Utterly ridiculous and just the way I like it.
Warning – slight AUish.
Disclaimer - Me no own Babylon 5 or its wonderful characters. All I do own however are the plot bunnies that like to torture Marcus on my behalf.
Not Again - Poor Marcus. He really should learn to stop wreaking havoc everywhere he goes.
….
The purple and green Drazi problem still hadn't been fully solved yet. Commander Susan Ivanova was the green Drazi leader and was therefore able to order the rest of the green Drazi to cease killing purple but the tension of animosity still lingered in the air between the two sides of the race. It had officially gotten on Ivanova's nerves so bad that she made the fatal mistake of inadvertently complaining about it to Marcus. The ensuing chaos became a favorite story to tell and retell among gossiping residents for years to come.
"Purple. Green," she muttered as she gestured with one hand for each color, pacing up and down the tiled floor in the captain's office, eyebrows furrowed in extreme frustration mixed with confusion. Marcus was leaning against the wall near the office doorway, a half smile forming while watching the oblivious commander mumble to herself. It was quite amusing to him actually.
"Green. Purple. Purple. Green." She kept repeating the two colors over and over. The silent Ranger began absentmindedly juggling his prized Mimbari pike between his hands as he waited for the most opportune moment to surprise her. She was completely oblivious he was even in the room with her and he gleefully looked forward to her expression once announcing his presence.
She always did have the most interesting reactions after all.
"I highly doubt the colors will magically switch themselves. Might want to take it up with the universe if you want that to happen." He grinned at her expected startled look as she whirled around to face the direction his teasing voice had come from, hands still raised halfway in shock. Ivanova immediately schooled her expression back into a neutral one once spotting him leaning against a wall and lowered her arms, stance straightening to her normal stiff commanding pose.
"Is there something I can help you with Marcus?" The question was asked in a very polite manner yet he caught an underlying tone indicating she was annoyed at him for catching her off guard once again. "I thought you were off catching shadow bunnies or something.
The Ranger didn't let her coldness faze him. He was used to it by now.
"Oh, you know," his grin merely grew wider at her frown in reaction to his flippant tone. "The badgers living in my pants took care of them for me. Bloody convenient having those things around, wouldn't you say?" He raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of him with one hand holding on to his condensed Mimbari pike as he patiently waited for her mask to crack.
It did after only three seconds. A new record for him to celebrate over later.
A muscle in her forehead visibly twitched. She smiled at him tightly, eyes burning in irritation. "Really?" The one word was drawn out in a sickly sweet tone. Marcus kept his grin even as his eyes narrowed dangerously at the deceptively calm female commander. "Then I'm assuming you wouldn't mind me spacing your clothes since no pets are allowed aboard Babylon 5 and you can go gallivanting around without them."
The grin vanished. "You wouldn't…" He pushed off the wall, green gaze watching the Russian's every move like a hawk. She smiled so brightly he thought he would be blinded.
"Try me," the words were issued as a challenge, one Marcus never wanted to take. He knew exactly what happened when someone tried to cross Susan Ivanova. Many suddenly found themselves waking up with a splitting headache, several black marks on their face in the forms of X's and O's and a note taped to their back reading "Kick me for I have broken the Babylon 5 mantra and must be punished."
Marcus didn't want to end up another one of her pitiful victims. He thought it was prudent (for him mostly) to switch topics so she wouldn't keep entertaining the thought of knocking him out anymore (he knew by the malicious glint in her blue eyes that she rather liked the idea a little too much and internally shivered at the endless possibilities she could and would inflict upon his poor person).
"Why were you pacing Susan?" He causally asked instead, cautiously resuming his previous position, albet with more muscles tensed in preparation in case he would suddenly need to dodge an angry Ivanova and run for his life.
The Russian female scowled. "Drazis," the way she spoke the one word made it seem like that was all he needed to know about the problem. Marcus remained quiet, knowing there was more to the issue at hand. Sure enough, Ivanova began furiously pacing the floor again. "They're being a pain in the behind. They have two factions - green and purple. The colors are chosen randomly of course. The problem however," she paused to catch her breath, running a frustrated hand through her free hanging dark locks as the Ranger pursed his lips, "is their little war between the different factions has disrupted the station. I am currently the leader of the green faction but fat lot of good that's done for me." The last half of the sentence was mumbled under her breath, making him wonder if she had meant for it to slip out.
Marcus rubbed his bearded chin in thought. "Why not just take the purple leader sash as well?"
Susan stopped dead, eyes widening in realization. "I could then order both factions to stop fighting." Her pace resumed with more vigor just as sudden as it had halted as her face lit up in excitement, voice reflecting the same emotion through her next words. "As they are sworn to follow either the purple or green leader, they will have no choice but to comply!"
He grinned at her again. He really liked seeing her like this, he silently concluded.
"And I'll get the purple leader sash for you," the Ranger volunteered with an outrageous bow from the waist, one hand stuffing his condensed pike back inside his dark robes. Ivanova's attention snapped back to him, trading her pacing for staring in stunned disbelief while remaining still.
