Let's go round again

Chapter Twenty

As I start to write this chapter it is my intention that it be the last one. My thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, it's been a long ride! I can't believe that so many of you have taken the time to leave review and PM me it is much appreciated. Thank you so, so much. Well if you decided to stick to the end you'll see that all my good intentions were for naught! Just ran out of steam and need to go away and think about what is coming next if anyone is interested that is!

He waited for her to carry on knowing that if he were to have any chance with her he needed to know the story of her and the "old man". She'd been emotional whilst she was telling him about her early connection with the "old man" but Gary felt, no knew that the best thing he could do was to let her tell her story, it was obvious even to him that she'd not shared it before and he hoped that doing so would make it easier for her to leave the past behind and move on.

"You were saying" he whispered to her as he moved to sit next to her on the padded bench. "I can tell that this isn't easy for you Ruth but sometimes it does help to share, sometimes saying things out loud puts them into some sort of perspective and I'm all ears."

"It's difficult" she said in a small, lost voice. "Even thinking about him makes me less able to cope, to function. I'd spent so many years deliberately not thinking about him, not remembering him and now in the last couple of weeks everything has come crashing down on my head, into my head and I don't know where I am."

"You're here with me Ruth" Gary said as he took the chance to slip a comforting arm around her shoulder. "We can sit here all night if you want to. You can tell me the rest of the story or we can just sit here, it's entirely up to you, but I say again that I think talking about it will do you good."

She nodded at him slowly the look on her face unreadable. "Where was I?" she asked but it seemed the question was purely rhetorical as she carried on quickly "As I said I allowed myself to dream, allowed myself to indulge in wonderful fantasies for a few brief hours and then real life came crashing down around my ears. I should tell you Gary that I've always had a problem with people talking about me, about being the centre of attention. It's just not me, I'd much rather be in the background, under the radar if you know what I mean?"

There was nothing to say so he just nodded before she went on "Well when I went into work the next day full of the joys of spring one of our colleagues, a man who Harry trusted and respected and who I considered to be a friend told me how very happy he was that Harry and I had found one another. I was mortified Gary all I could think of was the gossip that would sweep around the organisation like wild fire and for the rest of the day I avoided Harry like the plague imagining all the time that everyone was gossiping about me. And by the end of the day I was a nervous wreck."

"Just take your time" he said as he handed her another glass of water "In your own time."

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "You're very kind" she said "And more patient than I deserve, you must think me a complete fool to get so worked up about events that occurred so long ago...but it's just...Oh I don't know!"

"And then what happened?" he prompted.

"Well that night after everyone had gone home I went into his office and told him that we couldn't see each other again. Out of work I mean." she shuddered "I will always remember his face" she said softly "He looked as though I had ripped his heart out, he seemed to crumple in front of me and I felt so bad for him, for both of us but it was something I had to do for both our sakes. Or at least that's what I told myself."

Ruth thought about telling Gary more but felt that the exquisite pain that she and Harry had shared over the following weeks was too personal to be ever shared with another human being and not for the first time she wondered what was wrong with her that she should count those torturous, harrowing weeks before her departure from Harry's side as somehow special.

!And then" she carried on "Outside influences came into play and the whole thing was settled for me. As I had feared Harry's enemies within the company got to know about our affection and decided to use me as a weapon against him. I was given the chance to make things easier for Harry and I took it. I resigned with immediate effect and left the country. And before you ask Gary Harry did try to stop me, he came to the airport

( The scene on that windswept freezing jetty on the Thames was too intimate and personal to share with anyone else and how could she explain the location without giving too much away?)

As I said he tried to make me change my mind but my mind was made up. I tried then and I have tried many times in the ensuing years to tell myself I did it all for Harry and that's true up to a point but some of it was for myself. If I was away from him, from his presence, his smile, his voice, the essence of the man then I would be safe...So I fled. Like a coward I fled."

"What happened to you?" he asked as he was drawn into this, well it was a love story wasn't it? A love story that had never been given the chance to bloom into something glorious. And he could tell that it still hurt Ruth ….a lot. His mind was trying to calculate how long ago it must have been that all this took place and he wondered at a human spirit that could carry the flame of love for so long.

She shifted in her seat seemingly suddenly conscious of how close he was sitting to her but he didn't move, in fact he turned his leg a little so that they were still connected from thigh to knee,something told him that keeping her aware of his presence was going to be essential if he were to make her open to a relationship with him. He could sense that relationship was getting less and less likely as she told him about her and the "old man" but his pride and his stubbornness made him determined to try as hard as he could yo win her and her affections.

"Tell me Ruth; what happened to you?"

"I had money so that was no problem but I was afraid that I would be sort out and I didn't want that so I decided to disappear under the radar. Free movement for E.U. Passport holders made it easier than you might think to cross borders within Europe and I'm quite resourceful when I put my mind to it." She smiled at him and for the first time he saw some vestige of humour in her face.

"That Ruth" he said "Is something that I would never ever doubt." And he returned her smile ten fold, taking the chance to slip his arm behind her shoulders but he didn't touch her...not yet, for now it was enough to have it resting on the back of the seat.

"Eventually I found myself on one of the Mediterranean islands, it doesn't matter which one and I found myself a job. Nothing high tec and stressful, I'd had enough of that world. No it was just routine admin work and I revelled in the freedom of it, in the freedom of the island. I fell in love with it, all of it."

"There was a man" the words were out of his mouth before he even thought about them, he just knew that she'd found someone. Was it the way her voice dropped when she said the word love,was it perhaps the way her expression softened or maybe the tilt of her head. He couldn't really tell but he knew he was right.

