When Sasuke awoke in the morning, it was to find himself in an empty bed. He set his hand on the sheets, but they were cold, so Naruto must've been gone for a while. He closed his eyes, thinking about last night. Why did everything feel so less dramatic in the light of day? He hadn't even drank that much last night - Naruto did, however - but when he thought about sleeping with that DJ, he wished he could take it back.
It had been immature and selfish. He could rationalize it as teenage hormones, but he'd never held himself to the same standards as his peers. The fact was, he'd wanted to get back at Naruto in some way, and, for that, he felt ashamed and guilty. The plan ended up working, and if he'd really wanted to, he could've had sex with the one man he'd been pining over for the last six months. He was thankful he'd had enough sense not to try. That's not how he wanted it to happen if it was ever to happen.
If he was feeling this way, he wondered if Naruto had also woken with regrets.
He got up and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at some of the taped photos on Naruto's wall. Kushina Uzumaki was looking back at him.
"He's an adult," Sasuke told her, "All he had to do was say no."
Although, Sasuke was supposed to be the one looking out for him because Naruto didn't always look out for himself. Sasuke had taken advantage of that trust, which was making him feel fucking miserable. He should grovel, but his pride might get in the way of that.
Still. Naruto had admitted being jealous, hadn't he? That didn't mean he was in love with Sasuke. In fact, it may just be him marking his territory. Naruto was the type to get caught up in the moment, and Sasuke had used that to his advantage. He'd been manipulative. Not to say they never played games like these on occasion. When they fought, it was exciting, for the both of them. Naruto wasn't innocent by any means, but sleeping with someone while Naruto was in the same house... it was... well, frankly, it was tacky. It was beneath him, and his instinct was to apologize. But before he did that, he'd have to gauge what Naruto's mood was like first.
Naruto had been up for an hour already. The sky was overcast as he sat at the small table on the balcony. He had his foot up on the chair and his leg pulled to his chest. There was a mug of coffee in front of him that had gone cold 45 minutes ago. He'd been thinking. About life and the kind of decisions he kept making. He was trying to wrap his head around what happened last night, his thoughts, Sasuke's actions, and their relationship in general. He could admit that their friendship wasn't ordinary. They weren't friends with benefits. This was something different and more complicated. Besides his dad and Gaara, Sasuke was the closest person to him. If it wouldn't have sounded incestuous, he would've said that Sasuke was like a brother to him.
He knew they needed to have a conversation, but he was wondering if he was ready for it. This summer, when he'd decided to try dating, it wasn't because he was especially enamored with the girls. It was more... who knows. To see if he could? Because he liked relationships? But, mostly, he knew that if he didn't take that first step, Sasuke might be just fine remaining celibate until graduation. That wouldn't be fair to either of them. Not that Naruto was going to assume exactly how Sasuke felt about him. There were times he did think Sasuke might be in love with him, but if that were true, then Sasuke wouldn't make sex seem like it was no big deal. It didn't make sense in his head, because Naruto thought that if he was in love with someone and in Sasuke's situation, then he'd do everything he could do be with that person. It was only speculative. Naruto was more of the belief that Sasuke might just be attached to him because Naruto knew his secret, because they'd already started a physical relationship, and because, well, they were friends, after all. They had a bond.
If he didn't know for sure what was going on in Sasuke's head - besides being a manipulative little bitch - then what did he feel about Sasuke?
That was a difficult question, too. Sasuke was a friend. He loved Sasuke. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him. The physical stuff could sometimes feel like more than that, but Naruto already understood that sex wasn't a mechanical act for him. He liked sex, but he couldn't be detached while doing it. He didn't think he could do what Sasuke had done. He especially didn't think he could do it to Sasuke, which is why he'd gone out of his way to talk to Sasuke about starting to date girls. Not that he gave Sasuke a choice in the matter, but he did say, I am going to ask this girl out, and while we're together, we can't do what we've been doing, okay?.
Sasuke had said he understood. He got that it might be difficult because they'd become used to sharing a bed, spending the night, and fooling around - although they never did anything at school. While they were there, people just thought they were good friends.
How could he explain how jealous and angry he got last night, though?
