Selise stood in the dark, facing Anders' closed door. The nightmare spell was horrific by its very nature, she knew that. So she supposed it wasn't unreasonable or surprising that he might need some time to recover from the things he had seen. But whatever those things were, they had obviously featured her, and her skin crawled at the thought. What had he watched her do, or say while caught within that hallucinatory state? The possibilities were endless, made worse by the fact that they had been pulled from the fears already existing within him.
She shuddered, and reached out to him psychically, opening herself to his emotional state. Immediately she was inundated with a miasma of emotions: a fast rush of fury, the heavy weight of a disappointed sorrow, and the fear, so much fear, all mixed in among a hundred other unidentifiable things. He was swimming in a sea of chaos in there. She ached to comfort him, to lay beside him and stroke his hair the way she had before. It had seemed to help him then, but he clearly did not want her assistance with this. Her forehead came to rest for a moment against the cool wood of the door, joined by the light, wistful skimming of her fingertips.
If he needed time, and space then it was not her place to deny him that, even though every cell in her body seemed to be calling out for him.
She took heavy steps to her own door and dejectedly entered her room, finding her way blindly to her bed. She fell forward onto it, and smothered her face into the blankets. She wanted to scream, to thrash about in frustration, but barely had the energy left to even roll over.
The whole day had been series of disorienting ups and downs. From the rant unleashed upon her by Leliana about her carelessness and the death of the man on the battlements, to the hours of naked, intimate elation with her new lover, to the agony of seeing him in pain, whimpering and thrashing, transforming, yelling horrible things at her. And then the triumphant moment when she laid her hands upon the weakened, glowing blue creature and drained him flush out of Anders body.
She continued to feel Anders' emotions, as they rose and fell. But beneath it all, she felt an undercurrent of exhaustion. She threw him a little pulse of a sleep spell, knowing just where on the other side of the wall his bed sat, and she felt him calm. She wished she could turn that spell upon herself next.
Selise kicked off her shoes, struggled out of her robes and climbed fully into bed.
He had been right about how different Vengeance was from Justice. Vengeance's energy had filled that whole room, rattling rocks loose from the walls as he pounded wildly against the bars of his cage. For several minutes at least she'd just stood there, struck dumb and quivering as he stalked the cell, discharging unearthly sounds that she could barely comprehend.
At first she tried a small, cautious measure of the disorientation spell, but it did not have the same effect that it'd had on the calmer version of Justice their first night. Vengeance only got wilder, more angry.
Then she tried the weakness spell, pushing it at him with the entirety of her strength. After a few moments of draining her mana at him, he had begun to slow down considerably. His body rested against the cell wall, listless and gaping, but the luminescent spirit of Vengeance remained right on the surface.
"Vengeance?" she asked as she took several cautious steps toward the cell.
Somehow she was able to discern words within the bone-splitting thunder of his response. "The failures and limitations of this mortal body are becoming tiresome."
"What are you trying to do exactly?"
"I seek to escape these walls," he said as he pounded at the rocks with a force that made her worry that he could actually bring the wall down.
"Why?" she asked, taking another small step.
"Why!? Does any being wish to be imprisoned unjustly?"
"Would it still be considered unjust if Anders entered the cell willingly?" She asked him, "because that is what he did." She was surprised and shocked that the violent spirit was actually conversing with her, but decided she should try to keep it going for as long as she could manage. She took another step toward him, searching his glowing face for any resemblance of Anders, and seeing nothing of her lover there.
"Anders does not wish for imprisonment."
"But this isn't imprisonment… it's an experiment."
"You mean to make him Tranquil!" Vengeance roared. "It is mutilation. And I would lose my vessel!" Selise pulled out a vial of lyrium, anticipating the possibility of having to refresh the weakness spell. He was still very strong, despite how he had been slowed. She threw the lyrium back, swallowing down the bitter liquid with a snarl. Tranquil. That must be what Anders was dreaming about.
"No, that is not true." she coughed, "No one is going to make Anders Tranquil. I would die before I let that happen."
"I saw for myself what you intend, human."
"You saw an illusion, nothing more," she informed him. "You are probably still seeing illusions."
"I am seeing only you. And this cage," he retorted. "But Anders is seeing something. I can feel his anger."
