Chapter 25- Hopelessly in Love

If you want to get something done, you don't send somebody else to do it. You don't even do it yourself. You let magic do it. That's how Cia lives on a day-to-day basis. Of course, she uses her own magic, because anybody else's magic will just screw things up even more.

And it's about time Cia leaves it to magic to solve what shouldn't even be a problem in the first place.

For three days, Cia has been vigorously studying the spell books. She won't sleep; if she wasn't driven by determination, she'd collapse and not get up. She won't eat; she missed barbeque night, and she never misses Volga's barbeque. By this point, Cia is practically a zombie with a thirst for the perfect spell.

Volga and Wizzro are in the middle of chest when Wizzro asks for the first time since Cia's disappearance, "Hey, where's Cia?" Volga quit asking Wizzro the same question two days ago at about 7 p.m. He tried to ask, but the words couldn't escape his mouth after seeing… whatever that was. He just decided to drop the subject and forget what he saw. He ended up forgetting the subject and remembering what he saw.

The two start a search party for their mistress. Volga takes to the skies. The light from his flaming wings can be seen all throughout Hyrule. He doesn't have to fly far. Cia is at the slumbering Gate of Souls at the Valley of Seers. Volga takes his more humanoid form, landing on the ground with a large thud. He is unharmed. "Cia," he bellows. He's not yelling; his voice is just naturally loud. Nobody ever has trouble hearing him.

Cia is wearing what she always wears, but her outfit looks like it's about to fall off of her. Volga instantly notices that Cia hasn't been taking care of herself, and all he had to do was look at her from the back to tell. "Cia," he calls again, this time purposely trying to be quieter. "We have been unproductive for three days. Shouldn't we start rebuilding our army for the next battle?"

The only response Volga gets is a laughter that starts out quiet, but slowly gets louder. It has an ominous insanity to it, and Volga doesn't like it. Something is obviously wrong.

That's when Wizzro comes up out of the ground like an animal hatching out of an egg. "I give up. We'll just say that Cia is dead when people ask where she is," he proclaims.

"She might very well be close to dying in the state that she's in," says Volga, gesturing towards Cia with his hand.

Wizzro gets an annoyed expression. "You could have told me she was here before I went to Gerudo Desert." Volga asks what happened in the desert. Wizzro explains, "I get there, and only air leaves my mouth. There wasn't much I could say upon arriving to Ganondorf threatening to rip off his shirt like a 'real man'. Ghirahim was all like 'you wouldn't dare show us your mythical abs'. Zant asks if they were as legendary as the children books say. Like, what kind of books are these crazy Hylians showing their toddlers? Anyways, I was going to stay to watch Ganondorf rip off his shirt, just secret-like, you know, but that's about when I was spotted. I tried to just leave, but Zant offered me fresh-baked cookies. I was about to accept a cookie until I remembered my diet, and I had to leave before the temptation grew worse."

"But you quit that diet a week ago," Volga informs.

"… DANG IT! I missed out on a cookie!"

In a raspy voice, Cia mutters, "I figured it out." Just her voice alone grabs Volga and Wizzro's attentions.

Volga and Wizzro patiently wait for Cia to explain, like she usually does. It takes thirty seconds longer than usual for her to explain her own statement: Wizzro was counting. Cia starts walking towards her minions while saying, "There is always a simple, hidden-in-plain-sight answer to every problem. In this case, the resolution is simply make myself attractive."

Wizzro guffaws. "I'm not one to give compliments, but all men dream of women with your figure at least once in their lifetime. Now to say something more in my comfort zone: if your personality was a human, no amount of make-up or jewelry could make it worth looking at." If Volga had to rate how gentlemanly Wizzro is on a scale of 0 to 10, the rating would be a -7.

Cia knows how to shut Wizzro up. "My collection of jewelry is looking rather slim at the moment. But I know someone who just happens to make a lovely ring." Her warning was heeded, and Wizzro has nothing more to say.

