Chapter 9

Vader was concerned he'd never see his son again, but Luke came home that very night. He apologized with a real honest 'I'm sorry', but Luke ignored him. The teen, who looked like he'd been crying for hours, simply ignored his father, replicated some dinner, and locked himself in his room with R2 and 3PO for company. Figuring Luke simply needed time Vader retreated to his own room for some meditation, and actually found himself falling asleep.

In his sleep Vader was plagued by nightmares. At first he just relived the events of the day, watching as time and time again he choked his own son. The dream progressed though. Vader saw himself choking Padmé, killing Padmé with the same choke he'd done to Luke. And then there was his mother, dying of her wounds, just glad to see her son but totally unaware of what a monster he truly was.

When Vader awoke the few organic pieces of him were sweating. He reached out through the Force to reassure himself that Luke was, in fact, still in his room. For a fleeting moment he couldn't feel Luke, but then he caught the presence of his sleeping son. Luke appeared to be having nightmares as well, and Vader could only imagine of what, but at least he was still alive. That was more than Padmé had been after what Vader had done to her…

Vader did not go back to sleep that night, and so he sat at the kitchen table doing paperwork when Luke wandered out to get breakfast. It appeared their relationship was already healing as Luke even managed to speak to his father this time. "I'm going over Rickon's house."

Sure, Luke was giving orders and not asking permission, but at least he was speaking to his father. That was improvement. "Very well. The Emperor has told me that I am not allowed to get out of the Empire Day celebrations again, so I shall be here catching up on paperwork and reports."

Apparently Vader was vastly overestimating the state of their relationship, because the next words out of Luke's mouth cut deep, "I wish you weren't here. Maybe then mom would be."

Vader had never forgiven himself for what he did with Padmé. He knew he had killed her, even if she must have lived long enough to give birth to Luke. His actions had undoubtedly caused her death. She'd been dead from the moment she walked into Watto's shop. He'd told her he was a person, but he'd been wrong. He was no person; he was just a demon set forth to destroy the angels of the galaxy. Angels like Padmé, and Luke

What would she say if she knew how terribly he'd messed up this time? Surely she would hate him as Luke obviously did. It was the only reasonable response. And yet Padmé had been so forgiving, so kind. She probably wouldn't hate him for what he'd done, and that only made it worse.

Luke knew his words to his father were unfair, but he couldn't help himself. His father, his father, had choked him. He hated Luke that much, saw Luke as that much of a nuisance, that he'd wanted him dead, even if it was only half a second. Rickon had warned Luke not to do the play and then he'd done it, Sith's hells he enjoyed it, and look how that ended. Luke felt like an utter failure. He was supposed to be making his father better, but instead he'd pushed his father to the point of murder. He was a terrible son.

When he left the apartment Luke had planned on going to Rickon's, but his feet instead carried him to the Jedi Temple. A part of him screamed that it was a bad idea, that if Vader found out he'd just be even more angry, but Luke walked in anyways. Maybe there was something in there, some clue as to how to be a better son.

Lightsaber wounds cauterized immediately. There had been no blood fifteen years ago when the Jedi were massacred, and there was none fifteen years later. Fifteen years ago tomorrow. Fifteen years ago today the Jedi were just going about their lives as normal, probably even celebrating because it seemed the war was over. They had no idea they only had a day left to live.

It was a sobering thought, and made Luke want to run back to his apartment and forgive his father. But it was just so hard. How do you forgive someone who wanted you dead? How do you forgive yourself when you drive someone to that point?

"Do you ever wish we'd made it away that day? Or that I'd caught up to you before your father did?"

Luke wasn't surprised by ghost Obi-Wan's appearance, and for once he wasn't bothered all that much. It was nice to be there with someone else who understood what it meant to be attacked by someone you loved. "No. Not really. The only thing I ever wanted was a father. I just never expected it would be this difficult."

"Your father was always difficult," Obi-Wan laughed, his eyes alight with the ghosts of the past. "When he was a young boy he hated to be stuck inside training. I'd often have to search the whole city just to find him helping to serve food in a soup kitchen. All padawan training had a component of service, and I'd say he thrived in that as much as he did in the physical aspects. Anakin always had a good heart. I only wonder what happened…"

Luke knew. Luke had always known. "He had too good a heart. He tried to save my mother, save me, save the galaxy, but Palpatine lied to him. He didn't realize what he'd done until it was too late and now he just tries to bring order to the galaxy however he can."

