Chapter 8- The Spinner
When you take the throne to your homeland, die, and then get resurrected by a greater power than you, you aren't generally welcome anywhere. Not even the princess of your own homeland likes you (which is to be expected if you cursed her once). But life's all good because you love yourself. You may not have been picked by your people to be the successor to the throne, but considering that you died and were resurrected, life is pretty good.
This is Zant. He goes by many titles and nicknames. He responds to Twilight King, Twili King, Usurper King, General Z, and Nicky. (Call him that last one, and the following events will happen: he ceases whatever he was just doing to stare at you, questions where you heard that name, questions why you just called him that, punches you in the face, calls his mom on the nearest phone to ask why she told anybody that childhood nickname, punches his mom through the phone, and finally continues with life like all of that never happened. Oh, and if he doesn't hate you already, he hates you now.)
Ghirahim the Demon Lord is Zant's only friend. Ganondorf, Zant's master, hates Zant's personality, and therefore hates Zant. He has also made positively sure that Zant knows this fact. Cia tried to befriend Zant, but she ultimately decided that Zant wasn't worth her time. It might have been something Zant said about her thighs, but that is history that nobody is proud of. Volga hates anyone who cheats in battle with him, which Zant did by flooding the area during the battle, knowing that Volga relies on fire. Ever since, Volga double checks a battlefield before asking to do battle with an opponent. And finally, Wizzro thinks Zant is generally disturbing to look at, and therefore wants nothing to do with the Usurper King. Plus, Wizzro once had a nightmare about Zant and you-know-who. Nothing has ever scared Wizzro more than that nightmare.
For the most part, the past week has been a pretty average week. Zant has lost a few battles, won a battle (note that he wasn't the commander of the forces for that battle), missed breakfast on Wednesday, ate two lunches on Friday, lost his left shoe on Tuesday during his daily training (note that he still hasn't found it), didn't have an umbrella during the downpour on Thursday, earned a few bucks by mowing the lawn for a blind man, earned a few bucks from Ghirahim for covering for him, and danced with Ruto and Darunia on Sunday. Don't ask why for that last part. The highlight of his week is when he was running through the Valley of Seers and stopped to pick up the ringing payphone. The call wasn't for him. Apparently some guy named Galacta Knight from Popstar called the wrong number. Zant gets a kick out of wrong numbers.
It is Monday morning, the start of a new week. Zant crashed in Gerudo Desert last night, so it's no surprise that he woke up with sand in his helmet. After cracking his neck and knees during stretches, Zant sets out to grab a bite to eat. He's always hungry. He steps into a keep, not really knowing where he is going. Unfortunately, he steps in the rotting remains of a Icy Big Poe. Both shoes (he has an extra set of shoes just for special cases like what happened on Tuesday last week) soak into the gooey, cold corpse. You'd think a corpse in the desert would be mushy and warm, but Icy Big Poe corpses are different. They slowly melt away like a snowman at the brink of spring. Instead of water, they melt into ooze that sticks to you like glue but is as slick as oil. Realizing what he stepped in, Zant decides that he isn't hungry for once.
Zant manages to step out of the melting corpse. A split second after pulling both feet out of the corpse and setting them on the sand, Zant falls onto his backside. As he tries to stand up again, his feet fall out from under him. The same thing would happen if you stuck Zant on a frozen lake. If Ghirahim was with Zant on a frozen lake, the result would be even more hilarious.
Several failed attempts to stand up and walk normally lead to lots of bruises. Eventually, Zant learns that his current strategy isn't working. He can stand up; he just can't walk because his feet slip in all different directions. Being the clever genius that Zant is, he stands and starts skating on the sand as if he was at a skating rink. Awesome! Getting across the desert to find Ghirahim and Ganondorf should be faster than ever.
…
Ghirahim sits on the wall of a keep, admiring the early morning sun. The temperature is perfect. As much as he loves chaos and death, the other side of him loves the peace of the morning sun. Ghirahim is actually a pretty well-rounded guy if you just get to know him. He would show his nicer side more often, but it makes him embarrassed, being Demise's sword and all.
Ghirahim enjoyed the peace while it lasted. The peace is destroyed when his 'buddy' Zant literally skates into the keep flailing his arms and screaming like a cartoon character in rocket boots. Ghirahim would have taken a picture for the scrap book, but he didn't have his camera on him.
