So hi guys, and thanks for tuning into the next chapter of NR. (:

And once again, I begin with my thanks for my reviewers: Mylaervain, OscarMerrinoz96, thewhitespirit, Lightarcana, GCFarron (yes! nice number penchants ftw, and thank you SO much for all your support) H-thar (ahh, yes, I definitely plan to go into the healthcare profession, and I totally agree with the BR sentiment -.-), That One Reviewee (haha, yes, unfortunately certain people just have terrible expectations of others) Crystal, and Zapper90! I could not have made it this far without all of your love. :3 And to LadyAlaska... all I can say in this chapter, is "sandwiches" (sorry, inside joke xD).

One more thing: I did use a couple lines off a song again - credit goes to This is a Beautiful World, by Aaron Brotherton.

Anyways... if you guys thought the last chapter was heavy on HxL, and you liked it, well... all I can say is, enjoy.

Chapter 48: Beautiful World

Lightning didn't raise her head from her hunched position by the window when she heard the door open. There was no point; instead, she buried her face into the cotton of the grey sweatpants she usually wore to bed, hoping that the smell of the laundry detergent would be enough of a distraction, feeling the same emptiness beginning to choke her the moment her vision was obscured by the thick cloth. It didn't work.

Someone's hands shook her roughly, but it was a few moments before she forced herself to look up, finding the ocean blue eyes of Snow. His expression was impossible to read, but he didn't let go of her until she lowered her feet to the ground, removing her grip from her knees. All that did was leave her hands to clutch the blanket tighter around her, feeling the fuzzy, rough wool scrape against her bare shoulders. In her current condition, she couldn't have predicted his next move.

He pulled her into a standing position, pressing her back against the window. And in her weakened, lethargic state, she could as easily push his grip off of her shoulders as she could forget about Serah. There was no anger in his eyes, only a determination that she knew masked some other intent.

"Sis." Snow's voice was stern. "This... has to stop. You have to stop blaming yourself, you have to stop hating yourself. You think Serah would want to see you like this? You think Serah would want to see you beating yourself up like this every single flipping day? Tell me!" His last words contained the anger and frustration she knew he felt, and he let go of her. Without the support and with the painful backlash that Snow's words brought, she sank to her knees, arms hugging herself, clenching the blanket to her slender from.

"Shut up... Shut up!" Her words didn't have the volume that she wanted it to have, her own pain choking back the words. She wanted him to stop talking, wanted him to stop reminding her about her sister with every other word that left his mouth. Does he... have to remind me? Does he have to... Lightning was surprised she could feel a spark of anger stab through the desolate flat and empty landscape her emotions now consisted of. "Snow... stop talking." Please...

"No. Sis, look at yourself. And I mean, really look at yourself." He squatted down to her eye level. "I know it hurts. I know it hurts that she's never coming back. But life goes on. Maker, I know I'll never forget her, and I know you'll never forget her... but you're still here. Does that... make sense?"

She didn't want it to. She knew what he was saying but she didn't want to listen, didn't want it to make sense. Lightning felt only pain and guilt whenever she thought of Serah - she could never bring herself to detach that pain from her, to pull away from the emotions that grappled with her for every word and every movement. It scared her when she realized that she was afraid to sort out those feelings, that she was afraid...

I'm afraid of it being my fault. She was scared of it being her that had killed Serah. Serah had only gone with her because she had been concerned about her. If Serah hadn't gone with her... Would she still be alive now? Lightning didn't know how many times she wished she could have swapped places with her sister, didn't know how many times she would have willingly given her own life for Serah.

"The problem is... you already thought you did." The wry comment made her glance up, finally. She didn't know how much of her thoughts she'd voiced aloud in her current state, but if Snow was able to piece together that reply, then she had to have said something. He was still just a bit more than a foot away from her, looking at her with his own eyes full of sadness. "Look, Sis. We all know what you did for her. I couldn't have done more if it were me... but you're missing the point here. The point is... she loved you as much as you loved her. That's what motivated her to summon her Eidolon to save you, because I know she didn't want to see you getting hurt again because of her. So... it's not your fault, okay? Stop beating yourself up and start living again."

Backing away from him, slowly, unsteadily rising to her feet, Lightning found herself holding her blanket to her tighter than she had been before, sinking back into her spot at the window. Raising her tired blue eyes, she saw Hope standing awkwardly to one side, perched on the edge of one of the sofas. At first, she didn't understand his apprehensive, scared look, until she realized that he was scared Snow's words were going to push her over the mental boundary again. Snow had pulled himself into a standing position again, and she shrank back against the window, seeing him look down at her once more. Looking inside, Lightning realized that she still felt pain, and she still felt empty, but...

