So hi guys, and thanks for tuning into the next (and final!) chapter of NR! D:

Just a few notes this time before we begin - my long list of thanks and appreciation can wait until after everything that's going to happen... happens. I've used the dating system from XIII-2; honestly, I have no brainpower to think of a new one, and since everyone knows how the dating system goes in XIII-2, I just stuck with it. Also, the very famous (dearly beloved by me) song My Hands, by Leona Lewis, makes itself known in this final chapter as both the title and is used within this chapter; obviously, I don't own it.

Enjoy as always!

Chapter 59 - Epilogue: My Hands

New Bodhum, 4 AF.

I wake in the morning, tired of sleeping
Get in the shower, and make my bed alone.
I put on my makeup, talk into the mirror
Ready for a new day, without you.

Lightning slowly pushed the covers off her slender body, rubbing her eyes in the bright morning sunlight that poked through her window. Slowly making her way over to it, she pushed it open, letting the warm spring breeze push past the mesh on the outside of the window and tug at the pink tendrils of hair that were twisted over her left shoulder. Standing there for a few moments, allowing herself to breathe in the air from outside, she let it calm her breathing before she made her way into the bathroom.

Pulling her uniform over her head was something she did automatically, without thinking, before she realized that the people at the Corps Building had insisted she take the day off today. It would be a waste of time to find something else. Slowly unscrewing the top from one of the various tubes lying around her sink, Lightning gently pressed the powdery substance over her cheeks and under her eyes. Makeup was never something she had considered worth spending money on in the past, but she had taken to it to hide the shadows of sleepless nights and equally painful waking moments. It helped reassure other people that she was alright... even if the outer change did nothing to alter how she felt inside.

Going downstairs to the kitchen was something else she did automatically. In the years since Cocoon's fall and the Eclipse, she'd tried to hang onto the words of the military psychologist, of just 'going through the motions'. It wasn't that she never felt 'confident' anymore... it was that in the face of peace that had reclaimed the land, there was nothing else to strive for anymore... nothing else to protect. Robbed of a sense of purpose, the old depression had come creeping right back; only this time, she was more careful about showing it to others. If there was one thing she'd gotten better at since, it was hiding her pain and doubts somewhere deep, somewhere where she had hidden all those other emotions so long ago. She was glad that she had gotten better at it, even though there was no longer a need to hide it from anyone in this household: no one else lived here anymore.

Snow had moved to Eden, muttering about finding a job and starting somewhere new just a few weeks after the Eclipse had come to pass. She hadn't blamed him; Lightning understood perfectly his reasoning for going that way - the house was too full of memories, too full of happy times that would never come to repeat themselves. Just like her, without a purpose to distract him, to keep him going, Snow was as helpless in the face of his grief as she was. He'd last called her a couple of weeks ago to let her know that he'd be visiting her soon, when he could take time off the job he'd finally found.

It had been different with Hope. As much as he wanted to stay with her, as much as she could now admit she needed and wanted his presence, she'd steeled her will one last time, firmly telling him that he needed to complete his childhood, and that was by going to the high school Pulse Management had constructed in Eden. 'You need an education.' Those were the exact words she'd said to him, before she turned away, unable to even look at his expression after she'd said them, afraid of what it would do to her. So she'd shipped him off to Eden, to boarding school, before he could come up with a competent argument that would no doubt weaken her will and allow him to remain with her. Still, the connection between them was impossible to break, even when he was a hundred miles away. Her name was on the address they'd provided, and the schooling funds came out of her pocket. She hadn't minded though: it was the one thing she could do to make sure he could live the happy life she'd wanted him to. It's my way to make up for everything I've done wrong. He made a point of calling her every week, just to talk, and Lightning could admit that she looked forward to and wanted the opportunity to be close, even though sometimes, she could only watch the voice mail pile up on her messaging system, unable to summon the strength to speak with anyone when a particularly bad moment of memories and pain alike struck, usually triggered by something so small that her old self might have blown past it without acknowledging its existence.

Just the other day, in fact, she'd passed by a gift shop that had just opened on her way home from work. The words 'To a Dear Sister' on a greeting card in the window had almost made her go crashing onto her knees in the street. It was only after she'd forcefully squeezed her eyes shut and taken more than several calming breaths that she was able to walk away without looking back. She'd made a mental note of never walking home that way again.

