I'm so sorry I haven't been keeping up with the updates. Only one more chapter after this and I'm done with this story. Sorry for the long wait! It's been a rough road lately with complications with my pregnancy. I've been in and out of the hospital and when I'm not in the hospital as a patient I'm working there doing my actual job there and pulling all sorts of overtime due to under staffing. The only thing I ask is when you read this chapter keep in mind that I have no idea what child birth feels like or a whole lot of what happens in the delivery room. This is my first child that I'm having so I'm still learning and have no idea really how to write about it for Adley. As always, reviews are appreciated.
Chapter 32
"It's okay Adley, just hold my hand," Brea instructs me. I'm lying in my bed at the hospital, cringing while they insert the needle into my vein. "It will all be over soon, I promise, just keep squeezing my hand." It's a small pinch, but that's only the first step. There's going to be so much more after this. So much more.
"How long does it take for this to work?" I ask the doctor. He's standing over my bed, watching as they poke and prod me, inserting different fluids into my arm, trying to get things going.
"Well, your cervix is already dilated, so it shouldn't take too long for the drugs to kick in and do the rest of the work. I'll be waiting for that to happen, the nurse will give me a call when your ready to start pushing or if there are any more complications."
"And you have no idea how long it's going to take until I pop this thing out?"
"No, no one can ever tell how long labor is going to last and when you will be ready to start pushing, but I'm hoping it goes fast for you." I nod my head. God I just want this to be over, can't we speed this along? I'm so sick of being big and huge and uncomfortable. I'm sick of being a punching bag, sick of the back pain. I just want this baby out.
Brea turns on the TV and we flip through the channels until we can both agree on something as I wait for the drugs to work. It's not long before I feel unfamiliar pains. They get worse and worse, lasting for a lifetime before they disappear for a moment, then reappear, for just as long if not longer.
"You okay?" Brea says after a contraction hits. I gasp for air.
"Yeah, I'm okay, just starting to feel them that's all."
"Want me to get the nurse?"
"No, no I'm fine." I pinch my eyes shut. Damn this hurts. How long does this last? Brea links his fingers in mine and lets me squeeze his hand every time a contraction hits. It goes for minutes, and then stops. It's awful. It's truly the worst pain I have ever felt.
"Adley, I don't think you're okay, I think I need to go get the nurse."
"No, Brea it's fine. This is how it's supposed to be. It's going to hurt."
"Well I know that but I can get her to give you something that will ease it a little bit."
"It's okay, it's not that bad yet. I can deal with it a little longer." Brea scowls at me and gets up, going out the door of my room, to get the nurse no doubt.
I wait a few minutes ,angry that Brea has ignored me, but in enough pain that I really don't care enough to yell at him. It's not worth it, not now.
Brea returns a few minutes later, with the blonde haired nurse in tow. She walks behind him and uses her name badge to swipe a little black box on the top cabinet in my room. It opens up to be a medicine cabinet and rummages for something. She finds a bottle and a long almost curved looking needle. She shoves the needle through a hole in the top of the bottle and draws the fluid through the syringe. When she is finished she turns to me.
"Okay, I need you to sit up and bend into a "C" shape, I'm going to give you this for pain."
"I didn't need anything yet."
"Well your husband told me differently, your sure you don't want it?" Another contraction hits and I'm gripping the rail of the bed, gritting my teeth and breathing deeply to try and sooth it as best as I can.
"You still don't want the medicine?" The nurse asks.
"Might as well do it now versus later," I say sitting up and bending my back. She rubs my skin on my spine with an alcoholic swab and then prepares the needle. I feel a stabbing pain in my back, right between the bones in my spine. I want to scream, this is almost as bad as the contractions, almost. It's a different kind of pain.
Brea is just standing off to the side of the room, watching as the nurse injects the serum into my spine. It's like he's scared, like he doesn't know what's going on. He should know, he's read tons of books on it, what will happen, what to expect. I think he knows more of what is going on at this point than what I do, which is almost scary.
The nurse inspects her work, checks to see how far dilated I am, and then leaves the room. Brea walks back and sits in the chair next to the bed that I lay in. He takes my hand in his once more. Every contraction is horrible, but the pain is lessened. Minutes turn to hours. I don't want to eat, I can't eat with all the pain I'm having. Brea sneaks away for quick meals, and then is back at my side once again. It's becoming to be too long. Almost a whole day is passed and after multiple ultrasounds and scans and blood drawings, the medical professionals decide that I'm not progressing fast enough, which is a godsend, because nearly a full day of being in labor, I'm starting to get irritable and cranky, not to mention worried for the health of my baby.
