Rin stands alone in the shower long after his teammates leave. Eyes fixed on the floor, shivering because the water has long gone cold and he can't find the strength in his hands to at least close the faucet, much less to walk out and dry himself off. So he stares at the slippery tiles until he stops seeing them, thinking about too many things he has allowed himself to ignore for months.

A tear escapes his eye, joins the water falling from his hair on its way down. It's a leather falling from shoulders that have been carrying a tonne of guilt for a long time.

Haruka doesn't hate him for his injury.

It's more than what Rin had ever dared to hope for. More than he deserves after leaving Haruka alone for years and not having the courage to come back even when Haruka's dream broke into a thousand pieces that are still hurting him. For not believing, not wanting to believe, until he moved back to Japan and Makoto broke down in front of his eyes because he didn't know how to help Haruka anymore.

All Rin was for almost three years was coward and selfish, and Haruka thinks it's just about his injury.

The worst part is Rin forgot about it too. Somewhere between trying not to lose his temper when Haruka refused to eat for days and noticing the small improvements in his friend's condition, Rin allowed himself to stop thinking about the reason it had gotten that bad in the first place.

Yet Haruka, too perceptive for his own good, noticed. And now there's one thing right shining in a sea of regrets.

And what does it matter?, a disdainful voice sneers. And it's right. You're not the one who can't function properly. You're the one who left, not the one who stayed and endured the loneliness.

But it matters, for Haruka. And it makes Rin want to simultaneously laugh and scream.

.

I wouldn't mind getting used to it, was Rin's first thought that cursed day as the first lights of the morning filtered into the room, when he opened his eyes to Haruka's bright, wide ones staring right into his soul.

It took a second for his head to catch up with his heart. And when it happened it hurt, it tore Rin's chest apart because he couldn't for the life of him understand what had possessed him to throw everything through the window and step on the boundaries that made his relationship with Haruka less than he wanted but safe.

Haruka tilted his head to the side, noticing the turmoil within Rin.

"What's wrong?"

Rin almost couldn't breathe.

"…this," he wheezed. "All of it."

Haruka's eyes widened. Confused, hurt. Not that Rin saw any of it, too caught up on his own distress.

And that was their downfall. That Rin refused to listen until Haruka's pride was wounded enough to kick him out himself.

.

Rin winces when he wakes up, the last threads of a dream that is also a memory fraying from his mind. It takes some seconds for him to remember where he is and make sense of the clattering shaking the floor and the seats; the first thing he does upon reasoning he's somewhere over the sea, flying towards Sydney, is turning his head to the right, trying to discern Haruka's face in the darkness.

He hears his voice first. Even though it doesn't form understandable words, only whimpers and an unintelligible string of syllables. When Rin's eyes get used to the lack of light he notices his deep frown, his scrunched up face, the hair sticking to his forehead.

"Haru." Rin grabs his friend's shoulder, shakes it a little. "Hey, wake up."

It's strange for Haruka to sleep deeply these days, yet now he's trapped in whatever nightmare his brain has conjured up for him. Rin's hand slides down Haruka's arm, grabs his friend's fingers through the blanket he's covered with. Haruka's breath hitches and Rin almost lets go of his hand on instinct.

He doesn't know how much contact is too much; and since Haruka started seeking it, it stopped mattering.

Yet sometimes it still does.

But then… Then Rin holds his breath, afraid of even breathing so he doesn't break what feels like an ancient, frail spell.

Haruka's head tilts to the side, inching closer to Rin. His forehead falls on Rin's neck; his breathing is erratic, scared.

And for the first time, Rin is able to make out what he's saying:

"In. Rin."

Rin sneaks his arm around his friend's back, bites his lower lip as he hugs Haruka close. "Yeah," he whispers; and it's impossible, because he's asleep, but Haruka stops repeating his name, "it's me."

The awkward hug seems to soothe Haruka; little by little his breathing slows down again, his mumbling not interrupted by distressed whines anymore. Rin closes his eyes, his heartbeat louder than Haruka's breathing in his eardrums.

"Stay," Haruka mutters, almost too quietly for even Rin to hear.