It had to be the shock. He was hurt Sasuke would do that right under his nose, and either Sasuke had been indifferent about it or he'd intentionally wanted to hurt Naruto. If it was the latter, could Naruto really blame him? Yeah, it made Sasuke a total asshole, but it wouldn't have directly hurt Naruto for him to have sex with someone else given the opportunity. He did wonder who it could've been, but it was probably best Sasuke didn't tell him. It worried him that Sasuke'd said the man resembled Yahiko. Naruto thought Sasuke still had feelings for his brother's friend, which was one more reason to dismiss the notion that Sasuke wanted anything more than attention last night. Maybe he'd wanted it from Naruto and because Naruto had been all over the place last night, he'd found the attention he needed from someone else.
That sounded like Sasuke, but Naruto couldn't get himself to be mad. Disappointed, maybe, but not mad. He wanted Sasuke to have sex and maybe find someone who'd be worthy enough that Sasuke would finally come out to his parents. No, he didn't think Fugaku would take it well, but he was pretty damn sure Mikoto had a good idea that her youngest son was gay. Everyone would stand behind him, and, the worst that could happen - well, if he got kicked out of the house, he could stay here. However, he was optimistic that wouldn't happen. He didn't expect Sasuke to come out at school or anything, but to just -
He wanted Sasuke to be able to grow and become the person Naruto knew he could be. Sasuke was the smartest in their class and always had top scores, he was incredibly talented when it came to music, and everyone liked him. Or, if they didn't like him it was because they were jealous. He could at least say Sasuke was respected. Even the guys on his varsity baseball team knew about Sasuke and what a genius he was. If there were events held at school, Sasuke was always behind them, organizing them so they went off without a hitch. Naruto felt proud when they walked side by side down the hallway. Maybe Sasuke wasn't aware of it, but people were always watching him and wanting his approval. He knew this, because Naruto felt the same. Sasuke had all of this potential, but he was also one of the most insecure people he'd ever met. It frustrated him at times, and sometimes he wished he could hit the fastforward button just to see what Sasuke would be like in the future. He didn't even need to go that far. He could already see it. Sasuke would be more successful than all of them. Maybe he'd become a famous musician or a producer, but it would be something really great. Naruto, on the other hand, had no idea what he wanted to do. He went with the flow. He expected to get a scholarship to play baseball, but his grades were average, and they were only that high because Sasuke would help him from time to time.
He did want Sasuke to be happy. He wanted him to come out and find a guy that made him happy and who appreciated him, but wasn't one of Itachi's friends. That group - Naruto did not approve! He wanted Sasuke to date a brain surgeon or rocket scientist.
He watched as a plane flew overhead, but turned when the door to the balcony opened.
The corner of Sasuke's mouth lifted briefly in greeting. It was a crisp fall morning, so he wore a pair of sweatpants and one of Naruto's favorite hoodies. His hair was a mess, and Naruto could see the very top of that hickey on his neck. It still irritated him to see it, and for more than a few seconds, he had an unfortunate flash of the moment when he'd been, ahem, riding Sasuke's fingers - and that was something he wasn't going to dwell on right this moment.
"Good morning," he said to Naruto. "I was wondering where you were."
"Not many places I could be."
Sasuke took a seat, but didn't say anything. Naruto continued gazing up at the sky.
"Did you sleep well?" He asked Sasuke.
"I think so. How's your head?"
"I took some Ibuprofen. I'm good, though. I rarely have hangovers."
"I know. You're always quick to recover."
Naruto glanced over at him. "Do you want breakfast?"
"Do you?"
"I'll make somethin' for us, yeah. I just wanted to get some fresh air."
"Ah."
It sort of irritated him that he could tell Sasuke had something on his mind, but he wouldn't say it. Naruto always had to drag it out of him, and he had his own things to think about, too.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked, curling two of his fingers around the mug handle.
"Talk about it?"
He sighed. "About last night. It was... weird. I don't know if I can entirely blame the alcohol, so. I dunno. Thought you might wanna talk about it."
"...Which part of last night is it that you think we need to discuss?"
He shrugged. "Dunno. You sleeping with some stranger. I'm all for you gettin' some action, but I don't think one-night stands are the solution. Do you?"
"I wasn't really thinking it through, Naruto. It was spontaneous. I certainly didn't plan for it to happen."
"Okay. And... despite the fact that I," he thought about the words he wanted to use here, "Wasn't exactly thrilled, I... you know. You should do what you want. I guess. I was surprised is all."
