Let's go round again?

Chapter Ten

Attack had always been the best form of defense and so in spite of any good intentions he might have had that's what he did.

"How can you say that Ruth? I asked you to marry me! For God's sake what more could I have done? And let's not forget it was you who turned me down. You who declared that we were as close as we were ever going to be. That I would be have to be content with what I'd got. And what had I got? The crumbs from your table. That's what. You say that you saw me holding Elena. Yes I did that because, because it was the natural thing to do. She was scared and in danger and yes a little bit of me thought about our previous relationship I can't deny that, I won't deny that but it meant nothing, nothing at all. It was just an act of kindness, misplaced, ill conceived kindness maybe but that's all it was. And I admit that in that moment I needed, was desperate for some human contact, some comfort; however false it was. I was descending into hell Ruth and as far as I could see there would be no way back. I thought, no I knew that I had lost or would be losing everything and everybody that meant anything to me. And just at that moment the feeling of another warm body next to mine was comforting even though I knew that it was all bloody false ; part of the game she was playing, but at that moment I took what I could from it. After all nobody else was going to hold me were they?"

And then he looked at her in the way that seemed to strip her naked so he could see into her very soul "You never said" the words even to her ears sounded stilted and trite but he had her on the back foot again.

He made a bitter mirthless sound that seemed to pain him "You can only kick an old dog so many times Ruth before even it learns the lesson."

"She taunted me about you Harry" her voice was very small and he had to strain to hear what she was saying "She told me that you would never love me, that you would always, always put duty first, that if we ever had a relationship it would be entirely on your terms and that she doubted very much if I could hold your attention for more than a couple of months; that if there was any attraction on your part it was the thrill of the chase and once you'd caught me there would be nothing left. And then I would be left alone with nothing but regrets. How did she know that we weren't in a relationship Harry? How did she know that we were...?"

He slapped his hands on the table making a sound that echoed around the room startling her "Because she was bloody good Ruth, that's why. She'd been reading people and situations for almost all of her life and a lot of the time her life depended on that skill so it's no surprise that she knew just was going on between us. Or should I say what wasn't going on. It would have amused her no end Ruth; her knowing that I was so out of my depth with you and so she just couldn't resist playing a little game with you."

She stood quickly and moved back to the window and even though there was only a matter of yards between then it might as well have been the Atlantic Ocean.

"If you felt like that why didn't you come to me Harry? I thought we were friends at least? Why did you never respond to my reaching out to you? I was broken as well Harry we could have helped each other to heal. Couldn't we?"

"What would you have done if I'd reached out for you Ruth, what would you have done if I'd put my arm around you and told you I was lost. Why would I have done that Ruth?I'd already come to you with my heart in my hands, I'd already offered you everything, stood naked before you and what had you done? Rebuffed me, made me feel worthless, reinforced my knowledge that I was a failure as a father, a would be, well what did I want to be Ruth? Friend? Lover? Husband? Well you made it quite clear that the only thing I could hope for was that we continued to work together and then as I saw the storm clouds gathering I couldn't even allow myself that luxury. I had to get you away from my side, I had to make you safe so that when they came for me you wouldn't be caught up in it all."

As he spoke he'd pushed himself up from the sofa trying hard not to wince or moan as the pain the sudden movement had caused throbbed through his battered body. Setting his face he limped over to the table were he kept the scotch; pouring himself a good measure which he drank down in one, closing his eyes in pleasure as the amber liquid warmed his throat and his belly. Ruth watched him reliving so many moments when she watched him doing the self same thing but as he poured himself another generous measure she spoke, her voice a little more scathing than she'd intended

"Do you think that's wise Harry? I don't think that mixing alcohol with the cocktail of drugs you're on at the moment is the best move do you?"

"Who do you think you are Ruth? My mother?"

She mumbled something under her breath which seemed to antagonise him even more. "No speak up Ruth, why break the habit of a life time? When did you start to be shy about giving your opinion.

And before she could stop herself she found herself snapping back at him "Well if you're going to act like a child I'll treat you like a child."

This time he did laugh, properly and out loud as he looked down at his hands one holding a very expensive bottle of single malt and the other a half filled tumbler of the amber liquid and in an almost teasing tone he asked her "And how many children do you know who swig this stuff? I know that children are more precocious these days but where would they get the money? Do you have any idea how much this costs?"

She'd always been able to make him, well if not exactly laugh out loud then at least see some ironic aspect of a situation that appealed to the man he had buried so deep within himself. Like now it had not always been intentional but she could feel the warmth of all those experiences and she felt the tension leaving her body.

