Chapter 14- The Sickness

What most Hyruleans don't know is that Princess Ruto holds a secret chat group at Lake Hylia every other Saturday night. She has only ever invited her warrior allies. Thousands of topics have been discussed, including the following: where Link got his scarf; which Great Fairy is the leader; why Agitha's pigtails sometimes flip upside down in battle; if Ghirahim has a crush of Fi; if Ganondorf's hair was frizzed, would he look like a lion; and one of the favorite discussions, if this person and this person had kids, what would they look/act/be like?

Whereas most of the discussion topics have never reached one answer that everyone agrees on, there is one question will be truly answered very soon. Most of the questions in Ruto's chat group are 'what if' questions, meaning that the situation in question is possible, but not necessarily probable. A question that rose from the depths of Darunia's mind some time ago was "what if Lana got ill?" Of course, Agitha answered by saying Lana would be sent many "get well" cards. Zelda, however, had a more intriguing question to add to the original question- "how would being ill affect her magic?" Answers started being conceived and shared, but none of the answers shared were accepted as a theory by the entire group. Time passed, and the thought of the question eventually faded away. That is, until now.

It is early spring; Ganondorf's least favorite time of year. The flowers are just starting to bud, and the trees are awakening from their winter slumber. The last breaths of winter are noticeable in the nipping breeze on cloudy days. A mixture of the chilly wind and pollen are not exactly what Lana needs.

Lana fights alongside Zelda and Link in a battle. Ganondorf's forces are coming up fast and strong. Lana was assigned to protect a keep, and she doesn't plan on failing. Lana stands in the very middle of the keep. The gates on both the left and the right are open, but the front gate is closed. At the same time, Zant and Ghirahim approach the gates, Zant on the left and Ghirahim on the right.

"UGH, Ghirahim, I thought Ganondorf told you to sneak your way to their base while I distracted Lana and opened the way for the rest of the army," Zant grumbles.

Ghirahim raises an eyebrow. "You do know you just spoke aloud the entire plan with Lana in our presence, right?"

"At least I was following Ganondorf's instruction."

Lana swings the Deku Spear. She holds it out with pride, ready for a fight.

That's when things start to get trippy. The blossoming weapon in Lana's hand causes a disturbance in Lana's immune system. Ironically enough, she sneezes at the exact moment that both Ghirahim and Zant enter the sneeze-range field. Being sprayed with droplets of mucus halt both men in their place. Zant just has to stop to process what happened, but otherwise, he doesn't really care.

Ghirahim is mortally horrified. He frantically shakes off his hands and shivers. "That's appalling! Disgusting!" He scowls at Lana and continues his rant in a different direction, "At least lifting your arm over your face would have been polite. You practically gave me a shower of your germs!"

Lana wipes her nose. Her eyes look droopy all the sudden. "My bad."

Zant takes a step forward, as if he was going to point his weapon at Lana's throat. Zant steps forward without lifting his arm, and Ghirahim lifts his arm without stepping forward. A moment of silence passes. Zant was going to say something, but the moment became unimportant when it wasn't him that lifted him arm. He could have sworn he wanted to though. He steps back, hoping that will reverse the broken moment.

Ghirahim only puts one hand on his hip, but with no attitude in the hips to accompany it. He stands as if he wanted both hands on the hips. A mysterious panic sets in. He gapes down at his motionless right arm. He shrieks in horror, "I-I can't move my arm!"

Lana watches in confusion as Ghirahim's right arm is motionless, but Zant's right arm involuntarily (or assumingly involuntarily from Lana's perspective) flails around like a fish out of water having a seizure. Ghirahim's panic is halted when Zant's uncontrollable arm slaps his thigh.

With a look of both disbelief and disturbance, Ghirahim asks, "Did you just slap my thigh?"

Zant holds up his left arm in defense. Ghirahim's right arm reaches for the sky as well. Zant defends himself by saying, "My arm was having a severe muscle spasm, so that wasn't my fault. Also, if I wanted to hit you, I'd hit your face."

"OH!" Lana realizes something, interrupting. "You two are in control of each other's right arm."

"Huh?" Obviously, Zant doesn't get it.

Lana chuckles a little. She explains, "When Ghirahim wants to move his right arm, your right arm will move instead, and vice versa."

"You have got to be joking," says Ghirahim. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions for him. He was depressed early this morning, angry for no reason in between breakfast and the beginning of the battle, and now he's just utterly confused to the point where he thinks he might forget his own name if this keeps up.