"What have you been working on for so long?" Volga asks, attempting to get a little more information out of his mistress.

There is an ill-omened pause in the conversation. Cia turns towards the Gate of Souls, taking a few steps towards it. Finally, she replies, "Maybe now he will finally love me." Her spell begins.

Wizzro isn't taking any chances. He doesn't stick around to see what happens. Volga doesn't do the same. The Gate of Souls starts reacting to Cia's enchantment, and Volga knows he has to stop this somehow. Instinctively, Volga charges towards Cia. Before he gets to her, the Gate of Souls has a violent reaction to the spell. The area is shrouded in light.

…

Link rushes to Zelda's aid. Zelda is supposedly in the courtyard, according to Proxi. Proxi isn't always reliable, but taking into account the news she brought, Link can't take the chance of assuming it's false. He enters the courtyard to a strange sight. Impa beat him to Zelda's aid, but she's not really helping, just holding off a certain arrogant wizard. After more careful examination, it appears that he is holding off her. That's the first thing Link finds peculiar. The second thing Link finds odd is that Zelda is simply staring in awe at Volga. She doesn't even have a weapon in her hands. Volga appears to be waiting for her to make a move.

A whip-like rope wraps itself around Link's wrist and pulls him aside, behind the hedge that separates the courtyard from the rest of the castle. He is placed in front of Cia.

"Hello Link. Lovely day, isn't it?" Cia makes friendly conversation.

Link's first response is to pull out his sword, but Cia's friendly expression muffles his instincts for the time being. He doesn't really know how to respond at the moment.

Proxi whispers into Link's ear, "My insides feel weird. I think she's trying to flirt with you."

Link is utterly disgusted. His facial expression shows it.

Cia notices Link's reaction. She is confused. She looks down at her outfit. Ugh! She knew she should have changed her clothes.

Link politely excuses himself and attempts to shuffle away without drawing attention to himself. He is unsuccessful.

"I-I should be irresistible. What happened?" Cia thinks aloud. Her spell should have worked. Link should be falling head-over-heels for her.

"Cia!" cries a familiar voice. It is more desperate than Cia is used to hearing from either of her minions. She enters the courtyard, slowly because of disappointment.

Wizzro witnesses Zelda staring dreamily at Volga while leaning against the lone tree in the courtyard. Meanwhile, Impa is making conversation with Volga. Cia enters the courtyard, wondering why Wizzro called her name. She grumbles, "What do you need now?"

"Is it just me," Wizzro asks. "Or is Zelda acting strange?" He is trying to give Cia a hint to look and examine Zelda's behavior. Is she seeing what he is seeing?

Cia doesn't care right now. If Wizzro was on fire she wouldn't care. With a furious amount of drama, she teleports in a puff of smoke. Wizzro is left to watch as Zelda dreamily flutters her eyes in Volga's direction. The reason he called Cia? He just doesn't know what to make of what he's seeing.

…

It doesn't take Cia long to figure out what's going on. Everywhere he goes, Volga is caressed by women. Cia makes sure he knows what's going on. "You idiot! You were enchanted by my spell! That's why every girl that glances at you is suddenly love-struck."

"Then why aren't you… you know," asks Wizzro.

"Because I'm the one who casted the spell!" And nobody said anything else for the rest of the day.

…

Ganondorf confronts Volga the next day. "How would you like to lead Ghirahim and Zant into battle?"

"I mean no offense, Sir Ganondorf, but your minions are on incompetent side."

"First off, you will call me Lord Ganondorf," Ganondorf states. "Secondly, that is why I came to you. I'm just curious to find out if there is something I can do to make them less useless. I want to see if their performance changes under a different commander."

Fair enough. Volga accepts the job.

"So, explain to us why Ganondorf placed us under your command?" Ghirahim asks Volga. He, Zant, and Volga wander aimlessly through Twilight Fields, hoping for an army they can recruit.

