On the reviews: wow, people.
Wow!
About your suggestions and doubts: I've made some research, before I started writing this, and I'll try to keep the story as accurate as I can, giving details while things develop.
I don't want to spoil anything, dear reviewers, but we think quite alike.
More than a woman
Chapter 9: You win again – Part 3
CC's question made Niles freeze.
When he moved, was to look into her eyes and ask in a strangled voice, 'What?'
She flinched, 'Don't get upset. I just...', she looked for the words, didn't find them, ruffed and started separating her body from his, 'Forget it'.
'Wait', he said, keeping his legs around her waist and resting his hands on her forearms, 'I'm not upset', he spoke softly, 'Just confused'.
Feeling his need of her closeness and her own desire to stay in his arms to keep the conversation going, CC nodded and waited for what he had to say.
Pacified by her decision, Niles caressed her arms, 'Tell me: what makes you think I'm gay?'
'Isn't it obvious?', she raised her brows.
'No, it's not', he glared, 'And I sincerely hope it's not my profession, because that would be really disappointing coming from a woman with your profession'.
She frowned, 'No, it has nothing to do with that'.
'So?'
She licked her lips, summoning the courage to talk about it, 'It's the way you don't bait an eye when you look at me... It's how you don't mind touching me at all… I've never met a straight man who reacted to me with anything much different from shock', she lowered her eyes for a moment, but brought them back to his, 'And it was followed by repugnance and some harsh words, in most cases'.
Understanding what she meant, Niles nodded.
She went on, 'I have been asking myself about your reaction since the first moment, but so many great things happened that it didn't feel right to mention it. But then you got aroused when I touched your back, and then you were so hard while having me between your legs, and I couldn't refrain from asking', CC got tense, 'I hope you're not angry'.
He smiled at her, 'No, kiddo, of course I'm not angry', he caressed her hair, putting a lock behind her ear, 'I just thought the answer to this question would be obvious to you, by now'.
She was confused, 'How?'
'I'm here with you'.
CC got agitated, 'Does it mean you are gay, and having sex with a person who has a penis is not a problem to you? Or it means you're not, and you see me as a woman with an extra body part you decided you will make the best of, once there is nothing you can do to get rid of it?'
Niles made a face, 'Dear, what a way to talk about yourself!'
CC pursed her lips, 'Yeah, I still demean myself from time to time, I know, but let's get back to the subject, here: what is it with your easy relationship with my body?'
Niles opened his mouth to zinger her saying something about who was the easy one in their relationship, but changed his mind at her serious expression.
He looked at CC, in silence, for some time.
She knew he had realized how important to her the moment had become, sensed he was taking a decision, and decided to wait.
Finally, he spoke, 'I understand your confusion. It's better I try to explain how I feel about it all', he shrugged, 'I was the one who proposed seemingly out of the blue, anyway, and you came back to amend everything by telling me your most guarded secret'.
'You talk as if you were in debt with me'.
'I am, and will be forever', he smiled softly at her, 'Telling the truth about how I see our situation is the least I can do, after all you've done for us'.
CC smiled back and started moving to give him space – she guessed he would want to get comfortable to have this conversation.
However, Niles stopped her again, not lowering his legs and resting his palms on the sides of her shoulders.
She read the unspoken Stay with me in his eyes and body language.
She lowered her head to kiss him and signal she was not going anywhere. He relaxed his legs, planting his feet by the sides of her legs, and she rested her forearms on the bed, at the sides of his head, and stayed there, looking down at his face and ready to hear whatever he had to say.
She felt good at supporting him as he had done for her: he had listened to her story, asked questions and expressed his feelings through carefully chosen words and gestures, putting her at easy in many moments. Now it was her turn to show him she wanted to hear and understand his motivations.
CC had wished she knew more about Niles, and she had just told him their life together would bring new and important questions. It made sense she would give him the opportunity to explain things to her.
Thankful for her decision to stay and visibly calmer by her closeness, he started, 'I had lots of opportunities to experiment with sex, through life. Serving a wealthy family with connections and a busy social life put me in the place to receive sexual invitations of all type, once some people think servants are at their disposal for anything their fancy can conjure. Then, when Mister Sheffield started his contact with theater and art's people, who are generally more liberal in their sexual ideas and wish to be free to express themselves, I was at the receiver's end of some interest, again. However, none of the offers made like that, just for brief amusement, moved me'.