"It is a spell."
"And WHY would you make us suffer this spell!?" he roared.
"Because I needed to meet you," she said, taking another step forward. She was close enough now that she could reach out and touch the bars of the cell. "You have hurt people Anders loved. You cannot do that again."
"I have hurt those who place themselves above the greater good!"
"That's not what I hear."
"And what do I care what you have heard?"
The lids that once belonged to Anders blinked toward her, shining blinding white beams upon her.
"If you want to keep your vessel, you will save your strength for the opponents who deserve it most."
She was at the bars then, and reached a hand out to rest upon his shockingly cold arm. It throbbed beneath her touch, singing palpably with a supernatural energy. Vengeance flinched, but did not move out from under her grasp. She pulled at the energy under his skin, using her drain spell to siphon out that icy stream of spirit that filled his body. Selise shivered as the cold infected her, traveling up into her wrists, her arms, breaking open veins of light that spread toward her chest. She was unable to control the spread, or slow its speed, but she did not remove her hand. It was not hurting… for all the iciness, it in fact felt strangely pleasant. Her curiosity was piqued, and she relaxed into it, letting it flow up toward her, climbing past her shoulders and into her neck.
When the surge of energy met her eyes, an ethereal shroud was lifted, uncovering frequencies of color she had never seen before. She looked up again at Anders' possessed body and what was revealed there took her breath away. She saw the perfect representation of Anders, eyes glowing blue, veins bursting with light, but superimposed over him was the hazy image of an entirely separate being, hovering just outside the limits of Anders body, yet somehow attached. He was like a dog pulling at the end of a leash, breaching the boundaries of his yard, but only able to do so one foot at a time.
She turned away from the wilting figure and looked around at the room, seeing the Veil as it swirled around her, the light from the flickering fires of the room casting out a million pulsating colors. The air was alive.
And Vengeance, or Justice, was there with her in her mind. It was only the slightest sense of being followed, of having an entity watching over her shoulder, even as it coiled invisible tentacles around her psyche, reaching deep within to touch upon the hidden things lurking there. She touched it back, understanding that anger is what it sought out now, after habituating to an existence inside Anders.
"Anger can be utilized, turned into action," it told her, reading her thoughts. "Anders use to have an abundance of it. But he grows tired."
The icy cold had spread through her whole body now, and when she looked over to Anders again she saw that the superimposed image of the spirit had faded. Part of it was with her, while the rest must have fallen back down into his body, which still somehow rested upright against the wall. She expected that as soon as Justice was put away, his legs would give out and he would fall.
The spirit lens over her eyes revealed that the piece of Justice inhabiting her was joined to the piece within Anders via a silver string of energy that extended through their touch. After another moment of enjoying the swirling evanescence of the energies in the room, she finally she let go and pulled her arm back. That string expanded, becoming a wispy plume of smoke as the spirit traveled back to Anders. Slowly the blue light faded from her skin, rushing backward out of her veins and returning her to her usual pallor. The presence over her shoulder and the heightened visual acuity faded away, the cold disappearing, leaving her feeling feverish in comparison.
Anders still glowed, still thrummed with Vengeance's presence, even though he was no longer speaking.
She seemed to have tamed the spirit somewhat, but she hadn't yet gotten it to disappear completely.
She drank a sip of mana and sent out a wave of Sleep. It was a weak pulse, but it worked. The glow faded away and the gold of Anders' skin returned. As she had anticipated, he had begun to slip down the wall and folded up onto the floor, landing softly with his head resting on his knees.
Selise sat herself at a table to wait. It was a very weak pulse of sleep she had given him, and should only be minutes before it wore off. She found herself studying her ordinary looking hands. To see them burst with spirit light the way Anders had, to feel the cold energy running through her veins, energizing her connection to the Fade, had been thrilling. And not only had she not been harmed by Vengeance, she had communicated with him.
She felt herself smile, feeling gratified and cautiously excited.
And then he'd begun to wake, murmuring words about torture.
"You still do your father's work," he had said. And immediately all sense of accomplishment, all satisfaction had been sucked out of her. He was wrong, but clearly he must fear that she was still capable of that. The thought stung her to her core.
