Free! doesn't belong to me. Neither does High Speed!
Prompt: "it's been a long time since i saw your smile"
(look, I give up. I have no self-control)
The clattering beneath their feet as they approach Rin's flat only worsens Haruka's headache. His hand tightens around the grab bar, but his elbow still bumps into Rin's back when the train stops. Haruka lets his forehead lean on Rin's shoulder for a second longer than what is strictly necessary, effectively attracting his friend's attention.
"Are you alright?" Rin asks. Haruka pulls back with a wince and forces his gaze to fix on the window, lips pursed together. "Hey."
Haruka tries to summon whatever is left of his patience, even though nothing can rationally justify his irritation. After breathing deeply several times his tense fingers' grip weakens the tiniest bit around the bar, slippery and disgustingly warm. His jaw doesn't relax, though.
"I'm just tired."
Rin turns around so he's facing him. Haruka watches him out of the corner of his eye.
"But it was good, right?"
Haruka shrugs noncommittally; it's the sincerest answer he can give regarding that matter, he realises just after his posture slouches again. Dozens of questions, many of which he hasn't been able to answer, still float in his mind, clapping and screaming and overwhelming his thought processes; the words severe depression keep repeating themselves in his head, trying to hammer their way into Haruka's still astonished brain.
Has he really let himself fall that low?
Fortunately Rin doesn't seem particularly talkative, either; he doesn't press Haruka for a more specific answer, waits for the train to arrive to their stop in silence and only grabs Haruka's wrist to indicate him to walk out.
His flat isn't far from where they get off the train; it's almost as small as Haruka's first home when he moved to Tokyo, but it at least has more than one room. Haruka sits by the kotatsu while Rin makes dinner, finding it harder to stay awake with every blink. He leans his cheek on the table, cradled by the noises coming from the kitchen, by Rin's steps and light humming. Maybe it has something with the nervousness he's been harbouring ever since he made an appointment with that therapist, with having finally met her and learnt what that was about, but he's more tired than usual. Maybe tonight he won't have to spend hours staring at the ceiling.
Haruka winces when Rin sets the plates on the table, immediately straightening himself up. In return Rin almost spills a glass of water.
"I've watched some scary movies where someone does that, you know," he complains, half laughing at his own reaction.
"Don't watch those, then." Haruka looks at the dishes. He can't help but raise his eyebrows in surprise. "Fish?"
"You having terrible dietary habits doesn't mean I have too," Rin replies. "I like meat, but I acknowledge some fish is necessary too."
On one hand, Haruka wants to remind Rin that he has been having fish for dinner for the last two days. On the other, accepting his kindness dressed up as teasing is easier than arguing right now. Haruka is far too exhausted to start a silly argument anyway, even though a part of him wants to push his plate away because he doesn't need any special treatment.
So they eat in silence.
Rin doesn't let Haruka help him after dinner, so Haruka makes himself useful by looking for two futons and laying them out. He gets a worn t-shirt and black tracksuit bottoms so he has something more comfortable to wear for the night and curls up in his futon as Rin gets changed and turns the lights off.
"Goodnight," he mumbles when he finally crashes on his own futon.
Haruka watches Rin's silhouette in the dark room, frowning when he starts snoring. It's impossible he's already asleep; Haruka feels the childish need to poke his friend to make sure he's not pretending only to make him jealous. But minutes pass and Rin's snores don't dissolve into an amused laugh, nor does he open his eyes and tease Haruka. He's sleeping, just like that, and Haruka feels a pang of jealousy because he really needs to sleep but his eyes are unable to stay closed.
He huffs, hiding his nose behind the collar of Rin's t-shirt. It's way too big for him, but it smells like Rin and the knot in Haruka's stomach untightens the tiniest bit upon realising that Rin is, in fact, right next to him. Now more than ever, he has every reason to walk away; yet he's missed practice just to accompany Haruka to his appointment and waited outside for the whole hour it lasted.
(Part of Haruka still wonders why he didn't ask Makoto instead. Maybe it's because Makoto would have easily let him chicken out where Rin has reminded him why they were doing that. Maybe it's because Haruka has already bothered his best friend too much.)
Rin lifts his hand to scratch his cheek, dropping it on his chest afterwards.
Haruka closes his eyes, but sees the same gesture even behind his eyelids, except it happened three years ago. Except he and Rin were on the same bed. That night was awful in too many ways; the least one, the awkward sex. Haruka knows he was happy then, knows he was drunk in euphoria until the morning slapped Rin with a million fears, but the memory is dulled when he replays it. Maybe that's what Sasaki-san tried to explain to him before.
Haruka doesn't want to keep thinking about that. He looks at Rin again, wonders whether he has been with someone else since then, even though the most likely answer hurts, even though it doesn't really matter now because it's him the one Rin is staying with now.
