He just wanted to forget.

To not see that gaze hovering over him in the darkness whenever he closed his eyes, to not mistake the brush of the blankets for those hands wandering, touching every patch of skin they could find. To stop waking up from a dream where he hadn't left.

So he swam. And swam until he was exhausted, and then he kept swimming because the moment he was above the surface the droplets of water running down his neck would feel like kisses making their way south.

For months he ignored his body's complaints. Until his shoulder started being a hindrance and the water stopped accepting him; his breath would out in short, pained pants as he struggled to climb out of the pool. His chest felt hollow even before he went to see what was wrong with his shoulder, part of him already knowing that his determination had been but stupidity.

Haruka not only lost a way to block Rin out; he lost what he had been about to not find.

.

"Nanase. Could you stop spacing out? Nanase!"

Haruka winces when old, grumpy Ishida-san raises his voice. The pan with an almost burnt steak materialises before him, the rest of the kitchen following soon afterwards. And his boss, who stands beside him, face red with anger. Haruka tries to remember what the old man has been talking about, but all that comes to his mind is the memory of the day he was forced to quit swimming.

Which is probably why Ishida-san looks so frustrated. He takes a deep breath, as if gathering patience from the air.

"Look, kid, I'm trying not to fire you because I know you're going through a rough time." Haruka has a hard time now, indeed, fighting the natural instinct to look away. One thing is his friends knowing; but he definitely hasn't said a single word about therapy or antidepressants in the restaurant. Is it really that obvious? "But you could at least listen to me."

"Sorry," Haruka apologises, looking down. Even though a part of him is convinced Ishida-san was just talking about his newborn granddaughter for the sixth time today.

"I was telling you the client you're making that for changed his mind about what he wants," Ishida-san points to the pan, "but it's too late anyway." Haruka places the pan away from the hob, not wanting to burn the meat even more. "Throw it away, or you can take it if you want to."

Haruka is about to say he can still fix the steak and feed it to Rin, but he remembers Rin is abroad just before opening his mouth.

One hour and a half and two difficult clients later, Haruka helps cleaning and closing the restaurant. He only wants to take a nap and maybe text Rin if it's a decent hour in the time zone his friend is in, but he hasn't taken two steps towards his flat when he spots Makoto at the other side of the street.

"Hey!" Haruka only lets Makoto hug him without complaining because they haven't seen each other since last week. "How are you?"

Haruka shrugs as they start working, not knowing how to give a more accurate answer. "What do you want?"

"I've been thinking about going this weekend to Iwatobi," Makoto explains. "I thought you'd want to come."

It's been a couple of years since Makoto got his driving license; he's been quite obsessed with carrying people everywhere since he found out it's a way to help them. Haruka would enjoy it a bit more if he didn't fear for his life when his friend as much as starts the car; even though it's not like Makoto drives recklessly, he is constantly speeding up and slowing down, making the trip entertaining to say the least.

But Haruka hasn't been in his hometown since last Christmas.

"Alright."

"You can tell Rin to come too, when he's back."

Something in Makoto's tone when he brings Rin up almost makes Haruka stop in his tracks, narrowing his eyes.

"What does Rin have to do with that?"

Makoto raises his hands. "I'm just saying, these days you two spend a lot of time together."

Haruka supposes he should think about a reply that erases the teasing glint from Makoto's gaze, but he can't help looking away.

While he cherishes every minute Rin spends with him, from hearing him try to kill his doorbell to seeing him fall asleep and waking up covered in a blanket that wasn't there before, he can't bring himself to not wonder why Rin doesn't get tired and leave even when all Haruka wants to do is burying his face into his pillow and sleep and live in a world where he didn't have to give his dream up and his brain never stopped working like it should.

"I'm sure he's with you because that's what he wants."

Haruka looks up, surprised. Not by the fact that Makoto knows, but because it's strange for him to voice it.

"I'm sure he just does it because he feels guilty."

Makoto raises his eyebrows. "Why? I mean, he wasn't even here when you quit swimming."