She woke in the morning to the muffled sounds of a knock at Anders' door, and before she was even fully awake she cringed. Coming right off the heels of last night, it was highly unlikely that Anders was in a good place mentally for taking a meeting. If Cullen had already thought him unstable, then speaking with him today would most likely only increase that impression.
She groaned and kicked off the blankets, pulling herself out of bed. She stood there in the middle of her room for a moment, feeling antsy and jittery.
There was a whole day ahead, and she had no idea what to expect from it. Would the dreams still be kicking around in Anders' head today, causing him to keep his distance from her? Would he be willing to talk to her about it, or would it still be too son?
Perhaps she should use the day to see to practical matters and just give him his space, she figured. Replenish supplies in the kitchen, laundry, changing the bedding. Things that always needed to be done, regardless of how caught up in the dramas of life one might get. At least attending to some of their necessities would give her something to do.
She walked out of her quarters intending only to go to the kitchen, but ended up walking all the way through the main room, up the stairs, through the Great Hall and out to the courtyard. Each day held a bit of a chill now, which was especially apparent on her bare feet, and she made her way over to the tree just outside of the surgeon's tents that she usually sat under to read. The tree she had been sitting under the first time she saw the cloaked figure come through the Skyhold gate. But she hadn't brought a book this time. She hadn't been expecting to find herself out here at all. She collapsed down under the branches, stretching her legs out and looking around at Skyhold in the morning. Windows were pushed open and puffy eyed residents looked out to sniff the air. A group of new soldier recruits streamed obediently up the stairs toward the Great Hall, following a gruff looking old man clad in battle worn armor. Some people moved with purpose, such as the tall Qunari man with the eye patch who strode from the stables over to a market table. And some seemed to just be trying to figure out what to do with themselves, like her.
Selise laid back in the grass and looked up into the green branches that arced over her head. She took a deep breath and tried to release all the tension still being hoarded in her muscles from the night before. She had no idea what she was doing out there, or what the others in Skyhold would think to see a girl laying barefoot in the grass in the early morning hours. But she didn't particularly care. She'd had no idea what she was in for when she accepted Fiona and Leliana's assignment all those weeks ago, and she wasn't sure if she had really spent any time processing it, especially recently. From the moment she had Cole pick the lock to Anders' door, life had become a dizzying whirlwind.
The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she barely even recognized herself any more. It was certainly never like her to shrug off her duties, to disobey orders, to work against her mentors like she had. Not to mention the fact of her lusting after a man… Well, more than just lust. Quite a bit more, she realized. He had changed her, significantly, but yet she felt like she was following her own instincts now more than she ever had before.
She had no idea what the future held. She had no idea if he would be in it, or how long the visions from the nightmare spell would continue to haunt him, overshadowing the accomplishment of the goal that had driven them there in the first place. She could try to get him and Cole together again, see if Cole could do his work with Anders, cleansing him of the dreams. If Cole was willing. She always seemed to be asking Cole for something. He liked to help, but she regretted being such a burden to him. And if he was frightened of Anders' spirit, then how could she ask him to just put that aside and help her yet again?
So many unknowns, everywhere she looked.
After an hour lost in thought, she collected herself and walked to the kitchen, grabbing a basket and filling it with supplies. She tucked portions of Tea, breads, cheese, some cooked chicken and a few other things inside, and then turned back to the Great Hall, crossing to the stairwell that carried her back to her and Anders' little nook.
She refilled their cupboards and then tiptoed nervously toward their rooms. Anders' door was closed and no conversation was audible through the thick wood. She sighed and continued walking, entering her own room. She stripped her bed and wadded up the linens into a ball to be carried up to the laundry, collecting items of clothing and trying to push the thoughts of what she really wanted to be doing out of her mind. But in the middle of carrying the bundle toward the door she stopped and let it all fall to the floor. This wasn't going to do, she thought.
She wanted to give Anders his space, and let him come to her when he was ready, but she also wanted to make him look at her and hope that the real, flesh and blood person standing before him would help wipe away the memory of the dream version of her. She wanted to ask that he talk to her, that they work through whatever he was feeling.
She made the quick decision to obey her impulse, and within moments found herself facing Anders' door again. She knocked a quick, sharp knock, gave it a second and then let herself in.
He was standing beside his table, sorting through a stack of books.
