Chapter 23
Brea's alarm wakes me up. It screams out demanding he wake up, but being the second day of the weekend, he doesn't listen. He reaches his arm out, still half asleep, and slams the button on the clock so it falls silent again. He's not ready to get up, and neither am I. I slowly drift back into sleep, I'm almost there when I feel a wave of nausea hit me. It wakes me up and forces me to dash into Brea's bathroom and vomit.
The sound of my gagging rouses him, and he rushes out of bed to hold my hair and rub my back. When I'm done I thank him, and tell him to go back to sleep.
"I'm awake now," he says in a groggy tone. "Can I make you anything for breakfast?" I shake my head no, the thought of eating right now isn't a pleasant one.
"Adley, you need to eat, and you will if I have to force it down your throat. How about some of the soup I made you yesterday?"
"Just a little bit of that, Brea please not much I don't feel like throwing up more today."
"Well you're going to have to get used to it babe, that's gonna happen all the time now. You're knocked up, it's going to happen for the next three months. You're going to be sensitive to smells that you didn't even know you hated. You're going to hate me, you're going to have mood swings, it's all completely normal."
"I don't care what's normal, I don't want to throw up the whole day, I don't even know why it's called morning sickness if it lasts all day. I don't want to do this, I didn't want any of this Brea!"
"And you think I did!?" he booms. "Do you think I wanted to get you knocked up? Do you think I stopped taking those pills so you would? Well guess what Adley, I didn't. I kept taking them. I accidentally skip one day and boom this happens. It's hard for me too Adley! I loved you and I didn't mean to do this to you, but there's no getting out of it now."
"You loved me," I say.
"Yes I loved you," he says exasperated.
"That's just it, you loved me. You don't anymore, you basically said it yourself. I don't know what's keeping me here, but if you don't love me then send me the fuck back Brea. I've been tortured enough, I can handle a little more. Hopefully I die during childbirth so I don't have to deal with this anymore. They're going to take the child away from me anyway, so what's the point in living."
"Don't fucking say that Adley, I still love you, it's just, different now. It's a weird kind of emotion where I want to give you up because I don't want this baby, but I want to keep you. I can't have you without the baby, but if I lost you I wouldn't have a child. It's a hard choice but your still fucking here aren't you? So maybe not all of it is gone, maybe it's just a new feeling. I don't fucking know, but you're not going back to that place to have that baby. They are just going to use you to create more and more children until you do die. You can only have so many kids before your body is ruined. Is that really what you want? To go back and feel like this the rest of your life until you die, or until you grow old, or they just don't want to use you anymore and they euthanize you? Because staying with me sounds way better than going back there."
Tears run down my face, how am I supposed to choose between this, a man that doesn't love me or going back to a place that will use me until I'm no longer useful to them. I don't know which is worse. One is physically worse and the other is emotionally worse. I rise from the floor where I still sit and walk through Brea's bedroom to his door. I can't be around him right now.
"Adley wait," he sighs, grabbing my arm, stopping me from going any further.
"No Brea, I need to be alone."
"You can't just run away to your room every time that you're upset. Get in here we're going to work things out."
"No Brea, there's nothing to work out, you don't love me, this baby has changed everything, you don't want to move, you are only moving because of me. You don't want this baby, you don't want me."
"So what are you saying? You want to go back to that horrid place?"
"No never," I scoff. "I'm saying set me free."
"Set you free?" he clarifies. "Just let you go and try and survive in the city on scraps?"
"Yes."
"No," he doesn't even give it a thought. He keeps hold of my arm, he won't let me go no matter how hard I try to break free. "I'm not setting you free, you will die. You'll starve to death, and so will your baby, is that what you want?"
"I won't starve," I say as Brea looks at me in disbelief.
"Adley, when they brought you in, you were malnutritioned, your BMI was very low, you were on the verge of starving. They had to wait a long time just to put you out there for sale."
"How do you know that?" I ask.
"What you don't think I did my research?" he says raising an eyebrow. "I like to know what is coming into my house."
"Oh." I didn't know a customer could even do research on us before they take us into their home. I guess they should be able to. I don't know.
"Yeah. Let's get you downstairs and get something in you." I don't argue with him, I just go. He's not going to let me go into my room, so why bother fighting him. I'm going to be stuck with him the rest of my life, have a child with him that he doesn't even love.
We march downstairs and he warms up a bowl of soup for me, I throw it up shortly after I eat it. It's like this every time I eat. I can't keep the food in me for long. By the time dinner comes around I'm tired of Brea trying to force me to eat. I'm tired of throwing up that soup, or anything for that matter. I'm no longer hungry, the thought of food makes me want to throw up all over again.
"Adley, you have to eat," Brea says as I'm laying on the couch. "You need three meals a day. You're thin to begin with."
"I don't want anything Brea, I'm sure the baby you don't want will have enough to eat for today. I'm hoping it eats what it wants before causing me to throw up everything."
