Let's go round again?
Chapter Nineteen
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
He'd searched the entire room even sticking his head through all the various doors that led onto the large balcony but he'd had no luck, he couldn't see her. He needed to stay calm; he knew that because even as he searched he could feel his breathing accelerate once more. It was all a nightmare, a nightmare that he was very familiar with; he'd had it often enough. It was always the same; they'd meet in a small nondescript room, they didn't touch or even speak but he felt calm because of her presence; he felt himself relax and then for some reason best known to himself he turned his back on her and she was gone and the room turned into a maze, a labyrinth of dark tunnels filled with his fears, fears that had taunted him for years; his loneliness, his aloneness, his regrets, the very real feeling that he had wasted his life, the chances of happiness he'd missed because he was too busy being Harry Peace saviour of the nation when he should have been just Harry Pearce the man, the feeling of emptiness in his gut for all the friends he'd lost, the guilt was so huge it almost consumed him after all what was the use of keeping the nation safe when he'd been unable to keep them safe?
There were so many regrets and fears and he felt them overwhelm him once more just as they did in his dreams briefly closing his eyes he allowed himself to be dragged into the memories of those dreams; to feel the fear; to imagine the unseen dangers around every corner but as always he knew instinctively that Ruth was the one in danger not him and that he had to find her before she was consumed by the evil that he was sure was laying in wait for her. In his dreams he'd search and search to the point of exhaustion but he could never find her. And then just when he'd been going to give up,to accept that she was gone that he'd failed her again the scent of her would waft into his nostrils, the taste of her would be on his tongue, the feel of her would be on his fingertips and he'd be off again on a fools errand searching for the unobtainable.
That was when the worst part of the dream would happen, he would catch glimpses of her but she was far, far away, sometimes she was alone,sometimes she was weeping calling his name. At other times she was happy and smiling, holding the hand of a man whose face he couldn't see but it didn't matter where she was she always remained elusive; just out of his reach and he would wake up drenched in sweat, crying like a baby as he called her name.
And now it seemed that those dreams were somehow prophetic. The sane balanced part of his brain told him to pull himself together and think logically, told him she was still here, after all she could be in ladies or maybe she'd stepped out to take a phone call. There were rational explanations for her absence and he must remember that. But the jeering, capering dark side of him was whispering in his ear
She's seen through you you sad old fraud! She's done her duty, paid her dues and know she's desperate to get back to her safe life. The one you've dragged her away from. You selfish old bastard! Leave her be, it's to late for you but not for her. Leave her alone!
"Lost her have you old boy?" said a mocking voice in his ear. Arthur Symons was enjoying his discomfort he could tell that as he went on "Surely you've not misplaced the lovely Ms. Evershed again? Bit of a habit of yours, bloody careless if you ask me!" and the man went off laughing at his own joke.
He had to find that idiot Seb if anyone knew where Ruth was he would; the man seemed to think of Ruth as his prize protégée and Harry was sure that he'd keep an eye on her movements. He knew he would have done. He spied the man by the buffet table and made his way over calming himself before he asked casually "Have you seen Ruth lately? She asked me to meet her but she seems to have disappeared. " he said it all in a light hearted way as though he really wasn't concerned just a little peeved at Ruth's apparent tardiness. As he stood waiting for Seb to answer his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the table beside him he slipped his mask in place and with an effort merged into the background, he had in effect made himself invisible, he'd learnt very early on his career that people only noticed people and things that interested them and he was making bloody sure that he was of no interest to anyone. It was a defence mechanism so that if Seb gave him bad news he'd be able to absorb it, dismiss it and carry on as though nothing he'd been told had affected him.
Part of him knew that he should admit defeat.
Go home back to the life that he'd carved out for himself, it wasn't so bad was it? He was his own boss, he had money enough to be comfortable, he lived in pleasant neighbourhood, he could travel when and where he wanted to, he answered to no one. He was his own master.
Yes he was his own master but what did that mean? What use was all the money in the world? Money didn't make you happy, he knew that from experience. The neighbourhood may have been pleasant but he knew few of his neighbours, choosing to make himself standoffish and aloof so that only the most persistent and curious still tried to engage him in chit chat. And as for travelling, travelling made him feel even more alone, more lonely. There was something soul destroying about sitting outside a café or restaurant watching couples and families passing; chattering, laughing, holding hands just revelling in being part of something that was bigger than themselves. That image always made his stomach sink and his heart contract. No, travelling was not something that he enjoyed at all, he may have had the freedom, he didn't answer to anyone but by God he wanted to!