But Snow... what he said... is the one thing I want to believe. She wanted to believe it so badly, that Serah's death wasn't her fault, that her sister's death had been... It made her realize just how pathetic she was when she knew she couldn't believe that. No matter what anyone else said or thought, Lightning knew that she would never stop thinking about how she could have done more to protect her sister. A small rustle - a new sound, came from her left.

"Light?" Hope's voice was tentative yet strong at the same time, like he was sure of what he was going to say, only that he wasn't sure of how she was going to react to it. Slowly, she forced herself to look at him, watching wearily as he approached her, finally settling himself at her knees. "I know... You'll never stop thinking about it. But you can't let it control your life. Remember? How you live is up to you... are you really going to let this be the one thing that pushes you down every time? Death is hard... and none of us will forget Serah. But if you never let yourself move on... how are you going to find something that will make it better?"

Finally, finally, she felt Hope's last words make something inside snap, and the instant rush of tears that she could no longer hold back came. Feeling them on her cheeks and on her skin, Lightning let herself cry, let the part of her she'd always kept hidden away take control, letting the emotion completely override her when she stopped trying to forget the pain and the emptiness and just let it go. Serah, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I want to know that wherever you are, you're happy. That... that I... That I tried to protect you. But this time, instead of the tears only serving as a silent expression of the pain she could no longer accept, she let the tears become her outlet. The sob was wrenched from her lips, but this time, she didn't try to hold it back.

She felt someone's hand tighten on hers, and she heard Hope's soft voice. "Let it out... We can only help you if you let us know you're in pain." Against what she had been taught, and against what her instinct told her to do, she let her emotions become her complete exterior, finally exposing her inner fragility now that her outer, cold exterior could no longer deal with the reality she had to face. When Claire couldn't handle things anymore... she gave in to Lightning. But when something came along that Lightning couldn't deal with... maybe it's time to try to let Claire accept what Lightning couldn't. The thought was arbitrary, but right now, she could think of no other alternative, no other solution to the storm of emotions that was still raging inside.

So when Hope gently pulled his arms around her, slipping past her waist under the blanket that was still around her shoulders, his hands meeting in between her shoulder blades, she didn't just accept his embrace - she returned it, pulling her arms around his middle, feeling his hair tickle her skin just underneath her chin. Closing her eyes, Lightning let herself go in that moment, letting herself feel the emotions she'd tried to hide from.

There was no way to ever let go of all the pain of Serah's death, and she knew she would have to accept that. She tried to let Hope and Snow's words sink into her, that life went on, even without Serah. That even without Serah, she could continue to exist in a way that didn't involve her being buried in grief and torment. It wasn't easy... it was never going to be easy, but she tried to let it sink in. She tried to brand it into her mind that no matter what she did, no matter how much she grieved and hated herself, Serah was never coming back. The thought still made her feel empty, even with Hope's promise that there was something else to live for.

She would have to find it, and Lightning tried to make that her new mentality, her new inner purpose. To find something... I want to live for. Impossible as it sounded, she knew she would have to do it. Even if it took her the rest of her life to find, she knew she had to find some way to keep going... For once, Snow was right. Life went on, whether she liked it or not... even without her sister. Even if she had failed to protect her.

You do have someone else to fight for.

The small thought wormed its way into her mind when she thought about protecting people. Hope. He'd stayed with her, tried to comfort her, even in her worst moments of depression, even when she screamed and fought against his help. The warm embrace pressed against her reminded her that he was still someone she needed to protect... He's still... The older confusion about them couldn't help but make a small reappearance. She still didn't know what they were supposed to be, but inexorably, she found that the weeks he'd stayed with her - even though she wasn't conscious or aware for most of it - had driven them closer. The way she instinctively reached out for him when she needed someone... The mutual need had driven them together, and it was present even in this embrace. The warmth and support that it provided was something she needed desperately... and Lightning knew she wouldn't be the first to pull away.

It was a long time before they finally let go, before she finally found herself looking into his emerald green eyes, finding a shy relief in his verdant gaze. Snow had a sad, indulgent smile on his face - perhaps he was thinking about Serah, and instantly, she felt guilty again, the pain rushing in to refill the space that the few moments of comfort the embrace had given her. But this time, instead of letting it overrun her feelings, she fought back, trying to push it away, knowing that was what she should be trying to do. It remained a dull ache, but this time, taking a breath, Lightning realized that with their words, she was finally able to see past it somewhat, to not let it crowd into everything she did.