Even so, it had been somewhat of a surprise, after all the years of following the simple instructions to 'just go though actions', when she found that one held something other than carefully controlled despair in it again. Those moments were usually small too: unexpected and simple, just like the way Hope had crept up on her; like the small bird that had made its nest in the tree just outside her window - she'd felt something other than her usual controlled, flat emotions when she witnessed one of its chicks first take flight. It had tugged at her in a way she hadn't expected it to, like the small ray of warmth in a newly uncovered place in a cave that never saw sunshine. Slowly making her way through the living room, Lightning took a breath before entering the kitchen - all too familiar memories flooding her consciousness when she saw the stove and fridge.

And I walk steady on my feet, I talk - my voice obeys me
I go out at night, sleep without the lights
I do all of the things I have to, keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright, I'm always wrong, cause...

She didn't feel like eating today; there was little point in going through the fridge when she didn't think she could keep it down. Lightning knew perfectly why everyone at work had wanted her to take the day off - but she hadn't wanted to agree. They don't get it... being at work, doing something keeps my mind off... Off everything else. It was different at home, where there was nothing to distract her, where almost everything came as a painful reminder to what had been... and what might have been. At first, it had seemed almost impossible to go through the housework by herself, almost impossible to face the stark reminders alone, before she had mentally slapped herself and told herself that she couldn't continue to think like that. So she'd tried the thing that kept her going in their fight: to remove herself from her emotions. It worked to a degree: she would be unable to feel the emotions during the actions, but there was nothing to keep the emotional backlash away after she'd finished and sat down somewhere to rest.

Serah and Snow's room had been the hardest. Lightning had felt like she'd been watching someone else go through those motions, and the only reason she went in that room was to clean it, not touching anything else, afraid of the small discovery that might trigger something else she couldn't control. She made no move to alter anything in the upper floors of the house - it was painful to look at and painful to think about, but it was less painful than going in to remove everything and throw it out.

Her feet had wandered outside, into the lawn that she'd kept meticulously, if only to distract her from everything else. The long, hot hours spent under the sun weeding and other assorted gardening motions helped keep her mind off things. That was something else she'd discovered: the more uncomfortable and the more exhausted she was physically, the less her mind tended to wander. The morning sun spilled across the verdant landscape, illuminating the one thing that symbolized what her life had come to revolve around.

Each fragile, pink patterned white petal reminded her of Serah. The tree had grown since Snow first planted it four years ago, its branches spreading over the grass like a protective blanket, pink and white blossoms holding their shape in the morning breeze, outlined by faint photons of sun. Her hands scraped across the rough surface of the bark, unfeeling, and yet, feeling everything this tree embodied. Pressing her forehead to the bumpy texture, Lightning tried to use that uncomfortable surface to make her forget.

It was impossible. She could as easily chase away those memories and those feelings like she could bring down Cocoon's eternal shell with one blow. There was no running from the fact that it had been today, four years ago, that Serah had died.

Suddenly, she was running, before her mind had processed why exactly her body was reacting this way. There was only the overwhelming desire to run, to get away from the reminders and that was all she could comprehend. There was only the realization of 'away' and 'here', and she couldn't stand being 'here' anymore.

I talk about you now, go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now, I stay home late alone
And I don't see you everywhere, and I can say your name easily
I laugh a little louder, without you.

She was breathless and flustered before she looked up to take in where her desperate attempt to get away had taken her. Holding one hand to her chest as she tried to calm her hoarse gasps for breath, Lightning realized where her flight had taken her to. Possibly, it was more painful than where she had left, but there was no going back now. Her hands found the crystal base of Cocoon's shell surprisingly cool and smooth to the touch, as she tried to use the crystal structure as something that would return to her the intangibly beautiful wings she wanted to regain so badly... the wings that had been snapped the moment she knew Serah was gone, the wings that she had never found the strength to pick up the pieces of.

Slowly raising a hand to rake through the sweaty pink locks of hair, she looked up at the immense, amaranthine crystal orb, hung in silence above her. It embodied just as much as the tree: sacrifice, love, determination... everything that had defined her life up until this point. Closing her eyes, Lightning tried to use the coolness of the surface under her hands to soothe the rising storm that was starting to build up inside, even through her attempts to control it back into the flat landscape she'd managed to keep it at. It was impossible - every year, on this day, she had hid under the covers, feeling too lethargic to even attempt to get out of bed. She'd tried to take to sleeping pills to escape, but they only granted her dreams that she would have done anything to get out of. So, last year, she'd made the vow to actually try and do something on this day... anything to distract her, and it was working just as well as trying to hide in sleep. So absorbed was she in those thoughts that she didn't hear the footsteps behind her until they were almost too close to her.

