So hey guys, and thanks for tuning into the next chapter of NR! :3

Once again, I could not have made it this far without all of my supporters: Erifrats101 (awh, thank you so much!), OscarMerrinoz96, Crystal, Lightarcana, GCFarron (and no, thank you. You've been such an awesome supporter!), H-thar (fangirls are win... don't ever doubt the power of fangirling), That One Reviewee (haha... you have no idea how stressed I was to get that English minor of mine... -.-), thewhitespirit (no, she's not. We just know each other offsite and well... let's just say crazy ideas emerge when you throw two rabid Lightning fangirls with enormous imaginations together), Zapper90, and Mylaervain (yes... she is. Slowly). You guys are amazing, and as always, hearts to my muse, LadyAlaska.

I endeavored hard to get this chapter up today, just because, well, you'll see at the ending A/N. Like with last chapter, I really, really hope everything came off alright. I tried hard to get their emotions right, and well... *proceeds to go hide in her corner now* Enjoy as always, though.

Chapter 49: Reason to Fight

The hallways were ominously silent as Hope followed Snow down the corridor to Command. He'd been here enough times to know his way around now, but without the usual pandemonium of soldiers, the place felt lifeless and unnerving. Casting a glance behind him, Hope felt a small twinge of unease, even though Lightning was managing to keep up with them. The expression on her face was unreadable but, to him, it appeared as if she was carefully trying to keep it neutral. He resisted the urge to ask her if she was okay - he had a feeling she wouldn't be grateful for such a question at the moment.

Snow had stopped in front of a door, scratching his chin. "So, we up for this?" Hope saw the big blond look over his head, clearly, he was trying to discern whether Lightning was in enough of a competent mental state to be meeting with the officer. He lowered his voice. "Sis, you okay?" Hope turned to see her look up, closing her eyes for a moment before replying.

"I... think so." Her voice held none of its usual crispness, and he could tell she was fighting to keep it steady. Maker, I don't even want to know what being back here, knowing we all want her to fight, must be doing to her. She'd taken her gunblade along with her, but only because they'd forced her to. She hadn't touched it once since sliding it into its holster, and he could see the fingers of her right hand limp at her side. Snow gave a barely audible sigh before rubbing his gloved hand across his forehead.

"Alright, Sis... whatever you say. You need to tell us, though, if it's too much, got it?"

Hope appreciated those words, but whether she would actually follow through with them was a different matter. Light... As Snow pushed open the door, he felt her pass him, her head slightly bowed, letting pink bangs fall into her face. One look at her unsettled aqua eyes, and he knew she was trying to fight the internal demons again. Only this time... she has to win. The thought made him feel as useless and as scared as ever - he could comfort and support her all she wanted, but in the end, whether she won or not was still, ultimately decided by her. She can't leave now... please Maker, no.

There wasn't time to say anything to her before the officer in question came up to Snow, boots clunking on the hard surface of the ground. From where he was standing, Hope couldn't hear the words they were saying - the only thing he could hear was Lightning's breathing, and he could tell she was fighting to keep that steady too. He resisted the urge to reach out to her; this wasn't the time to make her look weak when she needed to look strong. He knew he'd made the right decision when the officer approached them, clearly scrutinizing the pink haired soldier in front of him. Hope saw a mixture of surprise, doubt, and apprehension cross the steel grey eyes. Looking back at Lightning, he saw that she had raised her head, looking up now.

"Sir." The word was lifeless, professional, and devoid of emotion. Maybe that was how she wanted to sound like, but Hope could detect the slight tremor in her voice. He turned back to see some of the doubt beginning to fade from the officer's eyes as he offered her a hand.

"Sgt. Farron. It's nice to finally meet you... though I regret the circumstances we have to meet in. Col. Rockefeller."

