CHAPTER 2

I smoothed out the wrinkled notebook paper over my knee. Sitting crossed legged at the head of my bed, I watched Edward fold his long legs into an identical position facing me at the foot of the bed. I pulled at the ragged edges of the paper, tearing off little bits. They fell into a pile on the comforter.

"So, who wants to go first?" I asked, trying to lighten the awkwardness of this situation.

"If you don't mind, I think it would be appropriate to stick with the 'ladies first rule'. I want your boundaries completely respected."

Right. Here goes nothing. I smoothed out the paper again focusing on my scrawled handwriting. I'd decided it was better to write these things down, so I couldn't chicken out of talking about them. I cleared my throat. "Okay, so - maybe this is obvious. But, let's start with the basics: no sex."

"Agreed. Not until after the wedding." He smiled in encouragement. "Next?"

I completely lost my nerve. All of my items included words like tongue, underwear, and nudity. I suddenly regretted writing this down. I'd have to burn the paper. "You go next."

He took mercy on me. "Well, I was thinking that we could talk about a safe word."

"A safe word?"

"Yes. If things are getting too intense and either one of us feels like we need to slow down, we say the safe word as a signal to the other."

"That makes sense." I chewed on my nails. "But it doesn't have to end everything, right? Like, if I said the safe word because I was about to lose control and attack you," he smiled broadly showing his teeth, "you wouldn't like, run out of the room. Right?"

"It can just be a signal to the other person that you're close to losing control."

"Does that also mean you won't pull away from me all of a sudden and tell me it's time to go to sleep when things get too intense for you? You could use the safe word instead?"

He cocked his head to the side. "You noticed that I do that?"

I nodded, and focused on the tattered edges of my paper. I hated it when he did that. It made me feel rejected, even though I knew it wasn't his intention.

"And that hurts your feelings," he concluded. "I'm sorry, I hadn't thought about how that might make you feel. I'm only ever trying to keep you safe from my loss of control."

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant.

He leaned forward and stroked a finger across my cheek. "I guess, I don't know how to tell you that I'm getting close to losing all control. And then my whole brain is just overloaded and the only solution I know is to remove myself from the temptation. It scares me and I'm unfortunately good at running away."

"Too much Bella, huh?" I smiled feeling better at his words.

"Maybe 'temporary Bella overload' would be a more appropriate term." He smiled at me, and my heart did that skipping thing.

I moved to smack him on the arm, which he neatly dodged. Probably saved me an injury.

He gathered my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. "So, you agree that a safe word is a good idea?"

"Definitely. So what should it be? Mountain Lion?"

"No," he laughed, and I smiled at the return of his good humor. "Probably a bad idea to make me think about food at that particular moment."

"Right. Well, how about Newton. That should kill the mood."

His mouth turned down in distaste. "

Snickerdoodle?"

"What is a snickerdoodle?"

"It's my favorite cookie."

"Snickerdoodle it is, then. You can think about food all you want and not be tempted to bite me. You'd chip a tooth."

I snapped my teeth at him playfully and he laughed out loud in surprise.

I covered his mouth with my hand. "Shhh. You'll wake up Charlie!"

He nodded agreement, his eyes still dancing with humor. I removed my hand slowly, a smile on my lips.

He nodded at the paper in my lap." Do you have any other items you want to share from your list?"

I hoped he couldn't actually read it from there. Even with his superior vampire eyesight, I was probably safe with my bad handwriting. I could barely read it. Just to be sure, I moved it deeper into my lap. "Can I make a request about your clothes?"

"My clothes?" His eyes widened in surprised before crinkling in humor. "I will never be able to figure out how your brain works."

And I thank my lucky stars for that. "Well, I was wondering, even though I know you won't be actually sleeping, wouldn't you be more comfortable in pajamas?"

"I'm not ever un-comfortable. It's almost all the same to me."

"Almost?" My curiosity flared, sidetracking me.

"Well, I do like the feel of some fabrics better than others. Silk for example feels nicer than denim. It's softer against my skin."

"So, do you have any silk pajamas?"

"Yes, thanks to Alice. I honestly haven't ever worn them, since I don't require sleep. But I also have your comfort to think about. I'm afraid the coolness of my body with nothing but silk between us, would chill you too badly."

I let my mind drift on that delicious thought for a moment. Nothing but silk between us. Hmmm.

"Snickerdoodle!" He pleaded, laughing.

I broke out of my reverie and my face reddened. I guess my momentary day dream had been a bit too obvious on my face. "Sorry. I got sidetracked there. Good use of our new safe word. See, it's already working." I tried to act casual and move on. I'm sure my red face didn't help that facade. "How about cotton pajamas then? Really, it would be more comfortable for me if you weren't wearing jeans to bed."

"Cotton pajamas it is, then. Alice will take it as a personal challenge to find a designer pair, I'm sure."

"Okay, your turn. What's on your list."

"All right. Well, you'll have to forgive me for being forward." His chewed his bottom lip, and I swear he looked nervous.

"This is a 'forward' conversation, Edward. It's okay. Let's talk about sex, baby." I gave him my most innocent smile. I was determined to keep this conversation in the right mood.

