"It's not the end of the world Ciel, You ans I have had this conversation time and again. We are both upset by what happened, I've had the healer explain the situation in his own words. It was not your fault, you cannot continue this way. You've refused feedings and frankly my love, I'm afraid for you. My heart hurts as well, every bit of pain remains, I am begging you, quite literally on my knees, stop torturing yourself." Sebastian pleaded as Ciel sat before him.
The young demon had lost the child a month prior and still could not look into Sebastian's eyes. He had barely spoken a word since the visit with the queen. He would often tell Sebastian he wasn't hungry when asked, Ciel had become pale and withdrawn. Sebastian wanted to reach out and shake him, pull him from the trance he seemed to be in and wake him up.
Ciel would sometimes sit in his chair or lie in bed, his hands resting on his abdomen as he stared absentmindedly at the wall or ceiling, tears filling his eyes. This only hurt Sebastian more. He was desperate to have his Ciel back.
"I can't stop thinking." He said quietly after a long silence.
"Thinking what Love, talk to me so that I might understand."
"I feel so...empty...hollow. I've done so many things that were wrong, I was so cold, I couldn't feel-I shouldn't be here."
"Ciel, please-"
"I shouldn't, it's not right, it doesn't feel right. It should have been me. I failed. That's all I've ever done when it comes to us. You're so unhappy and Ann,-"
"You did no such thing, I love you so much, I need you here. Look at me Ciel."
"I'm useless to you, I caused you to lose so much. I-I wish you would've let me d-"Sebastian could take no more, he reached out suddenly and pulled Ciel from his chair, into his arms, holding him tight as the young demon burst into tears, clinging to his mate.
"You can never say such things, you must never think that way. I love you far too much to let you give into this, I will not allow you to drown in this sorrow that seems to have pulled you down so far that you cannot get out. I won't allow you to stay there, just promise me that you will let me help you out of it. Whatever it takes and regardless of how long, I will not give up on you."Cynna watched from mere steps away. The scene broke his heart.
"I don't know how you can ask me to be here, I don't belong in a place with so much-"
"No. This is where you belong, right here, in my arms. This is where you will always belong. I made the choice, you are everything to me. I know that you didn't give yourself time to feel the loss and this is what happened as a result, it all hit you at once, you put yourself aside for me. Forgive me Ciel, and know that you are precious to me."
"I'm sorry Sebastian. I don't know-"
"hush now Ciel, it's alright. I'm here. I'm always right here."
"I don't know how you do this, how do you love me so much after everything, I'm such a bloody mess."
"No, you've been through a lot, it isn't just the loss of the child that hurts you, everything from your life as a human also seems to be catching up to you now, you cannot hold onto it. Yes, it's alright to feel sad, but keep in mind that there are those who count on you and need you to be strong, will you try?"
"I will. I'll need help."
"Ciel, that's what a mate is for, your pain is my pain, anything you may be struggling with is something we will work out together." Ciel nodded and allowed Sebastian to lean him back in his arms so that he was looking up at the older demon.
"Sebastian?" Ciel snuggled in to his future mate.
"Yes?'
""I feel funny, kind of lightheaded and dizzy."
"Then you must try to eat. You're hungry, this is how it began with my illness and I will not allow you to go through it. Will you accept a feeding?"
"I don't really feel hungry." Ciel said quietly.
"because you're upset. Please eat."
"I suppose I should try..for you." Sebastian leaned down and began nuzzling Ciel lovingly.
"Cynna, bring the feeding glass immediately. "
"Instantly my lord." The butler replied, exiting the room quickly. Ciel remained in Sebastian's arms quietly. His guilt was getting the best of him and he knew that it was something he would never fully get over. He closed his eyes, listening to the strong, rhythmic beating of his mate's heart. The sound was soothing to the young demon. It wasn't long before Ciel drifted into a short but peaceful sleep.
"Ciel, I need you to wake up now, I know you would rather not, but it is very important that you eat before you become ill." Sebastian called gently, he ran his fingers through Ciel's dark hair.
The younger demon's eyes fluttered open and he shifted slightly in Sebastian's arms.
"It's good to see you awake once again." Sebastian greeted lovingly.
"How long was I sleeping?"
"not long, Cynna returned with the glass five minutes ago. I let you sleep for a bit, I had hoped that you would feel better when you woke."
"I'm not sure I do really. You aren't upset with me?"
"Certainly not, I'm concerned with your behavior and your words. I love you dearly and to have you feel so unhappy that you would fall into such a deep depression is a frightening thought for me, It feels as if you are worlds away from me and I cannot bring you back, I don't know how to reach you and all I can do when I do have you, is hold you and hope for the best. This is why I must ask you to trust me completely, I want you to come to me when you feel this way, you shouldn't hold it in until this happens. You and I will work through this and everything will be alright."
"I don't know if I'm strong enough for this life. I can't even cope with my own failure, I don't know what's-"
"You haven't failed. I am very proud of you. You do everything you can for me and I can't possibly expect you to handle everything on your own, not even I can do that." Sebastian handed Ciel the full glass and stroked the former Earl's hair as he drank the crimson liquid.
"I still don't know how you can stand to be near me like this, I've never been this way." Sebastian placed his hand in Ciel's, holding it up to the young demon's eye level so that he was looking directly at his ring.
"I knew when I gave this ring to you that you would need me to help you through whatever pain your past may bring. There isn't much here to distract you from it. I don't love you any less. You are my forever love. I would move Heaven and Earth for you, I will give everything I have for you, but the one thing I will never do Ciel, is give up on you.
"You didn't know when you gave it to me that I'd end up pregnant and-"
"No, I didn't. What I did know that day was that if I allowed you to walk away from me, and I didn't tell you, I would lose you forever, and of all the mistakes I've made, that was not one I was willing to experience. I've told you this many times, but I will continue to until it sinks in, I love you no matter what. What happened to our demonling was not your fault and there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. Do you understand?"
"Yes." Ciel said taking another sip from his glass.
"Good, now, tell me what I can do to make you feel better in the moment, you and I will continue to work through your grief for as long as it takes. I promise you that I will always be patient and do the best I can to understand."
"Could you just hold me for a while?"
"my dearest treasure, I will hold you for eternity if only you'll let me. Promise me that you will come to me when you're feeling this way and allow me to help you, no matter what I'm doing at the moment, you are more important, don't try to keep it to yourself because you don't want to upset me. I'd be devastated if you felt like this and acted on your wish. Promise that you will stay with me always and forever. You see my dear one, I have lost family and friends, I was saddened by the loss, sometimes angry. Should you leave me in that way, I would not have the strength to continue. You must never go where I cannot follow." Sebastian said quietly. He nuzzled Ciel gently.
Ciel had heard his deep pain echoed in Sebastian's plea and could think of only two words to say to the one who taught him what it felt like to be loved so deeply and unconditionally.
"I promise."