Volga just shrugs. What can he say to these two without hurting their feelings? 'I'm sorry, but Ganondorf thinks you two are incompetent'? Yeah, the truth hurts.

Just then, a Twilight Portal appears.

"Annoying princess at 10' o'clock!" Zant squeals. He whips out his scimitars, ready to unleash all heck on the princess he despises so much that it gives him headaches.

Midna pops up through the portal like a flower pops up out of a flower pot, only much faster. She chuckles smugly at the guys. This only serves to miff Ghirahim.

"Hello idiots. Taking a leisurely stroll through the fields in order to make sense of your utterly disappointing lives?" Midna declares. If Volga didn't watch Midna just say that, he would have sworn it was Wizzro.

Zant says, "That's it. You're dead."

Midna holds up her hands. "Hey, I just came for him." Zant and Ghirahim are stopped in their tracks.

Ghirahim assumes Midna was talking about him. "You have my attention."

Midna asks, "Which one of you is the leader?"

Zant and Ghirahim exchange glances. They both raise their hands, as if saying "me".

Volga informs, "That would be me. Have you come to challenge me?"

Midna considers this. Then she says, "If that means you'll follow me, then yes."

"Where are you going to take me?"

"Oh, you'll see," Midna mysteriously responds. She summons a Twilight wolf and rides off on it. Volga orders Ghirahim and Zant to stay put. He follows Midna.

Ten and a half minutes go by. Zant is getting restless. "Maybe we should go check on him."

Ghirahim has taken this time to practice his victory poses in a mirror. "No need, my friend. Just relax and enjoy this time to yourself."

"Ghirahim, what are you doing?" Zant has just noticed the mirror.

Ghirahim chuckles to himself. "Why, I am perfecting my already perfect victory stances," he responds. "Would you like to join me?"

For the next five minutes, Zant and Ghirahim pose in the mirror as a duet. They stand back-to-back, a freeze-frame jump, and even the Titanic scene where the main characters stand at the front of the boat. Ghirahim plays Rose.

Ghirahim accidentally steps on Zant's foot. That's when Zant realizes that they are still waiting for Volga. "What is Midna doing to Volga?"

"Do you really want to know? Your innocence will be forever lost."

Zant grabs Ghirahim's wrist and drags him along for the ride; the search for Volga.

Volga is threatening a group of girls surrounding him. "Stay back, you fiends! I'm a talking flamethrower!"

"That just makes you hot," is Ruto's response.

"Indeed," Fi concurs. "Your fire-breathing abilities make you 3.35% more attractive."

"Great Hylia, what is going on?!" exclaims a very confused and terrified Volga.

By this time, Zant and Ghirahim have been watching this for 45 seconds. Zant asks, "Should we do something?"

"Not yet," Ghirahim says. "I'm curious to see what happens."

Zant turns to Ghirahim. "What is there to see? The poor guy is being swooned over. He needs a faithful wingman or two to bring him back into the realm of the sane."

Ghirahim rolls his eyes and says, "I believe he already has a wingman, and that is Wizzro."

"Ringman. Not wingman." Ghirahim nearly jumps out if his skin at the sound of Wizzro's raspy voice. The twisted wizard has been floating behind Zant and Ghirahim since Ghirahim said he was curious to see what happens to Volga.

Zant laughs at Wizzro's pun.

Though he is still stunned, Ghirahim manages to ask, "How did you get here?"

"I took the bus," Wizzro answers sarcastically. Normally, he would have said that he hitched a ride with aliens, but he's not in the mood to mess with peoples' minds today.

The three of them watch as Volga tries to wiggle his way out of the horde of women with no success.

Wizzro mumbles, "It's been like this for a week now. Everywhere he goes he's the new big deal. You'd think he was Hyrule's next top model." Ghirahim can taste the envy in Wizzro's tone.

"How? I mean, he's always been buff, but the girls are only noticing now?" Zant questions.

Wizzro guffaws through his non-existent nose. "Fate thought it would be funny if Cia's pheromone spell affected Volga instead of her, and now even Zelda stares dreamily at the dragon man."

