So hey guys, and thanks for tuning into the next chapter of NR! n_n

Once again, thanks to: GCFarron (awh, thanks!), OscarMerrinoz96, Lightarcana, and SquallRocks (yes, it has come time for my annual FFVII replay 8D). To H-thar (btw, thanks for the pointer, I did forget!), to answer your question, since I think you're not the only one confused by the motives: at that point, yes, he was cutting losses; he needed two crystals and if killing someone was the way to snitch the last one then so be it. His original target though, was not Light - he gunned for Serah to begin with before Light decided to pull her self sacrifice moment. Hope that cleared some of it up! D: And of course, props to LadyAlaska as always.

Enjoy as always!

Chapter 54: To a Future That Never Ends

Raindrops fell incessantly and unendingly from the grey sky overhead, but Lightning made no move to move from her seat by the window, watching the silvery precipitation splatter the lawn behind their house and the verdant Gran Pulse landscape with bright speckles that reflected dully underneath the heavy, cloud laden sky. Hands twisted in her lap, she resisted the urge to rake her hands through her petal coloured hair that hung down her left shoulder. Hope was somewhere in the kitchen, looking for things to throw together into something edible, and Snow...

Snow was out, assisting the army in evacuating citizens from the town in anticipation of the coming Eclipse. The burly fighter had refused to let either of them go with him, his excuse being that the doctor was coming over today to remove the last of her stitches, and that she needed Hope so as 'not to feel lonely'. She'd seen the real reason behind it, his pained ocean blue eyes that all but screamed "I need some time alone." She understood; quietly preventing Hope from arguing with the blond, watching his silhouette fade into the rain down the cliffside that led into town.

So here she was, sitting with her back to the windowsill, left shoulder pressed against the cold glass and watching the rain fall. The sight was strangely comforting... it distracted her from the inner storm that still showed no sign of calming, and here, quietly turned away from Hope... she didn't need to hide. Pressing her right hand to the side of her face and temples, Lightning tried, unsuccessfully, to assuage her inner emotions, but things didn't work that way. No amount of staring at the scenery and wishing her troubles could wash away like the stormwater down the city storm sewage system was going to make her feel any better. And I...

When they'd arrived home three nights ago, she had carefully avoided Snow and Hope, disappearing into the bathroom and then to her room, hoping that hiding under the covers was going to stop their persistent nagging. She should have known better that they - especially Hope - wouldn't be fooled by that and her excuse that she was 'tired'. She was tired... of the way she couldn't seem to keep her emotions and feelings in check anymore.

They could have died. That thought was unavoidable. That Snow and Hope could have very well perished that night... because of her, there was no way around that. At the time, it had seemed like the logical thing to do, but looking at it in retrospect... I couldn't have been more of an idiot. The thought that someone else could have died because of decisions she had made was like a mountain she could never hope to scale and set behind her. I don't deserve to be...

"Light?" A clatter of plates sounded somewhere to her right, and she turned her head slightly, seeing Hope at the dinner table. "Are you hungry?" The soft concern in his voice was still there, and Lightning hated herself more than ever at the thought because she knew she had been the one to put it there. He shouldn't have to worry... about me. I... I should have made sure he was okay. That he would be happy in a future that I fought for. When she didn't reply, he made his way over to her, perching on the rest of the window ledge not occupied by her. It was impossible not to look at him now. "You're doing it again," he mumbled miserably.

Burying her face in a hand, it was awhile before she replied. "I really-" She cut herself off before she could betray more about her current mental condition. "Really, Hope... just go and eat. Stop worrying about me." The words were a little harsher than she'd intended them to be, and she saw hurt cross his eyes - but he didn't move. Instead, he just sat there, and waited for the reaction she knew he knew was lurking somewhere.

He really didn't have to wait long before a choked gasp made its way up her throat; when he was right in front of her like that, she couldn't keep the feelings at bay for long. "Light... Look, you've been acting this way since we got home." A pause. "Can't you tell me what's wrong?" The words ended in a scared plea, and she saw the fear in his eyes again, the one that hold her he was scared of her going there again... into the chasm of depression.

A groan made its way past her lips, and Lightning didn't move the hand from her face, digging the nails deeper into her scalp. "Hope... it's- I'm sorry. It's nothing-I'm not..." Urgh. Why... is this so hard? "It's just... You could have died again... because of me." The last three words came out as a hoarse whisper. She saw confusion, then pained understanding cross his face as he reached for the limp fingers of her left hand, closing them in both of his. She found that she wasn't as offended by the touch as she should have been... but then again, with Hope and physical contact, she didn't know what 'normal' was supposed to be anymore. It had been awhile, a very long 'awhile' since she'd put up any sort of barrier between them when it came to physical touch.