The doctor comes in at eight the next morning and looks at my cervix. He says I am dilated to 6 cm. Almost there but not quite. "I will be back in an hour, and if nothing changes we will look into alternate measures of birthing."
"Like what?" I ask.
"Well, sometimes if the drug to induce you doesn't work out, there is another way to birth other than vaginally. We can do a C-section."
"Which will be what exactly."
"We will numb you up a little more, prep you for surgery and then make an incision to extract the baby." I almost lose it. That seems like a terrible idea.
"You're going to put me to sleep for this right? I'm not going to be awake while you cut me open?"
"Well we can't exactly give you an anesthesia drug while you are in the midst of labor, that would cause complications for you and the baby, so you would be awake for the entire procedure yes." God I hope I can dilate fast enough that the second option doesn't happen. Having someone cut me open and tear the baby out of me doesn't really seem like a pleasant time at all, not that pushing a baby out seems fun either, but I certainly don't want to watch as they cut me open.
The doctor exits the room and walks down the hallway, leaving me in a panicked state. What if I don't progress at all in an hour? What if I have to be cut open. Will I be able to handle it? I need to breathe, I need to relax, to try and think of different things.
"Don't worry about it Adley, it won't be as bad as you think, some women actually prefer a C section."
"Well I'm not one of them. The thought of cutting me open while I'm still awake doesn't do anything but worry me Brea, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to have to watch that."
"You won't be watching it, they'll put a sheet up so that you don't have to look. It will help you stay calmer and you won't feel a thing Adley, they'll numb you up pretty good."
"I don't care I don't want it done that way."
"Well when he comes back in an hour we'll see, but if nothing happens you're not going to have a choice. It's what he says. He's here for your safety and the babies, not to do things how you may want them. Its going to be okay Adley."
"I don't think so Brea."
"It will be, don't worry, I'll be right here with you the whole time, I won't leave your side. I promise, we'll get through this together."
"Easy for you to say when you're not the one in labor." Brea purses his lips and I can tell I've struck a nerve.
"You're right I don't know what it feels like, but I'm here to support you, so at least there's that. I don't want you to do this alone Adley, and if you want to be mad because I can't feel your pain, fine, but I can't help that, but I can help the fact that I'm here."
"I know, I'm sorry Brea, I'm in a lot of pain, I'm sorry if I'm grumpy." I don't want to fight with him, even though I'd love to bark at him right now, remind him that this whole thing is his fault in the first place. I bite my tongue. It's not worth it.
"It's okay Adley, it's not your fault. I know you're in pain, and I feel really bad, but I'm scared too. It's not exactly easy for me to sit here and watch you be in pain, knowing there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't have any power, I'm as powerless as you are."
"I'm sorry, I guess I didn't think that you felt that way too. I'm just scared Brea, it hurts and I'm scared."
"I know you are, and I'm here by your side. It wont be long now, I promise."
"That's what I'm scared of," I whisper quietly. Brea looks at me with sympathy and takes my hand. He squeezes it and plants a kiss on the back of it.
"It's going to be okay," he says running his thumb lightly over the skin on my hand. Another contraction hits me, and my grip on his hand tightens. Brea inhales sharply and I know that I'm hurting him. I try and back off a little bit.
"It's okay Adley, it's not even close to the pain that you're feeling," Brea says at the end of the contraction.
"I know but I don't want to hurt you too, it's bad enough that one of us is in pain."
"Adley, it's fine. I can handle you squeezing my hand. If it's too much I will let you know okay?"
"Okay," I say and try to distract myself with the TV. Brea and I watch it together. It's getting close, my hour is almost up. I'm hoping that I won't have to get a C-section. I don't want it to happen that way, I don't want to be sliced open.
I have fifteen more minutes before the doctor is supposed to come back and the nurse pops her head in. "Are you doing alright in here?"
"Alright isn't really a good term, but I'm as good as it can get I guess," I say.
"Okay, still having the contractions?"
"Yes."
"And how far are they apart?"
"I haven't really been paying attention."
"It's every few minutes. They are very very close together. I just..." everything cuts out as another contraction hits. I can't concentrate on what Brea is saying. I can't concentrate on anything. Everything is so bright, I pinch my eyes shut.
The nurse gently grasps my arm. "Mrs. Kahline, your cervix is fully dilated."
