So hey guys, and thanks for tuning into the next chapter of NR! :3 (Gosh, are we on Chapter 40 already?)

And once again, I begin with my usual tokens of thanks: thewhitespirit (thank you so much for the compliments, by the way, and there's actually an important part for Hope coming up in the next two chapters or so, don't worry! 8D), Zapper90, OscarMerrinoz96, GCFarron, and Mylaervain! Your dedication to this fic keeps a girl going. And of course, cheers go to my muse as always, LadyAlaska. (:

This chapter is extremely intense on the emotional side, I'm saying that straight off. And for those who have been waiting for some more Light and Hope, well... *grins to myself* I did use one stanza out of the Jpop singer Stephanie's Friends in this fic, and obviously I don't own it. I highly recommend for those into Jpop to listen to it though, I love that song, and it suited the intent of this chapter so well! 8D

Enjoy as always!

Chapter 40: Imperfect

Bracing her slender figure against the snow, Lightning pushed tangled pink bangs off of her face, feeling the icy drip of the wet tendrils snake their way down her neck. The wet spray of ice clung to the skin on her face, and no amount of rubbing was going to get some feeling back into her cheeks for awhile. Serah had been bundled into Snow's coat again, and through the howling wind, the only thing she could hear was the crunch of her boots in the heavy, wet snow.

Struggling to see, she tried to make out something against the sameness of the grey and white, but she couldn't; there was nothing to distinguish between land and sky. Where the horizon even was, she didn't know. Her right hand had frozen onto the handle of the omega weapon awhile ago, and she didn't even want to think about the stiffness in her fingers. The only thing she knew was that they were still going north.

"Light..." Hope's voice was barely audible, and she could hear the strain in his soft tones. "Can you see?"

Lightning shook her head, splaying wet pink hair around her shoulders and sending a shower of icy wet drips down her back before she remembered that he probably couldn't see her in the blinding storm. "No," she hissed through gritted teeth, regretting opening her mouth instantly when a blast of icy air hit the back of her throat, making her choke on the slivers of ice. Swallowing the cold, she stopped for a moment when the heel of her sank into an incline.

"Stay here," she ordered him out of the corner of her mouth. "I'm going to take a look." She turned to face his slightly dubious green eyes, his silver hair slightly frozen over with a layer of thin ice, the ends dripping slowly onto his teal scarf. He was shivering, hugging his arms to him as he glanced up at her. Her hand went to his shoulder before she thought about what she was doing. "I'll be okay."

Urgh.

Lightning cringed at the sound of her voice as soon as the words left her mouth. I sound pathetic. Gently, his cold hand closed back on hers, moving her hand off his right shoulder, locking his eyes with hers.

"Okay, Light."

She quickly broke off the contact before his gaze could peel her apart any more, and started up the slow incline, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth, half closing her blue eyes. The similar mess of emotions was beginning to rise in her chest again, and she tried to suppress it - with her back to him, he couldn't see what her reaction was. The snow was less heavy here, blocked slightly by the slowly rising slope, and she hastily wiped melting drops off her face.

She had no idea why she was reacting this way; why she wanted to comfort him like that. Why her voice came out soft - the only person she ever spoke that way to was Serah, and that was only when her sister was upset. And the rush of emotions she couldn't describe the moment their fingers touched, just like the moment back outside Lahrima Castle when he'd rested his head on her shoulder. She'd been too shocked to react at first, but she'd pushed him away the moment Serah and Snow stopped chasing each other.

What she didn't understand was why those few moments that could have lasted just that - a few minutes, or something much much longer, hadn't made her feel uncomfortable. She'd never been the type for physical contact, so why...

So why am I reacting this way?

What was it about him that made her let go of her inhibitions like that? Her hands found ice slicked pink hair as she gripped the locks by her right temple, as if the gesture could beat an explanation out of her confused mind. But it didn't; she couldn't find anything but her current emotional mess, and that left her more confused than ever.

She didn't know.

Briefly, Lightning wondered if she would ever find out. If she was completely honest with herself, she was glad he was around. She was glad of his trust and appreciation of her. But the more time they spent together, wordless or not, the more awkward their moments seemed to become. She didn't know what to say to him anymore, didn't know how to express herself to him anymore.