"You're still worried about that..." The words were quiet and strangely pained. "Look, Light, we couldn't have gotten out of there if you didn't figure it out... stop thinking of the 'what if's', okay?" She observed him under scrutinizing blue eyes. He didn't look scared, nor did he look angry. Hope just looked like he was desperate for her to understand. And the funny thing was... she wanted to understand. She wanted to believe that, except her newer, weaker psyche wouldn't let her anymore. The old Lightning might have just looked at results and said to herself that so long as everything was alright in the end, then what happened to get to that outcome didn't matter. That's... that's not...

"Are you sure?" The words were as doubtful as she felt, as pain and indecision clawed at her interior again.

Slowly, Hope nodded. "Stop doubting yourself...okay? Remember what you told me? 'Despair will cripple you.' I know... I know you told me that to help me keep going in the Gapra Whitewood... but don't you see, Light? That's exactly what you've been doing... exactly what you've let happen and it's... It's not working for you."

To hear him quoting her, to hear him give her the same advice she'd given him so long ago, made some sort of inhibition inside dry up and shrivel like a mushroom that lived in the dark being faced with bright sunlight. He gave her hand a little shake, the slight fear back in his voice. "Okay?"

The only thing she could do was nod, once. That was when the doorbell rang, jerking them both out of the moment as they both glanced towards it. Pushing herself to her feet, Lightning started towards the front door. "I'll get it... It's probably the doctor." She couldn't deny it - to hear him actually say out loud that he didn't blame her... it did make her feel better. Like... like I've done the right thing this time. It makes me feel less useless. She fervently hoped that she had done the right thing, because now, there was no more room for mistakes. Wrenching open the door, she wasn't surprised to find the tall stature of the doctor they'd met at the hospital, bag in hand as she let him in. She saw him give her a quick once over, clearly scrutinizing her slender form, clad in a black camisole and grey sweatpants.

"Ms. Farron. I hope you've stuck to what we told you to do at the hospital. I trust that you're well?" If you count going out to fight following your orders, maybe. Not bothering to reply, she let him push her over to the couch, one of the ones that had been untouched since Serah's death. She hadn't wanted to sit there... just because she knew that the last time she had, she'd been sitting with Serah, but the doctor didn't know that. "Do you mind lying down for me?"

The man waited until Lightning had arranged herself into a sleeping position, her back pressed against the rough cotton of the couch before rummaging in his bag. It was then she noticed Hope hovering awkwardly at her shoulder. "Do you want me to leave?" The question was timid, unsure.

Do I? She knew the answer before she had to think about it. Just as she couldn't deny Serah's death would never stop being a part of her, she couldn't deny that there was some integral part of her that needed Hope to continue to function coherently... To keep living. "Stay," she replied quietly. Lightning tried to convince herself it wasn't some form of a plea.

When the doctor had pulled up part of her tank top, giving her instructions to hold it there just below her lungs, she saw Hope wince at the sight of the scar. "If you don't feel well, you should go," she murmured quietly, wondering if she should be glad she couldn't see what the doctor was doing. He shook his head, diverting his gaze back to her face. Lightning found that she didn't exactly feel awkward at the thought of having him see her half shirtless. The thought didn't bother her at all, now that she thought about it. Is it because... he's a kid? Or...

She took the hand he offered her with her left when the pulling began just below her diaphragm without hesitation, clasping the warmth in her cold, clammy fingers. Trying not to wince at the unfamiliar sensation, Lightning tried to keep her breathing calm, more for his sake than her own. Despite his refusal to leave, she could see that he looked a little sick - the thought was, oddly, somewhat amusing, and she chuckled slightly, glad that she could find some form of amusement in this, small as it was. "Maker, Hope... it's just stitches."

The small, innocently sheepish smile was impossibly warming. "I know... Doesn't it, you know, hurt?" The question held something of an embarrassed tone, and she saw his slight frown increase when a particular pull did, in fact, make her wince. Trying not to hiss between pursed lips, she shook her head.

"It's not that bad..." I've had worse... much worse. And there are injuries you don't see, but never go away.

They remained like that, the grip between their fingers slowly increasing as the pulling slowly moved its way down her abdomen, not speaking. She could tell Hope was thinking about something, but she didn't press him for it, letting the warmth of that moment calm her breathing and heartbeat. Closing her eyes for a brief second, Lightning wondered that, apart from Serah, if she'd ever let someone else become so close to her, both physically and emotionally. But Serah... Serah was family. Have I ever let someone else... in like this? She didn't think so. Am I supposed... I don't know what I'm supposed to feel about that.