She took the offered hand, but her unsteady, trembling fingers caught Hope's eye. "It's nice to meet you too." Her flat voice was barely above a low murmur, and he saw the man look at her with renewed criticality. Hope could imagine the train of thought in the commanding officer's head when he looked at her: a slender, barely-out-of-the-hospital young woman who was still so obviously struggling with internal conflicts. Casting a dubious look at Snow, who winced, the man led them over to a table sprawled with digital maps and papers.

"Here's what's happening at the moment, from what we can gather from our forces in Eden: they're trying to overrun the city, trying to horde all the citizens into a southernly direction, towards us. Now, obviously, we know that their point of "attack", so to speak, is Cocoon, so their goal is to push as many people into the Eclipse's projected umbra." Hope shot a glance at Lightning, who had one hand rested under her chin, pink bangs once again obscuring most of her face. If she felt surprised at the revelations, she didn't show it; in fact, her couldn't tell what she was thinking. The man continued, jabbing his finger into a spot on one of the digital maps. "Our forces are here, trying to hold them back, but obviously it's difficult - they have magic and manadrives... much more than we do. Your friend, Sazh Katzroy, is currently with the rest of our limited airforce, trying to take out their factories we've discovered at various spots in the interior of Gran Pulse."

Hope heard Snow crack his knuckles. "So. What are we supposed to be doing here?"

The colonel chuckled. "Well, we've only got reserve forces in New Bodhum right now... and I hear the three of you have some... 'special powers'? Something that renders their manadrives useless?" Snow let out a laugh.

"Well... you could put it that way." Hope narrowed his eyes - clearly, the colonel didn't know they were l'Cie... or at least that fact hadn't been confirmed. He had a nasty suspicion that the man knew, though. But it no longer scared him, nor did it bother him, that they were still Pulse l'Cie - ever since Cocoon had been grounded, there had been no more hatred or fear of any mention of Pulse. It wasn't any more of a desirable fate, but there were less opportunities on Pulse to be branded a l'Cie, and the general phobia had begun to dissipate.

"Well then... I'm asking you to help with the forces here. Is that alright?" Hope heard Snow chuckle again.

"I've been waiting to get my hands on those creeps since Maker knows when." He sounded as confident and determined as ever, and Hope didn't doubt it. Snow was Snow.

The sound of fading footsteps surprised him, as Hope looked up from the sprawl of maps and papers on the tabletop, to see that the officer had moved away from them, looking through one of the supply cabinets that lined the sides of the rooms.

"Excellent. I'll leave the details of what you're going to do up to some of the officers in the field already. Snow, you already have a pager - we'll keep in touch that way." There was a pause. "One more thing." Returning to the table, the man paused beside Lightning, and Hope saw her raise her head, pushing pink bangs out of her face. He held out something to her Hope couldn't see over her shoulder. "We were asked by Pulse Management to promote you, due to the shortage of soldiers after the last attack, and you came by on a recommendation. So... congratulations, Lt. Farron."

Lightning stared at the pauldron he offered her, unable to raise a hand to take it. I don't want... She felt frozen to the spot, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to scream her denial at what was before her. She'd already noticed the suspicion and doubt with which the officer had looked at her, and if she was honest with herself, she didn't blame him.

If I were him... I wouldn't be promoting me. I'd be firing me.

She knew she looked like a mess right now, knew exactly how unprepared she was for all of this, and all she could feel was that she wanted to get out. It had been hard just entering the Corps Building... it had been hard to set foot in it without feeling the fear and anxiety threaten to consume her. She'd had to fight the urge to just run from the building; unable to stop shaking, she could barely respond to the questions. And she couldn't bring herself to take what the colonel had offered her. I just can't...

Clearly, he hadn't been expecting her to hesitate, hadn't expected the person he was supposed to promote to be her. She could imagine exactly what she looked and sounded like to him. So stop... trying to make me...

"Light?" Hope's apprehensive voice came from beside her shoulder, and she realized he was gently holding her arm. She hadn't noticed how badly it had been shaking. "Light... you're okay, right?"