She approached him quietly, studying his face as he looked up at her, his reddish brown eyes communicating a depth of confusion that tugged heavily on her heart. She stopped herself just a few feet away, summoning the will not to move in immediately and press her lips onto his. She forced her eyes to the floor, finding that the sight of him was inciting painful streaks of longing. Longing to hold him, to kiss him.
"Tell me what you saw," she asked him softly. "It might help you process it."
She gave him a second, but all she heard from him in response was a deep exhale.
"Vengeance mentioned something about my wanting to make you Tranquil."
He swallowed audibly and shifted his weight on his feet.
"Have a conversation with him, did you?" He asked softly.
"Yes," she answered.
At that Anders' raised an eyebrow, his eyes running over her in disbelief.
"You do seem to have had some effect on him…" he said with a far way voice, "I can feel him, right now, reaching for you."
Selise was quiet for a moment. Should she tell him that she had shared his spirit for a few minutes the night before? The words were close to the tip of her tongue when Anders looked up and continued speaking.
"You locked me up so that they could come make me Tranquil. But they made you Tranquil first. They…" he stopped as he looked up to her forehead, raising a hand to caress the center of it lightly with his thumb. "Maker's Breath, I can't even…" he said as his hand dropped and he hung his head, kneading at his brows with long fingers.
"But….. it did work?" he asked, flicking his eyes up to hers, "You were able to stop him?"
Selise nodded, and she reached a hand out toward his, grasping it and pulling it to her face. She laid soft kisses on the pads of his fingers and she sensed his body softening. She took another step closer, finding her face level with the warm fragrant nook of his neck. Before she could stop herself, she was bringing her lips to the line of his jaw, inhaling deeply as she nuzzled into him, savoring the velvety skin of his neck. She almost moaned at the deliciousness of his scent, at the magnetic draw of her body to his, a draw that only seemed to grow the closer to him she got.
He lowered his head further and leaned into her, the soft cascade of his honey colored hair tickling her cheek.
"Anders…" she whispered, but she didn't know what she intended to say beyond that. Come back to me. I need you.
His hands finally came around her, running gently along her waist and lower back.
"My love," she whispered, the words surprising even her as they tumbled effortlessly from her lips. The L word. A word she had never said to anyone. "I'm…I'm sorry we had to do that. I'm sorry it disturbed you so badly."
"But it worked," he said again, with a small, relieved laugh.
His head turned slightly, his lips coming tantalizingly within range of her own. Her hand found its way to his jaw and she felt a deep aching to feel his lips against hers, to feel a reassurance that he was still there with her.
She heard him take a deep, shaky breath.
"I need to tell you something Selise," he whispered, pulling his head away from her and stepping toward the fireplace. She reeled at the sudden gulf left around her in his absence.
"Sit," he said gesturing to one of the chairs.
He placed the black kettle on the hook that hung over the fire, and began to prepare two mugs for tea. Selise settled herself into the chair, running her eyes over the stack of books and papers that were cluttering up his table, feeling the firing up of her nerves again.
"Actually, let me ask you first. What do you know of the Seeker? Cassandra?"
"The Seeker? Almost nothing, really." Selise answered, surprised at the question. The Seeker was often away from Skyhold, accompanying the Inquisitor. Selise had admired from afar the obvious strength and power of the woman, but had never had the opportunity to be introduced to her.
"Do you…. know where her quarters are?"
"I think they are above the armory. But I am not certain," she answered.
"She has something. Something very important, and I need to find it," he said as he seated himself in the chair beside her. "But once I do, I will not be able to stay in Skyhold."
Selise pondered the implications of his words. This must have been the plan, the reason he allowed himself to be captured and brought here.
"What is this thing?" she asked.
"It is a book. An old book that contains all the knowledge of the Seekers. I have it on good authority that it confirms that the rite of Tranquility can be reversed."
"Do you really need to take it? Can you not just read it and put it back? Or copy the important bits down?"
Anders looked at her pensively. "I had not considered doing that before. It would take me having access to the book for a good period of time without being discovered. Maybe with your help it might be possible. But if there is any risk of discovery then I would need to take it and flee." he said. "I would not be staying either way. Once I have what I need I intend to take it to what is left of the Ferelden Circle."
