More than a woman
Chapter 15: Words – Part 3
Niles closed the bathroom door behind him, took off his clothes roughly and threw them at the floor, frustrated.
Why did he have to be such an idiot?! He could be in the arms of the woman of his dreams right now, enjoying their closeness after such a troubled parting, but no, he had to second guess their relationship, imagine her in bed with another man, try to imitate the said man and make sure to kick himself out of paradise!
His mind provided immediately the notion that CC Babcock in paradise would be the seductive snake, and Niles put his hands on his hips, able to breathe deeply and calm himself.
(Yes, the thought of Babcock as one of the main villains known by his religion was enough to appease him.)
Feeling better, he looked in dismay at the clothes scattered on the floor.
He gained nothing on making a new mess, so he picked the discarded items, folded and piled them up carefully on the sink.
Besides, he hadn't brought a proper bag, such was his and Fran's hurry to catch the first plane – what meant he would be wearing the same things again.
(With that offending scent.
He was doomed.)
The butler went to the shower area, turned on the water and started washing himself, rubbing almost furiously on his skin, and certainly furiously trying to think of what to do to amend things without needing to wear anything.
He heard the door opening and turned to see what CC wanted.
She entered, took the pile of clothes and left, in silence, as the proverbial ghost.
Niles felt relieved: she would probably call the hotel staff for a bag of laundry worth the most disgusted and despiteful glare she could muster. And, if CC wanted to get rid of the evidences of his stupidity, it meant she was looking for a way to erase his wrongs, and hadn't given up on him.
(He surely could make up a zinger on her criminal nature leading her to destroy evidences, later. Now, he still didn't know if teasing was the best approach.)
Of course, she could just have decided to throw his clothes through the window and send him nude down the street to pick them up.
(Maybe that was the thing he should offer to do while wearing nothing.)
And maybe she had decided to light his clothes on fire in a cleansing ritual.
(He had thought about burning things in a cleansing ritual in that fateful night when he was looking for ways to keep living when he realized he was lost without her.
Tonight he wouldn't mind if she burned those clothes – he surely wanted to forget he had the idea of wearing the second-hands from Maxwell to try to impress her.)
Seeing what the hotel offered, Niles regretted he hadn't brought any of his toiletries. It had been a terrible mistake to come just with things that could turn him into a carbon copy of what he guessed she wanted.
Now he was not sure parading nude while picking his clothes was enough.
Maybe he should just ask her what she wanted from him in exchange for forgiveness. This way he would not risk doing something foolish, again.
But what if he just aggravated her further once he couldn't figure out by himself what to do?
(Niles rubbed his hands on his face: he was worried about aggravating Babcock.
It's a world gone mad, really.)
Maybe it was time to admit he didn't know how to have a real relationship. One thing is the feeling of belonging, the desire and the certainty that you have found the only person who can fulfill you; other thing, completely different, was to make it work.
Since they got together, Niles often wondered how CC Babcock, a person who came from a very different background and had a very different way of facing life, felt about their differences: while he was a servant who proclaimed often underappreciated he was in his daily job, she was a rich socialite who just worked because she was passionate about her career; while he tended to be warm and agreeable to the point of submission, she was a wildcat who fought for everything to be the way she wanted; while he victimized himself over being convinced by his parents to give up a fancy career and stay as a butler, she had been dealing with identity struggles related directly to how her parents saw her as a whole being since she was born.
Each person has his and her own questions and challenges in life, but he had been so centered in his own and so sure of how superior she must feel that he ended up being a horrible person towards her.
And still she decided he was worth an explanation when she refused his proposals, and had come to him, risking an exposition she didn't need, once she was sure he would change his mind about her the moment he knew the truth.
After all she had gone through, the least he could do was to accept whatever decisions she decided to take.
And, still, he panicked and decided he had to grasp at straws to try to keep her by his side.
The butler let the hot water fall on his shoulders, trying to relieve some of the tension.
