Chapter 3: Filthy Clean
No proof. No bruises, no samples, no blood anywhere. Just the burning pain when he walks and sits down.
Frigga had held him all night after Laufey left and he knew that she had been raped the first time too. She could understand him, but she had children and Loki couldn't imagine how she could have allowed Odin to lay her with child. Loki didn't want Laufey to touch him ever again, and he would never have a child.
But he had to have a child didn't he? When Asgard fought Vanaheim the war wasn't truly over until Frigga conceived and gave birth to Thor, they lived in a tense situation, but it wasn't peace. Loki would have sobbed at the thought that he would have to have a son before peace could reign.
His mother had helped him bath and applied more of the cool gel, it took a lot of will power to hold still for her, with every touch he felt Laufey's hands on him and heard that disgusting voice.
'"You will only want more when we are done…"'
Loki shook his head, Laufey had been wrong. Loki didn't think he would ever want to be touched in such a way again.
Frigga was gentle and spoke quietly to him. "It gets easier…eventually you won't care what he does. And I doubt Laufey is long for this world, he is nearly as old as your father."
Loki sighed quietly. "That does not comfort me in the slightest mother."
"It wasn't really meant to. I only wanted to say something to try and get you talking."
Loki looked at her in surprise and she smiled naughtily at him and rubbed his shoulder. "Mother you sly fox!"
"Well it worked didn't it? Now would you tell me what on Midgard is going through your pretty head?" She stroked some hair out of his face and smiled at him again.
"Not much just that I turn BLUE! I am married to a frost giant. I turn BLUE! I'm the queen of Jotunheim. I turn BLUE! And I will probably be pregnant within the next year. Did I mention that I turn BLUE?!" Loki gave Frigga an expectant look and she stifled a laugh.
"I'm sorry Loki, of course you must want to talk about your blueness. What do you want to know?" She watched him closely and Loki sighed, he looked up at the ceiling trying to decide where to begin.
"How did you keep me from becoming Jotun at random? Why didn't you tell me, didn't you think it was somewhat important to mention I would turn blue one day?"
Again Loki suspected his mother was holding in giggles and he glared at her.
"Alright alright….let's see…" Frigga smiled and made her own thoughtful face. "To keep you from returning to your previous shape we would run a light surge of magic to heat you, this way you associated the transformation with uncomfortable heat. We didn't tell you because we knew that if we did you would feel different and withdraw from your peers. We would have told you soon but we were waiting for the right time, clearly the fates decided that there is no time like on Jotunheim."
Frigga laughed lightly and tried to lift Loki's heavy mood with her little joke. Loki wasn't amused though, surely they thought about how it would make him feel? Before he could answer her though the doors opened and a maidservant walked in slowly.
"My prince? My queen? King Odin requests your presence at breakfast this morning."
Frigga nodded and thanked the girl before looking at Loki. He groaned and stood slowly.
"Must I go?" He whined miserably.
"Yes Loki, your father demands both of us. Best get it over with." Frigga's voice held a mildly chastising tone and he knew she wasn't pleased with his whining.
Loki couldn't help but grumble though, he was not eager to be in the same room as his father or Thor, he clung to his mother all the way down to the great hall. The journey to the feasting hall took them a while because with each step Loki felt the pain from Laufey's force wreak his body.
They walked into the great hall and Loki almost ran back to his rooms screaming. Sitting beside his father was Laufey.
'He shouldn't be here! He should be gone! I wish he was gone, why is he here?' Loki was panicking and Laufey was walking towards him and Frigga.
Laufey held out his hand to Loki and when Loki didn't offer his own, the ice king sighed and picked up his hand and led him to sit at the table in the seat next to Laufey's. Loki sat frozen, he didn't want to move in case he caught the kings attention. Laufey put food on a plate and gave him a glass of milk before resuming his conversation with Odin.
Frigga sat beside Loki and discreetly made him eat all the food on his plate. The food felt heavy and it seemed to be scratching its way down his throat. Loki wanted to puke from the anxiety and anger. His chest was knotting in fear and he felt a distinct ache in his lower back from the muscles trying to release and failing to.
Laufey nudged Loki and he realised Laufey must have asked him something. Loki shot out of his seat and scurried behind his mother.
"Don't touch me!" he snapped at Laufey, the kings gaze narrowed and he stood up slowly, staring down at Loki.
"Come here Loki." Loki shook his head stubbornly and Laufey growled. "Loki! I said: Come. Here."
Loki trembled and slowly came back to Laufey. Laufey made Loki look up at him and he frowned at Loki.
"Never run from me again or last night's smack will look like a love tap, understand?" he growled in Loki's ear so no one else could hear.
Loki never thought he could get paler but somehow he managed it and slowly sat back down in his seat. Laufey took his place at the table too and repeated his question.
"I asked you how you are feeling Loki."
Anger flared through Loki.
'How does he think I'm feeling?! Am I supposed to feel happy that I am going to be routinely raped for the rest of my life?'
Loki opened his mouth to snarl at Laufey when Frigga spoke up behind him. "Loki is fine, king Laufey, just a little tender."
