I breathe a sigh of relief as I close my bedroom door behind me. Getting back here was no small task. Who the hell knew they employed night guards? I regret having to leave Ayumu in bed, but I had no other choice, being caught sneaking out of the boys dorms is too horrific even to imagine. Getting back into my own dormitories proved to be a challenge as well, I briefly considered phoning Ikuno to lower a rope before I chanced on a lapse in concentration to sneak back inside.

Last night was interesting to say the least, I've never let someone touch me like that. My skin still feels electrically charged where his fingers ran, but it was more than just the intimate touches. Being held at night was wonderful, it felt as if I was safe from my dreams, even my ghost of a hand didn't cause any trouble.

Deciding to be lazy for the rest of the day I quickly strip off the clothes I had only recently put on, slipping into my sleep shorts and a T-shirt that, according to the smell test isn't too old. It's comfortable at least. Slumping down in my office chair I consider my options, I've already completed all my homework and Ikuno will still be aslee, I bet she noticed I didn't come in last night. It's too early for a million and one questions.

The stack of envelopes that has laid abandoned on my desk since track day catches my eye. They have been taunting me for days. I thought I wouldn't hear any excuses made for my father's absence, for what he did to my mother. So why am I so desperate to find something to exonerate him?

Unsurprisingly all the letters have been opened already, presumably by my grandfather. Happy to lie but would hate to be kept out of the loop. Hands shaking slightly I untie the string binding the bundle together, carefully looking through the correspondence I decide to start with the oldest date I can find..

June 4th 1997

Dear Miki,

Hello sweetie, I bet your feeling very confused about where I am. The truth is I did something I regret very much and I'm not going to be able to see you for awhile. I want you to know daddy misses you more than anything.

I want you to be a good girl for mummy and remember I love you very much.

Daddy.

I stare at the words, unable to move. This is the man I remember when I think of my father, the person who would come home from a hard day at work and before even taking off his coat join me for a tea party or take me outside to play. I've tried not to think about these happy memories over the years, with my father gone they just reminded me of something I could never get back.

I take a deep breath, pulling out the next letter.

In a envelope dated for my ninth birthday, I pull out a hand drawn birthday card, I don't really know what the drawing is meant to be, either a pony, a cat or a dragon depending on how you look at it. It's the thought that counts. There's a long gap before the next letter, it's very similar to the first. Full of niceties but no information.

After comes a card for my tenth birthday, hoping I had a lovely time. As I recall my mother was passed out on that day so my grandfather took me out for ice cream, I was too young to really understand what was happening, I snort remember how I thought it was normal. Laying aside the card I find a envelope that looks hopeful.

January 17th 2000

Dear Miki,

The year 2000 already! Granddad tells me you went with him and mummy to see the fireworks in Tokyo it must have been really existing. I know your granddad is never without his camera, could you ask him if he can send me some photos?

Remember a new year is a new start, a time to forgot about all the things that made you sad or angry last year, know that your loved more than you can imagine. Even if I'm a long way away, I'm still thinking about you.

If you ever want to write back just ask your mum or granddad they will help you, hope to hear from you soon.

Love Dad.

My mind drifts back to those fireworks six years ago, I was so excited to be wearing my new Yukata marvelling at the lights of the city. Sighing I push my stump into my stomach, I knew it wouldn't stay dormant for long with all these thoughts running through my head. I was told having a tranquil frame of mind can help with the pain, fat chance.

Needing some air I open the window, letting in the soft sounds of rustling trees and gentle birdsong. Below me in the grounds some early rising students are making the most of the morning sun. I return to reading at my desk, feeling increasingly helpless. Tearing open another handmade birthday card I notice a thicker than average envelope.

February 24th 2001

Dear Miki,

Your grandfather wrote to inform me he has not been passing on my letters. I struggle to understand his reasoning, but if he thinks it's what's best for you I have no choice but to agree. After all I just want you to be happy. To be honest I'm relieved, waiting for a reply that never came was worse than any punishment they can think of here.

