WOW I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO UPLOAD THIS TO FF. My bad! If you want timely updates, you should probably follow this story on ao3 instead. Anyhow, please enjoy!
This was based on a true story.
"Say, Ukitake. Do you think I could get out of work if I chopped my own pinkie off?"
"Kyoraku, I dislike doing paperwork just as much as anyone else, but I don't think anyone in their right mind would cut off their own finger just to avoid working. Besides, you get out of doing work just fine with your fingers. There's no need to take such drastic measures."
"Hear me out for a sec. I don't really need my pinkies, right? If anything, they really get in the way of wielding my zanpakuto. So, what's the best solution? Cut them off! Also, my lovely Nanao-chan has been horribly cruel to me lately. She's been standing around outside my office, refusing to let me escape until I've finished with my paperwork. Desperate times call for desperate measures, my dear."
"Yes, but as soon as Unohana-taichou repaired your injuries, Ise-kun would just make you get back to work again."
"So then I would prolong the treatment! I could pretend to pass out or say I'm allergic to healing kido or something. Trust me, this is a sound plan."
"Oh, so it's a plan now?"
"Absolutely! Hm, but...I'll need your help, Jushiro. Your assistance will be absolutely vital, and as my lover and sole confidant, you have no choice but to accept."
Ukitake sighed softly. "I have a feeling this isn't going to end well."
The pained shout of her captain had Nanao running down the halls before she could even contemplate why he had been crying out in the first place. She frantically opened the door to Kyoraku-taichou's office, a fearful expression upon her face.
"Taichou! What-?!"
She didn't have the chance to ask her question before she realized the answer was right in front of her. Her captain was standing beside a worried Ukitake-taichou with a large piece of cloth draped over his hand. The cloth, which had once been worth quite a bit of money, was covered in the blood of Nanao's taichou.
"Kyoraku-taichou, what happened? What did you do?"
"We can talk about that later, Nanao-chan. Right now I think I really need to go to the fourth. I might faint from blood loss or something."
"Right. I'll take you there. In the meantime, you can explain to me just how you managed to get into this mess."
"Aha, funny story...er, Ukitake, why don't you go ahead and tell Nanao-chan? I've got to save my strength and all." Kyoraku smiled meekly, looking to his best friend.
"Oh- Uh- Sure!" Ukitake-taichou sped up so as to fall into pace with Ise-fukutaichou, who was already hauling her captain out of his office. "So, you see, Kyoraku was jokingly holding a small ball of kido up to his finger, saying that he could probably get out of work if he destroyed it. Then he lost control and, well...it was a mess. Be thankful that you weren't there, Ise-kun."
Nanao turned her head to stare at her captain, looking rather befuddled by what she had heard.
"Really, Taichou? You lost control of a kido? Honestly, only half of me is surprised, but still…"
"Now, now, Nanao-chan. We both know that you're the kido expert here. I am nothing before your great mast- oof!"
He had been interrupted by a swift smack on the head from his assistant.
"You don't have to be a master, but you are a taichou. You should know better."
"I wasn't exactly in my right mind. I've had a bit to drink today, and y'know…"
"Taichou! It's far too early to be drunk!"
Kyoraku flinched and shifted to walk beside Ukitake, who failed to quite realize he was being used as a human shield. "I'm not drunk, Nanao-chan! I've just had some alcohol, and it sort of impaired my motor functions a bit."
"That's more or less drunk, Taichou. Either way, it's unacceptable behavior."
"Relax, Nanao-chan. It's just a pinkie."
Ukitake reached out to flick his forehead. "Don't speak that way to your fukutaichou, it's rude."
"Have some pity, Ukitake! I'm dizzy from blood loss, I'm not thinking straight!"
His friend only smiled. "You brought this upon yourself."
"Ah, so you're leaving me on my own now, are you? What a terrible man you are, Ukitake, and to think I ever loved you!"
Ukitake released another sigh. It would not yet be his final time doing so that evening.
"Don't be so dramatic. I'm only saying that this is your own fault."
"If you two will stop your quarrelling for a moment," Nanao suddenly cut in, "You will find that we're arriving at the fourth division's medical wing."
"So we are," said Kyoraku, tilting his head to stare up at the building. Nanao wanted to chalk it up to her imagination, but she could swear she had seen her taichou smirk at his lover, despite their previous bickering with one another.
"That's good, too, because I think I could pass out any second now."
She didn't visibly react to his words, but if Nanao shoved him into the building with a bit more haste than strictly necessary, neither Kyoraku nor Ukitake mentioned it.
They were lucky to find that the fourth division was hardly busy. Beyond the usual gaggle of eleventh division members, the rooms were more or less empty. A member of the fourth, one whom only Ukitake seemed to recognize, led Kyoraku to an empty room. Ise and Ukitake, meanwhile, were left outside in the small waiting room.
"Kyoraku-taichou is such a fool," Nanao muttered mere moments after they were left alone. Jushiro only chuckled.
It wasn't long before Unohana-taichou herself appeared in the waiting room, a thin smile stretched upon her lips. It seemed far from gracious.
"Ise-fukutaichou. Ukitake-taichou. Will you two come with me for a moment? I have some news."
Nanao felt worry creeping up in her chest, but looking to Ukitake-taichou, he seemed to be far more concerned. It was unlike Ukitake to be so clearly worried, even for Kyoraku, and the way Unohana-taichou had said his name...was there something she didn't know about?
The two followed Unohana down a hallway before entering a room on their left. Inside sat Kyroaku Shunsui, an odd expression on his face. Ukitake seemed to wear a similar expression. Immediately growing suspicious, Nanao looked to her taichou's hand. She found it to be intact. There wasn't even a scratch on it.
"Unohana-taichou, I don't understand-"
"I'm sure Kyoraku-san would be more than happy to explain the situation to you," said Unohana. Her voice was kind, but all present knew better than to take that as the truth. Shunsui swallowed thickly, taking a few moments to finally speak.
"I, ah...I lied to you, Nanao-chan. Nothing happened to my finger. I just wanted to get out of doing work."
She stared at her captain, shock and rage intermingling in her expression.
"You- I was really worried about you!"
"Aw, really? You're so sweet, my dear Nanao-chan!"
"Kyoraku-taichou, I am going to-"
She was interrupted by the ever calm voice of Unohana-taichou. "There's someone else who owes you an apology, Ise-fukutaichou."
Her head immediately turned towards Ukitake, who smiled sheepishly. Of course he had been in on it!
"I'm sorry, Ise-kun."
"You're both dead men," Nanao announced. "Especially you, Kyoraku-taichou, but neither of you are exempt."
"Exempt from what?" Kyoraku asked, not bothering to mask his fear. His fukutaichou could be terrifying when she wanted to be. Actually, she was pretty much always terrifying.
"My wrath." Yep. Always terrifying.
Unohana hummed softly, seemingly pleased with Nanao's resolution.
Kyoraku and Ukitake would find themselves nursing rather painful bumps on their heads as they walked to the Squad 13 barracks.
"You owe me for playing along," Jushiro muttered. "That ended terribly, just as I said it would."
"I'll make it up to you later," said Shunsui with a wink. His lover only let out a deep sigh in return.
"If by that you mean you'll make me a nice cup of tea, I accept."
Shunsui seemed to deflate, but regardless accepted Jushiro's demand. "I guess I owe it to you, huh?"
"Yes, yes you do."
"But what about the other thing?" He asked hopefully.
"...We'll see about that."
Many thanks for all of your reviews and kind words! Double shoutout to Wenduo, who has reviewed every chapter thus far!
The alternate title to this chapter was Cut Pinkie Kitchen.