"Through violence? You do not create light by turning off a lamp," Obi-Wan saw Luke's face grow annoyed, and knew he had to change the subject. Luke was still too young. Even now when he was angry at his father he still loved him too much to see he could be wrong. "It does not matter. What matters is how you decide to respond to him. Will you let your fear and hate fester? Let it turn you to the Dark Side? You have to spend the whole day tomorrow with the Emperor, do you think you should go into that weak? If you do he will turn you and you will destroy your father. As angry as you are now do you want to kill your father?"

Luke looked horrified, with a special brand of indignation he inherited from his mother, not his father. "Of course not!"

"Then you must forgive. If you are truly a Jedi you will always choose the path of forgiveness, remember that."

Obi-Wan disappeared, and left Luke with his thoughts. The teen knew he had to forgive his father, he'd even planned on it, but that didn't make doing so any easier. Especially not when he still blamed his loose tongue for provoking his father…

The Jedi Temple was huge, and Luke still hadn't explored it all. As he wandered through the Temple he found a wing of what appeared to be bedrooms. It was creepy considering many of the rooms had clothes lying on the floor, and one even had food rotting inside. The Jedi had really had no idea they were all about to die… And yet they were dying for being willing to fight against the peace and security of the Empire. It was so confusing.

Somehow Luke knew it when he reached what had been his father's room. There was just something about it that screamed Skywalker, and he couldn't help but wander inside.

The bed was perfectly made, probably because it was never slept in. Luke's father would have gone to his mother's apartment whenever on Coruscant. This room was just for show.

But even then it looked surprisingly like Luke's room. Droid parts sat on a table half finished. Robes, all in shades unbefitting of a Jedi were stuffed into dressers. There was nothing obviously personal, and none of it was really his. Jedi were supposed to have no possessions.

But they also were supposed to have no attachments, and Anakin had failed terribly there. That was why Luke wasn't surprised when he found stuffed beneath his father's mattress a series of letters.

It was amazing for Luke, to be able to see his parents' love for the first time. The letters were all from his mother, all to her 'dearest Ani'. She'd been lonely, very lonely during the war. She wanted her husband home. She wanted to do things that Luke didn't want to think of his parents doing. Yet, in this beautiful handwriting Luke saw pure unadulterated love, and Luke wished for the millionth time that he'd known his mother. Not at the expense of his father, not like he'd said, but he wished he had them both.

Luke was about to set the letters away, afraid of destroying them if he tried to take them, when he noticed a letter in different handwriting. Where his mother's was large and loopy, this was much more of a messy scrawl, and Luke realized it was his father before the suit.

My daughter (or son, Padmé thinks you're a boy but I disagree),

You lie in your mother next to me, and I wish none of us ever had to move. Why can't the galaxy just stay this still forever? Tomorrow I have to report to the council about Dooku. I will admit to you what I cannot tell them- he was weaponless when I killed him. The Chancellor urged me to take his life, to avenge all those who have died in this war, and I did. There is a darkness in me that I know you won't inherit. You will be good, just like your mother. You'll be like her in all things I'm sure. If the only thing you get from me is a love for flying I could not be happier.

I am sorry that you have to be born into this life. A life where no one can know who your father is or what he does. I'd give up my place in the Order to be with you and your mother, but then she'd lose her seat on the Senate, and I cannot do that to her or the galaxy.

But this means I'll probably be sent away a lot. It pains me to know that you might grow up without me being there to see it, but I promise you that even if I'm not there to say it I'm proud of you and I love you. And every night I will write you a letter like I write your mom and when I can't be there in person you can at least have my words.

When your mother told me she was pregnant it was the happiest moment of my life so far, but I know with you I'll have even happier moments. I'm sure there will be times when I want to strangle you, as I know Obi-Wan did me, but I will always love and protect you. I never had a real father, but you will, even if I die tomorrow and all you ever have of me is this letter.

I love you my angel,

Dad

Tears pressed hard against Luke's cheeks, and he tried to wipe them away. For the first time it crossed his mind that the father he had raising him was not the father he would have had. Palpatine took that father from him, and Luke couldn't forgive that.