Haruka opens his mouth, decides Makoto doesn't need to know about the night he both treasures and loathes and closes it again.

Because Makoto might not know, but he definitely has given Haruka something to think about.

"Will Mei come to Iwatobi too?" Haruka eventually asks, effectively changing the topic.

"Probably. Last week, for her birthday…" Makoto starts talking about his girlfriend and it takes all of Haruka's willpower to listen to him. He has never bothered to try to know Mei, to try to understand what makes her different from the rest of Makoto's too loud friends.

It's strange. Throughout the last years, he's spent more time with Makoto than with the rest of his friends, even though they don't see each other nearly as often as when they lived in Iwatobi; yet Haruka feels he's been equally isolated from everyone. He doesn't think he knows all of Makoto's friends' names.

"By the way, you didn't tell me about those holidays."

Haruka frowns. "What holidays?"

"Aren't you going to Australia in November?"

Oh. That. To be completely honest, that trip is the result of an accident. Haruka made the mistake to walk behind Rin when he was video calling Lori; after that there was an awkward conversation in basic English and then they found themselves booking their plane tickets online. The days Ishida-san will close the restaurant to visit his granddaughter are a pleasant coincidence.

"It'll be just some days."

Makoto smiles. "Good– oh, I go right here."

Haruka stands on the same spot long after Makoto disappears behind a corner. The perpetual weight on his shoulders feels strangely lighter.

.

Against all odds, Haruka sleeps through most part of the trip to Iwatobi. He doesn't miss much, only Makoto and Mei's more than occasional displays of affection. It makes him feel like an outsider, so he frowns as he looks through the window, purposefully focused on the landscape.

He can't help his thoughts from wandering back to Rin over and over again, though, and it's not because his friend's race was honestly breath-taking; since that conversation with Makoto, the question of Rin's remorse has been gnawing at his conscience, because it's the most logical explanation for everything his friend has been doing for him.

It's stupid. But then again, Rin's whole being is too ridiculous to belong to the same reality Haruka lives in; feeling guilty about Haruka's injury would be only the tip of the iceberg. Because why would Rin use his head and reason Haruka was just too stupid to realise what he was doing? That's what a normal person would do.

After spending the rest of the afternoon with the Tachibanas (and trying to accept that Ran is taller than him now) Haruka retires to his own house, opens all the windows and buys something to make dinner. He's almost too sleepy to climb the stone stairs back home, but after having dinner and swallowing the loathed pill his eyes stay open, fixed on the ceiling of his room. Insomnia isn't a stranger for Haruka, but he gets increasingly anxious as he tries every posture and nothing works.

Sometimes when that happens, Rin offers himself to warm some milk with honey.

But there is no milk in the house.

Letting out a half distressed, half exasperated whine, Haruka reaches for his phone, which rests on top of the headboard. He doesn't think too much about the text he sends; he only hopes Rin hasn't already boarded his plane.

23:48
To: Rin
What are you doing?

Something akin to a laugh escapes Haruka's lips when his phone vibrates with two texts almost simultaneously.

23:51
From: Rin
Waiting in the airport

23:51
From: Rin
You can't sleep

Haruka sighs. It's not a question.

He hates it.

23:53
To: Rin
Nothing new
What time is it there?

Haruka is covered to the chin in blankets, not more sleepy than before, but he doesn't want to when Rin quickly answers.

23:55
From: Rin
Sunset. Look!

The message has a picture attached, a photograph of the sun disappearing behind mountains whose name Haruka doesn't know, tinting the sky orange and red. There's a plane taking off, and from the angle Rin took the pic it looks like it's going to be swallowed by the dying sun.

Haruka smiles even after reading the next message.

23:59
From: Rin
I'm about to turn the phone off.
Try with a warm bath, but don't fall asleep on the bathtub. Or do something you need to be focused on to get tired faster; it usually works for me.
See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Haru

Haruka closes his eyes.

"See you tomorrow," he replies.

.

Haruka sleeps until late.

