So hey guys, and thanks for tuning into the next chapter of NR! n_n

Once again, big thank yous go to all my supporters: GCFarron, OscarMerrinoz96, Lightarcana, Zapper90, Crystal, That One Reviewee (awh, thank you, and well, let's just say the HxL development has only just started), thewhitespirit, and Mylaervain! And to H-thar, yay, I see a fellow HG fan! The idea of the bracelet definitely came from HG, but as a student on Co-op who has been to hospitals and mental institutes alike during her BPharm program WE, I've actually seen it on patients as well in some of the places I've been to, so I decided to go ahead and use it in my fic. And I've been drawing from several sources on how to correctly portray grief (and HG is one of them); everyone feels pain differently obviously, and my Psychology course books all describe the same signs and symptoms for major depressive disorder, so I've been trying to get as many different 'ideas' so to say, as possible.

As always, much love goes to my muse, LadyAlaska. :3

Anyways, enough of my garbage; I'll shut up now. Enjoy as always!

Chapter 47: Beyond the Tears

Waking up from a deep, dreamless state that she knew she had to have been in for quite awhile was no easier the second time around than the first. Pulling in a short, pained breath, Lightning found that it was easier than she expected it to be as her hazy vision opened into a grey ceiling dotted with black, lit by some dim lighting several feet away. Something was still over her face, and even in the sedative induced half consciousness, the throb of pain that invaded her reality every time she was awake was already present. Someone must have been monitoring her, because there were only a few minutes that passed before a nurse in mint green scrubs came over, carefully looking at the cardiac monitor she had to have been hooked up to.

"Hm... you're doing nicely right now. Though we've been expecting you to wake up for awhile now. So, hun, tell me how you're feeling." The nurse sounded pleasantly surprised before prying the mask off her face and detaching several wires taped onto her skin.

Once again, Lightning found it impossible to do what she'd been asked. The words wouldn't come - they caught in her throat before they could make it past, and she found the all too familiar grief threatening to bury her again. She didn't see how there was a way around the despairing emptiness that had to be all that was left of her. She didn't see how she would ever stop thinking about Serah, didn't see how she would ever stop hurting. There was only one difference this time - instead of the dead lifelessness she'd felt in her lower body since her sister's death, she could feel the cloth of the hospital gown under her legs, and the weight of the heavy blankets piled at her feet. The thought terrified her.

The nurse took her silence for obedience, and she cheerfully hummed a tune, pushing the hospital gurney towards some exit Lightning couldn't see, chattering away obliviously. "Your friends are waiting outside, but I've got instructions to take you back to your room before I let them in, alright? You'll have to stay at the hospital for a few more days, but the doctors told me to tell you that if you can stand for them, then you're as good as new." The nurse probably thought that that would be some sort of good news for her, because she smiled down brightly, but all Lightning could feel was the familiar hurt beginning to eat away at her again. I don't want...

She let the medical staff do what they wanted to her, pushing and pulling limbs in an effort to move her back onto the bed in the familiar room, the only other place she'd seen since her sister's death, letting them fuss over her hair before finally flicking off the light and leaving her in the twilight darkness with a cheerful promise that Hope and Snow would be on their way soon. The door clicked shut before she was finally alone in the silence, leaving her with the same dull throbbing ache in her abdomen and a newer tear of pain in her back. Tiredly, she noted that the plastic bracelet around her left wrist was still there, but everything else had been removed - clearly, they expected her to eat and drink by herself now. Curling up, pulling her knees to her chest, she pressed her forehead against them. The sensation still felt strange; it was like her body had grown used to the disuse of her lower body, but the warmth provided by her curled up position was somewhat comforting.

It was a long time before she moved, disturbed by the sound outside the door. Suddenly, Lightning wasn't sure anymore that she wanted to see anyone, but it was too late now. The telltale thumps of Snow entering along with softer footsteps had already sounded and she could as easily hide now as bring back the sun from behind the mountains. Remaining with her head against her knees, she heard the intake of breath.

"Light...? You're okay now... right?" Hope's tentative voice brought what had happened that morning back - his desperate plea that they wanted her back, that they wanted her home. I don't know... I don't want... The feel of their joined fingers had calmed her this morning, but right now, all she felt was claustrophobic - the room was too small. But this time, she didn't want to run anymore. She'd already accepted that there was no way to detach herself from any sort of emotion associated with Serah's death. Lightning felt pathetically useless - there was no way they still wanted her to fight. When she had accepted the constant throb of pain that Serah wasn't coming back, she found that all she wanted to do was to sit there. She didn't want to fight.