He wondered if CC understood that he had crossed the country not because he didn't trust her, but because he was terrified she would just forget about him if he was not there to remind her he was somewhat worth her attention.
He wondered if she knew that his main motivation for the name-calling has always been to impress her and to keep himself in her thoughts, once he was not rich or obviously good-looking, and had to show off abilities to prove to her he was quick-minded and more interesting than the average servant.
Did she have any idea how often he wondered which was her motivations?
CC had already told Niles she enjoyed the game he proposed, and he was glad to have found a way for them to keep in contact while pretending they didn't really want it. It went so well he still did it, once it seemed to amuse her, and because reaching her mind seemed possible and turned easy with the years of practice, while reaching her heart seemed impossible to the kinds of him.
But what about her?
She had called him old and poor lots of times, and to Niles it sounded like she was just stating facts, once he really was older and poorer than her.
And then he asked himself: when she called him ugly and fat, was it for the same reason – was she stating facts? So, she looked at him and saw an old, poor, ugly and fat servant?
If that was the case, he didn't have the slightest idea how she had overcome her disgust for him.
Some months ago, at the horrible accident in Hanukkah, Niles decided to deal with his feelings for CC, and reviewed the things he had been doing to her. He felt like he was always running after her, waving as an idiot and making noise for her to notice him. There was no way he would stop doing that, once that was their modus operandi, but he needed to change his tactics and propose something new – just in case he had read right the sweet eyes she did at him next days after the life and death ordeal.
She noticed the change, she answered in kind, and after a huge battle with his fear of rejection – in which the major argument was fear of losing her the moment she realized Mister Sheffield was off limits again –, he had proposed.
And had been rejected. Multiple times.
And he had told her how much he cared, through that bizarre tirade that kinda hinted at his worries about her and her future, but stressed how stupid and self-destructive she was.
All he got was to freeze her on the spot.
If such idiocies and missteps weren't enough, Niles announced he was going away, deciding to put an end to something he had just started.
And still, even with him being immature and fighting the right battles the wrong way, she had come to him.
She believed they were not to blame for their situation, and she thought he must know it, too.
He still had no idea why CC Babcock, the coldest person he has ever met, would be so considerate for her worst enemy.
What he knew was that now she had given something to him, and he could think of was that he had to find ways to keep her interested, if he wanted to convince her to stay with him.
(And he really wished she would stay. That was why he proposed, after all.)
He had fantasized about that relationship for years, and now that he had it, he freaked out, he didn't feel ready to deal with how amazing it felt, he lived thorn at the pleasure it brought him and the stress over it ending at any moment, on her part.
Niles got troubled over the same contradictory features he adored in CC: her gestures and the way she looked at him were full of tenderness; she was obviously happy and enjoyed being with him. However, she didn't want to marry him, she had brushed aside his slips about having a long term thing, and she had not uttered a single word that indicated she really intended on making things work out.
He sincerely thought he had his anxiety in check, and that he would not make the same mistake again, of pressing her for any proof of affection. He was not a puppy. He was a grown man.
(A grown man who had thrown food, called names and gone out of his way to prank the woman who owned his heart, as if he was a boy who didn't know what to do with alien feelings as affection, desire and tenderness towards a girl.)
The result of not adapting to their new dynamics was getting so insecure he had acted on his fear and made the stupid decisions that brought him to Beverly Hills.
In his defense, it had made sense when he first thought about it: if she went away with Maxwell, the only way to gain her attentions back was being a bit more like the man.
It was flawless logic, wasn't it?
And there was more: CC had been tailing after Mister Sheffield for years; thus, she liked unattainable (sometimes by means of obtuseness), smooth and confident men.
Niles was the polar opposite of that: he needed to be noticed and included (being as far from unattainable as someone can be), he wanted to have his witty saying in every debate (not caring to be really smooth), and had to fight fierce daily battles against his low self-esteem.