No, I'm not...

Taking a breath to try and calm herself, Lightning forced her numb, stiff fingers to rise and take the olive green pauldron from the man's hands. "I... I'm okay." It took several more breaths before she could look up, trying hard to keep her voice from shaking. "Thank you."

She wanted to run right then and there.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate the gesture, it was that she knew she could never fight the way she had ever again. She'd turned to being a soldier, turned to fighting back because of Serah. Joining the military had been their one ticket out of poverty and the orphanage she knew awaited Serah if she couldn't support them both, but her own desire to fight had... Not only did I send Cocoon crashing onto Pulse, but Serah's... Serah's...

Ironically, her will to fight had indirectly caused Serah's death. She hadn't been strong enough, she hadn't... No. I have... to stop thinking like this. Trying to discipline herself only backhanded her with the realization of just how pathetic she was. She'd promised to fight, she'd promised that she would finish what they'd started, and all of that will had quite literally evaporated the moment she'd stepped into the stark reminder of her previous life and was faced with the one thing she was scared of doing. It wasn't that she couldn't fight, it was that... I don't help anyone... by fighting. I'm not the person they want to rely on...

She didn't want to be responsible again.

It wasn't until Snow gave her a rough push that she realized they were leaving. Stumbling after him, Lightning felt her fingers tighten on the leather thing in her hand as she followed him out of the room. Seeing the scared glances Hope and Snow were giving her, she tried, once again, unsuccessfully, to control the breathing that was threatening to turn into dry heaves. I just don't... want to fight anymore... I don't want... She didn't want to ever feel that she'd let someone down because she'd chosen to fight. I don't want to watch someone else die because I wasn't strong enough, because I couldn't protect them.

They were outside in the rapidly cooling night air before Lightning realized that they'd left the building, but now, even away from the place, she didn't feel any more calm. The familiar pain and emptiness was threatening to crack the exterior she'd managed to maintain and the only thought that suppressed the rising storm inside was that she didn't want to break down in the middle of the street. Away from the public view, she found that Snow had pushed her down onto a bench in the nearby park and that Hope had settled himself beside her.

"Sis... I'm really, really sorry," he began quietly. "I had no idea he was going to promote you. If I had, I would have told him not to." There was a pause as Hope slipped his fingers into hers, and she found herself holding them back. "Look, Sis... you should have said something."

Finally, she forced herself to look up at him, finding only concern in the ocean blue eyes. I know I'm pathetic... when Snow has to apologize to me for something he thinks he did. It was hard to choke the words past her suddenly tight throat. "It's just... I don't want to fight. Ever again." The words sounded as pathetic as she felt when the last syllable attempted to stifle a whimper.

"Why not? You do... want to finish this, don't you?" She knew Snow's question was genuine, but it hurt regardless.

"I know that!" Her first words were more forceful before she felt the spark of anger die into the endless emptiness that it left. "It's... Serah died because of my decision to fight... Serah died because I couldn't protect her. I don't want..."

Hope's fingers were suddenly clenched too hard against hers, as she tried to pull away. A rough grasp on her shoulders suddenly made her look up again. "Sis... you're going there again. No. Stop blaming yourself... how many times do we have to tell you?"

Lightning knew just how pitiful she was when she realized, that once again, she wanted to believe them. Just like she wanted to believe that Serah's death wasn't her fault, just as she wanted to believe that there was something in life beyond Serah's death... she wanted to believe that fighting again wasn't going to hurt anyone else.

"Light... just think about how many people you've saved before you start thinking like that. Remember? Look forward... not back." Hope's quiet voice sounded beside her, and slowly, she turned to face him. His green eyes fixed on her own, and he let her take in what he said before ploughing on. "Don't feel like you've failed everyone... okay?"