Then the light bulb clicks on in Zant's brain. "Oh." Using this newfound ability to control Ghirahim's right arm, he slaps Ghirahim in the face. Even though he knows that he's controlling the arm, it is satisfying to see the demon lord slap himself.

In short summary, Lana blames herself for Ganondorf's loss that afternoon. His two top soldiers started destroying each other using the other's right arm about halfway through the battle. After seeing all of that, it was official; Lana has caught a virus.

…

Link decides to take Lana to Zelda to see if anything can be done about that nasty virus. She warns him not to, but he's determined to help get Lana fixed up. He doesn't know why, but his instinct tells him that Zelda is able to do amazing things with her power and the Triforce of Wisdom.

Lana and Link see both Zelda and Impa about the situation. Before Zelda can ask what the problem is, Lana sneezes on Impa's loaf of bread. It transforms into a turtle. Not sure if she can eat the turtle, Impa just gently sets it down and lets it slowly make itself scarce.

"Oh, now I see your problem. No need to explain," Zelda heeds.

Link explains that Lana's sneeze was able to switch the control of Zant and Ghirahim's right arms and how it helped them win the battle. Zelda was at the battle, but she didn't witness the predicament. She just thought Ghirahim and Zant were quarreling amongst themselves again. (It happens every once and a while.)

"I just said no need to explain."

Lana sniffles and says, "I don't need help. I'll just go home and rest. I'll be fine."

Impa shakes her head. "Lana, we can't have you sneezing over anything else. It would be bad if anyone else's bread grew a shell and slowly scampered away."

Zelda turns to Impa. "Impa, we have more bread." With that, Impa excuses herself and makes her way to the kitchen.

Zelda turns her attention back to Lana. She advises, "Lana, if you think going home and resting will help, then you go ahead and do that. If it gets any worse, come see me. We'll think of something." Lana nods and heads on home.

…

Normally, viruses go away with rest and time. Well, not Lana's. Every time she sneezes, something else changes in some way due to magic. She started sneezing up to three times in a row only 24 hours after Zelda advised her to rest at home. It's been a week, and Lana's magical sneezes have started to affect everyone's lives.

When Agitha and Fi went to visit Lana, she sneezed five times. The flowers Agitha brought were roses. After Lana's second sneeze, they were dandelions. After the fifth sneeze, Fi's boots changed from having blue stripes to red stripes. No harm done. But this was only two days after Link took Lana to Zelda.

By the fourth day, people started experiencing weird things. Cia set down her coffee on the table in front of Volga and left the room to wake Wizzro. He tends to be a deep sleeper and doesn't wake when the rooster crows. Volga witnessed Cia's coffee mug vanish. It just vanished. Volga was utterly clueless as to where it went or why, and he still is today. He couldn't help but laugh as Cia desperately searched for her coffee. She blames Volga for the disappearance of her coffee to this day.

That same day, Darunia was carrying Ruto on his arm, that is, until she suddenly flipped upside down on his arm. Neither of them understand the phenomenon, considering that gravity practically switched directions for Ruto, yet affected nothing else. Only minutes later, Darunia's hammer produced three perfectly toasted slices of toast. Ruto ate the toast, which she noticed had olive oil butter instead of regular. Darunia asked how she knew it was olive oil butter. She responded, "I have highly developed senses. I also have a sixth sense which tells me that you forgot deodorant." Then they had a debate whether Ruto really had a sixth sense. She was right, however, and Darunia reeked of sweat the whole day.

The fifth day was especially nutty. Midna started talking backwards and nobody could understand her. Link has a vision around noon which rendered him motionless in the real world while it happened. In the vision, an angel named Pit and a woman with green hair named Palutena had a conversation about hot springs. Link learned absolutely nothing. The world seemed to be ending when Ghirahim fled from his shower after applying shampoo to his hair. He was so frantic because instead of his very-expensive, highly-nutritional shampoo, he had applied a cheap, lemon-scented shampoo to his hair instead. The only weird thing Ganondorf and Zant experienced was witnessing Ghirahim appear to them before his shower was over. Oh, and Impa experienced frost bite when doing her daily jog. The temperature was 75 Fahrenheit.

By the seventh day, exactly one warrior has already disappeared from the face of the planet. Everybody has one way or another experienced the effects of Lana's virus. That is today. Lana is happy because she has gone all day without sneezing once! Hooray! "ACHOO!" Ugh, spoke too soon.