"I hate to break such an emotional moment... but we, er... have somewhere to be." Snow's voice still sounded distant and hollow, but she tried to focus on it, tried to find the soldier sense that had left her in the weeks since Serah's death.

"What?"

Snow scrutinized her for a few heartbeats before cracking his knuckles. "Apparently those creeps are attacking Eden. The commanding officer at the Corps Building wanted me to bring you to Command."

Closing her eyes, Lightning tried not to let the simple sentence get to her. It was so, so hard not to just give into the pain that still clawed at her interior, especially when Snow had mentioned it was them. The subtle implication of the request to 'bring her' made its way into her mind, and suddenly, she felt as scared of what was going to come as she'd ever been. I... I'm not ready to fight...

"Sis... I know it's gonna be hard. But we're not going to go to Eden. He just wanted me to bring you, aight?" The big blond's voice was burly, but it held uncharacteristic concern. Trying to suppress the panic that was starting to rise again, Lightning took a breath, fighting the indecision and irrational anguish that came with the request. It's just a... I don't have to... She didn't trust herself enough to speak, instead - she gave Snow a soundless nod.

His face cracked into a small, sad smile. "Thanks, Sis. Go, uh... get yourself cleaned up and, well, I'll show you something before we leave." Slowly, she pulled herself to her feet, accepting Hope's subtle offer of support. When she staggered a little standing up, she saw him look at her with renewed concern.

"Do you need help going up the stairs?"

Hope's request had caught her off guard, and for a moment, Lightning didn't know what to say. Slowly raising a hand to press against her face, she tried to push away the onslaught of emotions the simple question had managed to trigger. She didn't know whether she was supposed to push away the request or to feel appreciated enough that he cared. The thought that he cared brought on a painful echo. It's something... Serah would have asked. The thought of Serah made her reject, internally, the offer of help.

"No. I-I'll be okay." For the first time since she'd gotten home, she set her eyes on the stairs to the upper level of the house, suddenly daunted by their height even though they were familiar.

"Your other stuff is in your room, Sis!" Snow called after her. Her ascent up the carpeted stairs were slow, and Lightning felt out of breath when she finally reached the top. The upper level of the house felt hauntingly empty - it was exactly as she remembered as they'd left it before leaving, and suddenly, that thought was overwhelming. Serah... Pushing the flash of emotions and memories away, she made her way to the bathroom, flicking on a light with trembling fingers.

It had been awhile since she'd looked at herself in a mirror, but even she hadn't expected the creature in front of her in the reflective surface. Dull pink hair tangled into knots, pale skin stretched tightly over her cheeks, contrasting horribly with the black tank top, and dark, purplish shadows under her eyes. What bothered her what that the sight of her own image didn't disturb her as much as she thought it would. Slowly pressing still shaking hands to the mirror, Lightning took a breath, trying to calm the sudden onrush of painful emotions that threatened to snap the delicate emotional balance that she had barely managed to maintain.

Splashing water on her face helped, and slowly, she pulled a comb through the petal pink tendrils, undoing the worst of the knots. There wasn't really anything to be done about her skin; leaving the bathroom, Lightning unsteadily made her way into her room, hesitantly opening the door, suddenly unsure of what to expect, doubt twisting her stomach into a nervous knot.

The first thing that leapt out at her was the sight of a silver curved blade lying on top of a neatly folded pile of cloth on her bed, the shiny edge touched into a golden rosiness in the sunset. The sight of her survival knife sent every single carefully controlled emotion into overdrive, sending her crashing to her knees, one arm wrapped around her middle, the other palm flat against the floorboards. No... No!

The one small weapon embodied everything... every single thing she'd done wrong with Serah, every single bitter and painful regret, and Lightning felt the familiar tidal wave of pain and hollowness wrack her slender frame. The palm flat on the floor curled into a fist as she tried to control it, tried to not let the pain become everything again, but there were only a few heartbeats between her own desperate struggle against it and the time it took for the inner anguish to actually take control, wrestling a pained cry from her lips. She heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and the door to her room banged open not ten seconds later.