That it was not what she'd always touted it to be, that was certain. As much as the soldier part of her hated her for admitting it, Lightning knew, just like before, that she couldn't deny that having someone else understand... was something she'd unconsciously been craving. Not like Serah... it hadn't felt right to dump everything on her little sister's shoulders. So that makes dumping them on Hope, who is not arguably younger than Serah, okay? That was where the warmth twisted itself around into doubt. I know... I know he said it was okay. But that doesn't mean I think it's okay... That wasn't even the whole side of the story. There was still...

There's still the question of 'what are we?' She was no closer to that answer than before... other than the fact that there was a part of her that depended, inexorably, on him for existence. Lightning wondered if he knew that, before she mentally slapped herself. Of course he did. She had as good as told him. How he felt about it, she didn't know, but there was no denying the warmth, the need for him to be alright for her mental stability. Is this what...

"She loves him. In what way, I don't think she knows herself. But they'll figure it out... eventually."

The words that Serah hadn't meant for her to overhear suddenly pounded too loudly in her brain, and Lightning could feel the familiar tickling of warmth make its way up her neck. Is this... She didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about what that would mean if Serah had been right... so long ago. No! The instant denial her body wanted to give was overriden by the onrush of thoughts and emotions. He's... a kid. Whatever else I feel, whatever romance there might be, it's wrong. It's wrong to think that way and it's wrong to even think that it's okay for me to dump that on him. Scoffing internally at the mere thought of the word 'romance', she didn't want to let her thoughts go further than that, but it seemed the norm now that she could no longer keep her emotions and feelings buried somewhere deep inside, kept in a tight box under lock and key.

Do I really want... It was wrong, undoubtedly and irreversibly. That if their relationship went there she couldn't not call herself someone despicable. But the other, weaker part of her, told her, foolishly, that age didn't matter. That she wanted the comfort and support their relationship provided. The most disturbing part of the whole thing was that she knew that part of her was right - she couldn't go on without him.

"Alright, Ms. Farron, we're finished here, do you mind turning around so I can take a look at your back?" The doctor's request snapped her out of her own private world of doubt, and Lightning turned onto her stomach obligingly, pressing her face against the rough pattern of the couch's fabric, glad that her expression was now hidden from everyone, namely Hope. Inhaling the clean smell of detergent, pressing her nose against it, she tried to snap herself out of the direction her thoughts were taking, but that was as useless as denying that she needed Hope. Maker... I'm pathetic.

I can't believe I'm letting myself... get so close to someone else again. If the whole thing wasn't as disturbing as it was, she couldn't but admit a part of her was scared as well. Serah got involved... because of me. Did she really want to see someone else get hurt because of her as well? Did she really want to lose someone else like she'd lost Serah? The emptiness inside wouldn't ever go away, and Lightning realized that she didn't want to inflict that pain on anyone else either. And... he as good as told me I can't die... either. She felt like screaming - the whole thing was so complicated, so intertwined with an agglomeration of feelings and emotions, that it was hard enough for her to accept, and it was only compounded by the thought that she could let herself feel this way when Serah was gone.

The last pull at the base of her spine ended with a somewhat flourishing snip. "See?" the doctor asked her cheerfully. "That wasn't bad, was it?" He hoisted his bag onto the coffee table, replacing the instruments as Lightning raised her head from the surface of the sofa. He gave her a little wave. "Well, I hope we don't have to see you at the hospital next time, but I do hope we meet again." She watched as Hope got up to open the door. "Don't worry, I'll see myself out." The lock of the front door had clicked shut before she bothered moving; pulling herself into a sitting position, Lightning examined the skin on her abdomen, now devoid of the black stitches that had threaded its way through the pink scar tissue. The sight did look a little frightening - it extended from just below her diaphragm to just an inch or two above the glinting silver navel piercing. I doubt... it's ever going to go away. Serah...

Pulling down her shirt with a small sigh, she looked up to the expectant green eyes of Hope. "I'm okay..." she murmured quietly. Apart from the fact... I still don't know, or want to know, how I feel about you. Making her way slowly back to her previous spot, she sat down with a huff, resting one arm over a knee that she brought up to her chest. He'd followed her, perching once again on the space opposite her, except that this time, she found herself feeling more awkward than ever when she looked at him. Maker, I can't even look at him now without thinking about...

"Light?" He was staring out the window at the rain that showed no sign of stopping. She followed his gaze, and with a jolt, she realized that he was looking at the cherry blossom tree that marked Serah's grave. She hummed a small response, unsure of what he wanted from her. "D'you think... we'll make it?" There was an overlay of fear in his tone.

"What... are you talking about?" Hadn't he just told her to keep fighting? He caught her slightly panicked expression.