Ganondorf is in the keep. He was waiting for both of his minions to get there. Zant is always the one he's waiting for. Today, the Twilight King was so excited that he couldn't stop. Ganondorf literally has to pick up his table and lift it high so Zant didn't bash into it. Instead, the Twilight King bashes into the wall. Ghirahim laughs.
Ganondorf pulls his Twili off the wall and sets him in front of him. He asks, "Zant, is there any particular reason you wanted to bash into my table?"
"No sir," Zant explains. "I just literally couldn't stop."
Ganondorf looks down at Zant's shoes. A blue goo covers the metal clogs on Zant's feet.
"You stepped in a dead Icy Big Poe, didn't you?"
Zant shrugs, ashamed.
Ghirahim comes up from behind, ready to humiliate Zant even more. "Would you like me to get the camera and take a picture for the scrap book? This is a classic moment that we don't want to ever forget."
Ganondorf shakes his head. "First off, it's a visual record book. Second, it's to record our victories only. Remember? If by the end of the year we can prove all of our victories, and prove that we're better than Cia, then she and her minions will serve me."
Ghirahim and Zant nervously exchange glances. They've been using it as a photo album for all of their memorable moments. Like the time they got high on sugary cookies. They kept those really embarrassing photos just so when they look back, they can remember how stupid they once were. Ah, good times.
Ganondorf starts searching through the secret chest of stuff he's collected in their battles. It's full of valuables. "Now, speaking of that record book, I need to add our most recent victory pictures to it. You know, like the last victory picture; the one where Ghirahim is standing on Lana's back."
"Actually," Ghirahim interrupts, "Wouldn't it just be more beneficial to buy a special record book for events where one page has the photo and the next has the name of the event and so on?"
"This one was on sale. Record books aren't cheap, you know."
Zant takes over the mission to at least postpone Ganondorf from seeing the album. "Perhaps we should wait to start filling the album until we know how we want to organize it. We should wait until the end of the year to collect all of the victory pictures so we can organize them. We could have our favorite victory at the end."
Ghirahim adds, "Yeah, like the icing on the cake sort of thing."
Ganondorf considers this. He slowly nods and says, "That isn't a bad idea. I will consider that." A sigh of relief emits from both of Ganondorf's minions.
Just then, the Dinolfos Captain leads his army of Dinolfos towards Ganondorf. They're tired of Ganondorf ordering them around like they're expendable.
Dinolfos aren't exactly familiar with the element of surprise. "Alright Ganondorf, we've got you surrounded!" yells the Dinolfos Captain into a megaphone.
"Uh oh," Ghirahim states, "I'd bet Wizzro has turned the Dinolfos against us to get his revenge on me."
"What'd you do to him this time?" Zant asks.
"I tricked him into putting his hands on Volga's weapon, which I cleverly put glue on," Ghirahim responds, smiling with pride.
"Ah man, I wish I had some butter," Zant comments, "Because you're toast."
"Just shut up you two. The Dinolfos have been planning this rebellion since last month. Plus, Wizzro couldn't have swayed the Dinolfos within three days. The Dinolfos are too stubborn."
"Oh, ok." Ghirahim dismisses the subject. But then he realizes something. "Wait, how'd you know I did that little stunt three days ago?" Zant starts laughing.
Ganondorf takes out his own megaphone and says into it, "Turn back now. Trust me, you really don't want to mess with us."
The Dinolfos keep coming. "Ok, they asked for this." With that, Ganondorf grabs Zant to start an attack. He sets Zant up straight, positions Zant's arms so they are straight out to the sides, puts Zant's Scimitars in Zant's hands, and prepares for action.
"No wait!" It's too late. Ganondorf spins Zant like a top. Like the blade of a bender broke free, Zant spins out of the keep and plows through the Dinolfos army.
It takes a few minutes, but the Dinolfos finally start to retreat. Zant is still spinning.
"Alright, they're retreating. You can stop spinning now. Seriously, you're making me dizzy," Ganondorf tells Zant.
Zant starts to spin away. "I can't stop!" Zant spins through the desert and far away from the keep. Ghirahim asks if they should go after him, but Ganondorf was too busy daydreaming about Zant spinning off a cliff to hear.
