I went to board school, and scheduled long visits with my grandmother regularly. It's from them that I've heard all I'm telling you, by the way'.
CC licked her lips, her eyes lowering to her hands, now.
'My mother dealt with things the best she could, in order to minimize the danger of a scandal: she insisted I behaved extra perfect, as a good lady. The result was that I was raised under the constant notion that I was abnormal and could never be spontaneous, or people would see through my pretense of being a real girl. Even when I was sent to board school, I was constantly under her vigilance, so I wouldn't bring any shame to the name of the family', she grinded her teeth, 'A family she was not even a part of, anymore'.
She licked her lips to gain a moment and calm herself.
'With the years gone by, I luckily grew identifying as a woman – what made my mother's guess a blessing and avoided legal complications. However, I still had both external sexual organs, both growing, maturing and fully functional, and it made for terribly awkward conversations with my mother and very strict rules for dating', her face twisted in sorrow, 'What I would discover to be very useful, if I wanted to maintain my self confidence and image intact'.
Another big sigh.
'Father and mother stopped talking about it – in fact, they stopped talking to each other altogether –, and Noel was the only one to assess the subject, joking about his baby sister being more than a man than himself…'
She smiled in fondness at the thought of her playful brother.
Her voice turned more animated, 'I hope it explains some things about me and my behavior', she counted on her fingers, 'How disturbed and annoyed I felt next to super females like Nanny Fine, who reminded me of my own identity struggles and the society standards for being an attractive woman; how I had to try to prove to the world I could seduce a righteous man like Maxwell, and my really weak attempts at it, once I feared he would be terrified if he discovered the truth about me; why I preferred to go in a date with Fred, the pharmacist, than tell Nanny Fine what I had gone to buy in that drugstore – ops, I think you didn't know about that', she shrugged, 'And, of course, why I spent so much money and time in therapy – bless Bort with her neverending patience for my dilemmas…'
CC looked around, obviously choosing her next words carefully.
'And, finally, why I spent so much time around plastic surgeons'.
She stayed silent for a moment.
It was obviously a hard topic.
'I have been on the verge of accepting to do a surgery more than once, and ended up giving up the idea just when I realized I didn't reject any part of my own body, as my mother tried to teach me to do'.
A new silence.
Her lower lip being munched in undeniable tension.
'And I hope it explains why I never managed to be in any relationship for longer than one or two months, so afraid I was the guy would think I had been lying about being a woman', her voice trembled a bit, 'The few times I went for honest relationships with men who insisted on being with me and were not being paid to do so, I tried to smother them with attention and fake sweetness, in hopes I could compensate for the fact they would think of me as not really a female when we got intimate – what ended up not happening, because I scared them with my out of character submission'.
CC looked around the room, breathed deeply and, suddenly, there was a shift.
She was going to enter a new topic and, whatever it was, it made her nerves visibly melt.
'Most of all, I hope now you understand why I was so shocked when you started throwing jabs at me for not being a real woman. I could not even really answer back for some time – it was like you knew there was something different about me, but couldn't point it out exactly what it was', she licked her lips, 'It gave me mixed feelings: I was certain you would have the day of your life when you discovered the truth and, at the same time, I felt oddly tuned to you by the fact it felt like you already knew and had decided to stick around'.
CC flinched – she had just hinted that her most heartfelt fantasy was that Niles already knew and had accepted her for what she was.
She hoped he didn't take her words as a pleading.
She would never plead him to stay with her – she liked him too much to take advantage of his feelings.
She summoned all her bravery and looked into his eyes, 'With therapy, the years gone by and that unforgettable staying in The Place, I learned that I can't and don't have to change my body or follow any gender models to be accepted. I learned to live with the fact I'll never fit the exact female figure society considers the only successful possibility, and decided the only thing that mattered was to be honest with myself and my own desires', she raised her chin, 'I stopped minding your comments over me because the teasing proved you noticed me and didn't run away at the feeling I was different. In fact, with time, I felt pulled towards you and the kind of understanding we had'.
Their eyes were locked.
She went on speaking.
'Of course, no matter how sure I got of my own self, it didn't mean I was prepared for your proposals. I had struggled for years with my attraction to you, always thinking of my horrible track record with relationships and some deep insecurities related to what was socially acceptable. I couldn't deal with the notion of things changing between us – specially not when it seemed we had finally managed to understand each other a bit better and accept we could express positive feelings and get closer from time to time, as it had been happening for the last years'.