Slowly, Hope's hands found hers, and she allowed him to pull her into a kneeling position, no longer on her hands and feet on the ground. Feeling her heartbeat in her throat, and the breathing that was too heavy, Lightning tried to find the one stationary thing in her room, to give her something else to try to focus on. She found it a few moments later, fixing her gaze on the heavy wine coloured curtain dangling from the large window just across the room from her, trying to use the texture of the inert fabric as a metronome for her breathing.

"Light... are you okay?" His voice sounded scared and apprehensive, and she realized it was because she was staring at the maroon material across the room. She took another breath before looking at him, trying to push down the panicked hurt that had come so quickly at such a small trigger.

"Sorry..." The word slipped out before she could stop it, and she saw him stare at her, confusion and fear in his green eyes. Before he could say anything, the rest of her vulnerability came out. "Hope... I'm sorry... I-I'm not the person you wanted me to be... I'm not the person you looked up to." It was suddenly hard to push words out of her throat, feeling like every letter tore at the back of it. "I know you wanted to help me, and I..." And this time, try as she might, the tears came anyways.

He was still on his knees beside her, but the first gentle touch at her face, pushing away the wet trails that the tears left, still surprised her. But instead of the touch feeling invasive and offending, instead of slapping the contact away like the old Lightning might have, she found that she wanted him to comfort her. The touch was so light it might have been phantom, but it was there, and instead of anger at his hands, she could only find an embarrassed warmth, but the latter was definitely the dominant part of the gesture, and it was proven when he removed his fingers - she felt an abandoned coldness where there had been contact just a moment before.

He scooted until he was just in front of her, his hands now awkwardly in front of him, but she found herself holding his gaze. Lightning realized she was waiting for him to say something... she found that she wanted the comfort she knew he was going to give.

"Don't. Don't go there, alright?" She found her hands captive in his again, but this time, she made no move to wrench herself away. "Light... I need you just as much, alright? So... like Snow said, stop hating yourself, stop blaming yourself. Move forwards, not back... okay?"

This time, the embrace was mutual. Both of them on their knees, there wasn't much of a height difference as she found his arms pull around her back, brushing the ends of her cherry coloured hair while hers grazed the thin, filmy fabric of the teal scarf. Only this time, it wasn't just her looking for comfort - she felt him drop his head onto her shoulder, his cheek pressed against the bare skin not covered by the tank top.

"Light... don't leave again... okay? I was scared too... I thought I'd lose you because you wouldn't ever come back..." His voice trailed off, and she could feel the vibration of his voice against her frame. Slowly, she allowed the embrace to tighten for a few heartbeats that might have lasted only a fraction of that, or maybe something much, much longer, before she pulled back to look at him, their arms still wrapped loosely around each other.

"I'll try," she whispered quietly before she saw a small smile finally twitch at his lips. For some reason, the expression tugged at something inside, feeling warmth creep up both her neck and somewhere deep inside. Unsteadily rising to her feet again, she found herself unconsciously brushing away a stray silver tendril of hair that had fallen into his eyes sometime during their embrace. He cast her an awkward glance before edging his way to the door, murmuring one last comment before he shut it behind him, seeing that she now looked okay.

"I'll make you some food... okay? You have to eat it."

The comment had almost made her want to laugh a little, before the familiar emptiness had rushed in when the warmth was gone. Wearily, Lightning pulled off the thin black tank top, and the sight of the pink scar, still pulled together in some places with black thread, just above her silver navel piercing that was mirrored on both her abdomen and back almost made her feel sick again. Like... like a reminder of Serah I'll always carry.

Before the forlornness of that thought could totally consume her, she found herself forcing it away, fighting the panic and pain it brought. I just promised... I'd try to keep living. Not existing. Living. Sliding back the closet, she reached for one of the spare uniform overcoats she kept in there, surprised to find that her fingers were shaking.

No. I can't keep... Actually pulling it over her head made some of that uncertainty go away as she slowly pulled the leather clasp tight just underneath the metal ribbing of her bra. Slowly inhaling, it was awhile before she pulled on the rest of the uniform. Her hands were still trembling when she reached for the survival knife; closing her hands around it, she held it to her chest for a few long moments. Serah... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you... But I promise... I promise that I'll finish what we started. Even if we never meet again in this lifetime or the next... I promise.

Her own vow was bittersweet, laced with the memories and images her mind was unable to let go of. It hurt... it would still hurt, and would forever hurt that Serah was gone. She was never going to 'let go' of the pain... and Maker knew she would never forget. But... I think... I think there is a way to keep living, even with the pain. Even if my actions don't feel like they have much meaning now... it's better than just... existing.