Ghirahim can't help but chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

Ghirahim stops laughing, but he still possesses a naughty smirk. "Oh nothing. I just find it amusing that there is a hint of contempt on your voice, wizard. Don't tell me you're, oh dare I say, jealous?"

Wizzro scoffs. He says, "The only thing Volga has worth envying is his ability to tear you limb-from-limb with his jaw."

Ghirahim turns to Zant, still smirking. Zant asks Wizzro, "Are you feeling ok?"

Wizzro has to think about how to respond to that. Finally, he decides to just say, "I'm just peachy. Thank you for asking." Zant nods, satisfied.

The trio continues to watch. Midna rests her head on Volga's shoulder while he nervously answers all of Ruto's questions about his personal life.

"You'd think Midna wouldn't fall for a guy just because of an enchantment was placed on him," utters Wizzro, sounding disappointed. Ghirahim and Zant glance at him.

Volga asks the horde of women surrounding him, "You all want a piece of me?"

The horde, which includes Zelda, Lana, Fi, Ruto, Midna, and Agitha, nods simultaneously.

Volga starts to sweat nervously. "There's only one of me."

Midna notices Wizzro, Zant, and Ghirahim watching them. She smirks with a devious idea. "Volga, there are a few guys over there eyeing us."

Volga's attention turns to the eavesdroppers. He can't stand eavesdroppers.

"What do you suggest we do?" Ghirahim asks Wizzro.

Wizzro doesn't have time to answer. A wave of flames is showered over the trio by Volga in his dragon form. The group flees the area. The ladies don't care if Volga can turn into a scary, fire-breathing dragon. They simply think it's attractive.

…

Wizzro has just about had enough of this. He devises a plan that will surely get Volga's backside handed to him. Disguised as Lana, Wizzro enters the courtyard of the castle in search of Link. He waited patiently for this moment, so he'd better not mess this up.

Link is practicing his sword skills with Impa, the one woman who can control herself when Volga is near. Wizzro gets himself in their way. "Link, the enemy has Zelda! Come quick!"

"What?! Is someone aiding Zelda now?" Impa inquires, putting her sword training on hold. Link doesn't stick around hear fake Lana's answer. He sprints to Zelda's aid. He has to stop and ask fake Lana where Zelda is. Then he continues.

Link finds that instead of Zelda in the hands of evil, the evil is in the hands of Zelda. Volga stands motionless with Zelda hugging his waist. Besides Midna on his shoulder, this is the first time one of the women has actually touched him. Is it rude to hit a woman outside of battle? Volga isn't quite sure how to respond.

All of the heroic courage suddenly drains from Link's heart, probably because his heart has just cracked down the middle. He feels cold and heavy, as if standing under a pile of snow. Lifeless.

Wizzro abandoned his Lana disguise once out of range of Impa and rushed to the sidelines to watch Link destroy Volga for stealing his girl. He is shocked to see Link put away his sword and start trudging away with his head down.

Link is stopped when a determined wizard gets in his path. "Where are you going?!" Wizzro yells at him. "He just stole your damsel in distress! Get in there and punch him in the gut!"

Impa, who was heading to Zelda's aid, stops upon seeing Wizzro. "A-ha! I knew you were masquerading as Zelda!" She prepares an attack. She stops when Wizzro holds up a hand as if he was going to say something.

He does say something. "Two things. First off, I wouldn't masquerade as Zelda and swoon over Volga if you threatened to kill me if I didn't. Secondly, how can I be Zelda if I'm right here?!" Impa didn't think about that. She realizes that the real Zelda is fine and simply hugging Volga. With that said, she puts away her weapon.

Link gives a short spiel on how even though he knew the girls now had a thing for Volga, he never would have guessed that Zelda would be the first to finally make a move and possibly win the dragon man's heart. He continues past the twisted wizard without a second glance. Now, Wizzro feels hopeless for two reasons. One, his plan broke a man where he can never be healed (which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't in the situation they are now). And two, not even Link has the willpower to fight back against Cia's love spell.