You... have no idea how much... Because that's exactly what I've done. Failed everyone. She'd let Serah die, she'd let her own depression and fears cripple her to the point where Hope had thought she was lost forever in the yawning bottomless ditch of painful memories, and now... And now I'm just... backing out of the one thing I promised everyone I'd try to do. Gently, she let Hope grip her other arm with his free hand. "You're not a failure... okay?"

It would be awhile before she composed herself enough to piece together a coherent response that seemed to balance her need of not scaring him again, and the request they'd made of her earlier of letting them know, her voice a small, defeated murmur. "I'll try to keep that in mind." As if to prove her point, Lightning pushed herself into a standing position again, the hand that was holding her new pauldron limp at one side. Even after what they'd said, she still couldn't bring herself to wear it, and she let Snow pry it from her fingers without resistance.

"Impressive, Sis." He smirked at her. "Wanna let me borrow it if you don't want it?" Once again, feeling for the first time since Serah's death, she found herself fighting a small spike of irritation at Snow, and she felt a small smile twitch at her lips when she saw him looking devilishly down at her. "Ha!" he crowed at her. "I made you laugh! Admit it, Sis."

He let her pull the pauldron back without much of a fight before she took a small step away from him. "No, you didn't."

His laughter was still prominent as they started on their way to the top of a hill where they could overlook Cocoon, as Snow had suggested, while they waited for more orders. She didn't know what it was, but for some reason, hearing him laugh didn't bother her as much as it should have, and when Hope slipped his hand into hers again, she didn't make an attempt to push him away. Maybe...

She found herself holding his fingers back, almost like a reflex. It seemed to be the right thing to do now, whenever that contact occurred. It felt like the right thing to do, even if the familiar flicker of heat on her throat and cheeks came when she thought, really thought about what they were doing. She was surprised to find that it didn't bother her as much as it used to - maybe it was because she had already accepted that she couldn't have made it this far without him... maybe it was because she had realized she needed him as much as he had needed her.

Whatever it was... she had felt that part of her inhibitions fade away the moment she had allowed him to put her necklace back on her. So when they stopped at the top of one of the many grassy hills that overlooked the city - one with a clear view of the glowing crystal shell of Cocoon - for some reason, she didn't pull away when he rested his head on her shoulder again. The contact should have sent her turning away, but that was a reaction the old Lightning might have made, in a world where Serah still existed.

Instead, she found herself shyly enjoying the warmth their contact provided - the feeling was strong enough to push away some of the thistles that still pressed against her interior. Snow had purposefully sat a few feet in front of them; she could only see the top of his black bandanna from where she was sitting.

"Light?" The question was demure, almost frightened, and she could only muster a small hum in response, unsure of what she wanted and unsure, already, of how she was going to respond. "You're... you're okay, right?" He was scared again, but this time, she didn't see why she had to hide from him. He'd already seen her depression and fear at its worst.

"I... don't know." It was the honest answer, and she felt him flinch, moving his head off her shoulder and fixing her with an intense emerald gaze that she could see, even in the sparse lighting provided by the waning moon and the swath of stars overhead.

"You have to be... don't stop trying." It was almost a plea. "I need you too..."

Lightning didn't know how to respond. "I told you... I'd try. Okay?" It was the only response she thought she could give. She saw him nod in the moonlight.

"Promise?"

Another promise. It seemed like there was nothing for her to do but promise, and once upon a time, she might have said yes without fully thinking about the consequences. When she'd promised before, she had never once considered the possibility that the words might have been affected by another force. When I promised Serah... I never thought that I'd break it... I never thought that she'd die... But this time, the words hurt almost as much as if they'd been wounds. Can I really keep it... if I do promise? She couldn't. She couldn't guarantee it.

"I... I'll try." The response was utterly lacking, utterly inadequate, but it was the most she could do. It was the most she could say without giving into the inner strife again. When Hope didn't say anything, at first, she thought it was because she couldn't agree to more, because she couldn't give him the guarantee she knew he was looking for. Instead, she found, for the first time, pain in his expression. "What... what's wrong?" The concern overrode her own fears as her voice caught.