CC nodded, signaling she was following him.
'I don't speak often about it, but I lived in an artistic suburb in London for some months, in my only real attempt to not being a butler, and there I got new invitations to, let's say, have an alternative lifestyle, what included open relationships and some proposals from gay men, too. I always declined from all invitations, because I was really focused on making a life on my own, and I believed bonds of any kind would distract me from a path I considered a challenge and a question of honor. The short amount of time I intended to be there, anyway, wouldn't permit me to establish deep personal connections. I just wanted to save some money as a street artist and look for a job as a barrister, and romantic trysts were the last thing on my mind, after the huge fight I had faced with my own family and the Sheffield's'.
CC nodded again.
'You must remember it was the late seventies, and things were really different from today, with homosexuals enjoying some media acceptation if they agreed on being exotic and funny; in reality, everybody was still terrified to be outed, and of the consequences it could bring to one's family life, for example. I refused all invitations, from men included, not because I hated gay people or because the idea of a male body close to mine in a bed disgusted me terribly: I just decided the moment was not for that. Besides, I had no doubts I identified as mostly straight – independent and intelligent women had always been greatly interesting and arousing to me, and I had met some remarkable ones through life', CC smirked at that, 'It made me think that having gay experiences for a while, as if it was a choice and a brief source of amusement, would be disrespectful to everybody who struggled daily to be who they were. So, I refused the offers with my sincerest thanks and went on with my life without giving much thought to the matter'.
CC had her mouth hanging open, and Niles stopped his narrative, afraid he had offended her somehow.
She shook her head, 'I'm impressed by how open minded you are. It's not everybody who would discuss so calmly the possibility of having an homosexual experience. I've heard terrible things just at the mention of bisexuality, in some circles', he raised his eyebrows at her bringing such subjects, and she clarified, 'Sometimes I would say things, just to see how people would react and, well, things often got ugly'.
Niles understood her point, 'I have felt like a victim of misconceptions all of my life – I was raised with the idea that butlers should know their place, and that I was forbidden of ever trying to be anything but a servant. It was slammed into my head since I was very young, but I couldn't help but feeling that something was wrong with it'.
CC rested her hands on his cheeks and kissed him amorously.
It was a plead for forgiveness – she had mocked him for being a butler for years, almost destroying his self-esteem, never thinking he had his own struggles and questions.
He accepted her kiss, closing his eyes in pleasure at her understanding.
'I've said some awful things to you', she whispered when they parted.
'It's all in the past, now', he answered sincerely, 'I'm just telling you this so you can understand why I could easily sympathize with people who are seen as not deserving the same respect as everybody else'.
She nodded, a knot in her throat.
Niles spoke in her silence, 'The only difference was that I felt like I could change who I was by not being a butler, anymore, while no one can change who they desire', he smiled, 'Not that they should – specially if the point is gender'.
CC smiled too – both knew their situation was a great example of how you really don't choose who you desire, how illogical and difficult it had appeared to be while she treated it as a question of gender, and how unpredictably right it turned out to feel.
He resumed his tale, 'Well, when my attempt at a new career didn't go as planned – and I'm not talking about that now – I decided to accept Mister Sheffield's offer to come to America and start it all over again'.
She grinned, 'And that was when you did your part for our paths to cross'.
Niles stayed silent, just looking at her, his mouth slightly open.
It was CC's time to realize her words had hit something in him, and she made a pacifying gesture with her hands, 'I'm sorry, I won't interrupt again with out-of-place sugary'.
He smiled affectionately, 'Your sweet words are never unwanted'.
'I know, but now I need answers, honey', she winked at him, 'Let's focus on that'.
He grinned, not able to not react to her endearment, cleared his throat and resumed again, 'Being a good and traditional butler means, most times, to marry someone who works with you, to not mess with the arrangements of the household. My own parents had met while in service, and I believed I would end up doing the same. I felt, at least once, that I had met a fellow colleague with whom a should settle', he smiled at CC rolling her eyes, 'However, I could not make up my mind – there was something lacking. So, the opportunity passed me by, and I decided that, if I was going to be a lonely servant for the rest of my life, I would do the most of it'.