"You?"
"Yup." He popped the 'p' for added dramatic effect.
She immediately shook her head. "No. No way. Not under my watch, Marcus."
"Why not?" He whined playfully. The Russian jabbed a finger in his direction.
"The last time I let you 'get' something for me, you completely trashed not only the captain's office, but his quarters and mine as well!" He managed to look innocent for 2.3 seconds. "I still can't look at Londo without remembering the whole embarrassing thing!"
"Don't worry," he mock saluted her, smiling widely when her hands made the motions of ringing his neck. "I promise to be on my best behavior this time." Then he swept out of the captain's office with a soft flutter of his Ranger's robes before she could blink or throttle his stubborn hide, leaving a very troubled female commander behind.
Ivanova stared unblinkingly at the empty spot he had vacated for a full minute before sighing in dejection. She knew he was going to do it. That wasn't the concern. He would be able to snatch the purple leader sash with no problems.
It was always the inevitable resulting chaos after that made her stomach drop in dread.
How would she explain to Sheridan if it was G'Kar swinging from the ceiling of Delenn's quarters wrapped in Londo's bedcovers this time?
….
When a loud explosion rocked the station four short hours later, Susan knew it was all Marcus's fault. He had done something to cause it and now it was up to her to clean up his mess again. After what had happened last time, she had vowed to never let him go anywhere near flarn and coffee again. Who knew Centauri are allergic to flarn and get wildly drunk off a mere sip of real black coffee? She was still perplexed over how he had even managed to get inside her quarters to steal said real coffee.
It seemed Marcus was full of surprises.
With terrible visions of one of the ambassadors in a complicated and more than likely comprising situation, she rushed toward where the explosion had gone off. Sheridan and Garibaldi were already there, both trying to herd all the gawking bystanders out of the way. Zack was nowhere to be seen as was Delenn. Ivanova took it as a bad sign that both the Narn and Centauri ambassadors were missing too.
The captain immediately cornered her. "I thought you were keeping an eye on him?" He whispered fiercely to her.
"I was!" She answered just as fiercely quiet.
Sheridan raised an incredulous eyebrow and jerked a thumb back at the smoking hole behind him. "You call that watching him?"
The Russian threw up her hands in exasperation. "Alright! Alright!" She glared at the hole and growled, "I'll find him." Sheridan gave her a calculating stare. "I will." She reiterated stubbornly, hoping to convince both herself and the captain. If Marcus had indeed done what she feared he had done, she wouldn't be the only one out on a witch hunt for his head.
John turned toward Michael. "See that you do commander." He said as he returned to herding the gathering bystanders away from the explosion area. Susan started for the hole, ducking inside with a hand covering her nose and mouth to keep the dissipating smoke from choking her. She stopped in horror after straightening and letting her vision clear to focus on the scene laying out before her.
"I'm gonna kill him." She stated in a matter of fact tone as little flecks of glitter that floated in the air landed on her. A glistening string of round balls of paper littered the hallway, some stuck to the ceiling and upper half of the walls. How they actually stayed in that position was beyond her at the moment. Everything screamed it was all that annoying Ranger's fault. He had caused this disaster and now she had to pick up the pieces he'd scattered.
She really hoped this incident wouldn't cause the alien races to band together against the humans.
Then again, she mused internally as she carefully walked down the messy hall, eyes searching for a raven head, if the League did come together because of Marcus, I would gladly throw him to them more often.
Her ankle was suddenly yanked sideways, causing her to crash to the floor and barely managing to stop herself from doing an unexpected face plant on the hard ground. She glared down at the hand that had forced her movements then slowly followed the arm to a head with tuffs of raven hair sticking straight up, bright green eyes twinkling out of a face streaked with glitter and black ink, a happy grin aimed at her. He was crouching within a way-too-small-for-him box, shadows hiding the rest of his body from her view. He looked like a little kid.
She couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of her chest at the ridiculous image the Ranger presented. His grin turned sheepish as he crawled out of the box, quickly scanning both directions as he moved. Ivanova pushed herself to a sitting position, noticing he had yet to let go of her ankle. She opened her mouth to ask him if he had an answer for all the glitter and stuff decorating the hall but was cut off by the loud sounds of running footsteps.
"There he is!" Susan almost gave herself whiplash as she whipped her head toward the source, eyed going wide at the huge bunch of glittering Drazi at the end of the hallway. Marcus didn't give her time to squeak any protest when he shot up onto his feet and yanked her with him, tugging her along behind him by way of grasping her hand. She thought it odd how she didn't immediately rip him up one side and down another for daring such an action. Maybe deep down she knew it was more important at the moment to flee with both of their heads intact than waste precious seconds yelling at him. Besides, once safe from the indigent aliens pursuing them, she could then proceed to do her favorite pastime.
"Get him!"
"Marcus," she had to shout over all the angry yelling behind them. The Ranger tilted his head in acknowledgment as he headed for the hole that she had originally come through. "What did you do?"