Your grandfather in his letter expressed a wish that I stop writing to you, but I simply cannot. If something were to happen to me I would never see you again, I would never be able to tell you what I want to tell you. My only option is to keep writing to you and hope one day you get to read my words.

Now on to the original subject of my letter, middle school. It has been awhile since I attended but I can still remember it clearly. It's a strange time, everyone is trying to find themselves and making a lot of mistakes in the process. I'm sure you will as well, but don't worry, mistakes are part of growing up, they don't last forever.

While at school you might be tempted to change yourself to fit into a crowd, my advice is to avoid this. The star that burns alone burns brightest. I don't mean that you should not make friends, just to ensure the friends you make like you for who you are, not who you might pretend to be.

I love you more than you could ever know and hope with everything I have that one day read this message and look upon me with kindness.

Dad.

PS: Absolutely no boys.

I smile softly to myself, if only I had his advice years ago. Though I would have ignored him more than likely. As for mistakes not lasting forever a sharp stab from my left hand disproves that, but I know what he means. The things that used to keep me up at night during middle school, the childish arguments and spiteful spats feel like they happened a million years ago. I'm amazed he chose to keep writing though, I don't know if I could have done the same.

I lean back into my chair unwrapping my thirteenth, fourteenth and fifteenth birthday cards one after another. I guess despite his words he didn't have much worth telling me for three years, then again who knows how much my grandfather told him about my life. The next letter of note comes on the eve of me starting high school.

March 28th 2005

Dear Miki,

High school, it's hard to believe how much you've grown. Your grandfather sent me the photos of your middle school Tanabata festival. You looked beautiful if I do say so myself, I'm so proud of you. Now a new chapter opens in your life.

This is the time that you choose where the course of your life will take you, I won't begin to presume to tell you what to do. But I can offer some advice. I left school with poor grades, due to my laziness and disregard for schoolwork, upon leaving I started to work at a local factory making furniture I could never hope to afford.

Slowly despite many hardships my life started to become better, I met your mother and we had you, my proudest achievement. The best thing I will ever do with my time on earth, with this responsibility I worked night and day to support you. It was hard work, but paid well. We were content.

Only I'm lying, because I was never content in that job, I felt as if my soul was being drained from the moment I arrived until the moment I left, my only consolation was you. I don't wish to imply I resented you for the hours I had to keep, I would do so again with a smile. I simply wish to tell you how important it is to find something you love.

Many people treat work as a means to an end, a mundane chore that must be completed for life to progress. But there are some who wake up in the morning with a smile on their face knowing they will be doing what they love, I want you to be one of these people. Follow your dreams Miki, don't let anything ever slow or stop you.

I love you, so much.

Dad.

Ps: Still absolutely no boys!

I place the letter on the table as the first tear stains my cheek, I thought I was abandoned. I thought I wasn't loved. And because of someone's best intentions I've been kept in the dark for close to ten years. But that's not the worse part. The worst part is that the people who have betrayed me are my family, the only people I have ever loved. There's no escaping that.

With shaking hands I unfurl the last letter. It's the only thing I can think to do.

January 28th 2006

Dear Miki,

Your grandfather wrote to tell me about the accident, I know this message is unlikely to reach you. That you will be laying in a hospital bed thinking I have abandoned you, just know nothing could be further from the truth.

I've not even been told the extent of your injuries or the exact nature of the accident. For the first time in close to ten years I planned to escape this place, to be with you when you needed me most. But I'm an old man now, my health is not as it was and I venture it's little more than a pipe dream.

In a few weeks I will be speaking in front of a parole board and I hope that all going well I will be released, I hope very much to see you. Though I'm old enough now to know that sometimes dreams do not become reality.

I hope that you are okay and that I see you soon. I love you, never forget that.

Dad.

Dropping the letter onto the desk my pulse starts to race. Even after my accident, even when I was alone and confused, even then they could not trust me with the truth. I want to punch something, scream at the top of my lungs how unfair this all is. My phantom hand clenches tightly in my lap, though in support or mockery I can't be sure. I need to do something.