Niles expected CC to tease him at the mention of doing something worth of his job, but it seemed they had that point really solved: her eyes showed she considered his decision as dignified as it was intended to be. Maybe she understood he had done the best he could under the circumstances, or maybe putting effort on a career resonated in her own life choices, but the fact was that now she clearly approved of him.
'Once I had given up a life of my own to be with the family, I worked hard to gain their respect, recognition and admiration. I must say I achieved those things easily, with the late Mrs Sheffield liking me and often asking for advise, and with Mister Sheffield himself acting as a younger brother who needed support in the most difficult moments. I got used to have everybody doing exactly what I wanted them to, and that it was for their own good. I had decided to be a protagonist, on my own terms, and I felt like I had made it'.
Again, she agreed with him silently.
'That's why, when you appeared at the front door and treated me as a plain servant, I couldn't take it', Niles held CC's hand in his, 'I didn't know why it bothered me so much, but I had to stay around to prove I was way more than you had realized at first sight, and I got crazy when it didn't work immediately and you kept ignoring me', he kissed her knuckles, 'Your indifference shook my world and put me in motion in a way no one had ever been able to, before. I had to do something. So, I teased you until you really paid attention'.
Her face showed surprise, 'That was why it all started? Because you couldn't stand being just a butler to me?'
He made a painful face of agreement.
'Now it makes sense...', CC had an expression of awe, 'The need for the upper hand... The ready comments on details of my life I thought no one had noticed... The way you always seemed to know everything about me... How it mattered to you that I knew everything that was going on and was aware of what you thought about every subject…'
She kept looking at him, mouth open, and he asked tentatively, 'What? No good?'
CC opened a huge grin, 'Too good! We were each other's challenge all the time!', she pecked his lips joyfully, 'I had noticed you and that you made the biggest efforts to show me how impressive you were, and I found it confusing, in the beginning. I didn't know why you thought my opinion was so important. I pretended not to notice, and it just made you try harder, what amused me, and then I realized I was enjoying that game you wanted to play with me', she looked at him lovingly, 'It's great to know we were in the same wave length since so early', she pecked his lips at the surprised expression on his face, 'Just go on'.
Niles blinked and resumed his story, 'As now I know you had already noticed, we started getting along, and I got intrigued. I didn't know what was happening, anymore. I couldn't possibly like you – you were too different from the people I usually got friends with. But there was something happening. Something about you that I still didn't understand, but got me hooked'.
She shook her head, 'It's unbelievable, you know?'
'What?'
'How similar we are, with the bizarre mysterious attraction and the gusto for mind games'.
Niles smiled in a mix of fondness and regret, 'I felt like I had found my match in you. At least, until you decided to break the enchantment'.
CC had her eyes wide, knowing fully what he meant before he had to say it, 'Sara's passing'.
'Yes', he sighed, an old pain showing in his eyes, 'You started going after Mister Sheffield instead of helping me to keep the house up, and I felt so irrationally betrayed I couldn't think of anything else but demeaning you and keeping you far from him'.
She lowered her head and rested her forehead in his, 'There's nothing I can do or say to mend that'.
'You have done it when you came to me, tonight', he whispered.
'It won't erase the fact you needed me and I was not there for you'.
'Now I need you and you're here with me', he hugged her tightly, 'And I don't want to erase anything. We have beautiful memories of these years'.
'Yes, we do', CC accepted his argument, breathing deeply in his scent and getting back to her previous position, facing him, 'Just go on'.
Understanding she didn't feel prepared to dwell in it, and deciding to move on, Niles resumed, 'Miss Fine's arrival changed everything, again: initially, she was a warm presence keeping me company; soon, she reminded me so much of Mrs Sheffield, in her love for the children and her innovative dedication for Mister Sheffield, that I started thinking Fran was the obvious choice for Maxwell. They had chemistry, she sided with me and the children when it mattered, she was able to fight you, and I decided things would get back to what they had been before if she married him'.
He made a pause to evaluate if the subject was too painful for CC, but her face showed just interest in his story.