At that very moment, Ganondorf speaks with his minions. Zant is currently experiencing the effects of Lana's late night sneezing. His salivation has been overflowing. He dreamt he was in a boat on the ocean, and fell into the water. When he woke, he was swimming in his own saliva. He put a whole bag of cotton balls in his mouth before going to see Ganondorf. So far, there has been any sign of his excessive drooling, or at least, none that Ghirahim and Ganondorf know. And speaking of Ghirahim, his hair still hasn't recovered from the low nutritional value of that cursed, lemon-scented shampoo.

"Men, I know there have been some strange happenings, but I refuse to raise the white flag because of a few bizarre events. If anything, we should use these oddities to our advantage. I won't take 'no' for an answer," Ganondorf preaches. Motivational speech is actually pretty motivating, in summary.

That's when Ganondorf's armor turns into a wedding dress.

His eyes catch ablaze. "OK, that is it! We're going DESTROY the cause of all this nonsense!"

Zant thinks he swallowed a cotton ball… Uh-oh.

…

Zelda calls for a meeting at Hyrule Castle. Everybody comes, even Lana. Zelda meant for Lana to come; her illness is the topic of discussion.

"Lana," Zelda addresses, "Ever since you've been sick, our lives have been flipped upside-down."

"Literally," Ruto adds.

Lana wipes her nose with a tissue and clears her throat before she speaks. "I'm sorry guys. I don't know why my body hasn't fought off this virus yet. I should be better by now."

Impa crosses her arms. She says, "Well obviously, you're not." Lana nods.

That's when those who were not invited to this meeting barge in with Ganondorf leading. Using his brute strength, Ganondorf kicked down the door. It was very painful kicking the door with high heels on. He bellows, "Zelda! I am here to talk to you."

Darunia tightens his grip around his hammer handle at the sound of Ganondorf's voice. "Why should we believe you're just here to talk?" He and the rest of the men move to the front of the women. Impa joins them up front.

Ganondorf and the rest of the villains (including Cia and Volga) enter the foyer and stop a few feet in front of the others. Almost all of those on Zelda's side drop their guard in confusion and amusement.

Ruto speaks everyone's minds; "So, um, Ganondorf, did you find a new fashion you like?" A few giggles are heard from the group. Even Ghirahim and Cia giggle. They quickly cease their laughing when Ganondorf whips his head around to look at them.

Zelda clears her throat and walks around to the front of her group. She asks, "What would you like to discuss… besides fashion."

Ganondorf growls. He explains, "The only reason you see me like this is because something is going on that is messing with our lives. We're practically falling apart because of stupid and ridiculous things just appearing and disappearing! You don't even want to know what Ghirahim did a couple days ago."

Darunia chuckles to himself. "So you all are losing your minds. If I were in your shoes, I'd be losing my mind, too."

Cia becomes angry. "You think this is funny?!" she exclaims. She forcefully turns Volga so his back is facing her. She reaches into the bag he brought on his back and pulls out a familiar, purple robe. She holds it out in her fist for all of the warriors present to see. "See this?" she asks. "Yesterday, he just disappeared! Something is working against us. First, little things were changing a disappearing. Now, some force has taken one of my minions! It's only a matter of time before we all simply just vanish from the face of this world."

Fi asks, "Are you positive of your accusation?"

Volga guffaws. "Exactly what reason would he have for disappearing and leaving his robe?"

Lana has her hands over her mouth, aghast. Has her magic gone so out of control that Wizzro has disappeared from the face of the world?

Ruto says with a defeated tone, "So this really has gotten out of control."

"You better believe it has," Ganondorf thunders. "And I'm going to end this charade once and for all. Which one of you is responsible for all of this? Is it you, princess?"

"Which one?" Midna asks.

Ganondorf is reminded that there are three princesses present. "UH, Zelda is who I was referring to, but it could very well be your fault, Midna." Zant backs up Ganondorf by nodding.

Midna has just now noticed the liquid pooling around Zant's feet. She asks, "Zant, did you go swimming before you came here?"

Zant looks at his wet robes. The shock of seeing his saliva all over himself causing him to swallow the rest of the cotton balls in his mouth. He starts to choke. Seeing his comrade choking, Ghirahim swings into action. Unfortunately, he slips on the pool of saliva and falls. Zant is able to make his helmet retract, uncovering his head. Ganondorf, fed up with all the shenanigans already, takes matters into his own hands and slaps Zant on the back. His force makes Zant cough up the cotton ball wad. A hunk of soaked cotton balls lands on the floor. Zelda is utterly disgusted, considering that a lump of soggy cotton balls is now on the floor of her foyer.