"I shouldn't have done that," Sasuke said, "I mean... knowing you were downstairs. I - "
Naruto waited patiently for him to finish.
"I'm sorry."
He raised an eyebrow. "What are you sorry for?"
"I feel like," Sasuke shifted on the chair, looking uncomfortable, "I might've done it to make you jealous. That wasn't the only reason, of course. I did, at the time, also want to - "
"You can say it," he said, realizing Sasuke was trying to be delicate with him, which was kind of annoying. Naruto could talk about this like an adult. He wasn't going to go all barbaric and drag Sasuke by the hair into his bedroom. Even though he could kind of admit he had done that last night. That was different. Naruto had a temper and an impulse control problem, so it wasn't his fault.
"It was just sex."
Naruto nodded. "I get it. You don't need to explain. Can't take it back now anyway. More than that, I feel like... we should talk about the stuff that happened after."
Sasuke started biting his lip as he looked out across the view. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"Don't get mad, but I think we should consider takin' a break from, you know, the physical stuff."
Sasuke turned to him, his eyes narrowed slightly. "You didn't enjoy last night? Because it seemed like you got off just fine."
"Sasuke," he said. "That's never been the problem. I want you to date guys. I do. But you won't because you're not ready to come out to your dad. Or, maybe you don't have a problem dating someone and sneaking around."
"Maybe I'm already dating someone, and you don't know."
"Who? That guy you screwed? You said it wasn't planned."
"It wasn't."
"Then why are you sayin' things like that. Do you get off on tryin' to make me jealous?"
Sasuke glared at him and didn't immediately respond.
"Well?"
"You like the drama," Sasuke told him. "You were as excited as I was after we fought. Don't play innocent."
"I'm not playin' anything," he replied coldly. "I just wanna have a single honest conversation with you so we don't end up hurting each other. I do not want to hurt you. All things considered, you're my best friend, Sasuke. I have to confess that I'm wondering if I made a mistake that first week we met. I feel like - "
"Don't finish that sentence."
Naruto regarded him carefully. "Fine. We can't undo anything, so I suppose it's stupid to think about 'what if'."
Sasuke was still sending him a stony glare.
"I want to be honest with you," he explained.
"That's great," said Sasuke. "But I'm not you as much as you try to make me be like you."
"Don't be an ass."
"Whatever." Sasuke crossed his arms, and decided to look in every direction but at him.
Naruto let out a long sigh and rubbed at the back of his head. "You're so smart, Sasuke. You tell me what we should do. In your ideal world, what would you like to happen? Do you want to date a guy? Do you just want to have sex? Do you want to come out at some point? Are you even happy with how things are?"
"No."
He was so quick to answer that the surprise must've shown on his face.
"Then what would you do differently?" Naruto asked.
"I would've done last night differently."
"Would you? What part?"
Sasuke merely shook his head.
"I hope you don't mean the part where we could've gone all the way. I'm thankful you have better sense than me. I got caught up in the moment."
"How can you say something like that with such a straight face?" Sasuke asked, his tone cold, and Naruto didn't understand why.
He frowned. "I don't know what you mean."
"I can't be your babysitter forever. I certainly won't be your conscience."
"I never asked for you to babysit me. If anything, I should be the one babysittin' you. I leave you alone for a half hour, and you're picking up strangers. What if he tried to hurt you, or what if he had an STD or something?"
"The first part is ridiculous, and the second - I already told you we were safe."
"Fine. Great. Glad to hear it." He crossed his arms.
"Don't get mad at me and start setting rules when you continue to act like a jealous boyfriend."
"I'm not jealous," Naruto quickly defended, "I'm... concerned."
"Yeah, some honest conversation this is," Sasuke mumbled.
"Are you gonna be an asshole like this all morning?"
"I'm always an asshole," he replied, "Or aren't you aware?"
"I'm beginning to wonder," Naruto muttered, running a hand through his hair.
Sasuke was shaking his head. "You're such a hypocrite."
"How am I a hypocrite?"
"You like having my attention as much as I enjoy having yours. Regardless of our warped friendship, it's true that we both at least care about one another. Last night, you were jealous and you were angry, whether or not you want to admit it to yourself."
"I know I was jealous and angry," he admitted. "But I was mostly angry because I felt like you didn't give a shit about my feelings."
"Then the jealousy?"