Loki Looked at her with a frown, was she allowed to be discussing that at the table? Laufey nodded and looked satisfied.
"Good, I am staying in Asgard for a month to prepare for the wedding. I will of course be staying with you at night." He looked at Loki sternly.
Loki stared dumbly, Laufey couldn't stay with him at night it was improper.
'Well,' he thought sardonically 'it's not like there's any reason to wait until the wedding night anymore. He said he would bed me again on the wedding night, does that mean he won't touch me until then?'
Loki hoped that was Laufey's intention; platonically sharing the bed would be better than having sex every night, and it would give Loki time to strategize. Odin decided to voice Loki's thought in what he hoped would be a reassuring voice to Loki.
"Naturally there is no reason for you to sleep apart now that you are bound, you are essentially a married couple and have all the same freedoms. The wedding is simply to make it official."
Loki was not reassured by the look Laufey was giving him, 'Letch.' He thought grumpily.
"Allfather I would like very much to spend the day with my queen. Do I have your leave?"
"Not today Laufey, I need you present for the negotiations. You will have all night to be with Loki."
"I supposed I shall have to spend the day looking forward to being with you again my queen. Until then, come Allfather, we must begin the negotiations."
Laufey bent to kiss Loki and the prince ducked his head to avoid it, Laufey griped his chin and held him still so that he could press a kiss to Loki's cheek.
He leaned to whisper in Loki's ear. "Think on that my queen."
Hyperventilating probably didn't help but Loki couldn't stop it. He couldn't think about tonight, Laufey clearly had changed his mind and wanted to have him again before the wedding!
Loki raced from the great hall, ignoring all his pains and his mother's calls in an attempt to go where he would be safest. Thor's bedroom. Since he was little he would sleep in Thor's room when he got scared or lonely and Thor was always waiting to hold him tightly and comfort him after nightmares.
He was crying a little and didn't see where he was going, he ran into a hard form and fell onto his backside. Fearful that somehow he had run into Laufey, Loki cried out loudly and pulled away.
"Loki?"
Not Laufey? Thor!
"Thor! Thor it's you!"
Hugging his older brother like his life depended on it.
"Loki, what happened? What has he done to you?" Thor's voice was unusually soft and sad while his fingers ran through Loki's hair.
"I'll tell you everything just not here Thor, please can we go to your room?" Loki looked around agitatedly and Thor nodded quickly.
"Of course."
Loki grabbed Thor's larger hand in one of his own and dragged Thor to the older princes' chambers, Thor placed an arm around Loki's shoulders and Loki leaned into the touch.
Frigga smiled as her boys hurried away talking quietly. She turned around and went back the way she had come from, this was something Loki needed to talk to Thor about. Both boys were feeling bad about themselves and their situation and she was going to let them help each other. She thought about her husband's behaviour after he took Laufey to Loki's bedroom.
*Flashback starts* When Odin had returned to her chambers the night before he had sent Thor away so that he could speak with her in private. She coldly ignored him while she changed her clothes and loosened her hair.
Finally he had come to her while she sat before the vanity and he placed his hands on her shoulders leaning down to kiss her neck comfortingly.
"He will be alright, he is made for such acts, as are you if I may say."
She gave an indignant sniff. "Well that doesn't make it any better. He is my baby and I never wanted him to go through what I did. You know how badly this affected me."
"I know, I am sorry I made you feel less than my queen tonight, I need to be strong and unchallenged. You understand?"
Odin rubbed his hands down her sides and wrapped his arms around her middle, kissing and sucking at the nape of her neck.
'Trying to make me soften.' she had thought scornfully.
"My queen, the first time is the worst; you quickly overcame your negative feelings when you discovered that we were expecting a babe. You willingly come to my bed now; you have no fear of me anymore. So it shall be for Loki, while he is frightened now he will come to enjoy his interactions with his husband, and if Laufey is to be believed he will be seeking out contact with the king before long."
Frigga shook her head, it wasn't like Loki, she had raised him to believe that the act of being bedded was special and ought to be done between people who love each other. He grew up feeling that waiting for a special man was the right thing to do.
Frigga sighed and leaned back against Odin's chest.
"I suppose."
He smiled and stood to his full height, pressed a kiss to her forehead and took her hands in his own. Helping her stand up he pulled her close.
"Shall we retire my love?" sweet words with sweet kisses to accompany them, she felt him tugging her in the direction of her bed and raised one eyebrow at him.
"What is it?" he sighed.
"You are going to find a room for Laufey and I am going to take Loki a cooling gel, I am staying by him tonight."
Odin smiled fondly and in an exasperated tone he said. "As you wish."
They parted ways until morning. *Flashback ends*
She sighed, her husband was clearly upset about Loki's situation but he wouldn't admit that he had made a mistake. Her husband was proud that way, she was convinced he had apologised to her last night because if he hadn't she might have sent him to his own rooms instead of allowing him to sleep with her.
'Men.' She thought with a roll of her eyes.
Thor raged in the training rooms, he heard two servants talking about what had transpired at breakfast and he wanted nothing more than to bash Laufey's skull. He had missed breakfast intentionally; to ashamed to face Loki after what had happened.