Bloody Man! She thought as she looked at him beginning to understand how very lonely his adult life had been and still was. He was indeed made of secrets; they all had been but Harry more than any of them; after all he'd had to cope with not only his own deceits but t heir's as well. He'd trusted no one, except maybe her but because of his sense of duty coupled with years of betraying and being betrayed had crippled him emotionally he'd been unable to connect fully with her however much he'd wanted to.

And she'd not exactly helped things had she?

She'd not made it easy for him, before she'd gone into exile the first time, she'd behaved like a school girl with a crush on a teacher, not willing to acknowledge her very deep feelings for him. Because she had loved him hadn't she? Loved him enough to sacrifice everything for him.

And then when she'd returned, snatched from the life she'd managed to carve out for herself she'd been frightened and angry, resentful, so full of passion that she couldn't cope and so she channeled that anger at the one person she knew would take it from her. Harry. Someone had to take the blame and she'd not been ready to shoulder it herself.

She decided to meet him half way, the conversation had been in danger of tipping over the edge, and edge that it would have been very hard to scramble back up from. "If you nurse that measure for a while Harry I'll open a bottle of wine and join you."

He raised his glass to her in acknowledgment but he placed the bottle back on the table before he moved to sit in his favorite armchair, not she noticed on the sofa. They'd been sat in silence for a few minutes when Ruth's phone rang. Harry raised an eyebrow, he'd begun to relish the cocoon he'd been building around them. In his mind he'd been able to block out the rest of the world and he was disturbed that someone from her other life was trying to breach the walls he'd been so carefully building.

Ruth looked at the screen and said "I have to take this Harry, it's work and it must be important if ..." and she stood and walked to the window as she listened. The call seemed very one sided with Ruth saying very little except to protest that she was on leave and that surely someone else could cope? In the end he saw her shoulders droop as she made sounds of capitulation, promising to be there, where ever there was later that evening, agreeing that it would be a good idea if a hotel room was booked for her.

He waited for her to tell him that she was leaving him and she didn't disappoint. "You may have gathered that was work Harry. I have to, they want me to attend a conference tomorrow, I'd hoped my deputy would stand in for me but he's getting the whole presentation wrapped around his neck and he's panicking so..."

"When do you have to leave?" he asked her taking another sip of his whisky. The pathetic part of him wondering if she'd arranged this, arranged for someone to ring her so she could have an excuse to get out of his house.

"Tonight Harry, you'll be okay? No don't look at me like that Harry I'm just checking. I meant to stay a couple more days to make sure you were out of the woods but...I'm sorry, really I am."

"Don't be silly Ruth, you've gone above and beyond what I could have expected from you. I had no right to interfere in your life the way I have." The words echoed in his head. They sounded false and God help him needy. He sounded like the petulant child she's accused him of being not fifteen minutes ago so putting up his barriers once more he stood far too quickly ushering her from the room telling her he'd go outside and make sure her car would start. Anything to get away from her and her judgment of him.

Ruth watched as he limped down the path, thankfully the rain had eased so she let him get on with it. Bloody man! Why did he have to make things so hard for himself. She knew that he doubted the validity of her words and that annoyed her, nearly as much as Seb her boss and her deputy who between them seemed to have undone all her hard work, weeks of work in just twenty four hours and now it was Ruth to the rescue it seemed.

When she came back down the stairs Harry was pacing in the hall and when he saw her he smiled sheepishly saying "I'm sorry Ruth I was very rude. I didn't ask you where you had to be tomorrow. Can you tell me?"

She laughed at him softly "It's not a state secret Harry. Those days are well and truly over. Thank God! No I work for MOLA and we have a presentation in York, we're in need of funding for the digs that are coming up around the extension to the Cross Rail line. So nothing very exciting...or dangerous for that matter."

"That's good then" he said smiling back at her "But surely you're not thinking of driving up there on your own? It's a fair way."

"Don't worry I'll be taking the train Harry, there's one in about two hours so I'll really have to be on my way. Sorry. Are you sure you'll be okay? You can ring me if you need anything. After all you have my number don't you Harry?" She said this as she was moving towards the front the door and as she opened it she turned to him and said "That's something else we have to talk about isn't it?"

As she looked at him he looked so lost and for a moment she considered ringing Seb to tell him to stuff his conference and his job but common sense won the day so instead she put down her bag stepping back towards him; hugging him briefly before she turned back towards the open door and out into the night.

MOLA is the Museum of London Archeology.