Her eyes softened and she went on with a steady but low voice, as she had started.
'I came here to clarify things because my bad reactions at you in the last days were not related to the propositions themselves, but to the fact they meant you really didn't get how anything between us is, in fact, impossible. When you proposed you destroyed my absurd hope that you already knew', she sighed, 'I had to tell you I was hurt and furious and panicking at the thought I was loosing what we had every time you obliged me to reject a serious relationship with you. I wanted you to know that there is no one else with whom I would want to risk believing in love and marriage but you, if the circumstances were different'.
She ended her speaking and stayed silent.
Her eyes still locked with his.
'Well, I've told you. Mission accomplished'.
CC adjusted her body in the armchair, a bit more relaxed, and waited for Niles' reaction.
He blinked at her, his eyes never wandering from her face.
She had expected him to get revolted, repulsed, confused, furious, disappointed.
She had got all of those reactions from men, before.
However, he just stayed looking at her, as if he was assessing how she felt, not how he felt after what she had said.
It occurred to her that he probably was looking for some way to get rid of her without hurting her too much.
She knew he was a good man, and the fact they were an impossibility must hurt him as much as it hurt her.
She decided to give him a way out, and spoke in a forced nonchalant tone, 'Do you have something to ask or should I just go away, now?'
Niles blinked again, this time in surprise.
He frowned in concentration, raised a hand and spoke slowly, 'Your secret is that…', his eyes flickered quickly to her body before getting back to her face, '…you're an hermaphrodite?'
She got nervous by his intrigued and calm attitude, 'Uhm... Yes'.
He nodded in understanding, joining his hands on his lap quite similarly to a good student going through a challenging subject, 'But you are legally a woman, if I understand correctly'.
'Yes'.
'And you feel like an heterosexual one, in the sense that you identify as a woman who feels attracted to men – to me, currently'.
CC was a bit taken aback – it seemed she had seen the shadow of a smile dancing in his eyes.
But it couldn't be.
'Yes', she finally answered.
Niles nodded again, and tilted his head, intrigued, 'Then, why can't you marry me?'
CC opened her mouth in shock – hadn't he heard a word of what she had just said?
When she found her voice, she couldn't suppress her impatience, 'For God' sake, Niles! I just told you I have a penis and you're talking about marriage?!'
He shrugged, 'It still doesn't make any sense to me that we can't be together. I mean, you're the same person I've known and cherished for twenty years. Why would I have a change of heart because you told me something about your body?'
It was her time to stay looking at him, blinking and at a lack of words.
No man had ever considered the situation like that.
The few ones to whom she had revealed herself had acted in something among outrage, fright and pity – things that had destroyed any possibility of a healthy and satisfying relationship.
She didn't even know what to do with this brand new reaction.
'Of course', Niles pondered at her lost expression, 'it is always possible that you're making out a story to justify yourself, for some sick reason'.
CC felt her face redden with anger, her hands grabbing the arms of the chair while she hissed at him, 'I've trusted you with my most guarded secret and you think I could have made it out?!'
'Calm down, Babcock', Niles said, and then he dropped his voice an octave, 'With everything we've gone through together, it would be natural that I'd require some… evidence of what you're saying'.
She glared at him, not understanding.
He went on, 'Some exams would suffice if we had a doctor available to explain them to me, but I think we don't have time for it, once we both plan on leaving forever by the morning'.
She stayed looking at him, still not getting exactly what he meant.
Then she saw that flicker of a smile and it dawned on her.
He was bringing lightness to the situation.
And asking her, in the playful and challenging way that always worked out for them, to show herself to him.
Her face showed utter surprise, 'You want to see me naked?'
He licked his lips and sustained her glance, 'Wouldn't it be the easier path to clarify things, as you wished to?'
She hesitated, lost at the novelty of it, 'Usual reaction from men is not very welcoming...'
'I would like to form my own opinion', he chided lightly, 'And I just can do it if you decide to show me what you've got'.
'It's not poker, Niles'.
'Then stop acting as if you're bluffing'.
CC's face turned into one of comical shock.
Really, that was unbelievable.
She was ready to explain to him how much of an absurd idea it was that they were even discussing the possibility of her taking off her clothes in front of him, when it hit her.
Why the hell not?