His heart aches because he can't convince himself it's enough, despite it being more than he deserves.
.
The bottle of pills has been staring at Haruka for almost an hour, but he still doesn't trust that thing.
He opens the bottle, lets one fall on his palm and narrows his eyes at him, almost as if it were to jump and eat his nose. The more he thinks about it, the sillier the idea of a pill being able to change his mood seems. Even though he's been warned they are only a little help and won't make the world bright again on their own.
Haruka almost knocks over the whole bottle when the bell rings. Not wanting to give Rin time to ring it again, Haruka closes the bottle and leaves it on the countertop, walks quickly to the door.
"Guess who just broke the 200m fly record," is, with a wide smile, Rin's greeting. Haruka closes the door after letting him inside.
"Satomi?"
Haruka turns around before Rin can roll his eyes.
"Fuck off, Haru." He passes Haruka and reaches the kitchen first. "Tell me you already made dinner; I don't care if it's mackerel. I'm starving."
"I didn't." Haruka notices then he still has the pill in his hand; he sets it on the countertop, far from the hob, while Rin picks food from the fridge. Dinner is quickly ready when the two of them work together; soon they're sitting at the table. "So 200m."
Rin smiles again, but it's not half as bright as when he arrived. Haruka frowns.
"It's nothing," Rin quickly mutters, mouth full of rice and mushrooms. But he speaks when he swallows: "Have you ever thought about dying?"
Haruka looks up at him. "You mean when I'm old?" Rin opens his mouth, hesitates; and Haruka suddenly understands: "I don't plan to kill myself, if that's what you want to know."
Rin sets his chopsticks down.
"It's not… Well– It's just that Sasaki-san said…"
"Is that what she did yesterday?" She requested talking to Rin alone, but Haruka didn't feel the tiniest bit curious then. "Scaring you?"
Rin shakes his head.
"Not scaring. She just said your situation is delicate and it's good you have people watching over you."
Haruka purses his lips together, the last threads of his good mood vanishing.
"Well, she's wrong. I'm–" crazy, not getting better, too broken to be fixed– "fine."
"You're not," Rin replies. "Look, I'm no expert, but–"
"Then shut up."
"…sometimes the way you act reminds me of myself in Australia."
Haruka tastes the venom in his tongue, in the words already forming in his throat. He does nothing to stop them.
"Because I'm throwing a tantrum because I lost a race, right?"
It's low enough for Rin to not open his mouth again, but Haruka knows, through his anger and his wounded pride, that he doesn't feel satisfied in the very least.
He stands up, carries his plate towards the kitchen. He doesn't need Rin's worry. He doesn't need Rin's anything; he lived without Rin for almost three years, what gives him the right to think he's important? Or to give advice, or… Or…
Haruka's gaze fixes on the lonely pill. He sets the plates into the sink, grabs it and, not knowing where else he can hide from Rin –Rin, who is just looking at him, still too shocked to speak– he rushes to the bathroom, uses the washbasin water to swallow the pill before automatically starting filling up the bathtub. He doesn't even want it to make him feel better; he only hopes it'll help his hands stop shaking.
It doesn't. It's Rin, after what seems an eternity, who finds Haruka shivering in the cold water and gets him out, and dries him off and helps him put his pyjamas on and holds him until Haruka falls asleep, a mess of incoherent excuses and useless apologies.
Rin is already awake when Haruka stirs in his arms at dawn. He assures everything is fine, that they are fine.
Haruka looks down, where Rin's arm sneaks around his waist.
"But I'm not fine."
He closes his eyes when Rin threads his fingers through black, still wet hair.
"You will be."
.
Haruka talks about Rin more than Sasaki-san asks him to. He talks about all of his friends, when prompted, but it's inevitable Rin is the protagonist of most stories. With everyone else Haruka finds biting his tongue way easier. Rin, though… He's always had something that stops Haruka from keeping most thoughts to himself.
He gets better at reasoning that he's not getting help because he's pitied. Thinking is hard when Rin is often infuriatingly right, but Haruka learns not to hurt anyone with an anger that is aimed mainly at himself, because it's born from his own helplessness. It usually works.
Nagisa and Gou visit at the end of May. Haruka doesn't think even his parents know about his weekly sessions with Sasaki-san (he doubts they're aware there have been dozens of things wrong with him for years), but somehow Nagisa knows. Gou too, most likely, but she's always been discreet enough for Haruka to feel at ease with her. Nagisa, though– he glances at Haruka every now and then, opens his mouth and closes it frequently.
Haruka can live without knowing what Nagisa thinks of him now, but his friend manages to corner Haruka in the hallway when he's heading to the bathroom.