Those had been the exact quirks that lessened his hope that Babcock would ever reciprocate his feelings, over the years. He didn't find himself inferior to Maxwell when it was his own opinion that counted; however, when Babcock compared them and chose his boss over and over again, it destroyed a bit more of Niles' self-confidence.
Sometimes she would throw a jab at how he didn't have any money for a decent vacation, and it hurt a lot because it implied he was less refined and cultured than he really was. It put down every effort he did to distinguish himself before her eyes. His efforts were, in fact, useless – no matter how clever his zingers or funny his jokes, at the end of the day all she could remember was he belonged to the lower class, and therefore was not worth her in any way.
He didn't mind that much when she laughed at his expense when they were alone, but ganging up with Mister Sheffield to stress how much of a mediocre person she supposed the butler was just because he was, well, a butler, had pushed Niles to retaliate in the most shameful ways.
Now they were together, against all odds, and he was still haunted by the notion that he couldn't win her heart being who he was.
He was aiming for perfection; that was the only way for him to deserve any kind of commitment from her. And he had already realized that, even if she had said once that he was perfect, she probably had just been carried away, the same way she has been excited by their new-found contentment about being together. To him, he was in heaven after years believing he would spend a life suppressing his unrequited feelings for her in order to not go crazy; to her, it has been some weeks of enjoying the butler and his infatuation for her.
Niles was relatively inexperienced in matters of the heart, spending most of his life alone, and undoubtedly never finding someone who shook him to the core like Babcock did. He suspected his childish acts towards her were a symptom that he didn't have the repertoire to deal with such a deep passion. In the past, he often focused on her and did whatever seemed efficient to force her to look into his direction and think of him for at least some moments, following the stupid logic that ended up sending her to The Place – that she was made of ice and steel, and no matter which offensive insults he hurled at her, she would not feel anything.
Now she had invited him to her life and showed him more than glimpses of her humanity, and Niles was afraid he would not get used quickly enough to the emotions her concrete presence brought on him.
Wearing other man's scent and clothes was a bit of an overreaction, but he had been feeling disturbed because she zingered him when he wished to hear words she didn't seem any close to saying.
It was a matter of time for him to lose his head.
Niles pondered if he could have prevented this situation by asking openly what she meant when she threw the old jokes at him, after they got together. Things could be different if he had been able to extract from her the words he needed to appease his heart about her opinion on him.
Who am I trying to fool? I didn't get an I do. I will probably never get an I love you. I haven't even had the guts to tell her I love her to her face. I can't expect to hear anything from her.
He had just gestures and looks to get hints, as it had been for years, and now he started fearing her words for what they would reveal of her intentions – to the point he had chickened out the only time she brought up what she meant with the zingers.
Niles had been in the Sheffield's kitchen, searching the fridge for ingredients for his newest project: a macaroni recipe that included some of Babcock's preferred vegetables.
It was almost ridiculous how much he cared for that woman: he had thought of the recipe just that morning, after a steaming session with the two of them in the limo, when she had commented how hungry she had been, for him and for food, lately; she had said it as a joke; it was barely some hours earlier; he had just finished cleaning after lunch.
And here he was, already planning dinner for her while humming the chorus of You make me feel brand new.
(He was happy to serve her. He felt energized at the thought of feeding her. He wanted to make her smile. He wanted to see her well.
Love could be the strangest and most wonderful thing, really.)
Niles had already selected some things and bent just a bit more inside the fridge to make sure the items were really hid, and no Fines would ask questions over such a selection of vegetables saved when he could be cooking pies.
(Last time Sylvia had criticized the amount of no-greasy food he had been serving lately, and luckily CC was present to say Niles had more on his mind than to feed a fake blonde.
His uncontrolled laughing at that – because, really, how could he be serious when she said such a thing and looked at him in challenge? – caused a commotion: Fran grabbed her mother by the arm and dragged her out of the kitchen, saying something along the lines of still not prepared for them.)