Rin takes a deep breath, regret stinging behind his eyelids.

"Don't worry about that. I'm here."

He won't leave. Not again.

.

Sometimes Rin is a bit jealous of how fond of Haruka Russell and Lori are. Not only are they asking about him every time Rin calls them; as soon as they set foot into their house, the couple ignores Rin to bombard his friend with questions. Haruka, who has been tired all day, seems to struggle to understand them, but Rin doesn't interfere.

He only intervenes when Haruka's forced retirement from swimming comes up. Haruka looks around, as if seeking a way to escape that particular question; Rin bites his lower lip and asks about Winnie, even though Lori's frown tells him she knows there is something wrong.

It's not a surprise Lori asks him to help make dinner. Haruka doesn't notice; he keeps petting Winnie, yawning every now and then. Rin wonders whether Australia has something that puts his friend at ease.

Rin doesn't really want to talk to Lori about Haruka, but he finds himself blurting out more than he means to after only a minute under her knowing stare. It's almost as bad as with his mother.

"But he's a lot better now, really," he finishes, partly because he doesn't want her to worry, partly because it's true.

Lori sighs. "I'm happy to hear that. And you?"

"What about me?" Rin counters, less puzzled than he'd like. He looks away from Lori's knowing smile and ends up staring through the window as Haruka plays with Winnie.

"If there's something you want to know you should talk to him."

Rin would like to state that Lori has no idea, but it's not true. Since Haruka tried to make his guilt go away, everything that had been hurting quietly started making more noise and Rin needs to know but he's too scared to ask.

So in the end he just nods.

.

There's a smile fighting its way to the corners of Haruka's lips when they walk into their hotel room.

"What?" Rin snaps.

"You reserved the wrong room again," Haruka mutters, plopping down on the closer bed.

Rin's eyebrows shoot up.

"There are two beds," he reasons.

Haruka shakes his head, but before Rin can figure out what his friend is talking about he's heading towards the bathroom. Rin supposes he'll take his time (even though there is no bathtub, only shower) and falls face first on the bed that is now his, wondering if Haruka is disappointed.

Sleeping together is not a big deal for them now, but Rin is aware its meaning is different than it was the first time he took Haruka to Australia. It's telling Haruka stories when he can't sleep, waking him up from his nightmares and comforting him even when his friend refuses to speak until dawn. It's holding Haruka close, soothing his doubts and assuring him that it'll get better with more conviction than he feels.

Maybe that's what Haruka wants.

Which means Rin fucked up. Again.

Haruka gets out of the shower unexpectedly fast. Still laying on his belly and mildly trying to suffocate himself, at first Rin only hears the door creaking open and his friend's steps; he can't help but turn his head, though. Luckily Haruka is sitting with his back towards Rin and doesn't notice.

Although his complexion is still far from what it was before quitting swimming, Haruka has gained some of the weight he lost. At least now tracing his bones is harder; but that's not what catches Rin's attention. It's not remembering all the arguments to convince Haruka to eat, either.

It is, to put it bluntly, Haruka himself. As he shuffles the clothes around in his bag, probably looking for that hideous t-shirt, Rin can see his muscles tensing and relaxing beneath the skin of his back. From his wet hair water falls down his pale skin, only making every move even more noticeable. Rin swallows as his eyes follow a single drop on its way down Haruka's shoulder blade, diverting to the groove that marks where his spine stands and running down, down, down until it soaks the waistband of his underwear.

Rin finds his mouth dry as he notices laying on his belly is getting mildly uncomfortable. His breath hitches when he pushes fantasies he refuses to think about away, trying harder to suffocate himself.

By now, he should know better.

.

Rin realises Haruka can't sleep only a few minutes after climbing into his bed and switching the light off. He can hear his friend rolling around and letting out increasingly frustrated huffs; the night is hot, humid, the kind of weather that makes even calming down hard.

He sits up and looks at Haruka, who has hidden his head under the pillow in a desperate attempt to sleep.

"Haru," he calls. In the dim room Haruka sits up too, hair tousled and sweat already forming on his forehead. His eyebrows are knit together in a visibly anxious expression. "How about we go for a walk?"