'I sincerely thought that being friends with Miss Fine would take you, your evil schemes and stupid behavior off my mind, but the contrary happened: the more Mister Sheffield got away from you, the more I wanted to be closer again. It started dawning on me that, if Fran was the warm and lovely model of wife for him, you were the unique partner I wanted for me', his eyes looked deeply into hers, 'I started realizing what I had been fighting for years – the interest, the chemistry, the unspoken understandings. I couldn't deny anymore that, as much as it felt right to see Fran besides Maxwell, it felt right that I should be by yours'.
His hands caressed the skin on her arms, and CC had goosebumps.
He went on, looking at her skin reacting to his touch, 'Every time we touched, every time we danced, when we kissed, it was more and more obvious that I was falling for you, and that it had to be you', his eyes found hers, 'It was not just that I didn't mind that you had an evil side, or that you were brash and devilish, or that you changed from sensitive to touchy to furious in a matter of moments, but that I craved it. I soon realized you wouldn't be the person that got me hooked if you were any different from that'.
CC interrupted his talking with a deep kiss.
She couldn't resist after hearing those words from him.
It was more than acceptance.
It was the thing she didn't want to name yet but kept coming around again.
When they parted, Niles rested a hand on the back of her head, caressing her hair and keeping her close, 'I had been fantasizing about you through the years, but I always pretended it was not anything of importance, even if it was satisfying and strangely mind blowing'.
She smirked at her own performance in his fantasies.
He rolled his eyes playfully and went on, 'But then the kiss happened, and it felt like you had invaded my heart and knocked everything off place: affection, desire, admiration, annoyance, despise, caring… You provoked everything, you mixed everything, and I realized I didn't stand a chance of getting rid of my feelings for you, because there was no one else with the power you had over me', he licked his lips, 'And now is when things get crazy'.
CC raised her brows in curiosity.
'I spent nights awaken planning what I could say or do to make you pay attention – and not in the usual way. I fantasized of the most bizarre scenarios, trying to guess what would trigger your desire for me and finally change things between us for the better'.
Niles stayed silent for a moment, seemingly embarrassed. It seemed they were reaching the point of his story he considered the most difficult.
'And then I was forced to admit to myself that I had never dreamt of discovering the good and sweet woman you were, inside, through some gentle gesture', he reddened slightly, 'When I thought of us, I kept imagining you grabbing me by the tie to kiss me in the office until I turned breathless; you catching me alone in the kitchen and messing with my schedule because we had to make out on the back stairs; you opening the door of the powder room abruptly and pulling me inside, because you wanted a quickie and that was the closest place with some privacy', he reddened further, 'You have no idea how frustrated I was every time I was your slave and you sent me to do stupid tasks', he huffed, annoyed, 'When I thought you had reached the limit of blindness to how at your disposal I was, you enticed me with promises of working out together and I ended up with Sylvia!'
'Believe me, I regret it, too', she said, sincerely.
He shook his head, 'I daresay you have no idea of my frustration', he spoke, emphatically, 'I had a whole scenario in my head, where you discovered a secret of mine and forced me to be your sex slave, and I was confused and disappointed when you missed every single opportunity to make that fantasy real, opting for a practical joke'.
Her face had been one of deep regret and understanding of her stupidity, but it changed to delighted surprised at his confession that he wished to be her sex slave.
Niles saw the change in her face and added, 'At least those episodes served to point out to me that there was a constant in the mind blowing fantasies: the most dominant you were, the most satisfying the fantasy would be'.
He looked into her eyes, visibly deciding they were beyond any shyness, at this point of his explanation.
'Deep inside, I think I wanted you to make me submit. No matter who won in our public or private verbal sparring and childish pranks, when it came to sex, I wished you would do to me whatever you wanted to. I wished to discover what you liked, so I could satisfy you. Multiple times. The way you wanted. Whenever you wanted. There is something about battling you out of bed but surrendering in it that really turns me on'.
CC had goosebumps again, and her face flushed in sudden desire at the images his words were conjuring.
'You have no idea the things that went through my mind. I was confused and aroused, and I didn't know what to do with some of the ideas – they seemed to be too detached from reality'.
There was a brief pause, when Niles clenched his jaw, mastering his nerves.
'You have this thing about you – this powerful, strong, assertive thing – that makes me desire to be inside you and feel that you accept me and what I have to offer, but makes me long for the other way around – that I was able to show you that I accept you, too. That I want you inside me, too. That you want to be inside me'.
It was written So, this is it! all over her face.
CC just blinked, remaining silent and all focused on him.