He didn't want to be his own master. He didn't want to live with his arrogance, an arrogance that kept telling him he could face the future alone.
Gary moved away from Ruth exasperation written all over his face, his body language echoing his aggravation, he wasn't used to being thwarted like this and he knew that he'd have to change his tactics. "I'm sorry Ruth". To his own ears he sounded sincere and he hoped that Ruth would think so to. "I've been inconsiderate and selfish, it's one of my many failings. I need someone to take me in hand and temper my bad habits."
He'd thought about moving back to sit beside Ruth but his instinct told him that playing it cool was the thing to do right at this moment in time."Do you want to talk about it, him?" he asked surprised that he really wanted her to talk to him about his rival for Ruth's affections.
She closed her eyes tight as though she wanted to block out the world and everyone in it
"It's complicated" she said in a small quiet voice so he had to strain to listen. "Harry and I; well we go back a long way. When I meet him for the first time he was my new boss, a powerful man, a force of nature who got things done. I was transferred from a local branch up to head office, well to Harry's department in fact. I'd been trying to make the move for ages it all sounded exciting and dynamic and I suppose in my own naïve little way I thought I could make a difference." She laughed again that small self deprecating laugh that he was starting to recognise.
"I was a lot younger then. Maybe I still believed in fairy tales. I don't know I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else."
"When my workmates found out about the transfer and who I was going to be working for they were falling over each other to tell me about his; Harry's reputation as a serial womaniser and how I should watch myself or I'd soon be another notch on his bedpost. You know the sort of thing that I mean. I made a very inauspicious start on my first day. I was late and I dropped all my files; it was so embarrassing I just wanted the earth to swallow me up whole. I can remember waiting for Harry to bawl me out, to send me on my merry way back to whence I came but instead he made a silly joke and laughed and that laugh was one of the sweetest sounds I had ever heard.
Gary thought he heard her say something else, he thought he heard her say "I thought he was magnificent" but he wasn't sure and he didn't want to stop Ruth as she told her tale.
"There was a connection between us from the start, oh nothing was said, nothing improper was ever muted but over time the rest of the team noticed that Harry was softer with me, more likely to listen to advice from me and so I became sort of a go between when Harry was being unreasonable." She laughed as she said the words before she added "And he could be bloody unreasonable I can assure you of that."
Gary waited for her to carry on but she seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, he spied a water bottle and a couple of glasses on a table a little way off and stood with the intention of retrieving them. He was not surprised to find that she'd not even noticed he'd moved. Sighing he poured her a glass and placed it in front of her. In answer to her raised eyebrows he said swiftly "Water Ruth, just water I think we would both like to keep a clear head while you share your story with me."
She smiled at him, an enchanting smile that captivated him and made him even more determined to make her his wife "Carry on Ruth" he prompted "I'm sure there's more to your story and I'd like to hear it. Really I would."
She took a long sip of water and then another before she placed the glass on the table "We went on like that for ages, dancing around one another, exchanging glances, brushing fingertips. In a way it was all very Jane Austin,we lost some of the core team who were replaced by eager, keen bright young things but Harry and I were ever present; the backbone of the team I suppose you could say. Of course it was inevitable that there was gossip about us, gossip that I was unable to acknowledge. I hated being talked about always had so I ignored the obvious and just indulged myself in the game that we were playing. And then it all changed; Harry asked me out on a date, a real date, not a drink at the local with the rest of the team or a meet up at the home of other members of the core team."
She stopped and took another sip of water " And it was lovely, wonderful, magic. I was so unsure of myself I was a nervous wreck but Harry was funny and sincere and that night I was privileged to be shown a glimpse of the real Harry Pearce. And for a few brief hours I allowed myself to dream, to dream that against all the odds we could have a future together, that against all the odds a man like Harry Pearce could be interested in a woman like me. And do you know Gary those few magical hours were and still are some of the most precious of my entire life."
I have written and re-written this so many times and I'm no longer sure what works and what doesn't! I can only hope that some of you see some merit in at least bits of it and don't just see it as me indulging myself in flights of fancy!