"But many of those mages are here, recruited now into the Inquisition," she said, "And what if the book does not have the information you seek?"
"Not all of them are. Pockets of them still remain in underground strongholds, including a few of the most influential enchanters," he answered. "And I am certain about this book. I know of other Seeker documents that have existed, which confirmed that someone made Tranquil was restored. But those papers were lost. I can't let that happen again," he said. The kettle began to boil, and he rose to finish preparing the tea. Selise watched him absently, her mind running over all possible scenarios. Either she helps him and they stay. She helps him and they run. She doesn't help him and he leaves without her.
"This morning, Cullen mentioned something about transferring me out of Skyhold," Anders continued as he placed a mug before her and took his seat. "Combine that with what happened last night, with being so convinced that I was facing Tranquility… That you already had…. it was chilling. Truly terrifying." He said softly. "It is time that the impermanence of Tranquility is exposed to all, so that no one can ever hold it over our heads again. If this is the final thing that I can do for mages before my life ends then I think I can go out with a little bit of peace."
"But Anders…" she began, "that can't be right. They told me they were waiting until the Inquisitor returned to make a decision on transferring you."
"So you knew about it already?" he asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow.
"It's not decided for sure. Or at least it wasn't when Leliana brought it up to me. I was trying to convince them to keep you here." She brought the mug of tea to her lips and saw that the liquid surface was rippling with the trembling of her hands.
"Well one way or another, it looks like I am on my way out. I would prefer it be on my own terms," he said quietly.
"And there is something else."
Selise's heart jumped into her throat.
"I am sure you're aware that I was once a Grey Warden," he asked, his eyes going dark.
"I might not technically be a Warden anymore, but I do still carry the taint. And I have begun to hear the Calling."
Selise gasped a sharp intake of breath. "The Calling?" Everyone knew about the calling. Once it began it would just get stronger and stronger until it drove him mad or he killed himself first.
"My time is increasingly limited Selise. As much as I would love to stay here with you in Skyhold forever, I just can't. The Inquisition clearly doesn't want me here any more, now that I have told them all that I can. They will find a way to move me out. You know they will. And then what? I can't let this opportunity to get this book slip through my fingers. It's too important." He trained a deep, pleading gaze on her. "Think of what this would mean for mages. For you and me. Once this war is over they might try to reform the Circles. We have an opportunity to make sure that things can never go back to the way they were."
Selise nodded. She could think of no other arguments. He reached across the table and grasped her hand.
"I need your help Selise. I need you," he picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. "Stay with me, my love."
Her was looking at her warmly now. He had noticed what she'd said before.
"Anders," she breathed as she rose from her chair to rush to him, seating herself on his lap and clutching his face, bringing it into hers and pressing kisses all over it. "Of course I will" she said and she felt his warm mouth meet hers for a deep kiss. "There was never any question about that," she whispered. The sense of relief at feeling his lips on hers again was almost overwhelming. She wrapped herself around him and clung to the solidity of his body, trying to stay above the undertow of anxiety that had begun to course through her. But despite his words, despite the warmth in his eyes, she'd felt the hesitation in his kiss. She pulled away and looked at him with concern.
"Shall we find Cole? He may be able to help you…deal with the memory of the nightmares from last night," she asked.
"No. I want to remember it. The fear I felt… is helpful… a reminder not to become too complacent," he said. "But I won't lie to you Selise, I haven't been able to scrub some of the images from my mind. Of you in particular. I know it's still so soon, but I am going to need some more time. Please just be patient with me."
She nodded, rising off his lap to retake her seat and pick up her mug of tea. His hand reached out for hers and they sat in silence for a few minutes.
Her mind raced, churning with all the new information. They would be leaving Skyhold together. She would officially be abandoning her post, forsaking her commitment to the Nightingale and becoming nothing more than just another wanted apostate. And they were, what, to travel the Frostbacks on foot? That would be a long, cold, brutal journey. And if this book was as important as he said it was, then they would be chased every step of the way.
She noticed again that her hands were trembling, and she had to set down her mug before it began to spill over. She looked up at Anders, who was also staring vacantly into space. It was the calm before the storm, she realized. If he truly felt his time was so limited, if the Inquisition was going to try to transfer him after all, then they had things to do.