'That was why I didn't bait an eye when I saw you naked. That is why I can't find your body strange or distasteful. I feel like I have kind of dreamt of it – there was never a woman or a man who could seduce and arouse me like you do, and you do it all the time, being exactly as you are. It finally made sense that I would dream of you doing everything with me, in bed – only you could fulfill my desires'.
She stayed looking at him, totally absorbed in his words.
'See why I felt so lost when you didn't say yes to my proposals? It's only you for me, and I felt like you had obviously recognized how yours I was', he was anxious, 'I hope you believe I'm not making it up. I needed a lifetime of teasing and mind games, and some near-death experiences, to realize I had to do something to express how I felt, or I would loose you and go crazy'.
CC smiled, her eyes moisten, 'Now I see it', she caressed his cheeks, soothing him.
Niles' voice came out hoarsely, 'Then, now you know', he gulped, 'I proposed because I wanted to be there for you, no matter what. I... adore you exactly as you are. I trust you to tell me what to do, and teach me how to satisfy every desire you have. I meant it when I said I was at your service'.
She blinked the wetness in her eyes away, 'And you'll want to experiment... everything?'
He reddened again, 'You'll have to be patient, because I have never done some things, but yes, I want it all, as long as it is something that you want, too – I am still not sure of how you're going to face the matter, having gone through so much to build your identity'.
CC smiled, moved at his worry about her, 'Yes, I must say it's been a long way for me to admit I was not less of a woman when I got an erection. I have gone to doctors and made them explain to me everything about my own body, specially how my balls had stayed inside and how was it possible that a woman, aroused by a man, could get wet and have an erection'.
Niles nodded – his time to be absorbed in her explanation.
'What I learnt was that male and female bodies are basically the same thing, just positioned differently. At some point in developing, we can be both – the same thing will divide to form labia in a girl and testicles in a boy, for example. So, it was not strange that my vagina was a complex thing that kind of nestled my two small testes'.
Niles raised his brows in realization, 'I have felt them when we were in the shower, haven't I?'
'Uhum', she agreed, 'You seem to have a gift for finding my sweet spots'.
'I live to serve, baby', he smiled, then prodded, 'And what about the erection part?'
'Once the clitoris and the penis have their origins in the same spot, and that a woman's clit gets full of blood, bigger and more sensitive when she is aroused, it's just natural that, in my case, my arousal would manifest itself in both things: the wetness and the enlargement of my organ', CC smirked, 'So, maybe there was nothing wrong that I got wet and hard at the sight of my favorite butler in suspenders, for example'.
Both chuckled at that, and kissed softly.
When they parted, CC resumed, 'Of course, I still had to deal with the matter of gender roles: if I felt like a woman, how was it that I fantasized of things that involved my cock? Shouldn't I be just receptive, kind of sexually submissive, and not even consider the notion of penetrating someone, much less a man?'
Niles was very serious, 'And what have you found out?'
'I realized that my sexuality is just another feature that reflects how... versatile I can be, in terms of what I desire, and how not chained to any gender expectations one must be to accept their true desires. I enjoy feeling powerful and dominant as much as I enjoy being cherished and protected. It feels good to be adored, but some days all I need is some manhandling. So, there is no problem in sometimes wanting to be penetrated and, sometimes, to penetrate'.
Niles breathed deeply, 'So, I was right when I told you whatever we had to discover about each other would fit in what we already know'.
'Yes, you were', she nose-kissed him, 'And you have no idea how glad I am that you don't care about roles and gender expectations, too, because I'm really fond of you and a narrow-minded Niles would difficult things greatly'.
He hugged her and she messed with his hair, while kissing his cheek and jaw.
'Are you glad you have told me?', she asked.
'The word is relieved', he sighed, 'I was afraid you would find me a freak'.
'For God' sake, Niles!', she looked at him, offended, 'That would make me the biggest hypocrite who has ever lived!'
'Don't take me wrong, witch', he rested his hands on her hips, 'I trust you and believe you're invested in this relationship, but desire is something you can't control – what if you hated the idea of having erections, but I kept touching you there and showing my growing appreciation for it?', he shrugged, 'You have the right to not desire the dominant role. As much as I think it suits your personality, sexual drive is not logical or predictable, and you could be uncomfortable'.