When he wakes up it's almost twelve, but he feels rested and oddly calm. He fishes his phone from between the folds of the bedding, reads Rin's last night messages again. For the first time in years he changes his phone background; he caresses the warm sky Rin sent him with a smile on his lips.

He dresses and walks into Iwatobi in search of something for breakfast; there aren't many places with mackerel, so Haruka settles for juice and toast. Once his stomach is full he checks his phone again, but either Rin is still on the plane or he has forgotten to text him.

The Tachibanas are already preparing to go out for lunch when he walks back home. Haruka declines their invitation, telling himself he should at least get rid of the dust in his house.

In the end, though, he forgets about chores, finds an old sketchpad and a pencil and spends hours doodling; it's been years since he last wanted to draw. He draws Iwatobi-chan, the sea, goldfish and trees. He draws Makoto's eyes, Rei's glasses and Nagisa's hair, draws a whirlwind of cherry blossoms swirling around a figure he knows too well and wonders if Rin will be there to see the cherry trees in bloom next year.

He's been feeling restless all day, and drawing eventually stops being enough. His phone's battery has died when Haruka checks it again, so he plugs it to the charger and goes out again, this time to the beach. He walks by the water, just where the sea can't reach his feet.

He knows the source of his anxiousness. He knows he has to tell Rin to stop doing things out of guilt, and he knows he'll have to face a thousand excuses when the time comes. Haruka lays down on the sand, stares at the sky as its blue pales and turns a warm colour and stars start winking at him.

He supposes he falls asleep at some point, because when he opens his eyes there's a head blocking the night above. Haruka forms a lazy smile at Rin's concerned gaze.

"Hi."

Rin sighs, caresses his hair and lays down next to Haruka.

"Hi."

"How long have you been creepily watching me for?"

Rin lightly punches his arm. "Roughly two minutes. My mother kidnapped me the second I set a foot in her house. I just broke free." Haruka snorts. "By the way, we should move. The tide is rising."

Haruka wants to believe they still have some time before waves start lapping at their feet. He swallows down.

"Do you feel guilty about me quitting swimming?"

There's an gasp lost to the rolling waves when Rin's breath hitches. Haruka closes his eyes, not wanting to give into the temptation of looking at his friend. For minutes, they stay in silence, so quiet Rin might as well have left; Haruka has to trust him to stay, but at least the latest months have given him confidence about that.

"Does it matter?" Rin eventually counters.

Haruka closes his hands into fists. "I don't want you to be here out of guilt."

"I'm not. I…" Rin trails off, stays silent for some seconds, tries again. "Makoto said your injury was due to overworking yourself."

"It was." It feels strange, discussing what pushed Haruka over the edge so calmly. Maybe he wants to distance himself from the idiot that didn't know how to stop on time. "Still not your fault."

Curiosity gets the best of him when he hears Rin shifting on the sand. Haruka opens his eyes, looks to his right, where his friend has sat up. Rin isn't looking at him, though.

"It doesn't matter. You are more important than how I feel."

Haruka frowns.

"But you're important too."

He rolls to his side and rises on his knees when Rin keeps silent, eyes stubbornly fixed on the sea. Whatever insecurity Haruka had before vanished, he reaches to grab his friend's hand. He stops himself, though, when Rin turns around and stares at him. There are unshed tears in his eyes.

"Aren't you angry with me?"

Haruka finally finds the courage to touch Rin, but his fingers curl around his friend's elbow. He shakes his head.

"Not because of that."

Rin's forehead leans on Haruka's shoulder. His hoodie is too thick for the tears to soak through, but Haruka can tell Rin is crying; he wraps his arms around Rin's trembling back, pulling him close. It's the first time Haruka has seen him cry since he came back and he doesn't want to think Rin hasn't allowed himself to cry in all these months.

Haruka isn't sure why Rin is crying; he doesn't even know whether he's consoling him right. He's been on the receiving end of that action too many times for the last months and all he can do is holding Rin and hoping it's enough.

They stay there, sitting on the sand and clinging to each other, until the tide reaches their feet.

I hope you liked it! Tell me your thoughts about it~