…

Link joins the warrior men for a session of feeling hopeless later that same day. By this time, all six of them now realize that Volga pretty much has the woman at his fingertips. Link, Darunia, Ganondorf, Ghirahim, Zant, and Wizzro accept that they will pretty much be alone for the rest of their lives, and not because they choose to be. It's just the choice to fall in love with a woman that they so desperately desire. But now that there is no chance of that woman falling in love with them in return, what's the point? A couple of them cry for a while. Then, one-by-one, they dismiss themselves.

…

Cia is furious. Volga hasn't shown himself since yesterday. She bellows, "Wizzro, go find Volga and tell him to come see me immediately."

Wizzro would rather either curl up in bed and wallow, or bury Volga alive, but he can't tell Cia no… or come back and say "I buried him". He reluctantly teleports to where Volga is most likely to be. Sure enough, Volga is sitting comfy at Lake Hylia with a horde of girls at his bidding. Wizzro does even bother going and talking to him; he is sure one of the girls will stop him and say "don't you dare touch Volga!" Oh, he'll touch Volga if he wants to. He'll push Volga into the lake and hope he drowns!

B-but anyways, that's not the point. He goes back to Cia with a mixture of seething loath and sorrowful despair in his heart. He tells Cia, "This won't surprise you, but he's practically the pharaoh of Lake Hylia, and all of his servants are women."

Cia is tapping her fingers on her staff. She grumbles, "He's finally taking advantage of all the attention. Well good for him."

Shortly after, something in Cia's brain clicks. Now she suddenly has the determination to try the spell again, only this time, use it on herself. She could focus the spell so only Link will be affected, and then all of this trouble will have been worth it. Now that she has the spell, she just needs to transfer it from Volga to herself. Simple. She turns to Wizzro. "But seriously, find a way to pry Volga from those girls' hands. I have a plan."

Wizzro doesn't care what Cia's plan is as long as Volga pays dearly for stealing all chances of ever finding love. But he can't do it alone.

"Break the hearts of the girls that broke ours? Are you kidding? I'm in! The Twilight King is at your service."

"HM… you need my help getting Volga away from his posse of women?" Ghirahim chuckles and asks, "How could I refuse?"

Team assembled!

…

Ruto is about to go find some grapes to feed Volga, when-

"Hey ladies!" yells a certain demon lord. The girls, and Volga, all turn to look at Ghirahim and Zant a few yards away. Wizzro has no idea what's going through the heads of those two, but he is already starting to regret hiring them.

"If you don't relinquish Volga right now, I'll be forced to show you Zant's amazing abs!" This is Ghirahim's threat.

Zant takes this as a threat as well. "If you even touch my robes in an attempt to reveal my abs, I'll cut off all of your precious hair with my scimitars." Perhaps Ghirahim should have told Zant his idea.

This only gets the girls to talk amongst themselves. Ruto about yells back to Ghirahim that they can practically see Volga's toned abs through his armor, but whatever. Midna is already barfing at the thought of Zant's abs.

Zant steps forward after telling Ghirahim that he has a better idea. "Better offer ladies! If you step away from Volga, you can touch Ghirahim's hair."

"What? No!" Ghirahim bellows at Zant. "I just conditioned it! Do you know how long it takes to get this hair so perfect?!"

Zelda turns to Volga. "Just curious, do you have hair?"

"I'd have to take off my helmet, but yes."

"OOO! Is your hair brown, black, or blond?"

"Maybe it's ginger!"

The girls start asking Volga to remove his helmet and show them his hair.

Wizzro doesn't understand why Cia complains about him and Volga all the time; Ganondorf has it much worse with Ghirahim and Zant. Who knows what those two do in their free time.

"Well that got us nowhere." Ghirahim concludes. "Got any more brilliant ideas?"