"Yes there was a man. I was alone and lonely and he was kind and uncomplicated. Our relationship was never going to be the real thing, the real thing was back in London but he offered me hope and care. Respite from the inner turmoil that I was struggling with. He made it plain he wanted me even with all my baggage and it was easy, no not easy it was undemanding, yes that's the word undemanding to slip into being a part of his life, being part of his family and for a while I was happy. Well as happy as I was ever going to be.

But these things never last do they? Things with rocky foundations are never going to last and it all fell apart when the past came knocking. People get hurt, badly hurt and then there is no going back. All you are left with is regret, guilt and a corruption of everything that you thought you knew. Then all you can do is live with what you have done and if you're like me you look around for someone to share the blame for the wrongness of it all and I chose Harry."

"You were back in London by then? I'm trying to understand what it is you're telling me Ruth but I figure out you don't trust me enough to tell me the whole story. One day maybe you will. I hope so because I want to help you. I really do."

Gary was telling nothing but the truth, he did want to help Ruth but he was starting to think that the whole thing was far more complicated than he'd first thought. This woman was far more complicated than he'd first surmised and he was starting to feel out of his depth but he just couldn't let it go. He needed to know the rest of the saga.

"Yes, yes I was back in London...alone again and back working for Harry. What's it they say about a moth and a flame? Oh it wasn't easy; I was bitter and resentful and determined that someone besides myself should pay for my unhappiness. Harry was a changed man from the one I'd left, he was angrier, more remote, more isolated, more world weary but he accepted all the shit I dished out to him without barely a flinch and slowly but surely we started to re-build some sort of friendship. He made it plain that he still cared for me but I wouldn't allow myself to go there. Too much was between us by then. I thought the uneasy peace we'd created was all I deserved. And then, and then just as I was starting to think we could have more it all came crashing down around my ears. Oh I knew Harry had a past. What man like him couldn't have a past but I thought I was somehow different but a woman from his past, a woman who I thought he still cared for came back into his life and he began to manipulate me, to make use of me to achieve the end that he wanted. Harry had always been good at getting people to do his bidding but I thought that I was somehow different and even though I'd turned down any chance of a personal relationship with him I thought he respected me more than to make me do his dirty work so to speak. And then we had one almighty falling out and I stormed out of his office, resigned on the spot and took myself off again. See what a coward I am Garry? Running away seems to be my knee jerk reaction to anything and everything."

"Maybe" Gary replied "It's just your reaction to Harry? You don't seem like the running kind to me Ruth. I've not known you long but I like very much the person you are and one of things I like about you is the way you stand your corner, the way that you're not scared to have your say. They are just a couple of the many, many reasons I want to get to know you more Ruth. And if I can take a bit of a liberty here I would hazard a guess that the problems not you but Harry and your association with him."

Something strange struck him and he asked "Why did you get in touch with him again Ruth? Or did he come crawling around you looking for someone to look after him in his dotage?"

Wrong thing to say Gary he chastised himself as Ruth's body tensed and her face turned away from him. He was torn between saying something in order to placate or just letting her think about what he'd said and hoping that he'd not gone too far, too soon.

"You don't understand" she said"Because I don't understand it myself, I've never been able to fully understand what goes on between us and that's part of the problem."

He had to speak then "Do you want to underrated the problem Ruth? Really understand it. It, he seems to have brought you nothing but heartache and doubt over the years and I would hazard a guess that it's taken a toll on you and your peace of mind. Am I right Ruth?"

She turned back to face him and the look on her face nearly broke his heart "Who says

that I have a right to have peace of mind Gary? Who says that I have the right to anything approaching peace of mind?"

"Everyone deserves to feel safe and loved Ruth, everyone deserves to feel safe enough to know what peace of mind is. I think there is a lot you're not telling me about you and Harry and I respect that. You don't really know me but I hope that you'll come to know me better. Come to trust me more and then if you fell the need you'll be able to tell me so much more about your past. But if in the end you decide that you don't want to tell me I can live with that. I just want you to know you'll be safe with me and that I'll always look after you. Put you first and care for you".

"It all sounds so uncomplicated and attractive" she sighed as she momentarily moved closer to him before she drew back again as if she were frightened to touch him in case that touch led her down a path that was forbidden. "But you hardly know me Gary. This is complete madness."

"Be a little mad Ruth. Be a little mad, maybe I'm asking too much. I know that I can be too full on, I need someone to make me calmer; we could, would compliment each other. I'll give you confidence and you'll give me stability. Come to America with me Ruth, let me show you how it could be between us. Please Ruth. Just give me a shot."

And taking his chance he pulled her to him and kissed her. At first he thought, hoped she was going to accept his petition, for that was what it was and kiss him back but after a few moments she placed her hands against his chest and began to push him away from her but he was determined that he would not lose this chance to have her in his arms, to make her understand that he was deadly serious about wanting to offer her his life. So in a moment of what he later realised was complete madness he slipped one hand behind her neck and pulled her to him kissing her with more force than he'd at first intended.

Ruth was now struggling to break away from him as she wrenched her lips from his and for a moment they sat staring at one another their breathing loud in their ears. Before either of them had the chance or the wit to speak an angry voice cut through the deafening silence.

"Get your bloody hands off her now or God help me!"

This is far longer than I intended. It just seemed to run away with me! I hope that it meets with more reaction than the last chapter as reviews, good or bad are always most welcome.