He didn't reply for awhile, as if picking the words carefully. "It's just... I know you've been through a lot. I know you're still hurting... and all I can think about is... Light, I'm still scared. I thought you weren't going to get better... I thought..."

You thought I'd be... like that... forever, didn't you?

"I still need you." The quiet admission was almost embarrassed. "So... please?"

Slowly, she reached out a hand, gently poking him in the forehead, the way she'd done so long ago in Palumpolum. The sunset of the calm ocean waves felt like they had been a million lifetimes ago, even though in real time, it hadn't been too long ago at all. "I'll try... to keep that in mind." The small, timid smile that was returned to her felt more empowering than anything that had been said to her all day, outstripping the piece of leather that she still held in one hand. She let Hope pry it from her fingers, and in the moment in which warmth had temporarily pushed away the emptiness inside, she let him pull off her old one and replace it.

"There," she heard him murmur with a small tone of triumph in his voice. "Congrats... Lt. Farron."

Before she was sure whether to feel embarrassed or hurt by the simple statement, she heard Snow curse loudly into his pager as he scrambled to his feet, shredding long blades of grass underneath his boots.

"Crap! Sis, Hope, let's get moving!" Hope's platinum head snapped up the moment he heard the urgency in Snow's tone. She was a little slower on the uptake, unsteadily rising to her feet. The sudden urge to reach for her gunblade was stalled by the utter terror that seized her at the thought of wielding a weapon again.

"What?" Hope asked the question that had died in her throat the moment her instinct clashed with the newfound onslaught of emotions. Even in the dim lighting she could see that his expression was unusually grave, and it was awhile before she processed his response in her mind.

"They've figured out the date for the Eclipse. It's... it's seven days from now. That's when the shadow will cover the moon, the once-in-a-hundred years event. And those creeps are on their way here, to Cocoon, right now. Apparently we're going to go to stop them. One of the commanding officers in the hills wants us there, pronto."

Trying to comprehend the enormity of the request was impossible, and for a moment, Lightning wanted to run and hide again. Only this time, some other sense pushed the desire away, pushed the torment of that thought away. The other sense was tied, undeniably, to Hope. It had taken her awhile to realize, just like her last revelation, but she knew now that undeniably, she didn't want to see him get hurt. I can't lose someone else... like I did Serah. That thought alone was enough to push enough cottonballs out of her mind and enough emptiness and pain away from her interior to keep her going, to keep her standing.

Slowly, she allowed herself to push her body into a slow run after Snow, who was clearly waiting for her to make a reaction, and Hope, who had looked relieved when she started in their direction. It still hurt a little to run - it pulled somewhat at the stitches that were still part of her skin, but that... she could deal with. It was neither something that was excruciating nor unbearable, a first in many ways. But that wasn't what surprised her.

What surprised her was the fact that in the face of what was happening, she seemed to have found a new purpose. And just like Hope had promised, that new purpose pushed away some of the lingering depression and fear that still stubbornly clung to her, filling her with a cold determination in stead of the lonely emptiness it had replaced, and that feeling was infinitely easier for her to accept and comprehend than the emptiness that left her feeling hopeless, unable to even begin to start trying to work her way around it.

Maybe...

Huh. A shorter chapter for once, but nowhere less deep in the character development pocket. I think I've done more character emotions/development in the last week than I have this entire fic... Don't worry though, I'm fairly sure that it's pretty obvious we go back to some of the action in the next chapter. *wiggles fingers* Can Hopekins get Light to pick up her weapon again?

Anyways, once again, if you think I did alright (*is still hiding in her corner*)... please leave love in a review, and I'll see you guys next time! I don't think I'll have the next chapter up before Wednesday afternoon just because I have work tomorrow, and we're going to someplace on Tuesday my mom has yet to inform me of. -.- So yeah, sorry about that...

Hearts!