"I... don't know. I'm - I have no claim on you." He rubbed his neck. "I guess... well, I should apologize then. There's no reason for me to get jealous. I was surprised and hurt, but you should do whatever you want. A little warning might be nice. I did spend some time lookin' for you. I feel stupid that I was textin' and callin' while you were in the middle of - that."
"Okay. Next time... I'll talk to you first. You told me when you were ready to date those girls, so I should've given you the same courtesy."
"You don't even have to tell me about it," said Naruto. "At least don't show up in my bed and tell me you cheated on me. It's already confusing enough as it is. You're gonna give me the wrong idea, though I guess I know what you meant. I get that was your way of apologizing."
"Naruto - "
Naruto looked at him, but Sasuke didn't finish. He seemed sad suddenly.
"You alright?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke slid his hands into the front pocket of the sweatshirt. "Just realizing the futility of life is all."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. I think I'm ready to eat something. Do you want to stay here or go out?"
"I dunno. I'm kind of in the mood to stay in. Should I make us something?"
"I'll help." He picked up Naruto's mug. "You're wasteful as usual."
Naruto tilted his head. "I only want what's best for you."
"You sound like my father." Sasuke met his gaze, and Naruto could feel the anger behind it, so he decided to drop the subject.
He got to his feet. They were standing close, and Sasuke kept looking at him as if he had a million things going on inside his mind. It was an attractive quality, too. Of course Naruto would want his attention. Having it was addicting and made Naruto feel like he was special somehow when he'd never really felt that way before. He kind of wanted to lean in and kiss him if it would erase that worry line forming between his brows. But he wasn't sure they should be doing things like that anymore. He should be firm, and it shouldn't take dating girls for him to try and push Sasuke in that direction. He should have this resolve on his own because it was in both of their best interests whether Sasuke wanted to hear it or not. Sasuke was gay, and Naruto was not.
For him, what they did together was - he didn't know exactly, but he wasn't in love with Sasuke. He didn't think Sasuke was in love with him, but maybe there was an infatuation because Naruto was an easy go to when it came to getting some action. He wouldn't say that's all there was to it. There was love and affection there, even intimacy, and Sasuke was a good person under all of that arrogance and indifference. So, he could understand why Sasuke was fond of coming back to him when he got horny. Naruto felt the same way at times, but now things were beginning to blur, which meant they needed to rethink how this was going to work between them from now on. At first it had been fun and exciting, and Naruto had encouraged it. Now it felt reckless, like they were playing with fire. He didn't want Sasuke to be hurt. He didn't want to distract him from what he could be.
"What's that look?" Sasuke asked. "You had that same look last night."
"I'm only thinking that... I want to shake you."
"Pardon?"
"Do you have any idea of your potential?"
Sasuke studied him. "Who are you? My guidance counselor?"
"No, I'm your friend, buttdart."
"'Buttdart'? That's a new one. No wonder you're averaging a 75 in English."
"Oh, shut up." He shoved him. "We can't all be geniuses."
Sasuke reached for a piece of his hair, but Naruto took hold of his wrist and made him let go. His heart hurt when he saw a brief look of confusion cross Sasuke's face, but they needed to cool things off for a while.
"I - it's not that things have changed," said Naruto. "But let's, you know, try for a normal friendship. For a while at least. I know we might slip up, but I really want you to be happy, Sasuke. I wish you could find someone you wanna date now. I don't want you to wake up one day five years from now and have any regrets."
"I already know what my regret will be when that day comes," said Sasuke, "But I've already accepted it."
He left Naruto's side and went to open the door.
Naruto wanted to ask him what he meant, but his stomach growled loudly, interrupting them.
"Come on," said Sasuke. "I'll make you some pancakes."
"I kinda want waffles."
"Fine, whatever you want. Just come inside before you catch a cold."
He went inside first, and left the door open for Naruto.
Naruto had this strange feeling in his chest. He touched it, holding his hand over his heart. He knew what he needed to do in order to make this right. There was no reason for things to change, well, except the whole fooling around with each other in secret thing. He wasn't stupid. That might still happen because they were dumb teenagers and being with Sasuke felt good and was fun. But, he was even more sure than ever before, that there would come a day where he may have to make a choice to put distance between them.