I stand up sharply. I have to see him. Dressing in record time I nearly fall into the hallway in my haste to get out. Disregarding even the basic necessities for travel I flick open my phone quickly finding my grandfathers number from my contacts, I listen to the dialling tone as I head in purposeful strides to the steps.

"Hello Miki?" His voice is hushed.

"I need to come home, right now, I need a taxi or something." I speak quickly, hitting the first flight of stairs.

"What Why? Miki, slow down."

"I've read the letters, you, you," my mind races through words serious enough for his crimes. "Monster!"

"Ah," he says defeated.

"I need to see him, I need to talk!" I nearly trip in my haste to get down the next flight of stairs, I manage to save myself by clutching the handrail with my stump.

"Hang on Miki, please, just hang on."

"Why should I?" I growl.

"Just let me arrange something, please, don't leave the school," he sounds desperate. Serves him right. "Just say you won't leave until I phone back?"

"You have half an hour," I snap, hanging up the phone.

Now what?

- - -

I sit cross legged under the stairs glowering at the phone on my knee, people passing on their way to breakfast stare at me curiously but thankfully ignore me. I don't feel like talking. My phantom hand seems to roar in displeasure, opening and closing its fist, stretching and twisting my fingers.

After what seems like an impossibly long time my phone rings, echoing all the way up the stairwell.

[Mum: Calling…]

"Mum I don't want to talk about it!"

"…Miki?" A timid male voice answers.

"Dad?" I didn't think I would call him that. If you had asked me a few hours ago I would have said you were mad to even imagine it. But now, now it feels right. I feel like I know him, at least a little.

"I read your letters, I'm sorry."

"Oh Miki, Miki, you have nothing to be sorry for," his voice cracks slightly. "I hardly recognise your voice, it's been so long."

"I want to come and see you," I say softly.

"You have school sweet," he chuckles weakly.

"I don't care," I say quickly. "You've waited so long…"

"Exactly, I can wait a little longer," he sighs softly. "I'm afraid you've inherited this families knack for acting with our hearts before our heads." I giggle softly, my heart rate slowing.

"I guess, sometimes I lose my temper," I frown. And argue with my best friend nearly splitting us apart forever. On the other end of the phone dad laughs.

"When will I see you then?"

"Your grandfather mentioned you had a three day weekend soon?" Do I?

"Err.. yeah, I'm not sure exactly when." I stumble a little, best not to let on I don't even know when my own holidays are. I should really listen more, or rely on Ikuno less, one of the two.

"Excellent, we will see each other then," he pauses, "I can't wait." He does not sound well, though he mentioned in his letter he was starting to feel his age.

"We could talk now?" I suggest.

"I think it would be better face to face sweet. We have all the time in the world" I sigh, he's right. Feeling a little stupid for acting so rashly I say my goodbyes, drawing them out for as long as I can. Having read the letters I felt like I had been robbed of time with my dad, that I had to make up for years in hours. I can't reclaim the past. I can't get back what was taken, I can only do my best with what I have left.

"Miki?" I look up into the wide blue eyes of my best friend, Ikuno was apparently not asleep but judging by her overstuffed bag catching up with student council stuff. "What are you doing down here?"

Wait, student council this early on a Sunday, seems unlikely.

"I spoke to my dad," I reply softly.

"Oh?" She sits down next to me, her brow creased. "About the letters?" I nod slowly.

"Are you okay?"

"I think so…" I get to my feet slowly, waiting for her next question, but it never comes.

If she doesn't know I didn't make it in last night, that can only be because she didn't. Then that means she must have spent the night with Ryouta.

"Miki?" She asks nervously.

"Sorry half asleep, did you have a nice evening last night?" I ask, trying to sound innocent. She looks away quickly, her ears glowing red.

Oh you little minx.

Together we start to climb the stairs, Ikuno and I have a lot to discuss. She's going to want to know what happened on my date, before I would have avoided the questions with everything I had, but I don't think I want to now. It's not good to keep things from people you love.