Zant shrugs and says, "Volga never turns down a challenge. If we can't get the girls away from Volga, maybe we can get Volga away from the girls."

"That… is actually not a bad idea." Ghirahim admits. They decide to try it.

Zant steps up. "Volga! Forget what we said before. We challenge you to a fight."

Volga gets on his feet. "You challenge me to a fight?"

"Yep. Two versus one. What say you?" Zant gets out his scimitars just to prove he is ready to fight. Ghirahim gets out his sword, following Zant's example.

Volga smirks. He hasn't had a good battle in a long time. None of these women will fight him. He gets out his Dragonbone Pike.

"You're actually going to fight them?" Ruto inquires.

Zelda already knows the answer. "Please be careful."

Midna smiles. "Or you know, get hurt. That works too."

Agitha asks why. When Midna winks at her, she realizes what Midna was thinking and suddenly agrees with her.

Volga, Ghirahim, and Zant fight right there at Lake Hylia. Zelda makes sure the girls have stepped back out of harm's way. Impa would have done that, but since Impa isn't here, Zelda has to take charge.

At a standstill during the battle, a purple portal is opened under Volga. He falls into it, disappearing. Zant and Ghirahim consider their job done. They put away their weapons, feeling accomplished.

"Hey! What did you do with Volga!?" Ruto screams.

They shouldn't have put away their weapons.

Back at the Valley of Seers, Volga appears out of thin air. Wizzro appears with him. "That took longer than it needed to," he says.

Volga gets on his feet. "I was in the middle of a battle, Wizzro."

"Cia needed you now, and so I told Ghirahim and Zant to do whatever it would take to get you away from the girls."

Cia overhears this. "Ghirahim and Zant?"

Wizzro turns to Cia. "None of that matters. What does matter is now you have Volga."

"Very good," Cia says, actually slightly pleased with her wizard. "Now make yourself scarce before this spell affects you, too." Wizzro does as instructed.

Before Volga can ask what's going on, Cia performs a spell to transfer her previous spell from Volga to her.

Nothing seems to have happened. "Wizzro!" Cia calls. Wizzro comes. Cia commands, "Tell me where Link is so that I may test to see if the spell worked." Wizzro only stares for a moment, but then shakes his head back into reality and leaves to find the whereabouts of Link, as told.

Volga asks, "What was supposed to happen, Mistress Cia?"

"You are free, Volga. Women should no longer swoon over you."

Volga is only halfway disappointed. It wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He asks if he can be dismissed to go assemble an army, and Cia dismisses him.

Wizzro returns with news of Link, saying that he is at Hyrule Castle with Zelda. Cia says "perfect" and heads for Hyrule Castle. Now it is Zelda's turn to be heartbroken.

…

Link's heart has been mended. He found Zelda wandering aimlessly at the castle gardens and asked where Volga was. When she asked why he cared where Volga was, hope was restored. He and Zelda have been in a conversation for the past ten minutes.

Cia strides into the garden, making a scene. She is successful in getting Link's attention. Zelda flees to the castle.

"Aw, pity. I wanted Zelda to watch as you start drooling at the sight of me," Cia says to Link. Unbeknownst to her, at the entrance of the garden, Wizzro is drooling at the sight of her.

Link flinches and asks why he would drool at the sight of her. He then proclaims that his love is for Zelda whenever she decides to have it. Before he leaves, he thanks Cia just in case she had something to do with returning Zelda to normal. Then he leaves Cia in the garden with only her wizard for company.

Her spell has failed again. Back to the drawing board. Now all the girls, except for Zelda, are wondering "No! Why are all the guys (except for Link) helplessly in love with Cia?!"

Author's Notes- Sorry this took so long to update. I started something, but then it fell apart. Then I started this chapter, and it flowed very nicely. I had a ton of fun writing this one. If you haven't already, vote on the poll (I know. I'm repetitive. So what?) and please continue to submit questions for the Q&A coming up, even if you've already submitted some. I'd love more.