Sasuke might end up hating him for it, too. Could he bear Sasuke's hate like that? He hoped it wouldn't come to it, but if it did, he would sacrifice their friendship if it meant Sasuke could find happiness and do his own thing. Of course, that was only if Sasuke took it that far. It's not like it would be easy on Naruto either, and he wanted for them to always stay friends. He wanted Sasuke in his life. If he could stick Sasuke in his pocket and take him with to college, he'd consider it, but then they'd always end up in this same place. It was the only way, and if he started pulling away now, then maybe it wouldn't be so bad when that decision needed to be made? It wouldn't be fair to keep fucking around and one day Naruto was just like "see ya".
He sighed. Why did shit always have to be so complicated? If he was gay, then things would be different. He'd probably even be in love with Sasuke by now because who wouldn't be?
Life wasn't that simple, and Sasuke, if he really wanted Naruto that way, he was the type to go through hell and back. So, it was pretty clear he didn't want Naruto that way but wanted a fuck buddy. Naruto - that's not what he wanted. He'd started to realize he wanted more than that some day. He wanted a relationship with someone he loved and who loved him in return, just as he was.
"Are you coming?" Sasuke came back to the door right as it began to sprinkle. "I'll let you pour the mix in the waffle iron while I fry the eggs."
Naruto's eyes started to sting for some reason. He let his head fall, and, although he was smiling, he felt so sad.
"Naruto?"
"I'm comin'." He walked to the door; Sasuke was in his way. "Do I need a password? Is this like a 'speak 'friend' and enter' deal?"
Sasuke opened the door wider. Naruto thought he was probably restraining himself from touching him. He kind of wanted that comfort, but it wouldn't be fair.
"Alright," he said. "I'll man the waffles since I like them a certain color of brown."
"As long as you don't open it every five seconds and let the heat out." He stood aside as Naruto entered the apartment, and then he closed the door.
"Hey, don't tell me how to live my life, Sasuke Uchiha."
"Why, you do it to me all of the time, Naruto Uzumaki."
Naruto followed him to the kitchen, wanting to push him around but keeping his hands to himself as he dutifully stood sentry by the waffle iron. He watched Sasuke's back as he stood in front of the stove, cooking their eggs to order.
These moments of domesticity were the ones that killed him the most.
"Hey, Sasuke?"
"What is it, idiot?" Sasuke didn't even turn around.
"Nothing."
"Lame."
"Do you have any gigs comin' up?" Naruto asked as he opened the waffle iron for the second time since he'd put the batter in.
"No one says gigs."
"I'm in the mood to see you play. Tell me the next time you have a show, alright?"
"Sure. If you really want."
"I want."
"I wonder if your dad will be home soon."
He shrugged. "Who knows? It's nice. Feels like I have my own place. Itachi's comin' home for Thanksgiving, right?"
"That's the plan," Sasuke answered. "Although you already knew that since you two are such good friends."
"He loves you, too, Sasuke. No need to be jealous. I wonder if that means I'll see Deidara and all them?"
"Probably."
Sasuke turned around. "Also, since we're trying to be more transparent with one another, I should warn you."
"Warn me?" He asked, opening the waffle iron again. "About what?"
"Yahiko may be coming to stay with us that weekend."
Naruto accidentally dropped the lid on his finger. "What?"
"I'm only saying so you don't feel like I purposely didn't tell you. Not that it matters." Sasuke went back to what he was doing.
"It's none of my business," he said stiffly, sticking his nose in the air. "Although, if he lays a hand on you while I'm around, I'm gonna break his kneecap."
"Don't be stupid."
Naruto hummed unhappily. "Okay, well. I'm sure Itachi will be there to guard what's left of your purity."
"I doubt there's any left to guard."
Despite himself, he chuckled. "Aaah. Hurry up with my breakfast, wench."
"Yes, master. I'll get right on that," Sasuke replied dryly.
"Tch. You'd probably like that kinda freaky stuff."
"Probably."
"Sasuke!"
"What, Naruto?"
Naruto glared at his back. "...Don't break my yolks."
"I won't. I learned how to do this from my brother. He's very good at frying eggs."
"Itachi is? Makes sense. Guy's good at everything."
Sasuke didn't answer, and when he finished frying their eggs, he set them on plates. By then, Naruto had a couple of decent waffles to offer them, and, together, they sat at the island on the stools and ate their breakfast. They talked, and they joked. It felt like usual except in the back of his mind, Naruto kept wondering just how long this all could last without it falling apart.