"I thought I'd find you here."

And I see different shades now, and I-
I'm almost never afraid now,
But when I think I'll be okay, I am always wrong cause...

For a moment, she froze, unable to process or understand the meaning behind the remarkably simple statement and just what it implied. She knew who it was before she even had to turn around, but she didn't want to. It was only when a soft, gentle touch on her left shoulder pushed her out of those thoughts that Lightning summoned the strength to turn her head back.

Her instinct hadn't been wrong. He was right there, platinum hair touched to a soft gold by the rising sun, dressed in a hastily thrown on school uniform. He'd been walking for awhile, she could see that.

"Light..."

Unable to say his name, she let his grip on her shoulder tighten, noticing that now, it was him that looked down on her. "You've gotten taller than me," she mumbled lamely, unable to find an otherwise suitable statement that didn't betray her thoughts. Hope chuckled, reminding her of the kid she'd taken under her wing all those years ago. That much... hadn't changed a bit.

"Goes to show how much you miss... when you start hiding yourself from everyone." So he hadn't missed that. He'd known her reason for shipping him off to school four years ago, away from her, away from the future he wanted. He caught her expression the moment those thoughts crossed her mind, proof that he knew her almost as well as she knew herself when his response caught up to her thoughts in a heartbeat. "Look, Light... I'm not blaming you. I get it... you wanted me to be happy, to live a normal life." For some reason, his intonation on the word 'normal' rubbed her the wrong way.

"Is that wrong?" Her statement was carefully flat, carefully controlled, though she didn't think it would be for much longer.

"No! It's not..." His voice softened. "I get it. You want the best for others... but what about you?"

"What about me?" she hissed back, jerking away from him defensively. Hope... just stop, stop talking... Leave me alone.

He scrutinized her for a long moment; Lightning found it uncomfortable that he could now look down on her like she was some sort of pathetic weakling. And maybe... that's exactly what I am. Someone who's only going through life because I made more than one promise to exist. "Don't you remember what you promised?"

He had to bring that up, didn't he? She knew he hadn't forgotten, but he didn't know the extent to that her pain and despair had eaten away. He didn't know that she couldn't do anything other than go through the motions, hoping that one would finally mean something, hoping that one would finally find some bigger meaning that would reopen life before her. He continued before Lightning had a chance to open her mouth.

"Light... I know you haven't exactly been doing well. But... don't you remember? You promised that you'd try to keep living... where is it?" The last words were almost a plea. "What happened?"

Everything happened. Unable to keep going, unable to keep living after she'd completed the one thing that kept her fighting, she'd crumbled under the pressure, letting her depression take over again...when there was nothing left to fight for. Her anguish had never stopped to be a part of her, but it seemed that in the moment the future she wanted to see came to be, it had come in and taken over the space left by the determination that had evaporated, quite literally, the morning after the Eclipse. And without Hope... she'd let it. It was probably her fault that that had come to pass, but she'd told herself over and over in the ensuing years, that it had been the right thing to do. He needed a normal life... and he also didn't need to spend his time with someone who couldn't fight her way past depression that had never left.

Hope's strong grip suddenly supported her, gripping both her shoulders; Lightning realized she'd been about to fall. "That was blunt... Light, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that... I know you've been going through hell-"

"I know." Surprised that she had cut him off, Lightning found herself looking up into the familiar emerald gaze, looking up into the one expression that had convinced her to keep going all those years ago. And surprisingly, she found that she did know. She hadn't said it because she wanted him to shut up, she'd said it because she'd meant it.

Sometimes I wake, I see them reaching out for you
Quietly break whatever shields I spent so long building up.
I cannot fake, cause when they cry I'm unspoken;
They miss holding my baby...

"I know," she repeated again, softer this time. "Hope... I'm sorry. I know how much... I know how it feels like to be pushed away by someone... Someone you love." There. She'd said it. The one word that meant so much, the one word she'd never allowed herself to say after her mother's death, because she didn't believe in it anymore. A gentle caress on her cheek surprised her for a moment, before Lightning realized she was crying again, silent tears not unnoticed by him.

"Light..." He was staring at her with an expression that was a mix of both surprise and understanding, and suddenly, she couldn't bear to look at him anymore. Turning her head away, she tried to get out of his grip, but he didn't let her. In this moment of her vulnerability and his determination, he was stronger than her.