Someone's hands pulled at her own that were wrapped around her lower legs, and she felt the bed sink an inch or two. The motion jostled what the operation had done to her this morning, but she didn't make a sound, neither fighting nor accepting the grip. "Light?" Part of her wanted to tell Hope to leave - she knew he was trying to help but... But if I'm never going to forget... he should stop wasting his time and energy on me.

There was a clearing of a throat. "Sis? Sis... look, I'm sorry." Snow's voice was unusually subdued and quiet, but she didn't look up. Just... leave me alone. "I'm sorry for what I said. Goddamn, Sis, I know you tried to save her - you wouldn't be here if you didn't. So... please?"

She didn't understand what he was asking of her, finally pushing her pink bangs off the back of her knees, raising her head a few inches until she could see both of them, her chest still pressed against her thighs. "What... do you want?" Her own voice was a hoarse croak, and she saw Snow flinch.

It was Hope who replied. "We still... need you."

No, you don't! She tried to push him away then, but he didn't let go of her fingers. Too tired to fight back, slowly, she found herself being forced to look at Snow again. "You don't... No one does."

The instant she whispered the last syllable she saw Snow take several steps in her direction until he was just in front of her, looking down at her. Lightning found herself involuntarily backing away from him until her back was pressed against the bed and there was nowhere left to go. The look in his eyes didn't hold anger though - it sent something akin to shock to see that it held sadness and pity. She knew exactly how far she'd fallen when she realized that she couldn't even find the anger inside for pitying her. Slowly, Snow bent down until they were at eye level.

"Sis... Lightning, look." He took a breath. "I know... I know she's gone. But don't you want to avenge her? Don't you want to see that she didn't die in vain? Maker, I know it hurts... that we'll never see her again, never hear her again, never enjoy her smiling again. But you're still here, and I know you can still fight."

She wanted to screech at him to stop. The moment he mentioned Serah was like he'd taken up a sword on her again. She didn't need more reminders, didn't need him to keep reminding her of who was gone with every word. And... I can't fight anymore...

"Please?" Hope's quiet, soft plea was close to her.

"Sis, we really need you. Where's the soldier attitude when I'm looking for it?"

His pained attempt at a joke made something snap inside. She didn't know what the word 'soldier' had touched, but whatever it was, it triggered the reaction she knew had been lurking somewhere all day, waiting to strike. Wrenching her hand out of Hope's grasp, she found herself dry heaving against the sudden shortness of breath, one hand pressed to her chest, the other wrapped around her middle, like holding it would alleviate the pain. "Just... stop it! Stop... Get out." It was suddenly hard to gasp out the words as the same exhausted lethargy of not being able to fight back, of not being able to escape flooded back, like clouds unable to contain a rainstorm. "Just... leave me alone."

There was no argument, but she felt and heard Snow drop something near her bed before silence consumed the air around her. It was a couple of minutes before she realized that the only sounds of breathing in the room were her own. There were several pills in a small, clear ziplock bag on the table beside the bed. Lightning didn't hesitate to reach out a shaking hand for them, closing slim, trembling fingers around the plastic. If they'd left pills out in the open like that... it had to be okay for her to take them... right?

It was hard to swallow, pushing the bitter capsules down her raw throat, but afterwards, she found that it warded off some of the rising panic and her breathing was easier. There was only one thing to do now, and that was to lie back and wait for the drugs to take effect, hoping that for once, sleep would be some form of solace.

She didn't have to wait long.

Snow sat down on the chair at Command, finger clenched around a water bottle, trying to resist the temptation to pour the entire contents of the bottle over his head. Maker... I didn't expect her to be... He didn't expect her to be so utterly trapped in the grips of her own depression. It wasn't that he didn't feel sad... didn't go a day without thinking about Serah, but he found that after his talk with Sazh, he could think about her and think about something happy in the same thought again. He wanted to remember their happiness, not wallow in despair that he'd never see her again. While that was still there, he found that being busy... doing something to achieve what she'd fought for, helped. He could bury his pain in the desire to fight back.

But Lightning couldn't. Whatever it was... she couldn't detach herself from the pain that way. It might have had something to do with the hospital... maybe it was an all too familiar reminder of why exactly Serah was gone, but it didn't matter. Without something else to think about, she'd let the pain engulf her, wholly merging with her existence. He knew he'd had something to do with it, but... But I thought Hope was going to fix that.

The thought had barely finished before he mentally slapped himself. What am I doing... pinning that sort of thing onto a kid?

"Hey... Snow?" Hope's tentative voice was close to his shoulder, and he pushed his hair back again before replying.

