As the night wore on, it became quickly apparent that there would be no action for Kick-Ass and Red Mist, unless you were to count the neck that the later wanted to snap; back and forth all night it seemed, his girlfriend had called him at least ten times in the last three minutes alone. First, there was a lot of yelling on both of their parts, and it sounded as if things were over. At least, that's what it had sounded like to Dave, but what did he know?

Backtracking maybe only fifteen minutes - fifteen very long minutes that seemed to go by much slower than they needed to - the Mist Mobile received her first call of the night, the identifier of 'My Bitch' scrawled across the glowing screen. Dave assumed that that was Red Mist's girlfriend calling him, but agitated by her or not, he was a little curious by the fact that the hero ignored her message - if she was calling him at work, wasn't there the very real possibility that she was in danger? But then it hit him: What if Red Mist was avoiding her calls because he was there? He knew that if he had someone special in his life, Dave would want to keep her away from all this shit, to protect her, even from those he called his allies.

By the second ring of her first call, the teen began to frantically search for some excuse to use to give Red Mist some privacy. Pointing out the window as they turned down a winding back ally, Kick-Ass indicated a good spot to pull over. "Hey, if you need to take that, we could pull over right here." So much for offering up some innocently lame excuse.

Oh, Chris had seen that spot well before it was pointed out to him, but now that numb-nuts had shown some interest in his personal life, he couldn't not take the call, not if he wanted to keep his cover. So he pulled over, taking Emily's call, "Red Mist speaking."

Dave couldn't make out what was being said - to be polite he turned as far from his fellow super as he could without actually actually leaving the car - but whoever was speaking sounded very distressed, "Oh, give me a fucking break, Chris! I know that you're just screwing around with some bimbo! I hold off on visiting my mother - a woman on death's door - and you repay me by fucking around with some tart!"

Such a fucking drama queen! Emily's mom was so probably faking being sick just as some pathetic excuse to see her daughter! Probably. Emily hadn't seen her mother since moving to the city to be with her father, but from what he understood, her uncle had made her Skype her mother at least twice a week when she moved in with him. But the way that she was accusing him of cheating on her, he should have been.

He kept his answer short, mindful that he was not alone. "I'm busy right now."

"Oh! I bet you are," Emily was really fired up tonight, so fired up in fact that her insults barely made sense and sounded more like a fit of Tourettes as opposed to genuine anger, "You sorry sack of cum-guzzling she-tramps! Mother fucking blistering, puss-filled, pubic-"

He moved the phone away from his head as she ranted on, miming a gun to the head, whispering to Kick-Ass, "You see the shit I'm dealing with? This cunt is unbelievable!" Dave just kind of shrugged, unsure of what to say. Putting the phone back in its proper position, Chris replied almost automatically, "Baby, calm the fuck down, alright? Seriously, I'm working, and your blocking the line."

There was an audible snort that even Kick-Ass could make out, "Working, huh? Who is she?! I wanna hear the cunt you have lined up to try to take my place!"

He wanted to keep them as far apart from each other as he possibly could, but she was making that fucking impossible, so he looked at Dave imploringly, suddenly even more pissed off now that he had to turn to that jack-off for assistance, "Would you mind putting her at ease?"

Nodding, Dave took the phone from Chris, holding it to his head, realizing that he didn't have any idea how to do that, "Umm, hello?"

Ok, so it wasn't a woman... But she was still suspicious, "Who the fuck is this?"

"I'm Kick-Ass."

The phone dropped out of her hand, but she picked it back up, her tone so much softer now that she knew that her boyfriend wasn't currently lying to her (if only she could say the same), and with subtle hints of humility, "Can you give the phone back to my boyfriend now?"

He handed it back to Chris, who took it, counting the seconds that she was speaking to that scrawny fuck. "Believe me now?"

She sounded apologetic, trembling with contrition, "I'm sorry, I guess I was just worried that you were showing someone else your mood lighting..."

"What the fuck? I already showed him what the Mist Mobile could do. It was like, the first time we met." He didn't get that she was using a metaphor.

But she didn't know that he didn't get that. "Mother Fucker! The first night, really? Well fuck you very much, its over! I hope you like plugging his ass more than you enjoyed my pussy, because you are never going to see either of us ever again! You cunt!"

She hung up after that, but it wasn't long before she called again...

When it first started, Chris was annoyed, but he had kept it fairly level, answering her call on the third or fourth ring, just before it would go to voice mail. Now that she had dumped him (for maybe the third time that month), he wasn't in nearly so kind a mood. "What the fuck is it now?"

Pouting, no, more like wailing into the line, Emily was quick as always to realize her mistake and come crawling back on all fours. "Baby, I'm so sorry - You know that I don't mean it, that I get crazy jealous. Please, please, please, take me back? You know that this world will never be as kind to me as you are... I love you."

As if he ever took any of their breakups seriously. But sometimes, she just needed to sweat it out, especially when she went insane for no reason at all. "Maybe if you take that stick out of your ass, I'd consider it."

"Baby, you know that I'd do anything for you." She seemed to brighten up, a switch flipping somewhere. "Now, how about you come home early, and I make this fight worth it? Whatever you want to do, I'll do, and I won't complain once..." She dropped her voice, whispering, "If you want, you don't even have to come home - I can do it for you right now."

With that, it was his turn to lose it, thinking that this had been her plan the entire time, "You almost had me going there! For a moment, I was thinking that you were just pissed for no reason, or because you were on the rag or something, but this was your plan the entire time! You made me believe that you had faith in me, that I could this whole thing, but it was never for me - you just wanted to fuck him," Chris avoided bringing up Kick-Ass, even though he wanted nothing more than scream and shout at the both of them, possibly to find some way to torture them at the same time, "Fucking slut!"

Crying, even she wasn't sure why, "Is that what you think?! Dammit, if I wanted to fuck Kick-Ass, I would have just e-mailed him! You think I don't care about you? Well fuck you very much! Look at the wall I've built between myself and my family, all for you!"

Yap, yap, yap, she could try to get out of it all she wanted to, but that didn't change shit. Already in a bad mood that day, there was just no improving his viewpoint, so he didn't feel any remorse when he hung up on her, pressing the ignore button every time she called. Well, for the first hundred calls, but it was inevitable that he would change his mind and answer the call. On and on that cycle went, sometimes with him calling her, but it all was the same, as if some cruel god had found the repeat button.

Just watching as it unfolded, wills breaking and egos inflating, Dave now understood exactly what Red Mist had been talking about when he tried to explain just how much work it was being in a relationship. Sure, if Katie Deauxma ever gave him the chance, he would jump at it, but if it had been anyone else, he wasn't so sure he'd be willing to do anything more than a 'no strings attached' kind of deal...

Total random thing I noticed, but in the first movie, when Dave and co. are watching the TV report on Red Mist, Chris himself is actually standing there in the background, with Stu. I was really proud of that catch, but there are probably many of you that have already caught it... Oh well.

Remember, reviews are always welcome, no matter how nit-picky or simple! So review! Pretty please?

Kick-Ass is the property of Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. Emily Vela is mine. Knight too.