Niles was so engrossed in his own happy memories he was startled back into reality when his butt was unceremoniously slapped.
'Hey!', he reacted, straightening his back, closing the fridge and turning to face the only person who would do it.
CC had a self-satisfied smirk.
He blushed. The foolish smile on his face made clear he loved when she did those things, 'Why did you do that?'
She crossed her arms and gave him a stern look, 'You don't bend your back like that, Niles, without consequences'.
'I don't know what you're talking about', he rubbed his bum dramatically, walking to the island in an absurd urge to be far from the fridge and not reveal that he was planning something for her, 'Unless you mean it makes me unbearably sexy. If this is the case, I'm sorry to inform you my line of work often includes parading my enticing body around and getting into compromising positions'.
She laughed heartily and approached to stand by his side, 'Yeah, no one does house duties as sexy as you do', she grinned at his squinting while taking his white apron, 'However, this is not my point, now'.
'I wonder what it is, then', he answered, moving his arms to adjust the apron on his back, 'It must be something pressing, to justify such an attack in the light of day'.
CC walked to him and spoke disapprovingly, while turning him around almost roughly to adjust the apron herself, 'We both know you have a bad relationship with your sciatica, Hazel'.
Niles frowned, embarrassed.
So, she found it necessary to take care of him as if he was a decrepit old man?
He gave a step to be out of her reach and circled the island, going to the sink and pretending he had something to get, there, mumbling, 'So, you know about that'.
'I've paid more attention through the years than you deserved, baby'.
'Uhmpf', he scoffed, turning from the sink and looking around, searching for an excuse to leave, 'You don't need to worry. I didn't have any back pain since I started working out'.
Before the excuse presented itself, CC was in front of him, close enough to block his path, 'I know'.
He could feel her intent eyes on his face, and showed his rebellious stance through an impatient glare.
Not even minimally intimidated, she put a hand on his shoulder, smoothing the apron unnecessarily, and added, 'However, you're so old I suppose the centuries of laziness still may take their toll on you'.
Niles clenched his jaw and straightened his back, trying not to accuse the blow, 'Let me go'.
'Why?'
'I have a lot to do'.
'Pretending to be busy just to prove me wrong? How childish of you'.
He huffed – decrepit, old, lazy, childish. It seemed the list was long and fresh in her mind.
'So ancient and so boyish – what an interesting specimen you turned out to be', CC smiled, her free hand reaching out to rest on his shoulder.
Teasing him amused her.
(And it seemed she could read his mind.)
She added, 'Anyway, it's not like you'll get my permission to run away from me'.
He didn't answer, once he really was waiting for her permission.
Suddenly, she tilted her head in realization.
'What?', he asked, warily.
'You're overreacting at my teasing', she stated, her hand letting go of his shoulder to caress his arm, 'I wonder if some things are off limits'.
Her eyes firmly set on his had the disturbing power of making him wish to appease her, and he forced himself to grumble, 'Thank you for your concern'.
For a moment he thought she would ask if he meant the bit about the back pain or the part where she pointed out she had read his discomfort, but she surprised him scrunching her nose, 'Don't need to thank me. I always take care of what is mine', she gave a step and got so close their noses were almost touching, 'I have this strange urge to make sure things under my control run smoothly'.
Niles tried not to look at her lips, and failed.
She licked them, to make his situation even more difficult.
He frowned deeply to compensate for the hoarse voice he would surely have, 'You can't run me smoothly, Miss Babcock. I'm not one of your business deals'.
'No, you're not. You're way more entertaining', she smirked at his slightly open mouth, 'Now, for example, I'm having fun finding ways to properly wipe off the scowl from your face'.
He realized his slip and went back to scowling, 'And how do you plan doing it, once you're the one who caused it?'
She raised her hand to his face, where her thumb traced his jaw and lower lip, 'I don't have to tell you, servant'.