"Yeah...?" He found himself looking into Hope's scared green eyes.

It was awhile before the teenager replied. "Are you going back... tomorrow?" The hospital? Maker, no. Maybe he was selfish and childish, but there was a part of him that didn't want to see Lightning like that. However, he couldn't let that show in front of Hope.

"Do you want me to?" He hoped he didn't sound too reluctant. Maker, Sis... why?

Hope had taken the hint anyways, regardless of how small he'd tried to make it. "No... I'll go alone." The silver haired teenager cast him an understanding look. "It's hard... seeing her like that." His voice choked a little on the last sentence, and Snow pressed the sides of his hands into his cheekbones, rubbing the skin there.

"No kidding..." Snow let out a long sigh. "Don't you... you know. Aren't you scared of... well, if she snaps?"

The look in Hope's eyes was so haunted Snow wanted to run away. "It doesn't matter if she does... You just keep trying, until you think you can reach her again." Despite the look, Snow heard the determined tone in his voice, and he reached over a big hand to ruffle the platinum looks, earning him a small, sad smile.

"Good luck." He's going to need it. For sure. Maker... please make things easier on him... on all of us.

Hope watched the slow rise and fall of Lightning's chest as she breathed, still asleep. Dully, he noted that they hadn't taken off the plastic bracelet on her wrist, but he didn't dare move from his position by the window, the curtains drawn back for the first time since he'd been here, allowing the morning light to fully permeate the room, flooding it with brightness. There were several doctors scribbling away on notepads, but he didn't want to know. All I want to know is... if she'll be okay. He'd already seen that she could move her lower body - the way she'd been curled up the day before had reminded him, painfully, once again, of the moment back in the cave outside the Ice Cliff Palace. The one time he'd seen her look utterly defeated. That was what she reminded him of yesterday.

Eventually, most of the doctors left the room, leaving him, once again, alone with the doctor that had spoken to him yesterday. Hope saw him shake her shoulder, and instantly he wanted to shout at him to stop it - there was only one time now when Lightning reminded him of her old self, and that was when she was asleep. But it was too late; he could hear the doctor murmuring something to her, even though he couldn't pick out the individual words. Surprisingly, Hope saw her allow him to pull her up, gently and slowly. It was only then he saw the dull, lifeless look in her eyes and he knew that this was not one of her 'better days'. This was one of the days where she let pain and grief utterly bury her, saying nothing, fighting back against nothing. He couldn't shake off the feeling that their visit yesterday had had something to do with her current mental condition.

It was awhile before the doctor slowly let go of her arm, leaving her to stand by herself, the back of her legs pressed against the side of the hospital bed. For some reason, Hope wasn't surprised that shakily, she was able to support her own weight. There was a note of triumph in the doctor's voice when he next spoke - only this time, he could hear the words.

"Good! Now... will you walk a few steps for me?" It was a few moments before Lightning made any sort of response, but finally she took a ginger step forwards. She stumbled, but even Hope could see that it wasn't because her back hadn't been repaired properly. The urge to catch her before she collapsed to the ground was instant, but the doctor got to her before he could.

There was a broad smile on the doctor's face that for some reason, sickened him. "Excellent!" He was scribbling away on his notepad, balancing the board on the arm that held her upright, and it was a few minutes before anyone else spoke. "You're fit to go home tomorrow, Ms. Farron, if you're so inclined. You'll just have to come back in two weeks to get the stitches removed, but other than that, you're as good as new." Letting go of her, he strode out the room, closing the door behind him, leaving Hope to guide her back to the bed. He could tell she had barely processed what the doctor had said to her, and slowly, his fingers found hers again, gently prying her slender digits out of their tight fists at her side.

"There... Light. See, you can come home now." It was awhile before she made some sort of acknowledgment that she'd heard him, slowly turning her head to look at him. In that instant, he knew she'd understood. It was only that she didn't want to.

"I'm scared..." The same words she'd said to him before they'd taken her for surgery. Her other hand was pressed against her mouth, the one he was holding tightening around his fingers. Slowly, he returned the small gesture.

"You're safe now... okay? Look, Snow even brought you something yesterday." He didn't know if it was the right time to show her - for all he knew all he could be doing was making things worse, but it had to be better than watch her lose herself in pain and fear again: this time, there were no sedatives in sight. Without letting go of her, he reached under the bed to the cloth bag Snow had stowed there the day before. It only held two things, and Hope desperately wished that one of them would be enough to convince her that they still needed her.