"Well, to be blunt, I think you should leave all your clothes on."

Uh, oh. I sensed another argument about to happen. I'd have to tread carefully here. "This was actually one of my points too. Sort of in the opposite direction though."

He frowned.

"Don't worry, I'm not planning on getting naked in front of you. But, I do think we should get used to a little more skin contact. There's going to be a whole lot of that going on at some point. "

He started shaking his head and opened his mouth to object.

"No wait, hear me out." Deep breath. Act like an adult. You can do this. "The heat of my skin is extremely distracting for you, right?"

"Exactly. That's my point! It's too distracting for me, and I might hurt you."

"Well, that's my point too. This is what this desensitization therapy is for. It's to get us used to being together this way. If we start slowly, then we should be able to work up to things."

He looked at me thoughtfully for a long moment. "That strangely does seem to make sense." He shook his head. "I'm going straight to hell," he mumbled.

I pretended not to hear. "It does make sense. Edward, what we're doing is not about guilty pleasures. It's practical. We love each other. We're waiting until we're married to have sex. But we're also not going to jump into this in a way that hurts either of us or gets me killed."

That got his full attention. His eyes flashed to black and for a second he looked like a real vampire.

"And if it's pleasurable at the same time, is that so bad?"

"Not hurting you is my only priority. Pleasure isn't even on the same list."

"Well, I obviously don't want to get hurt either. But both our pleasure is on my list. Literally." I tapped the paper in my lap to emphasize my point.

"So... some skin contact," he agreed. "In moderation, while we desensitize."

"Agreed. We'll work up to things together." I smiled at my victory. This was going well so far.

"No surprises though, Bella. I'm not sure I could handle a surprise of that magnitude."

I nodded solemnly. "So, speaking of skin contact..." He growled so quietly I almost didn't hear it. I lost my nerve. As far as I was concerned, I really didn't have anywhere I wouldn't want him to touch me. But I knew this would be a sensitive topic with him. "I'm, um, okay if you want to touch me."

His eyes widened slightly. I flamed red. Gah. This was coming out all wrong. I sounded ridiculous. Although most people probably wouldn't have noticed, his eyes were a little too tight and his shoulders tensed just a fraction.

"What I mean is, I want you to touch me. If you want to, I mean. I don't want you to do something you don't want to do, but I want you to know that I want you to, if you do. Want to." I looked at him helplessly. I was going to die on the spot from embarrassment.

Edward somehow managed not to laugh at my stammering explanation. "You're giving me permission to touch you intimately, should I so desire?"

I exhaled in relief. "Yes."

At least he understood what I was trying to say. But, he didn't move or say anything. I couldn't read his face. I bit my lip, unsure about what he was thinking. What if he didn't even want to try? Was I pushing him too far, too fast? His eyes scanned my face, but his own was unreadable.

"Did I offend you?" I asked hesitantly.

Surprise flashed across his face. "No, love. Of course not." He reached out to stroke my face with his fingers. He kissed me softly on the lips. "You just surprised me is all. As is becoming par for the course with you." He chuckled, but I could tell he was still unsettled.

I waited for further clarification from him. Or an acceptance of my offer. Nothing. The seconds ticked by.

Okay, well, how about a reciprocal offer? I was dying to know if he felt comfortable with me touching him, but I wasn't brave enough to ask. If his eyes were any indication, his mind was racing.

"I mean, only if you want to. I don't want to push you to fast, or make you do something you're uncomfortable with."

"Sorry love, I'm working against a hundred years or moral conditioning to catch up to today. I think this could help us. If I can focus just on touching you, it won't tax my control as much as you touching me. I just need to be careful not to hurt you."

Relief flooded me and I smiled. "I'm not quite as fragile as glass though. I like it when you touch me."

He scooted closer on the bed, until our knees were touching. "I had noticed that," he smiled and my stomach fluttered. The air around us sparked with energy. "Would it be all right if I touched you, now?"

"Yes," I breathed.

His hand slid along my neck, pushing the hair off my shoulder. I leaned into his touch, and closed my eyes. His hand traveled down my bare arm until our fingers interlaced. I opened my eyes and found him staring at my arm.

"You have goose flesh."

"It feels really nice."

He leaned in and kissed me softly. "Is there anywhere else you'd like me to touch you?"

I bit my lip. Tingling spread all across my body as I thought about the possibilities. I nodded and pulled his hand to my collar bone. I slid his fingers under the hem of my shirt, his palm resting just above my chest. He dragged his fingers softly against my flesh, tickling the sensitive skin between my shoulder and breasts. He repositioned us with my back against his chest. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of his cool fingers tickling across my shoulders and neck. He trailed kisses after his fingers, raising goose flesh along my skin.

"I dream of you, my Bella," he whispered in my ear. "Of us, together, without all the necessities of caution."

"I thought you couldn't dream."

"I can't sleep, but I do dream. And you are the star of my dreams."

m not receiving any compensation other than the pleasure of playing with the wonderfully angsty creations of Stephenie Meyer.