…
Midna is at Lake Hylia enjoying a nice morning stroll. The water looks so inviting that she thinks she might come back to swim when it gets warmer outside.
The peace doesn't last long. Zant comes up fast, spinning like a top. Midna rolls her eyes. Just when she gets a moment free from that bug-enthusiastic girl, the traitor that stole her kingdom and cursed her the first time comes roaring in.
Oddly enough, Zant is able to lean from side to side to control what direction he wants to go. Standing straight doesn't stop him from spinning, but it makes him stationary. He stops about ten feet from Midna, as to not to scare her away or put her on the defensive side. Perhaps Midna can use that hair hand of hers to stop him.
Midna only stares in confusion at the Twilight King. His voice sounds like he's speaking through a fan, but she can still pick up the words "help me stop spinning" in that order. The power of suggestion makes Midna's eyes follow one of Zant's blades. Her visible eye quickly travels back and forth following the path of the right-hand scimitar. Eventually, when she wants to stop, she can't. She has to close her eyes and let her vision realign before opening her eyes again.
Then Midna thinks of something witty and insulting to say. She smirks at the thought of it. "So Zant, I see you've taken up ballet. Your teacher must be so proud; your spin is flawless."
Zant frowns under his helmet. His plea for help isn't being taken seriously. How infuriating. And hurtful.
When Zant doesn't stop spinning and doesn't attack, Midna gets a feeling that he really can't stop. If she stops him, and it was all a trick to catch her off guard, she'll be really mad. She mentally weighs her options. On one hand, she could stop him, and he'd be grateful. On the other hand, she could stop him, it could be a trick, and she would have fallen for it. A third option would to be ignore him and go on with life. She'd feel guilty though if she just leaves him and he's just spinning for days on end. What would Link do?
Sigh. What is wrong with her? Careful not to rip Zant's arm off, Midna slowly reaches with her hair hand to grab his arm and slowly halt him. Unfortunately, the sheer speed of Zant's spinning pulls Midna off her feet. Like being caught in a blender, Midna swings by her hair around in circles. The centripetal force is insane.
Feeling as if all the weight of the world flies down to her feet, Midna is forced to release her grip. She goes flying into Lake Hylia. No progress was made; Zant is still hopelessly spinning.
Midna swims to the surface of the lake. On the shore, she notices that Zant is still spinning. Looking back, spinning like that was kind of fun. But needless to say, now she is determined to stop Zant. She swims to the shore.
This time, Midna uses the arms connected to her shoulders to grab Zant. The same results happen, only this time she goes flying at a trajectory that is more upward than the last one. She is able to stop herself in the air before bashing into the rock wall. The exhilaration from the G-force is overwhelming. Zant is a living amusement park ride! Great Sols, her friends have to try this! Midna creates a Twilight portal under Zant, and the two travel to their next destination.
Agitha chases after a very odd butterfly. Why is it odd? Nobody knows.
A portal opens up a very short distance from Agitha, and she stops, instantly switching targets of attention. She screams and falls back when a twirling Zant springs from the portal. Midna follows.
Getting up in Agitha's face, Midna exclaims with enthusiasm, "Agitha! You have to try this! Just grab on and spin!"
"What?! I'm not a ride!" Of course, nobody listens to Zant's screams.
Agitha gets up and watches as Zant helplessly spins in circles. Agitha doesn't know whether to be scared, humored, or feel sorry for him.
Midna then demonstrates how to get a ride. For the third time, Midna grabs onto Zant only to be taken along with him. When she releases, she goes flying over Agitha's head, laughing all the way.
The demonstration makes Agitha's brain produce chemicals that make her excited and blissful. She too latches onto the Twilight King for a spin. Like Midna, she is flung off, flying far, but is able to catch herself and land gently with her parasol. She loses all the jars in her basket, though. But who cares; that was fun!
Within the next twenty minutes, Midna takes Zant to several different places so her friends can try this exciting ride. Zelda, Lana, Fi, Link, and even Wizzro got a chance to ride. The only one who didn't like it was Proxi, who rode with Link. She said it made her feel like she was being drug underwater by a whirlpool. Link paid no mind to her pleas and rode Zant seven times.
Lana suggested that Ruto get a chance to ride since she was feeling down lately. Midna thought it was a great idea, and she takes Zant to Death Mountain.