'Aw, Niles', CC said with a huge grin, 'You're such a sweetie for overthinking that!'
'It's not overthinking', he contradicted, pouting, 'It could really be an issue'.
'But, luckily, it's not', she wriggled her body joyfully, 'You have nothing to worry about: I'll be patient and delicate, and won't miss any opportunities you give me for complete domination of that yummy body of yours'.
They kissed softly, sealing the promise.
When they parted she looked into his eyes and lowered her voice, 'And I'm sure I'll enjoy being inside you'.
His mouth opened in a wave of arousal.
CC smirked, and Niles made an effort to get out of his haze, frowning, 'And I sincerely hope I enjoy it, too, because I intend on this being a long term thing, and you have as much right to use every part of your body to have pleasure as I do'.
She pressed her lips together to suppress a chuckle at his deer-in-the-headlights expression when he realized that, while playfully masking his desire in a rational argument, he had mentioned a long term thing.
'Oh, all right', she said, good-naturedly, breaking the tension, 'I see it's stronger than yourself. As long as we don't have any proposals for the time being…', she yawned tiredly, '…you can say we're stuck with each other'.
He caressed her hair, 'I see you're sleepy, my beauty'.
'Uhum', she agreed wholeheartedly, nestling on him, 'I'm sorry, but this conversation has worn me out'.
'Yes, I know it's almost too much', he spoke, kissed her forehead and slapped her butt playfully, 'Get off of me, then, so I can finish the bed for us'.
She moaned a negative, rubbing against him and throwing her arms over his head to grab his hair for good measure.
Niles felt her smile against the skin of his neck and quickly rolled them over, surprising CC, planting a forceful kiss on her lips when he was on top, then letting go of her and getting out of bed.
'Hey!', she protested, giggling, 'I thought I was the dominant partner, here!'
Niles took the top sheet, motioned for CC to occupy her side of the bed and, when she did it, extended the sheet to cover her, 'You must fight for the right to be dominant, now and then, or I'll loose my respect for your authority'.
He turned to take a comforter, and she seized the opportunity to look at his rear, anticipating the feel of it, 'You seem eager to keep things in motion'.
He turned around, extended the comforter and slid under it to lay by his side and into her arms for a good night kiss, 'You were very brave to expose yourself to me, and I'll be caught dead before I leave things between us fall into a routine. I would be a fool for not experimenting everything this relationship has to offer'.
She grinned in response, excitedly, deepening the kiss.
Her right hand sneaked to his chest and then to his hip, under the covers, while her left arm extended itself to serve him as a pillow.
They got closer to each other, their lips not parting.
Her right hand reached the small of his back, her left arm folded to permit her to thread her fingers through his hair.
He moaned in the kiss, 'Oh, Miss Babcock…'
She shivered.
Her business name in his voice and this context was a huge turn on.
She whispered back, pulling him even closer, 'You're perfect, Niles'.
He pulled back enough to look into her eyes.
He was mesmerized by the affection of the unexpected compliment, and fighting the urge to say the words he had been dying to say but didn't feel authorized, yet.
CC froze.
She couldn't decide if she wanted to hear it.
Niles gulped, closed his eyes for a moment, and opened them again, mastering his emotions.
'I understand', he finally said, his voice still altered by the feelings that had overwhelmed him moments before. Seeing her nervous face, he brought a hand to cup it and approached to kiss her lips softly, 'Good night'.
He hadn't said it, but it was there. It was almost as if CC could hear the words firmly etched to the end of his phrase, even if he hadn't pronounced them.
Suddenly it hit her that he had been saying them to her without words, for a long time.
CC licked her lips and took her hand away from Niles' lower back, where it still was, and rested it again on his hip, 'Turn around'.
He was surprised, but obeyed her.
When he settled, with his back to her, CC approached until she spooned him, her arm around his waist, her right hand over his heart, her nose close to his hair, her whole front pressed against his back.
Niles covered the hand on his chest with his and relaxed his body against hers, closing his eyes and sighing in pleasure.
He entwined their fingers and jiggled his hips slightly to tease her.
She chuckled and placed a soft kiss on his shoulder, 'Good night, baby'.
After Niles had fell asleep, CC looked at his contented face and wondered if he really was the only one of them who had the urge to say those still prohibited words.