What he had caused. Loki had to hate him; it was his fault Loki had to marry the monster! If only he had listened to his parents when they banned them from going to Jotunheim! None of this would ever have happened if he hadn't been so stupid!
He had destroyed three wooden dummies with his sword in his rage, and now he was exhausted and miserable. He wanted to check on Loki but was afraid of the welcome he'd be given. Thor sighed he had to go to Loki, they would see each other eventually. Thor stood and walked to Loki's rooms.
On the way however he had run into his little brother. Loki looked to be in a state of panic and Thor felt his gut wrench.
It seemed to pass in a blur as Loki tugged him into his rooms. Then he sat listening patiently as Loki described everything Laufey had said and done to him. Thor frowned furiously, Laufey had been rough and cruel from Loki's description and Thor felt his anger rise steadily.
'Just calm down, Loki doesn't deserve your anger! He needs you to be calm and well….like he always is!' The older prince berated himself seriously.
"Well are you still sore?" Thor asked finally, looking deeply into his brothers eyes.
"Yes but I- mostly it's just…"
"What is it Loki?"
"I feel filthy and used and worthless." He was starting to sob again.
"No Loki you aren't worthless! And Laufey is filthy not you!" Thor's hugs were always too tight.
"Thor I am worthless, why else would father just give me away like this? And I am filthy! I am covered in filth, disgusting greasy, slimy filth! He will have me again tonight and I don't want him. I don't want him Thor."
Thor's heart was breaking into a million pieces. His baby brother was hurting and he couldn't do anything about it.
"Loki you are my baby brother, I know you are stronger than this. Don't let Laufey bully you..…Loki you have an upper hand in this, don't you see it?" Thor struggled to assure Loki.
The younger prince looked up at him in confusion. "What do you mean Thor? Laufey is bigger and stronger than me, I cannot win this?"
"Well haven't you ever seen mother when she doesn't get her way with father?" Thor began hopefully, his heart sank as Loki just blinked in confusion.
"Mother pouts and sulks for days, pretending that she is fine, until father gives in and does what she asked. Power in submission remember?" Loki stared at Thor in shock.
"How did you notice this? You're so…you."
Thor laughed and clapped a hand down on Loki's shoulder. "Little brother I am a warrior I recognise a good strategy when I see one."
Loki laughed quietly and sobered bit. "So you think I should just pretend to give in and then what?"
"Well…" Thor began uncertainly. "Perhaps you could spend the rest of the time gathering allies or something, there must be some Jotnar who want Laufey dead or dethroned?"
Loki frowned thoughtfully and Thor was relieved to see that familiar crease, the one which always appeared on Loki's brow when he was deep in thought.
"I suppose…..give me time to see how I can use this. I have a few minor ideas but they will need development." Loki sighed suddenly and his shoulders sagged.
Thor perked immediately and put an arm around Loki.
"What is it brother?"
Loki sighed again and wrapped his arms around his knees. "I still feel filthy."
"Loki, why not come and bathe, I will help you get the filth off." Loki nodded and followed Thor into his bathing chambers.
Thor drew a nice hot bath for Loki and helped him in. Picking up a bottle of soap and measuring an amount onto his hands.
Thor showed the soap to Loki. "See this? This soap will henceforth be blessed with the ability to remove all the filth that monster leaves on you. I promise it will help."
He reached out and began soaping Loki's shoulders and chest with firm circular motions. Loki lay back and lifted his arms and legs when Thor asked for them. He had tears on his cheeks but this time they were happy tears, because he did feel cleaner with every touch Thor placed on him.
When he only needed to wash between his legs Loki took the soap shyly from Thor and cleaned between his legs himself, too nervous to let Thor touch him there. Thor smiled and pressed a kiss to Loki's forehead. Maybe they'd be ok.
Laufey sighed in frustration as he listened to the Allfather droning on about the exchange of food and materials between Jotunheim and Asgard of old. Honestly didn't the king have anything better to do? Like dying?!
"Allfather we have been discussing trade all day, I believe we have sorted through all the details we needed to." Laufey frowned at the older king and watched as Odin stood slowly.
Odin walked to sit beside Laufey and turned his chair so that they were facing each other. "Laufey I had a thought earlier about Loki and your need for an heir."
"Go on…" Laufey internally sighed, was everyone going to lecture him about this?
"I want you to be kind to Loki, I don't doubt you will treat him well, you need him strong. I would like you to show him the ways of love, not the rough and hurried expression you seem to have shown him last night, but the gentle truer side." Odin's eye bore deeply into Laufey and he felt himself shiver a little at the parental power Odin possessed when discussing Loki.
"I have thought of it briefly." He replied finally. "It isn't easy, Loki has clearly been ruined mentally concerning mating. I suppose it is your staunch society that has him so uptight."
Odin sighed and shook his head. "That is not what we are discussing. Will you teach Loki the truth about love or not?"
"Very well, not like I have any choice, he is my queen and I do want to put an end to the power struggle." Laufey grumbled irritably and Odin smiled a little.
"Very good, I am certain Loki will appreciate your efforts. Shall we retire for supper?"