Slowly, unsurely, she made her way downstairs, feeling shyly glad that once again, Hope had allowed her to find some delicate balance between the grief and what she needed to do... to keep living.

Hope strained his ears for the sounds of Lightning finally coming downstairs as he squished together the last of what he had been planning to give to her. She hadn't eaten much since... well, since Serah had died, and she'd come off looking worse for it. The embrace they'd shared in her room was still fresh in his mind, and he suppressed a small smile.

She's finally... It would be awhile before she was 'herself' again - he'd seen just how quickly she could snap at the smallest of a trigger, and briefly, Hope wondered if she would ever be 'herself' again. But I can't stop trying. He felt the familiar warmth spread throughout him at the thought of his attempts to get her to finally open up... to finally let out her pain. The embraces had been genuine, that much was for sure. How she felt beyond that, he didn't know. And I don't... I wouldn't ever push her for that. His newfound understanding of her feelings and thought processes was like a small, appreciated reward on top of their newly realized closeness.

He heard a snicker behind him, and instantly, Hope pushed down the feelings. If there was one thing he didn't want to be caught doing, it was blushing in front of Snow.

"You sure Sis will eat that?" The question was genuine, and Hope turned, finding the big man looking greedily at the sandwich. "Cause if she doesn't... I will."

Hope let out a small chuckle at the thought. It's so... Snow. But the big man wasn't done yet. "Looks like something... Serah would have made." There was a wistful, sad tone in his voice now, and Hope flinched - if Lightning happened to come down the stairs and she heard that... Snow caught the look on his face.

"I know... I know. But I can't help but think about her. She's everywhere in here." There was a small pause. "I mean... I'll never stop grieving for her, and I'll never forget about her, but you know? It's easier to think about her when you think about what you had... not what's gone. You think about the happy times, not what you'll be missing out on. I think... that's what's made things easier for me to deal with, to think about happy times."

It was then that Hope realized that Snow would never move on from Serah either. He'd never expected the bigger man to, never expected him to let go of the girl he'd fought so hard to save. But Snow had found a healthier way to think about her than Lightning had, and briefly, Hope wondered if she would ever think about her sister's death like that. Snow... has always been Snow. Always finding optimistic ways to think about things. But Light...

Further discussion that might have occurred was abruptly cut off when they both heard the slow, unsteady footsteps on the stairs, and Hope saw Snow close his lips.

Well... here goes nothing.

Finding herself standing underneath the breezy sunset sky, at first, Lightning had no idea why Snow wanted her to come out to the backyard. She'd eaten what Hope had insisted she had, neglecting to tell him that still, whatever she ate tasted, no matter what it was, like sawdust. Even now, even when she'd finally managed to find some balance between grief and the present, there were things that she just simply 'went through the motions' with. Eating was one of them.

She'd taken the hand Hope had offered her, both needing the support and needing the comfort when she had slowly processed that he knew what Snow was planning. She let him lead her to where the big man was standing, silhouetted darkly into the setting sun. Snow moved aside when she approached with Hope, his expression sombre, but otherwise unreadable.

"Here." she heard him murmur quietly to her. "This is where..." His voice broke off suddenly, and she saw him look to the ground.

Just behind him was a tree. Not just any tree... the tree that her sister loved so much, and suddenly, she knew where 'here' was. There was only one place this could be.

The same rush of emotions came, just as harshly and as quickly as they ever had. Hope's hand tightened on hers, and she realized that she must have flinched or otherwise tensed when the realization had hit her. But this time, here, she found that she was able to control it... for the first time. Slowly disentangling her fingers from Hope's she moved forwards.

No one moved to stop her, as she rested both hands on the slender trunk.

Serah.

There wasn't anything else she could feel, but this time, it felt okay to be feeling that way. I promise... A small pink blossom drifted past her, caught by the wind, and she watched it as it landed at the base of the trunk on the earth, left bare underneath the roots. Trying to control the momentous feelings, she tried to both push down and express the emotions that came. She managed to choke out one simple phrase, one that she hoped would express how she felt to both Snow and Hope.

"Thank you."

Everyday we just keep going through the motions
and we don't know why
Seems like we never stop to take the time to know
this life as it goes by

But there's a whole world out there,
it's a miracle to see.

So. Wow. I really, really, really hope that I pulled this chapter off. I have nothing to say other than the fact that I hope I got HxL right. *bites nails* My only request is... please leave love if you think I did okay. I'll just have to head off to bed with the thought that I could have done much much worse than I did.

Hearts!