"What? How do you know?" I ask. How could she know without looking.
"I checked. You don't remember me asking for you to part your legs so I could take a peek?"
"No, I don't." I shake my head. I'm really out of it. Concentrate Adley, come on focus on the nurse, not the pain.
"Hello, hello, how are we doing?" asks the doctor.
"She's fully dilated, she needs to start pushing."
"Well perfect timing. Let's get started. Let me just suit up here and get on some gloves and we'll birth this baby."
"Sounds good," Brea says. Easy for him to say. I'm scared, no I'm more than scared, I'm terrified. How am I gonna be able to do this?
"Okay, Mrs. Kahline, there's a contraction coming up, I want you to push until I say stop," he says as he places himself between my legs.
I wait for the contraction to start. It hurts so bad. "Push," the doctor commands. I do as I'm told, pushing with all my might. I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. Everything seems so blurred.
"Push, come on Adley," Brea says and squeezes my hand. I push again as another contraction starts. I want to scream, but I can't. I could barely let out a whisper. Little breaths escape from my lungs, small feeble ones, I don't understand how I'm getting enough oxygen into my brain, but I'm living and pushing with all my might.
"You're doing great Adley, you look beautiful baby, I know you're strong enough to get through this. I know it hurts, but it will all be over soon," Brea mumbles in my ear.
"Shut up," I breathe.
"What?"
"Brea, I love you, but shut up. I am not trying to be mean, but this hurts more than you could imagine. Please just stop talking." I barely get it out at a normal octave. I almost whisper it.
"I'm sorry baby, I didn't know I angered you so much." He looks hurt, I didn't mean to hurt him. I just wanted him to stop talking, words of encouragement are not helpful right now. Words of progress, however, are valuable.
"How is everything going?" I ask to the doctor.
"It's looking good, I'm starting to see a little bit of the head, things are starting to appear," he reports.
"Ugh," I would have thought this thing would be halfway out by now. I want this to be over, but the pain is unbearable and it keeps getting worse.
"Push again, one more time Mrs. Kahline," the doctor says. I push, hard, and I feel intense pain, like I'm being ripped in two.
"Again," the doctor commands. I thought he said I only had to push one more time. Lying piece of shit. I push, and push and push several more times. I'm tearing in two. I'm ripping apart.
"The head is out Mrs. Kahline, give me one more push and -"
"One more push my ass," I say under my breath, but I do as I'm told. My eyes pinched shut, my teeth clenched, I push. A cry splits through the air. My body relaxes, the doctor holds a bloody blob into the air. It's the thing that is crying, my baby.
"Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Kahline, it's a healthy baby girl. Mr. Kahline, " The nurse takes it and holds it for me to see as they clean her off, my precious girl. My angel. The nurse gets her wiped off decently enough and then wraps her in a blanket and hands her to me.
"She's beautiful," I whisper as she lays in my arms. Brea strokes his fingers through my hair, not taking his eyes off of her.
"She looks just like you," he says and kisses my cheek. If I could smile wider my face would break, I'm in ecstasy. I'm so happy I'm crying tears of joy. The pain is numbed by my baby's cry, it's loud and continuous, but it is beautiful. It's hers and I'll never get tired of hearing it.
A loud beeping alarm streaks through the air. Deafening my baby's cry and sending everyone into panic. The nurses run and gather supplies, one of them takes my precious baby away from Brea, another takes the brake off of my bed and hurriedly unplugs it from the wall. They slam all of the rails up onto the bed and then rush me down the hallway, not bothering to explain why or what they are doing. I try to ask, but nobody is paying attention to me. No one is answering my questions, Brea follows behind the nurses, shouting at them, but I can't understand what he's saying. I can't decipher anything. Everything is muffled. It's hard to hear.
Eventually we get to a set of double doors and after that I don't hear Brea's voice anymore. I don't hear much of anything except for loud beeping. I hear the clanging of tools, nurses in robes crowd my blurry vision. My vision gradually becomes darker and I get one last chance to whisper "what's happening?" under my breath before a nurse shoves a mask onto my face, telling me to breath in. I do it instinctively, not because I want to, but that's all the more I can do now. My vision has faded to shadows, my hearing is muffled, but it has to be the drugs, just the drugs pulling me under.
As I grow weaker my faith grows stronger, I will be reunited with my daughter, I can't wait to see her shining face after they clean her up and they let me wake up. I let the drugs pull me under, I let them calm me, I rest peacefully for the first time in a lifetime, and it feels good.