The first thing was her necklace - the lightning bolt pendant that the medics had obviously taken from her neck, and it had ended up back at the Corps Building. The rest of what could be salvaged from her uniform was at home, but the necklace was what one of the commanding officers there had given back to him personally, with a request to return it to her. He saw her other hand tighten around the small, silver pendant, crushing the small metal links in the chain. Her small exhalation made him look up, suddenly terrified of what it could mean. Instead he saw the slow trails of tears down her face, gently dotting her skin with the small drops.

"Light?" She didn't reply, and he didn't press her for one. When he felt her grip on him tighten, he didn't fight it, letting her still-strong grasp crush his fingers under hers. It hurt, but having her project her pain was better than her holding it in. They sat like that for awhile, him letting her cry out pain he knew she had to be still holding in. When she finally looked up again, Hope was relieved to see that her blue eyes were somewhat clearer, and she didn't fight it when he slowly pulled the necklace from her now lax hand and fastened it around her neck.

There was something like a warm embarrassment that flooded him when his fingers brushed the back of her neck when he finally clipped the ends of the chain together, and the feeling intensified when he realized she was letting him. Moving away from her once he was done, he looked down at his hands, feeling the familiar flush of heat beginning to creep up the sides of his neck. It was a pleasant surprise when her hand found his again, like he was something to hold on to. If that's the case... then I don't mind. I want to be more than someone she's just 'glad she's met'.

Slowly, he found himself holding her blue gaze. There were still the shadows of pain in them, but it was less lifeless, and if he was honest... with her signature necklace now back around her neck, she looked more like herself. Hesitantly, he reached for the bag that he'd left behind him on the bed. It was significantly heavier than the small chain he'd removed from it earlier, and it was more of a challenge to hold it steady with one hand, and this time, he didn't take it out; instead choosing to place the bag on her lap.

"That's... yours too." He wasn't sure if she was ready for it yet, and suddenly, fear slammed into him - what if she wasn't? He let her open it at her own pace, fingers hesitant and unsure as she slowly pried the mouth of the bag open. Her sharp, suddenly pained gasp made him look up with alarm. He had known what it was, but he could tell she hadn't been expecting what was in it, and suddenly the look in her eyes scared him again.

She was holding her omega weapon so tightly with her hands that her knuckles were white against its handle, the black and white striped metal quivering in her trembling hands. "Why...?" Those were the only words she'd said in awhile, her voice quavering and hoarse. Slowly, Hope placed his hands over hers, tightening her hold on the weapon.

"It belongs... to you. That's why."

Snow pushed aside the papers that littered the desk in the Command Room, frustrated that they had gotten no new leads on Yorun's whereabouts since they'd figured out that his intended "initiation place" was Cocoon. The man seemed to have disappeared after he'd swiped the last crystal at the Ice Cliff Palace, and there hadn't been any sign of him since. Serah... I'll avenge your death. That I promise. The same echo of pain swept across him whenever he thought of her, but instead of crippling him, in the three weeks since she'd died, he felt it empower him instead.

He was no stranger to loss, and only the Maker knew that he'd hold onto her forever. But it was like Sazh had said - the more he let the pain and anger consume him, the less of him he actually was. I can actually... think about her now and remember what we had. I can think about that as a happiness that once was... a lifetime before that had held joy in it. Maybe he wouldn't be 'happy' again in the sense of the word, but he found that over time, he could detach himself from the pain of her death and focus on the months they'd had together. It's the one thing that keeps me going. He found himself thinking of her shy optimism and her warm, easy smile whenever he felt bogged down by life that still tied him to this earth. It was his own sort of painkiller - sure, the memory came with the pang of pain that he would never see that again before his eyes, it was still as Sazh had said. She lived on while he lived, even as fond, bittersweet memories.

A sudden blare of an alarm jolted him out of his thoughts as Snow stood up, curling his hands into fists. Around him, he could see the other soldiers beginning to stand as well. Studying their expressions, he found icy determination flood his consciousness. Something's attacking. I'm sure of it. Over the shouts, a grunt came running in, panting.

"Eden! The capital's being overrun by those clones!" The sharp command of the officer with the blue stripes had stood up on his chair to shout over the noise that the news had brought.

"Soldiers, find your commanding officers immediately and prepare to sortie!" The emptying of the room in command was so fast that Snow could have sworn it had only been a minute, at most, before most of the soldiers were gone and an unsettling silence had swamped the room. He turned when he heard the sound of boots coming towards him.