"No! That's not what I meant... of course I think we should keep trying... it's just... I'm still scared. I know we defeated Orphan, I know we 'saved' Cocoon... but we..." His hand found hers automatically, and Lightning found that she couldn't tear her fingers away from his.

What am I supposed to say?

Hope hadn't realized that he was unconsciously reaching for her hand until her fingers were trapped under his desperate reach for comfort. He'd seen the shadows of pain and despair sweep across her unsettled blue gaze the moment he mentioned 'winning' and he desperately wanted to wipe that away. That's not what I meant... he thought miserably. I didn't mean to make her...

But the truth was, he was scared. Still. He thought some of it had been erased when they'd successfully defeated Alomere at the cavern, but seeing the doctor remove the stitches from her had brought it all back. How close we were to actually losing her too... "D'you think there's a future for us, still?" he finally choked out, afraid to even look at her. She hadn't fought his grip, and with a degree of some surprise, Hope found that she had moved her other hand to cover their linked fingers.

"I don't know," she whispered quietly. "But if we don't keep fighting... we'll never know. Besides... Serah..." she trailed off, pain and grief clouding the aquamarine gaze again, casting a shadow over her otherwise delicate features. Hope found himself gripping her wrist before he could stop himself.

"I don't want to lose you either. Light... please?" He heard her soft intake of breath, as she slowly lifted her wrist to slide back in his grip until both their hands were locked in the same mutual need for comfort. He forced himself to meet her gaze, almost shyly, almost as if he was afraid to see what her reaction would be to it. And maybe... I am.

He'd long looked up to her, looked to her for guidance and protection, before so many events had made him realize that he wanted to look after her too. He'd promised as much in Palumpolum, hadn't he? Those same events had ultimately morphed into something more, something he couldn't have predicted, even though now, looking at it in hindsight, he supposed he should have realized it earlier.

She was so much more than just a mentor, just a mother figure. What those feelings actually amounted to, he didn't know, but what Hope did know was that she was the singular person that meant more to him than anyone else. So much so that when they'd thought they'd actually lost her in the depths of her depression, he had to force himself to be stronger for her when all he'd wanted to do was cry. A soft touch on his cheek made him look up.

"Hey... I promised... right?" Her unsteady reassurance made some of the anxious thoughts cease to flutter around his mind, but he didn't let go of her. This time, it was her that slowly pulled her arms around his neck, pulling his head against her shoulder. "I know... I know I haven't exactly been the most... protecting of people lately, but... But I promised I'd keep you safe." Her voice dropped several decibels. "Even if I failed Serah, even if I never stop hurting... I won't fail you."

The impact of her words didn't hit him until a few seconds had passed, and slowly, he pulled his own arms around her waist. "Light... I just want us, us and Snow... to be alright. I want there to be a future for us. I..."

I can't say it. Not directly to her like that... Not... But she made no move to pull away, slowly pulling her grip tighter on him. It was only then he realized she was crying softly, her forehead against his shoulder. "Sorry," she apologized quietly, her voice quietly muffled as she moved a hand over her mouth. "I... I wanted you to be happy. I wanted you to have a happy, unburdened life... but that's impossible now."

What? She wanted... "But-" She cut him off quickly.

"I know... it's silly. Your childhood was probably gone the moment you stepped into the Hanging Edge... but there's a part of it I keep wanting to salvage. There's a part of it that I... well, I think could have been saved."

She was looking away from him now, pulling away from their contact, staring out the window at the cherry tree that swayed gently in the rainstorm breeze. He cleared his throat quickly. "Light... that's not stupid at all," he mumbled lamely, dropping his arms from her. She does care... doesn't she? The thought was touching, impossibly and endlessly warming. "I just want us to be okay. You know that...right?"

She glanced back, slowly wiping her eyes. "I'll try. I promise." He couldn't suppress the small smile, glad when she made no mocking or snappish response when he did.

This time, the embrace was mutual, and as Hope felt her heartbeat and breathing slow down to match his own, he wished that this moment could have been a part of their future... forever.

As silly as it seems... I'll never forget that she wanted to help. Even when it was beyond what she could reach.

*sighs*

Well... Hopefully that was okay - I struggled for awhile with a lot of those middle sections. *bites nails* And I'm sorry, Snow, I kicked you out of the house because the whole thing would have been awkward if you were home. At least you were doing something heroic, right? xD The next chapter should be up by either tomorrow or the latest Friday afternoon, not quite sure which yet, as we start to move into the final chapters of this fic (I don't know whether I should be happy or sad~ D:) I want to start spending some more time getting them right.

Anyways, leave love as always, and I'll see y'all next time!

Hearts!