"Well, I might have accidently interrupted a sacred fight." He replied at the same time he ducked back through the smoking hole. Ivanova didn't get a chance to comment on his answer; she became distracted by cringing at the four people who were on the other side. Sheridan had been quietly conversing with Delenn in a corner while Garibaldi discussed something with Zack nearby. Now the four were staring in complete shock at the two of them as Marcus rushed by with the Russian in tow. Right before they turned a corner, Susan thought she caught a smirk on Sheridan's face, a secret little smile from Delenn, Garibaldi grinning in amusement and Zack having a slack jawed expression. Apparently, if she was correct in what her eyes had seen, Michael's second in command hadn't been there the last time Marcus caused a huge ruckus aboard the station. This thought made her sigh; she would have a lot of explaining to do later that was sure to leave her with a pounding headache.
It wasn't until they were heading down a quieter corridor that she finally spoke up. "Interrupted a sacred fight how?"
The Ranger gave a half shrug as best he could while sidestepping a few stunned humans and Mimbari wondering outside of their quarters.
"I think it had something to do with the glitter…"
She really didn't like how his voice trailed off at the end. It gave her terrifying images.
"They're getting away!"
"Stop them!"
"He disrupted the Sa'jal! He must be punished for the disrespect!"
"Glitter…" The Russian commander mumbled to herself, gaze returning behind her, somehow knowing Marcus would keep her safe on their mad dash. She stumbled at the subconscious knowledge, the display of trust.
When had that developed?
"Say," the Ranger began in a casual sort of tone while sharply turning down yet another corner to a less populated corridor. The tone instantly put her on edge.
Oh heavens. What was he going to ask for now?
"If we survive the next 24 hours," he didn't even look at her as he continued speaking. Ivanova wondered why when he usually always did previously. "Would you like to go to dinner with me later?"
Well. She had been right. He would choose now to ask her something utterly ridiculous like that.
Did he have absolutely no sense whatsoever of when it's appropriate to ask a question like that?
It most certainly was not now.
"We are running," she paused to quickly inhale, already running out of breath, beginning to finally notice a slight burning sensation on the backs of her calves due to all the unexpected exercise, "from an angry mob of Drazi," her voice gained volume because of building stress and complete surprise the man could be THIS clueless about the situation he had put them both in, "who, might I remind you, are out for your head…" here she had to pause again to suck in another breath before continuing her teriad, "and you want to know if I'll have dinner with you later?!" Her usual calm composure was rapidly disappearing. She shook her head in an effort to calm down, struggling to reign in her turbulent feelings, not wanting to show any external reaction to his stupid question.
He was probably doing this just to rile her up. That was all. That had to be all it was.
She couldn't afford to let it become anything else anyway.
Marcus chuckled warily, weaving in, out and around the people moving in the corridor. "There's nothing like an angry mob of Drazi chasing you to put all your priorities in order." The cheerful response literally made steam come out of her ears.
That.
Was.
IT.
She was officially going to murder him then bring him back just so she could have the great satisfaction of killing him once more. His only warning about her dark intentions was a low enraged growl.
The bunch of Drazis skidded to a stop when a very satisfied Russian commander suddenly appeared wiping the palms of her hands together and humming merrily. They stayed silent, suddenly wary of the woman most definitely in a very good mood heading straight for them. Several highly considered hightailing it out of there because of her expression alone. They all felt pity for the poor fool who had been on the receiving end to cause that happy, relaxed look.
"Ah, hello!" Susan greeted the aliens with a wide smile. A few Drazi outright shivered. "I believe you were looking for Marcus correct?" She raised a questioning eyebrow though the mob knew perfectly well she didn't need any confirmation.
"Yes," the one at the foremost end near her bravely answered in a cautious voice.
She clapped her hands in delight. "Good! Because I prepared him for you." At the confused looks she received in response, Susan jerked a thumb behind her. A low pitiful moan came from around the corner. "He's right over there." The Drazi group grinned at each other before nodding in thanks and giving her a wide birth as they moved around her. Her smile turned dark.
"Just make sure he remains in one piece!" Ivanova called out over her shoulder. She snickered at the following squeaks, pleas and yelps, secretly hoping Marcus would get completely humiliated. That just might make him shape up some.
The thought had her laughing evilly all the way back to C and C.
….
The Drazi purple leader sash laid forgotten on the bed in Ivanova's quarters. She wouldn't find it was there until going to bed that night.
An unconscious G'Kar wrapped in Londo's bedcovers swinging from Delenn's ceiling would later be discovered by a very shocked Lennier.
The Mimbari marveled at the odd ways the other races showed friendship.
Perhaps he should ask Delenn if he could be included next time?
….
Oh. My. GOODNESS! Just the thought of Lennier swinging from someone's ceiling makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe.
What an idea…
Please let me know what you thought of this ridiculous one-shot. My muse could use the warm fuzzies.
Lightning Mistress