Their relationship before had been easier to manage - she could speak to him like she would Snow, albeit without the sarcastic tones, and she wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. But now, when she'd snapped at him last, she'd seen the hurt and surprised look in his eyes. That in itself hadn't bothered her too much. What had bothered her was her own guilt in seeing that pain in his eyes.

Just what the hell... have I become?

She wanted to continue to be the stoic, independent soldier they'd all come to expect from her. But in reality, she felt like he was chipping that exterior away from her, little by little, pushing closer to the more fragile interior she tried so hard every day to hide. She didn't know what she was becoming... thanks to him and Serah, and she didn't want to know.

There was one thing she did know though, and that was that she couldn't continue to let them pick away at her exterior, even though that had been her intention all along... And look how that turned out.

She hadn't meant to let people into her life at all like that. And the very notion of him having some sort of relationship outside whatever the the hell they were supposed to be at the moment... terrified her. It wasn't about their ages, even if that wasn't slightly disturbing all in itself already. It was because she had no idea what kind of person she was supposed to be.

I don't... know anymore!

The blast of cold air that hit her face was a welcome interruption to the direction her thoughts were going in. Some sort of action always reminded her to what she was - a solider. Pushing wet bangs off her face, Lightning squinted into the white sameness of the landscape at the top of the slope, hoping to find something... anything that would shelter them until the blizzard blew itself out. If it ever does.

It seemed that the moment they'd left Lahrima Castle behind them and entered the northern reaches of Gran Pulse all it had ever done was snow, even in summer. And at first, it seemed like a welcome break into the blistering summer heat that drenched the southern areas, until the snow had become unrelenting and unstoppable. She hadn't been dry for days, and it was only a matter of time before the cold temperatures caused some sort of injury - being constantly wet was not helping their cause.

The only solace in the whole situation was that it didn't look like Yorun and his gang of creeps could proceed any faster than they could. Crunching footsteps behind her and heavy breathing announced the arrival of everyone else, who had clearly followed her even though she'd told them not to. Snow gave her a sopping thumbs up when she shot back a glare, glad to feel the familiar irritation in her chest rise when she looked at the ever optimistic blond. Maker, he's as annoying as his namesake. If I never see another snowflake after this it'll be too soon.

"See anything, Sis?"

He set his feet beside her, squaring his shoulder against the wind, but she doubted he'd see more than she could. However, his extra weight at the edge of the slope had set another problem before them - Lightning could feel the snow and ice under her feet beginning to give way under his added bulk; both of them were slipping back against the frictionless surface as the snow began to cave under their weight.

"Fuck, Snow, you idiot!" she snarled at him as the entire ice shelf collapsed beneath them. She barely managed to clutch onto the new edge formed by the newly fallen snow blocks, finding herself looking up at Serah and Hope's panicked expressions as Snow plummeted into a snow bank. She heard his grunt of effort as he was devoured by the white embankment. Straining her numb legs and fingers, Lightning hauled herself back up onto the edge of the shelf; she'd managed to keep hold of her omega weapon before Snow had cracked the ice underneath with his weight.

She heard a shout of triumph below them.

"I found somewhere!"

What... the hell?

His snowflake encrusted face peeped up happily from the snow drift several dozen feet below them, his blond hair slicked almost silver in the descending wall of snow pressing down on their shoulders. Snow was pointing somewhere in front of him, and below them.

"Look, Sis, it's safe! Just drop down and we'll be fine!"

For some reason his epitome of 'fine' doesn't sound 'fine' to me.

It wasn't that she didn't trust him to look a few feet in front of him, it was that he had a severe lack of judgment when it came to important decisions. But there was no other choice; Serah looked like she was freezing without her husband to protect her from the bitter wind, and she could see that Hope wasn't looking too well either. Quickly pulling her sister into a hasty embrace in an attempt to warm her somewhat, even if her own skin was freezing cold, Lightning watched them slowly edge their way down before letting go of the ice shelf - she trusted that Snow would at least have the intelligence quotient to catch them.