Haruka looks down.

"You don't have to."

Rin shrugs. "I can't sleep either anyway. It's too hot."

So they get dressed again and walk out of the hotel; the receptionist gives Rin a sympathetic look and he feels sorry for her and her work uniform. The frown between Haruka's eyebrows smooths out a bit when they get through the main entrance, even though it's hardly any cooler outside. Rin stops and ties his hair in a low ponytail, looking around as if a hint of where to go were going to appear.

"Where do you want to go?" he eventually asks Haruka. "There are a couple of places with good music not far from here."

Immediately Haruka's whole face scrunches up in displeasure. "I'm not going to a party."

Rin can't help but laugh. Haruka's tense shoulders relax the tiniest bit.

"I know." Rin tucks a red lock behind his ear. "No, seriously, any place in particular?"

"The sea?" Haruka suggests. "We haven't been there yet."

Rin agrees right away. He starts walking down the street, knowing Haruka is close behind.

What he doesn't expect is his friend's hand taking his. Rin almost forgets how to keep moving.

"You walk too fast," Haruka mutters. Rin glances at him; he's staring at the pavement as they walk. "Are you in a hurry?"

Rin can't help a little smile. "No." He slows down his pace to adjust to Haruka's rhythm, tightens his hold on his friend's hand. "Hey, are you enjoying the trip so far?"

Haruka nods.

There are some people at the beach, but not enough to prevent Rin and Haruka from having relative privacy. They take their shoes off, walk along the shore as waves lap at their ankles. One hand grabbing his shoes, the other linked to Haruka; Rin likes the feeling.

At least, until the echo of Lori's words makes its way into his mind.

Rin shakes his head, but he knows it's useless. The sooner he does it, the better. He supposes nothing can be worse than not knowing. His steps come to a halt, and a few seconds later Haruka's do too.

"Uh… Haru?"

Slightly further into the water, Haruka tears his gaze away from the black sea, gives Rin an inquisitive look.

"Do you…" Rin swallows down. "That day at the beach," he manages to force out of his throat.

There's an almost non-existent delay in Haruka's nod. But it's there and Rin notices.

"You… You said you aren't angry with me because of your injury." As he keeps speaking, holding Haruka's gaze gets harder. "So there's something you are angry about, right?"

Haruka looks down, at their intertwined hands. He doesn't speak for a while.

"I don't think so," he mutters. "I used to be angry because you left. And then scared because I didn't know if you would come back." The words are spoken calmly, almost as if Haruka were thinking every single one of them before saying it. "Now I don't know."

Rin bites his lower lip. "I'm s––"

"Don't." The sharp edge in Haruka's voice almost makes Rin step back. His friend looks up again, straight into his eyes. "I don't– I can't. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that." Haruka exhales slowly. "It hurt."

For a while they stand there, silent on the shoreline. Haruka's fingers feel cold in Rin's hand and he doesn't know what to do to fix that, how to make up for being a perfect jerk. Because there's nothing, he realises, because nothing will undo how much he hurt Haruka.

"So?" He finally prompts, voice almost lost to the roaring sea.

Haruka's hold on his hand tightens.

"You came back, didn't you?" He looks away for a second, but soon his gaze is fixed on Rin again. "And you're here. Even though I'm– you're still here."

Rin inches close to Haruka. "I am… and I know whatever I say counts little, but I will."

Haruka's forehead is almost too warm where it leans on Rin's. He closes his eyes.

"Thank you."

Rin sees the words forming on Haruka's lips, more than he hears them. He feels every letter caress his own lips, almost regrets not having caught them in his mouth.

"I should be the one saying that," he whispers. He can't tell if he's smelling the sea or Haruka or a bit of each.

Haruka opens his eyes. "Why?" he mutters. "You're the one putting up with me when not even I can stand myself."

The moment passes. Haruka's head lowers, leans on Rin's shoulder. Rin can feel the heat radiating from his friend's cheeks, and Haruka probably senses Rin's pulse through his skin.

It's strangely soothing. It's what Rin had been both fearing and hoping, it's alright.

It will be.

What do you think about it? Do you like it? Or not? Tell me!