He always has been. The moment that thought crossed her mind, Lightning knew it to be true. He'd looked up to her then because she could fight, because she could lead him to the fal'Cie Eden. But he was stronger where she was vulnerable - he'd let his mother's death empower him, lead him, as misguided as those feelings of rage were, whereas as she could do was kneel there and let every painful blow of Serah's death render her powerless against it.

He tried again. "Light, look... I know I've said it before, and I know you must have heard it a million times in these years. But... life goes on. And maybe, maybe the Eclipse was what brought you back last time, but don't you see? This is the future you fought for, and this time... there's nothing that you did wrong." Hope sounded as desperate for her to believe him as she had all these years trying to convince herself. "Death is hard... and we know you'll never forget, but..." He hesitated. "But Serah wouldn't want you to stop living because she's gone. She wouldn't want you to continue to hurt even after so long. Sure... I didn't know her like you or Snow did, but I do know this: she loved you, and when you love someone, you don't want to see them in pain."

Lightning didn't know what to make of his words. That he believed they were true, there was no doubt. That he wanted her to move on, there was also no doubt. But did she? What... do I want? Searching inside, she realized that his words held some pigment of truth - they hit some deep, integral part of her she didn't want to let out. Letting the full impact of his words embrace her, Lightning realized, that deep inside, in some place she hadn't wanted to breach because it was too painful, she wanted to stop hurting. She wanted to move on... it was only that she never allowed herself to do so. Every time she thought she tried, the feelings would come back and snatch her, pulling her back down.

Would I be... betraying Serah if I said I wanted to stop remembering? She didn't know the answer.

"Light, I wasn't lying back then... when I said I needed you." Glancing up, she realized he was still looking at her with the same sad expression in his soulful viridian gaze, the same ones that had told her all those years ago that he'd been scared. Looking away again, slowly raising a hand to bury her face into, at first, she had no idea how to reply. Then, the words came, hoarse and rushed, as her emotion took hold of her again.

"But... I'm sorry." Her last two words came out as a choked whisper as she tried to embody everything she'd done wrong with him, or to him, in the last four years. "I'm sorry... for pushing you away. I..." I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I didn't know if it was okay... for 'us' to exist, even if it was the future I wanted. That much was true. The moment she'd achieved 'her' future, she'd bailed in the face of it, unable to process how she was supposed to feel and unable to think through how she felt about him. And so, she'd shipped him off to Eden, hoping that the distance would help her sort it out, hoping it would make up for the vow she couldn't give in her pain. Only that plan had backfired on her; instead of helping her realize what was and what wasn't, it only made her feel less certain about what they were. Instead of getting a better idea of what their relationship was, all she found that she could think about was that she needed his support, and she had not only deprived herself of that, but she'd also probably hurt him while she was at it.

My hands, don't wanna start again;
My hands - no, they don't wanna understand,
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find...

She didn't realize her forehead was resting on his shoulder until he gently brushed strands of pink hair out of her eyes. Gently, he pressed a finger to her lips, suddenly reminding her, starkly, of Serah, who had done the same thing so long ago. "It's okay... like I said, I never blamed you."

There was a long while where neither of them said anything, and she let the soft warmth of his hand that lingered on her cheek warm her. It had been so long since there had been any sort of human contact that had meant anything to her that she didn't pull away. "I need you too," she finally whispered. "It was stupid... I never should have sent you away when you didn't want to leave... Not when..." Not when the need was mutual. Not when we both knew what was between us, not when I knew I was scared of what might have been.

"It doesn't matter... I'm back now, alright?" She let him slowly pull his arms around her waist. This time, it was her who was leaning against his throat, feeling their combined heartbeats as she slowly calmed her breathing to match his, letting the calm drive her thoughts and emotions. He was right... just as he'd been years ago. Serah was gone... and like he'd said, she'd never forget. Last time, she'd let her sense of purpose pull her out from those depths. This time, without that, she wasn't sure if she could keep going. But it was also true... she wanted to stop grieving, as selfish as that thought was. There was a part of her that was tired of being in pain, tired of trying to hide it from everyone and struggle through her days like a despairing marionette on strings.

"Thank you." Her voice was muffled against him as she slowly reciprocated the gesture, slowly pulling her slender arms under his. "I promised... I'd try, didn't I?"