Her own jump was slightly less graceful than she would have liked it to be - her limbs were like ice and her almost mishap, once again thanks to Snow, hadn't made her warmer. A quick glance in front of her told her that this time, at least Snow hadn't been telling a lie. There was a yawning hole that rose up from the ground - not ideal; its mouth was too big for her liking, but at least it was the only shelter they'd seen for awhile.

The blackness swallowed her as she followed Hope into the cave.

If this cave has monsters, Snow, I'd be concerned for your life afterwards.

Hope shivered as he drew closer to the fire they'd conjured from a pile of old moss Lightning had found at the back of the cave. The small flames that sprung from the old, puckered green stuff wasn't sufficient enough to dry his snow soaked clothes, but at least he wasn't freezing in the wind anymore. He exchanged a wry look with Serah - how her sister managed not to catch hypothermia with her uniform was a mystery to him, and he suspected she wouldn't tell any of them even if she was cold.

Snow sat down beside him with a thump, grinning to himself. "Told you this place was good, isn't it, Sis?"

She snorted; Lightning was in the middle of holding her fingers against her neck in an attempt to warm them, but she shot Snow a venomous glance nonetheless. "For once, Snow, I was convinced you actually had some brains. Does that make you feel better?"

"Ouch."

Serah giggled beside him, pressing a small hand to his cheek as the smile spread on her lips. "Don't worry, I still love you." The big man happily returned the gesture, rubbing the arms of the smaller pinkette.

"Thanks, baby."

Hope turned away - he didn't need to see whatever they were doing. A laugh rang around the silent cavern when Snow noticed that both he and Lightning had reacted in the exact same way; she was also pinching the bridge of her nose in an attempt to assuage her discomfort. "Okay, okay... we'll behave!" A serious tone entered his voice. "So... guess we're here till this storm blows itself out, huh?"

"No shit, genius," she snarled in his direction, pointedly still not looking back. "Unless going out there yourself is somehow appealing to you." Snow's mouth was open, staring at her with a mix of shock and disbelief. The blond man cast an ocean blue look in his direction, clearly waiting for an explanation.

In the moments before Hope registered the shock that Snow was asking him about Lightning's strange mood, he shrugged.

Wait. Did Snow just-

He had. Trying to decide whether he should feel annoyed or gratified by the question, Hope tried to hide his embarrassment by looking down at his hands. Absentmindedly twiddling his gloved fingers, he waited until he heard light snores coming from Snow's direction before getting up and stretching the limbs that were only now beginning to warm up.

Lightning had moved to one side of the cave, her back against the stone wall, head buried in her knees, damp pink hair grasped in thin hands like she was trying to rip it off her head. Hope felt his body seize at her posture - she looked like...

She's in pain.

The obviousness of the situation was so blatant he couldn't see why he hadn't seen it before. She was only snappy like that when she was struggling to hide something: her way of dealing with pain was by projecting it onto others. And suddenly, Hope was afraid to approach her, as much as he hated seeing her like that. Pathetically, he wondered if it was because he was scared of how she would react to him trying to help her. His fingers curled into small fists, finding Nue in his pocket, wishing the weapon could harm and destroy what was haunting her at the moment.

His feet shuffled forwards automatically until he was only a foot or two away from her, and from here, he could hear her heaving for breath, like she was running away from something. Running... from what? He would only have to hope he would be able to pry it from her.

"Light?" he croaked, unsure of whether to sit down beside her or not. She raised her head, looking at him under heavy dark pink bangs, staring at him critically. For a moment, a wild thought seized him: What if she doesn't recognize me? The thought was stupid, obviously, but he didn't understand the confusion and desperation in her eyes.

She brushed her hair back, raking her hands too hard into her scalp before she took another breath, looking away from him and out into the storm. "Light?" He repeated the one syllable her name lasted, hoping that this time, she would respond. Her silence hurt more than whatever words she could say. If she doesn't trust me... she won't say it.

"I heard you," she growled back quietly. A groan left her lips. "Urgh, Hope, it's not about you..." He found himself approaching her until his face was less than a foot from hers; settling himself on the cold ground in front of her, he locked gazes with her again, searching for the feelings he knew she was desperately trying to hide.

Indecision, guilt, confusion, and pain.