"Stop it, if I didn't semi want this you would be shipped back. Now if you want to stay here you need to eat, because if you don't I will have to take you back because the hospital that we have only offers medical care to males. Therefore any medical care that I can get you for anything will be at that facility, which means they will take you away, you will have that baby alone, and I'll never see you again. Now is that what you want?"
"No," I say. He's right. It is better to stay here with him than going back.
"Good, now you can starve yourself all you want in Sweden, then I can take you to their hospital and they will force feed you, and if you won't do that, they they'll stick a needle in your arm and pump in nutrition that way. If you try and pull it out I'll sit there with you. I will not stand here and watch you not eat, now do I make myself clear?"
I nod my head yes, but don't way a word. Brea gets up and walks over to the kitchen, pouring another bowl of that horrid soup and handing it to me. "Now if you prefer I make you something else, I will, but this seems to be the only thing I can get you to eat lately."
"No, this is fine," I tell him and take a few bites. "Do I have to finsh this whole this whole thing?"
"I would like you to yes."
"But I don't have to?"
"No," he sighs. "I suppose you don't have to, but you should. After this I think we should work on reading a little bit. Do you think you can read some of the words that I taught you?"
"Oh yeah, I've been practicing," I say. I have been trying to in between everything else, throwing up mostly. It's really the only thing I can do while I'm here.
"Okay, good. Maybe I'll teach you some longer words then today. Let you sound them out."
"Sounds good," I tell him, taking the last bite of my soup. "I don't want any more. I'm full."
He sighs. "Okay, if that is what you want," he says. "Let's get started on that reading lesson. Then we'll go to bed."
"Okay." He must be planning on a long reading lesson. It's only a little after 5. Brea doesn't normally go to bed until 10. He gets out his word books and teaches me some more words, showing me how to write them, my hand writing is getting a little better, or so he says. I think it looks terrible, but what do I care.
When he's tired of teaching me he closes the book and looks at me. "You're getting better he says, but I think we both need a break. How about a shower before bed?"
I nod my head and he leads me upstairs into his bathroom. He turns on the water and turns to me. He slowly closes the gap between us and grabs the ends of my shirt and pulls it up over my head gently. He watches intently, eyeing every inch of me as I unbutton my pants and slide them down. He does the same, and I can see that he's hard and wanting me when he releases his drawers. He ignores his growing erection and steps into the shower, extending his arm out to me to join him. I take his hand and step into the warm steamy water with him.
He gives me a moment to let the water slide down on me, and then reaches for a cloth and soap. He squirts some onto the cloth and lathers it, then slides it over my body, my breasts, my arms, my belly, then my back and between my legs. I do the same for him, lathering the soap and the scrubbing him down, washing every inch of him he moans in enjoyment when I rub the cloth over his erection.
I let him rinse off, teasing him by not touching him, and then turn off the water. He hands me a towel and covers himself with one, drying off each other Brea picks me up, holding me by my bottom he carries me over to his bed, bending down he plops me on the bed, leaning over me he kisses my neck.
"Do you want this?" he asks as he breaks away. My judgment is clouded, I don't want him, but I do. I don't want to be with this man that doesn't love me like he used to, but I want him here and now to satisfy me.
"Say something Adley," he says. I'm stuck. I open my mouth but no words come out. Brea sighs and climbs off of me, throwing his towel on the floor he puts a pair of boxer shorts on over his great length.
"I didn't say anything," I tell him leaning up.
"You told me enough," he says crawling into bed. "You're not into it."
"I never said that! I do want you."
"No you don't. You wouldn't have hesitated if you did."
"It's complicated Brea, what do you want me to say?"
"Um- either a yes or a no would be nice, but don't worry, I got the hint."
"Look I'm sorry, it's complicated. I want you Brea, but it's hard to get in the mood when I know that you don't really have that connection with me that you once had. It's hard to feel that way when I know you don't love me the same way you used to."
"What are you talking about? I still love you Adley, how many times do I have to say it? I love you it's just different now, I wasn't expecting me to get you knocked up after missing a pill for one day and taking it the next. I didn't know they were that sensitive. Look I'm sorry for what happened but I'm not the worst out there. I know you don't think so, but there are a lot of others who would have just shipped you back. I think you're better off there than here, that's for sure. So you can live with me and know that I at least care about you, or I can take you back where you will be used like a dog. It's your choice, right now you're going to decide because I'm tired of having these arguments. I'm not going to have another one. It's me or the cell you were ripped from."
I stare at him in horror. I don't want to be here, and I definitely don't want to go back, but Brea is the lesser of two evils for certain. Even if he doesn't love me, he still cares for me enough not to send me back, that must be something at least.
"You, I choose you," I say with tears filling my eyes.
Brea shows no sympathy, he only nods. "Good," he says. "Now get some sleep, I need you to get to bed and get some rest."
I roll over to the other side so I don't have to look at him. He is so heartless sometimes. I don't understand why. Maybe I am that much of a pain in the ass to him. I don't know, but it frightens me that at any moment he gets tired of me he can take me back, dump me off at that horrid place, and never come back.