"Haru-chan, can I talk to you?"
Haruka has never been able to say no to Nagisa. His friend probably knows; and he really, really doesn't want to face a new disappointed gaze, but he has no option.
"What do you want?"
Nagisa laces his hands behind his back. "You look a lot better than the last time I saw you," he says. Because well, it's Nagisa and he's always had little to no filter.
"You think so?" Haruka disagrees. He's still a mess and all he does is hurting Rin and making everyone worry.
Nagisa nods.
"I was surprised when Mako-chan said you had started therapy, but..." He trails off when he notices Haruka's frown deepening. So it was Makoto. "Was it supposed to be a secret?"
The question takes Haruka aback. Sasaki-san's needing help is nothing to be ashamed of echoes in his head, less believable than ever. "No, but–"
He's trapped in a hug before he has the chance to finish, Nagisa's light hair tickling his nose.
"Then I didn't do anything wrong," he mutters, voice light with relief. "Hey, Haru-chan." His hold weakens a bit.
"What?"
"I think you're really brave."
Brave isn't exactly the word Haruka would use. The idea of him being whining because he's too weak to handle things by himself is still there, but if everyone says he looks better he can afford believing it just a bit, right? And if Nagisa thinks there's an ounce of courage in him, who is Haruka to contradict him?
"Thank you," he mutters, leaning into the hug and wrapping his own arms around his friend.
.
In June, Rin catches a cold.
He calls Haruka in the morning, tells him between coughs that they'll have to leave the visit to the aquarium for another day. He insists he's alright, but Haruka gets to his flat in barely half an hour. He's not deathly worried, exactly; but after everything Rin has done for him the least Haruka can do is helping a bit.
After dozens of sleepovers, Haruka knows Rin's flat as much as his own; he ignores his friend's complaints as he prepares a bath and looks for clean clothes for Rin after he washes the sweat off him, because it's the first time in weeks his body doesn't feel too heavy after two steps.
"I've got to be the most incompetent friend ever," Rin grumbles almost an hour later, drinking water in small sips. "I'm supposed to help you, yet here you are."
"I can help too," Haruka replies, annoyed. "Even though since you came back it's been the other way around."
Apparently Rin is too perceptive even when he has a fever.
"Hey, thank you," he mutters. "By the way, how did your last appointment go?"
Haruka shrugs, ignoring the knot in his stomach. "Normal. Sasaki-san said…" But he trails off. "You should blow your nose," he points out instead.
Rin is too offended getting rid of the snot over his upper lip to pay attention to what Haruka has almost said.
"I'm sick, what did you expect?" he snaps. Haruka doesn't fight the smile quirking up the corner of his lips; it isn't usually this easy. The gesture reflects on Rin's expression. "You are doing a lot better now, really."
Haruka shrugs again.
"I guess." He remembers that first night, notices for the first time the unbearable silence is usually quieter now. "Thank you for putting up with me."
"My pleasure."
"Would you swim with me?" Haruka blurts out, because he can't think of any other way to say it.
Rin's eyes widens.
"Uh… Swim?"
"I know you'll win," Haruka adds, looking down, "and it'll be silly… But I still want to. I've been thinking about it for a while and Sasaki-san says it'd be good."
Rin's surprise mellows into a soft smile. "Sure."
.
What Rin didn't say is that Haruka's return to the pool will have to wait until he comes back from that championship abroad. He's too busy practicing for the following weeks, and he looks apologetic when he says goodbye to Haruka and Makoto, the only ones who are there to see him off.
"So… I'll be back in less than two weeks," he says. "Be good while I'm gone," he adds, looking exclusively at Haruka.
"I'm not a dog. It'll be more peaceful anyway."
Rin sticks his tongue out, but soon he's hugging Haruka.
Haruka doesn't want to let Rin go. He clings to him for as long as he can, unable to think about boundaries and the line between what friends are supposed to do and what means something else. That line has always been blurry for the two of them anyway, and Rin doesn't help when he lands a kiss on Haruka's forehead before stepping back.
"See you."
Haruka ignores the dull ache in his chest as he watches Rin walk away. He knows he'll come back, and he made his friend promise he'd let Haruka know when his plane landed.
"It's been a long time since I saw your smile."
Haruka looks at Makoto. His friend is smiling, too, and Haruka realises he can't remember when his friend looked this calm for the last time.
"I'm sorry for making all of you worry," he mutters. "But I'll get there."
He can't feel guilty when Makoto's hand, warm and firm and reassuring, lands on his shoulder.
"And we'll be waiting until you do, no matter how long it takes you."
Haruka can only nod. He'll be fine.
I know looking aside is easier, but please tell me what you think about it, the parts you like more (or not)... those things. It's free and makes an author's day.