At Death Mountain, Darunia flees from Ruto, who has been complaining about the migration of tuna for the past fifteen minutes. She says the stink up her lake when they come, but then the lake has an overpopulation of other annoying fish when they leave. Darunia has no experience living with fish at all, so he can't relate to Ruto. When she was talking to him with her back turned, he snuck off.
That's when Midna appears. "Darunia, have you seen Ruto?"
Oh no! She must want him to sit there and listen to Ruto some more. "Nope, haven't seen her. Maybe she died."
Midna is only slightly disturbed. She quickly shakes off that comment to speak of something only slightly less important than Ruto's supposed death. "Hey Darunia, want to try something fun?"
Darunia shrugs. Eating is fun. Rolling around is fun. Dancing is fun. Smashing stuff with giant hammers is fun. Not much else in the world is fun.
"Then you have to try this! Just grab onto his arm and hang on; it's awesome!"
Now Zant knows his arms are going to come off.
Not willing to argue with Midna, Darunia slowly reaches of Zant. When his giant fingers go around Zant's arm, Zant instantly stops. The ear-splitting snap that is heard is only Zant's arm becoming dislodged from the shoulders and stuck in between two of his back ribs. He doesn't feel a thing because of extreme nausea.
Midna is aghast. "Darunia! Now I can't ride anymore!"
Extremely disoriented, Zant starts to sway as he clumsily takes steps forward. He falls on top of Midna, taking them both to the ground. Zant's arm seems to be sticking out of his back. Darunia doesn't know anything about the skeleton, but he does know that Zant's arm shouldn't be sticking out of his back. Feeling guilty and extremely disgusted by the sight of it, Darunia puts Zant on his feet and preforms minor surgery. No tools needed; he just uses his brute strength to relocate Zant's arm back into place. The operation is extremely painful to Zant, but he's just thankful that he's stopped spinning, so all the pain is worth it. After saying thanks to Darunia and kicking Midna in the nose for riding him like a go-cart, Zant teleports back to Gerudo Desert to tell Ghirahim the tale.
…
"So that's what happened."
"What? I wasn't listening. I started dreaming about myself after you said something about Midna."
Zant just retold this entire story from when he started spinning to right now. Unfortunately, he told most of it to the air because Ghirahim spaced off. Zant doesn't even want to bother.
Ghirahim puts his hand on Zant's injured shoulder. Zant retracts in pain. Ghirahim skips the friendly gesture and says, "Well, whatever happened to you, I'm glad you're back. G Boss (Ghirahim's nickname for Ganondorf) had a conflict with Ruto, and now we've got a battle in thirty minutes."
"Despite my arm, I am fit for duty."
"That is fabulous."
"But, I could have sworn Darunia said something about Ruto's death."
"Ruto died?"
"I don't know."
As his minions were chatting, Ganondorf was looking through the valuables chest. He finally found what he was looking for. Looking through it, he can see that he definitely missed a few things.
"Ghirahim, Zant, explain something to me, please," Ganondorf turns to his minions.
Ganondorf's minions turn to Ganondorf, completely clueless right now.
Ganondorf holds up the battle record book. That's what it was supposed to be, at least. He asks, "Do you wish to tell me about the adventures you had in which you've put photos of in my record book?" He holds up the album and opens it, flipping through pages and showing his minions.
"UH… that's not us," Ghirahim's voice trembles. They both feel as if they are melting into piles of goo. Zant really wishes he just didn't get up today.
Ganondorf cracks his knuckles.
Ghirahim cries, "You have a battle in thirty minutes!" Maybe Ganondorf will reconsider doling out pain until the end of the battle.
"Don't worry," Ganondorf explains so calmly. "Thirty minutes will be just enough time."
Let's just say that today wasn't a day Zant wishes to record in the scrap book.
Author's Notes- I feel like I just made Ghirahim and Zant look like complete idiots. Perhaps I went a tad overboard with the ridiculous factor. In game, before update 1.4.0, it was possible to glitch Zant and cause him to endlessly spin. This glitch is named "Zant Blender", and it was the inspiration for this chapter. The games updates have fixed the glitch since then, but the memory of it will live on. By the time I unlocked Zant, the game's updates had already fixed this glitch, so I never got a chance to preform this glitch myself. I just did random research, found it, and thought it was funny. Ah, the joy of random research.