He was surprised, really, how easily he could read that from her expression so well now. Was it because he'd spent enough time caring about how she felt to know? Or was it because he wanted her to care just as much about him? He didn't really know anymore - suddenly wanting her protection and her guidance wasn't enough anymore. There had to be something he could do for her that would return the care she'd given to him.

"Can you tell me?" She flinched back, at even such a simple request. Forcing himself to continue, Hope took a breath before he ploughed on, suddenly more sure that this was the right thing to do. "We have to tell you over and over... stop bottling your feelings up, and ask the people that care about you for help."

He saw some degree of anger flood her teal eyes before she pushed it away. "It's just... we almost died again in Lahrima." Her voice dropped several decibels in volume, and her next words were barely audible. "Is this the right thing to do?"

Hope wanted to reach out for her, hold her hand, anything. But physical contact was the last thing she needed right now, and he spent a few moments pushing away that urge before he attempted a reasonable response.

"We've been through this before... haven't we? No one knows. But... we're all here together. And no one blames you."

She looked away. "That's so typical of you to say," she snapped back, sudden anger in her voice, and Hope flinched back at tone she'd taken so easily. "But will you continue to say the same thing if something happens? Something that we can't undo?"

Hope stared at her for a few long moments, unable to come up with something he knew would be satisfactory enough for her. Maker, Light... why do you have to doubt yourself like this? He wondered if she had felt like this before, on their journey. A sick feeling assaulted him when he realized that she wouldn't have trusted him... or anyone, enough to tell if she had.

And he could only take comfort in the fact that she trusted him enough to tell him now, a small victory in something that he knew he couldn't lose.

Lightning wanted to run.

She wanted to run away from those probing green eyes that were slowly ripping her hard, cold exterior away and revealing all of her doubts and insecurities that were just beginning to surface. She didn't want him to, but there was no way out of this one unless she said something. Realizing just how pathetic she'd become in just a few short months, she wanted to hide... Hide like the caterpillar that hid its ugly body in a hard shell, waiting to become something beautiful.

Except she didn't want to be something beautiful; she wanted to reform that cocoon that she had so carefully layered herself in the first time, before several events put enough cracks in it to make it fall off, showing her delicate, fragile interior that wasn't sure of what it wanted to become. She appreciated the fact that he cared, she really did. But just like Serah, he seemed to pick out her most vulnerable moments like the perfectionist gardener picking out the one imperfect blossom in a sea of roses.

It was awhile before he said anything to her last question, and in those moments that stretched on forever, she took the time to recompose herself.

"It wouldn't be your fault," he finally said, a slightly defeated tone in his quiet voice. "Light, we're not stupid. We all knew what we were getting into. Blaming you would be..."

Would be what?

"Wrong," he finished, finally looking back at her, green eyes tentative and scared. It hurt, especially when it hit her that he was scared of how she was going to react. I'm really pathetic... aren't I? That the people trying to help me have to be scared of how I take their comfort.

And it wasn't like his answer wasn't sufficient or anything... it just wasn't what she was looking for. She knew he was right, goddammit, but she also knew that if something did happen, she would never be able to detach herself from the moment.

"Is this... why you were so angry earlier?" he asked her quietly. Lightning felt shock seize her body as she sharply looked up, an unintended gasp escaping her lips. So he'd seen right through it - her fortitude, her brashness. She knew Serah had seen through it too - the look her sister had given her was all but one of reprimand and worry, but she didn't know Hope had too. There was no way she could even begin to process the simplicity of that one question when her instincts told her to tell him to shut up and go away; fighting it, all she could do was try not to cry out.

Just stop it...!

Her own denial at his attempt to help sickened her, really. She wanted to care about him; maybe more than she probably needed to, and here she was, trying to push away his return of her own reciprocated concern. Maybe Snow was right... I am an ungrateful bitch. Some form of her own inner torment must have shown on her face because she heard him make a sound of concern.

"Sorry..." The apology slipped out before she could stop it, before she could hate herself for showing yet more weakness in front of him.

"What for?" His question was innocent enough, if she could count distress as 'innocent'. "You didn't... snap at me."

No, but I'm trying to push you away when I know all you want to do is help.