But he could forgive his father because this father was in his father somewhere. His father truly loved him and was proud of him. His father might react more harshly than this father would have, but it was the same love. Luke knew it.

Carefully he folded up his mother's letters and slid them back into their place, but he kept his father's letter close to his chest. This letter belonged to him. All those unwritten letters belonged to him. He hadn't gotten this father, but he'd gotten his father, and nothing could change that.

Luke lingered outside the doorway for a minute upon returning home, but finally he pushed the door open. His father was sitting there crouched over some reports, and Luke realized the two handwritings weren't even that different, not significantly. He had only one father and that father had promised to always love him. He didn't want to kill Luke because he loved Luke, it had just been the first reaction of a Sith.

"I'm sorry for wishing you had died," Luke finally admitted causing his father to look up. Luke wondered if his father was crying, or even could cry beneath his mask. Because of Obi-Wan Luke would never know. "I didn't mean it, just like I know you didn't mean to try and kill me."

"I would never kill you Luke. I know that is a fear you've struggled with, but I will always stop. I should have stopped sooner but…"

"It's okay," Luke told him and he actually meant it. "I know that's just the way you are. I don't like it but it's you, and I love you. And I know you love me, even if doing so makes you a bad Sith."

Vader couldn't get the words out, and hated himselg for it, but he nodded. He was glad Luke knew how he felt.

"Do you promise not to get angry again if I tell you something?"

Vader certainly didn't like the sound of that, but he knew he wouldn't try to choke Luke again. He'd never make that mistake again; he swore it to himself. "I will try to control my temper."

"I… I've been going to the Jedi Temple on weekends." Luke cringed, waiting for his father's fury, but found none. "You're not mad?"

Vader shook his head, but walked over to place a hand on his son's shoulder. "I was furious when I found out, but I've known for some time. You couldn't possibly believe the Emperor left that wealth of knowledge unsecured. You've been setting off sensors for months."

"Oh." Luke felt a bit stupid for not having realized that his father would know. He'd just assumed he was being super casual about it and no one would ever know. Of course that wouldn't be the case; this was Imperial City. Some spy had probably followed Luke there a time or two and the teen didn't even notice. "Well I went there today and I actually, well I found your room. There wasn't much in there but there was…"

"The letter." Vader had never considered the possibility of his son stumbling upon the letter during one of his visits, but now he was glad that the Force had arranged it. Now he knew why Luke could forgive his father. "Come here, I want to show you something."

Luke had no idea what to expect as he followed his father deeper into the apartment. They stopped outside the bedroom doors and Luke thought for a second he was actually going to be allowed in his father's room, but then his father surprised him even more. He turned to the left and opened the door to the other bedroom, the one Luke had always believed held some sort of dangerous chemicals used for torturing.

It looked like any other bedroom in the house, except it was much more feminine. Suddenly Luke realized this was the master bedroom, the bedroom his parents had lived in before he was born. Before his mother died.

The closet still held all her ornate gowns, and Luke couldn't help but trail his fingers along the jewels. He'd seen some of these dresses in pictures of his mother, but he never imagined that they still sat gathering dust a room over.

Luke's father had gone over to the bed, and, after touching it in an oddly gentle way, crouched down and pulled out a box from beneath the bed. He held the box for a second, before handing it over to Luke.

Luke lifted the lid and found hundreds of pages filling the box. He didn't even need to pull one out to know what they were. Almost-15 year old boy or not Luke felt tears brimming in his eyes once again. "You actually did it. You actually wrote the letters."

"For a while," he admitted, moving from the room as if it hurt him too much. (It probably did.) "I stopped on your first birthday. They're not very pleasant, I was under the impression I had killed you after all, but they do belong to you and you're welcome to read them. They're all addressed to a girl as well. I should have known a mother's intuition was greater than what I thought the Force was saying."

Luke could hardly believe it. Even after turning to the Dark Side his father had still written him letters for a year. He'd kept his promise for a year before giving into the despair. Luke simply couldn't help himself, he hugged his father.

His father quickly pushed him away, but as Luke ran off to his room to start reading the hundreds of letters, Luke was pretty sure his father had a smile on beneath that dark mask.

AN: Yes, I am aware I am a ball of fluff. It is so cheesy but I love it.