"You did," came the reply. "I want to see you actually try this time." The words held the smallest hint of amusement, as Serah's words came back to her, echoing across the time and space; its meaning transcending the medium in which it had been delivered. 'It'll be something beautiful that will come to exist in the future you fought so hard to save. I promise.'

Pulling back hesitantly, Lightning examined his face for the anger and betrayal she'd for so long imagined would be there the moment he graduated from high school. Finding none, she found the hesitant expectation heavy in his emerald gaze... and there was something else. She struggled to place it for a moment, when finally, trawling through her memories, she found it. It was the same way Serah had looked at her, when she had agreed to let her go on her 'expedition' with Snow. Even now, admitting it to herself was hard, as a pinprick of embarrassment stabbed through her when she finally accepted it for what it was, what perhaps had always been.

"I...I know."

Her response seemed woefully inadequate, impossibly empty for the 'connection' that Serah had said existed so long ago. But just like that rainy day on the windowsill back at her house, she understood. Understood what it meant as a future for 'them', understood that neither of them needed to say it to confirm something that had begun so simply as a soldier looking after a terrified and anguished teenager, to what they were now. She was, quite simply, someone who needed the support and warmth she knew he would give... and as for him? He had as good as told her the same - the warmth of that was impossible to push away; the strange thing was, Lightning realized that there was no longer a reason to. There was only one logical thing to do - and that was to embrace this moment, to embrace all that had been and all that would be.

She didn't pull away when he gently pressed his lips to hers.

My hands: they only agree to hold
Your hands; no, they don't wanna be without
Your hands, and they will not let me go

No, they will not let me go.

Oh. My. God.

Oh my god.

I can't believe... it's over. *whimpers* I will not start crying, I will not start crying...

I can't believe that NR is over. *hugs herself* It's been such an incredible experience to write, and an incredible experience to delve into the FFXIII world and to develop and explore the characters that Square Enix has given us.

And thus begins my long, long list of thank yous.

First off, to all my readers, supporters, everyone who stuck with me and bore with me through all of this. I couldn't have finished NR without you, and I want you to know that. So, thank yous to: Snipperrolf, SquallRocks, OscarMerrinoz96, GCFarron, ziel101, Mylaervain, Zapper90, H-thar, Lightarcana, Crystal, Whistlewind Wolf, thewhitespirit, Erifrats101, That One Reviewee, Pilaris, Guardian of Valhalla, madapocket, SoraHikaru, Nas, Dhampire12, GazerBlitz, and all the other anonymous reviewers who sadly didn't leave a name for me to call them by. (And if I missed you, I'm sorry - I crunched through so many pages of reviews... hope I got you all).

Of course, hearts to LadyAlaska, without whom I would never have found the courage to put this fic up.

I never expected so much love, and so much positivity towards what was the very first fic I had the intention of finishing and actually publish on this site. *cries* Thank you all so much!

To all the artists whose songs I have used throughout this fic - thank you. Your songs helped inspire so many points and set the theme for me to write by.

I am also eternally grateful to Square Enix, for blessing us all with the game Final Fantasy XIII. The game came at a time of personal difficulty, and Lightning endeared herself to me before Chapter One was even finished. And of course, eternal reverence goes to Lightning herself, who will never stop being a part of my life, and who I hope we will all get to play in Final Fantasy XIII-3, which, Square, by the way, had better be announced soon. You trolled us all with that ending to XIII-2... apparently crystal stasis is a 'happy ending' *rolls eyes*.

Now, onto the good news:

I'm not leaving just because NR is done, in fact, I already have a new fic in the works. This one is a XIII AU, more focused on Serah and Snow (but where is one of my fics without my dear Lightning? xD Of course she'll be in it) than NR was. If you guys have read my oneshot Concrete Angel, it's similar in themes and ideas explored to that. That it'll be dark, there's no doubt about it. It's actually been in the works for quite awhile, and I'll actually be posting Chapter One very soon, as I did finish it while struggling through this epilogue - when I needed a break. It'll probably be only be sporadically updated until the end of June or so, just because well, I already know from that one chapter that it's going to be harder to write than NR for sure, and the beginning chapters especially, I want to set the tone right. Why after the end of June? Well, I'll have more time then and have taken a bit of a break from slaving away at chapters. I've already decided on a name for it though - my next fic will be entitled Unwritten.

So, with that, I bid you all sayonara, and hopefully I will see you all in Chapter One of Unwritten!

Hearts!