He squirmed, trying to get his face out of reach without giving the required step back.
Niles had fantasized about situations like this taking an erotic twist more often than he wanted to admit, but CC's attitude made him confused at the familiar mix of tender gestures and demeaning words.
Her finger caressed his lip, and he fought the desire to take her hand in his and kiss it, or take that finger in his mouth to surprise her and stop the teasing.
(Or take the teasing a step further.)
But he was too off-balance to do anything to match her advances.
Her eyes showed him she was following what he was going through with interest.
She was smiling, he couldn't decide what it meant, and blurted out, annoyed, 'Stop it, Babcock'.
'No way', she spoke in a patronizing tone, 'We have time'.
He remained stubbornly silent.
She smirked and stage whispered, 'And I don't have mercy'.
He directed his glare at the fridge door, not able to sustain his eyes on hers, 'I don't know what you expect me to do'.
'Oh, you're right', she answered sincerely, letting go of him.
Surprised by her sudden retreat, he looked back at her face, 'What?'
She was walking nonchalantly back to her preferred place, behind the counter, 'Since you started throwing jabs at me, years ago, I wished I had an effective way to shut you up. Now I have it'.
Still confused, but finally with space enough to move, Niles turned to the back of the kitchen and walked away, 'I'm not the one who needs to be shut up, here'.
'No, but you are the one who needs to be busy in order to stop fretting over the things I say'.
He was seriously pondering on escaping through the backstairs while he answered, 'Oh, well, I was busy when you came here and…'
He stopped speaking at the familiar sound of a zipper being opened.
Niles turned around and saw CC's hands holding the sides of her already open pants.
His eyes were wide, 'What are you doing?!'
She shrugged, 'I intend on giving you something to occupy your mouth before you get so worked up you say something you'll regret'.
She explained and let go of her pants, which fell down to the floor.
And was already reaching out for her panties.
Niles stepped towards CC, looking around nervously, 'I can't do it'.
'Oh, yes, you can', she grinned, 'In fact, you're very good at it'.
'I mean not here', he reached her and pulled her closer to him.
He just meant to hide her from any prying eyes, but she seized the opportunity to rub against him, 'I don't remember saying it was negotiable'.
She spoke and chuckled, amused, her hands resting on his shoulders as if they were just in each other's arms for a moment of tenderness, as many others they already had in that same kitchen, and not in a very compromising situation.
'There are people in the house', he reminded her.
'When there are not?', she shrugged.
He pleaded, 'Miss Babcock...'
That devilish smirk was there and she sing-songed, 'Listening'.
Niles stopped to think.
She had cornered him, and his only options were putting up a fight – what brought up the possibility of both of them getting really aroused – or simply caving in, offering something that could demote her of the current crazy idea of shutting him up with a blowjob in the kitchen, in the middle of the afternoon.
He breathed deeply and offered, 'Meet you in my room in fifteen'.
'In five'.
He licked his lips and nodded, 'In five'.
To his relief, she smiled in agreement and gave a tiny step behind, keeping her arms open.
It was a sign that she was permitting him to close her pants.
Grateful, he quickly knelt before her and took the sides of the pants from the floor.
She immediately put a hand on his head to caress his hair.
Niles looked up.
Their eyes met.
Hers were full of tenderness.
He smiled softly and lifted her pants until she was able to take it with her free hand.
When she did, he pulled the zipper up and closed the button.
His hands went to her hips to smooth the cloth, caressing her sides, and then he lifted her shirt enough for him to plant a loving kiss on her stomach.
Both her hands went to his head.
The mood changed.
Niles got up and they kissed deep, long and tender, all teasing and misunderstandings forgotten.
When they parted, they stayed in each other's arms.
Their eyes were locked again, and Niles felt a strange constriction on his chest at how much he really, really, really loved that striking and multifaceted creature, and how he wished he had the guts to simply say the words.
It didn't matter that she wouldn't say them back.