Zant knows that he will be questioned as to why he had a bunch of cotton his mouth. He just decides get the shame over with. He puts his helmet back over his head and explains, "My master, the reason for this is because I was ashamed. I did not wish for you to know that I too have fallen victim to the doings of the mysterious trouble-maker. I plead for forgiveness."

"You've made an even bigger fool of yourself that Ghirahim did the other day," Ganondorf harshly states.

Ghirahim is starting to become irked by the constant mention of that shameful moment. "I greatly wish you would cease bringing that up, my lord." In all honesty, Link is kind of curious as to what it was that Ghirahim did that was so bad.

With the midst the confusion, Lana has made haste up the stairs. Cia notices. She calls, "Lana, where are you going?"

Lana stops on the last step once she hears her name. Her stomach knots with terror. Everybody turns their attention to the blue-haired sorceress. She turns her body to the side, putting one foot on the stair below. She looks at her fellow warriors. "I was just-," she starts, but is cut off by an oncoming sneeze. Just before the sneeze, Zelda tenses up.

Lana doesn't sneeze. Zelda exhales in relief. Then, Lana sneezes. To Ganondorf's amazement, Midna's left ear grows to ginormous size. She's dragged now by it. Zant laughs.

The pieces all come together. Finally, after several days, Ganondorf knows who has caused all this trouble.

"Lana, you're ill," Cia states aloud, obviously concerned. Horrified, Lana darts up the stairs to escape. Ganondorf leads his minions into a charge after the sorceress. Ghirahim teleports to the staircase, avoiding the trouble of getting past Zelda and her accompanying warriors. Ganondorf goes to the other staircase, and his remaining minion follows.

And so, the chase starts. Since this chase is one of those chases where people are darting in and out of rooms with fast-paced music in the background, describing it would be straining. I can say that Midna's giant ear and Zant's excessive salivation caused a lot of problems.

After a good twenty minutes or so of chasing Lana through Hyrule Castle, both the villains and the heroes trap Lana against a dead end. Zelda, utterly exhausted, mutters, "Lana, please, no more running." She and Impa were running through the upstairs hallway, and Darunia had put up a poll horizontally, expecting Lana to come through. The poll ended up catching both women by their necks, making them swing off their feet and land on their backs. It was quite a sight to behold, and Volga would tell you. Having somewhat of a gentlemen side, he helped them up.

Impa says, "Lana, this has to end. We can't take it anymore. As far as we know, Cia could be right. If Wizzro disappeared, who is to say that any of us are safe from that fate."

"Actually," Midna interjects. "It's kind of good riddance that Wizzro is gone." Many of the warriors shrug and nod in agreement.

Zelda raises an eyebrow to those who agree with Midna. "But still," she says. "When people start disappearing, we know there is a problem. Lana, we have to somehow get rid of this virus. As much as it's hurt you, it's hurt us more."

Lana knows that Zelda is correct. "Ok, but how do we get rid of it?"

Cia gives a smug smile. "I think I know of a way."

…

There were two different endings to Cia's plan. The first was that Lana explodes. The virus would have been gone, but so would have Lana. The second was that the procedure would be painful, but Lana would survive and the virus would be gone, as well as any effects it had erased from time. The warriors took a chance by going with Cia's plan. Lucky for Lana, the latter of the two endings came to be. Pretty much all of the effects of Lana's magical sneezes were erased. Nobody had their memory erased, but at least the physical effects are gone for good. Wizzro has returned unharmed, Midna's ear is back to normal, and Darunia's hammer no longer makes toast, as well as everything else returned to normal. Impa wonders where her bread had wandered off to while it was a turtle. Other than that, everything is just hunky dory.

A month later, Ruto holds a chat session. Many questions come up; the previous four weeks was very busy. The last question goes to Fi, and she asks probably the most interesting question of them all- "What would have happened if Lana's illness wasn't cured?"

…Let's just say that nobody wants to find out.

Author's Notes- I had loads of fun thinking of all the goofy effects Lana's magical sneezes had on everyone. I expected this story to be a shorter one, but I guess I got a little carried away. I know I rammed some of the jokes I had in this one to the ground... Did I get carried away with some of the jokes? But anyways, the poll is still in motion, and if you have any suggestions as to what I should do with the results, please share them with me.