"We'll need you at home here, Snow. Can you bring... er, Lightning Farron here? She's out of the hospital, correct?" Snow shifted uncomfortably at the question. Yes, she was home... but all she'd done, according to Hope, who he'd finally dragged out of the house after two or three days, was sit by the window, only moving to eat or drink, barely speaking. She wasn't really any better, and he winced when Hope had recounted for him the episode in which he'd given her back her gunblade. She'd stared at it for a few moments before she'd pushed it away from her, crying that she couldn't fight again. Afterwards, she'd refused to say another word, and Hope had trailed off awkwardly there.

"Is there something wrong?" The questioning glance made Snow feel like the officer knew everything.

"Well... she isn't exactly in the best mental condition right now..." His own voice sounded pathetic, but the officer seemed to understand.

"Try anyways. Maybe something so close to home will convince her to help."

He'd had no choice but to agree, but part of him hoped that they could, indeed, convince her. Running from the room, Snow found Hope in the pile of materials and history books before dragging him out, making for the exit. Hope hadn't resisted until they were outside in the setting afternoon sun and he'd started in the direction of home.

"Where are we going?" the teenager asked, panting to keep up with him.

Snow set his eyes directly on the cliff in the distance past the other building constructed on the Gran Pulse soil, the cliff where their house was, and he steeled his voice before replying. "To get Lightning."

Her back pressed against the cold window, the setting sun hot on the back of her neck, Lightning was determined not to fall asleep. She'd kept herself in the most uncomfortable position as possible ever since she'd let Hope help her struggle home, and she'd barely moved since, one leg tucked under her, the toes of the other brushing the cold wooden floorboards. There was no incentive to fight back, and she'd thrown the omega weapon onto one of the couches where it was out of her sight, unable to even look at it.

The only reason she'd let Hope fasten her necklace around her throat was because... she needed him. It had been a long time, but even now, even in the waking days that seemed to have no end to the amount of pain they could hold, she had realized... she needed his support. His and no one else's. He didn't look at her with the pity Snow had, and every single time, even as she pushed him away, she knew that he'd only been trying to help. Why... am I so pathetic? Why can't I...

Closing her eyes, Lightning tried to let the contrast of warmth and cold on her back distract her from the pained emptiness that was still the only thing that existed inside. There wasn't even physical pain to distract her now - the stitches in her abdomen only pulled when she moved too suddenly, the pain too little of a constant ache to even hold a light to the dull pain that still throbbed with every heartbeat in her chest. She had no energy to move, no energy to do what she knew Hope and Snow wanted her to do - fight. What's the point...? There's no one to fight for anymore... Yorun could kill her for all she cared. At least then... I'll see Serah again. The small nag in her stomach made a rebuttal to that thought, and briefly, she wondered what her suicidal thoughts would do to Hope if she actually carried through with it. It felt odd to know, in the small cavern at the back of her mind that still processed everyday things, that the thought disturbed her.

She hadn't had the strength or will to actually carry out her thoughts, feeling lethargy consume what hadn't been by the continued pain and anguish. Pulling a thin blanket around the shoulders that weren't covered by the black spaghetti tank top, she didn't even bother to rake out the tangles in her pink hair that had been messily thrown over her left shoulder. It... doesn't matter anymore.

Lightning wanted to scream her pain out, but there was no one who understood. Snow had to have gone through the same pain she had, but Snow was Snow. She wasn't. She couldn't deal with it the way he could. He didn't let it press down on him, consume him, let it take over every thought and emotion, and in some ways, she was jealous of that. She couldn't let go of it, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't accept the pain itself, even though she had accepted that it would never cease to be a part of her. She wasn't able to detach it from herself - she was weak enough to let it erode the strong soldier inside her, the one that had been taught to control all feelings, to put cognition before emotion.

Dropping her chin to her chest, letting pink bangs cover her face and obscure her vision, Lightning wondered how she would continue to exist. Was every day going to be like this - monotone, despairing, and inescapable? Was the only way to keep going to not move forward at all, to just sit there and wait for the pain and emptiness to finally claim her? She had just buried her head in her hands, her fingernails digging into the scalp underneath the cherry coloured hair when she heard a key scrape in the lock.

No... please...

*takes a breath*

Hm... this wasn't quite as hard to write as I thought it would be, surprisingly, Lightning came off much more naturally than I expected her to be. Maybe I'm just getting used to her mindset, but putting down her thoughts and emotions was much easier than last time. But then again... maybe it's because Hope, err, helped me out a bit? :3 Ha, well... I'll let you guys interpret that as you will.

Anyways, as usual with my Friday updates, I promise at least one chapter this weekend, so, stay tuned. Leave love in reviews as always, and I'll see you guys next time!

Hearts!