"Look, Hope." Her voice came out gritted between her teeth, making her sound more menacing than she intended, making her sound more utterly cold than she wanted to be with him. "I know you care, and that's great. But I... I want to be alone." The plea was clear even though she hadn't added any words that suggested it.

He didn't listen to her though, instead acting like he hadn't heard, emerald eyes suddenly insistent and desperate. "Lightning, stop. Stop trying to hide." He looked scared and guilty the moment she raised her eyes angrily at his refusal, moving away from her, out of her reach. "You told me to create Operation NORA, to help me channel my pain into actions."

"That was because you needed help!" she burst out angrily, no longer caring if Serah and Snow were asleep only a few feet away from them. Something akin to fury, frustration, and utter despair slammed through into her chest, feeling like a ton of bricks being dropped onto her; pinned underneath, she was going to let her refusal to be helped get the better of her.

"You do too." The quiet insight stopped all other angry words Lightning wanted to screech in his direction, as he looked at her with sad, frightened eyes.

The fight left her body when she realized what he was looking at her with; closing her hands into fists, she fingered for her omega weapon, hoping that her gunblade would help calm the emotional gale she was trying to deal with. It didn't; it was only a cold metal blade that would serve to destroy harmful things in the physical world, but wouldn't even begin to tear away at the mental demons in her mind.

And it occurred to her just how pathetic she was when she knew that what she longed for most was someone to understand. She could never burden Serah with the amount of things in her mind, and Snow was dense enough to not understand any of it even if she slapped him in the face with them. And somehow... it bothered her that it was Hope that she would have to drop it on. I wanted you to live a happy life too. Not one punctuated by my messed up psyche.

"I'm scared. Okay? Does that make you feel better?" Lightning didn't mean to snap the words out like that, but it was the only way she knew how to communicate them to him without sounding like a worthless coward.

"Who isn't?" Hope's voice trembled a little, as she felt him scoot closer to her again. "We all are. So stop worrying. Whatever it is... we'll fight it too." He sounded as unsure as she felt, and she didn't have the strength to push him away again. She relaxed her hands on her knees as she gave up trying to soothe the unrelenting throbbing in her temples. Hope's body heat was uncomfortably close to hers, but instead of recoiling from it, Lightning found that she was able to take some form of solace that indeed, she wasn't alone.

There was only shock that permeated her exhausted, tormented frame when he gently pulled his arms around her this time, leaning his head against her throat. His silver hair tickled her neck, as she struggled to both accept and reject the gesture of comfort and appreciation.

Lightning no longer knew what to think anymore; trying to find her inner equilibrium as her feelings grappled with her judgment. It wasn't right for them like this; that much diffused through her, but on the other hand she didn't want to let go. Pressing the back of one hand to her mouth, she tried to control the accelerated breathing that her body adopted in the moment of physical contact, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her throat. The other, pathetically needy part of her accepted the gesture, wholly accepted it as something she had been starved for for a long time.

It was awhile before that part of her won, pushing back angrily at the soldier instinct inside and driving it to the corners of her mind. She didn't want to think anymore, didn't want to even consider what the consequences of giving in to her pitiful needs at the moment, whether it was the physical desire to feel appreciated or the emotional desperation to be comforted. She didn't want to consider anymore what she and Hope were supposed to be - at this moment, she didn't care: it didn't matter, and in this moment of weakness she allowed it. Gently, her left hand returned the shy, unsure gesture, draping over his shoulders, while she moved the other from her mouth, slender fingers finding the brand on his wrist as their hands locked.

Even if I show off my bravery and my strength,
I can't survive alone.
Our fateful promise from that day:
it reverberates deeply in my heart
As life goes on.

Okay, wow, so the most intense LightxHope moment I have done yet. :/

Not sure of how that's gonna turn out for you guys, but hopefully those who are here for that, well, it was good? xD I tried so hard to get both their emotions right: for Hope, it was drawing the line between where he's mature and where he's still just a kid, and for Light, it was balancing her "soldier sense" with the suppressed emotions she quickly let get the better of her. Anyways, hope I did ok.

Leave love as always in reviews, and I'll see you guys tomorrow, when we finally return to the plot! (I mean, okay, this was part of the plot too, but it's much more action orientated than this chapter)

Hearts!