However, the sweet smile on her face told him she was happy, and he decided there was no need to risk saying something she didn't want to hear.
He didn't need more than her happiness to live, and he already had it, now, without any words.
She was glowing, in peace with herself, comfortable in his arms.
His hand caressed her cheek and went to her hair, fascinated by her beauty and by how fond of her he was.
He had spent years stealing glances at her, and now she was so close, she seemed content to be there, and she maybe liked him to some extent...
Niles saw her moving lips and heard her beautiful voice, but couldn't understand the words.
Blinking to get out of the haze, he asked, 'Sorry, sweetie. What was it?'
For some reason, she grinned and her embrace on him got tighter, 'Were you thinking about dinner?'
'Uhm?', he frowned lightly, 'Now?'
She chuckled, 'No, not now – and, just for the records, you just missed an opening for a chicken joke. I mean when I got here, earlier. It looked like you were involved in some conspiracy with that fridge. Any special dishes coming on?'
Finally understanding, he caressed her arms and shrugged, 'Oh, it's not much. I was considering if I should try a new recipe tonight. I just thought of it this morning, but I had to make sure I...', he stopped speaking to look warily at her, 'Why are you asking?'
She looked sincerely concerned, 'I don't want to mess too much with your work time, Niles. We already spent half morning out of sight. If you're really busy, I'll understand'.
He looked deep into her eyes, 'I'll never be so busy that I won't have time for you'.
He spoke and flinched. That was too close to the mark – he was a tiny step from speaking of eternal devotion, and God only knows what he would blurt out after this.
Luckily, she just smiled and pecked his lips.
Niles felt his heart go small, once she hadn't caught his meaning, and he couldn't decide if it was a good or bad thing.
'You know I do those things for you, don't you?', she asked, suddenly.
'Things?'
'The zingers'.
'I'm not sure I follow'.
'I need to make sure your skin gets thick enough'.
'You want me to change? I know when yours gets too thick you just get out of it'.
He spoke and regretted it. It was too close to the mark, again – it hinted at the idea that she wanted him to be different – as in able to shrug off some things he still couldn't.
'Maybe the notion that I could get over anything was why I've never been good in taking care of myself', she spoke, very serious, her hand resting over his heart, 'The fact I can't get over you is new, and I think sometimes I may still push you too hard'.
'That's all right', he hurried to say, even if it was not exactly the truth, 'Now that we can deal with the sexual tension in a healthy way, I mean'.
CC sighed in relief, 'I'm glad to know', she pecked his lips and got out of his arms, 'I'll let you off the hook, this time'.
'Meaning?'
'You can work in whatever you were planning to. I won't bother you, anymore'.
'Oh, please, I need my Home Entertainment Center', he gave her his crooked grin, 'I know where to find it, but I'm so lazy I prefer when the fun comes to me'.
He regretted reinforcing his own flaws every time he did it, but it never failed to make her smile.
'Oh, all right, I'll come to bother you for tea, later, as usual', she spoke and grinned, in awe, 'Damn! How easy have I become?'
Niles turned off the water and reached out for a towel: she thought she was easy!
Well, that was the same woman who thought the most difficult part about being with her would be the sex. On the contrary: Niles didn't have any restrictions to their sexual life. He was loving every minute of it – every crazy new position they tried, every new place they experimented, every bold caress they shared. He loved the intimacy and the lack of any boundaries.
The difficult part of being in a relationship with CC Babcock was the fact he still felt like she could just leave him at any moment.
He still couldn't believe she was in this for real.
They were still tied to old habits.
She would be back to despising him, sooner or later.
Niles took the hotel robe and put it on.
There was nothing he feared most than not being enough for her, and there was nothing more disturbing than not knowing what to do to prevent it.
Getting ready for another blind flight in the search for her affections, he opened the bathroom door.
He didn't feel prepared to face CC Babcock, but it never stopped him before.