Edward returned an hour later as Alice had predicted. I sat cross legged on his bed, staring blankly at my dark red nails as I tried to focus on the conversation we needed to have. I was also trying to push down the hurt of him leaving. I seemed to be finding myself in this position a lot lately.
Edward walked into his room at a human pace and closed the door. He leaned against it, not coming closer to me. His hair was tousled from the run and I noticed that his shirt was torn at the shoulder. Noticing my stare, he adjusted his shirt a little with an apologetic shrug. His eyes were tense, but they were lighter. The color of liquid honey. He must have found something small to eat on his run.
"I need to apologize. I've been informed that I acted like - and I quote- 'a self centered ass'. " I laughed once humorlessly, my suspicion confirmed. Emmett and Jasper to the rescue. "Well, that's the part I can repeat anyway."
"I'm sorry they yelled at you," I whispered. I didn't want to have everyone berating Edward regardless of how I felt.
"I deserved it." I couldn't tell if he was referring to the way he acted afterward or his actions in the first place. I had a sneaking suspicion it was the former.
He cocked his head as if listening. He didn't have to explain as a moment later even I could hear the engine on Emmett's Jeep roaring to life. Alice had promised to provide an opportunity for us to talk. Since Charlie was now home, this was our best option. I could always count on Alice. I exhaled. Here goes nothing.
"You do deserve it." I looked up to see the acceptance in his eyes. "But not for the reasons you think," I clarified.
"What we're doing is not wrong, Edward." His eyes dropped to his feet.
"Look at me, please," I continued. His eyes rose to mine. "Do you still agree with the logic about the desensitizing therapy?"
"I do, but -" I cut him off with a raised hand. He let me continue.
"So do I. But I owe you an apology. I haven't been pulling my share of the weight, so to speak. I need to show you that you aren't alone in carrying the burden of keeping me safe." Seeing I still had his attention, I walked over to him at the door. I stopped purposefully a few feet from him. I needed to stay focused.
"Do you love me?"
"You know I do," he stated fervently.
"Do you want to keep me safe?"
"Of course."
"I only have one more question. But I need to say something first and I want you to really think about it before you answer."
He nodded.
"I've been selfishly pushing you, then relying on you to keep us both in check. I was afraid that you would pull away when things get too intense and I pushed to get everything I could before that point. I realize that about myself and I'm not going to do that anymore."
His face remained calm, taking in what I was saying. I forged onward.
"I need to know that you will trust me to tell you the things that I want and the things that I don't want." I looked into his eyes to make sure he understood how serious I was being.
"So, will you trust me?"
I saw that he understood the weight of my words.
"I do trust you, Bella." He reached out to me and I allowed him to stroke my cheek with the backs of his fingers. I closed my eyes at his touch, but refrained from falling into his arms. I had more to say.
"Thank you. That means a lot to me. I want to promise you right now that I will always tell you the truth. If I'm not comfortable with something, I promise I will tell you. And I promise to hold up my end of the responsibility for keeping me safe while we explore our physical relationship together."
He nodded, impressed. That had gone just as smoothly as I'd planned in my mind. Here was the tricky part. I took a deep breath.
"As a first step to that, I need to tell you that I love the way you've allowed yourself to touch me. I'm not ashamed of it and I don't feel guilty." His eyes widened at my bold statements. "Last night was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me," I continued.
His eyes did that scorching thing and I almost lost all thought.
"What happened last night -" he began with an apology on his lips.
"No, Edward. I'm not ashamed. And frankly, if you say you are, it's going to hurt my feelings. What happened last night was the most sensual thing I have ever experienced and your reaction to me was a big part of that. I love knowing that I affect you too." His eyes got darker. My heart skipped a beat. I couldn't control my reactions to him. I had to focus if I was going to get through this conversation. I took a deep breath. "But the important thing is, when you needed me to help you calm down, I was there for you. That is what I meant when I asked you if you trust me."
He considered my words. It wasn't weak to rely on the person you love when you needed them most.
"I understand what you mean," he said, gathering me into his arms. "And you are right. I didn't realize it, but I'm sorry I doubted you. "
I exhaled in relief, settling into his arms as he leaned against the back of his bedroom door. I felt a huge pressure lift off of me.
"Can I be honest in return?" I nodded my head against his chest. "Allowing myself these liberties with you has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. The desire I feel for you is as strong as the blood lust I felt. Stronger, in some ways. I don't have eighty years of experience controlling it. All I have to counter these impulses are the morals I was raised with - the ones that don't make any sense to you- and my need to protect you, even from myself."
I squeezed my arms around him gently, trying to provide him some measure of comfort.
"The beautiful woman whom I love and desire more than anything in this world, is nearly begging me for more and the man in me is right there with her, aching for the same. And I'm so afraid to give either of them what they want lest I lose control and kill you accidentally. It would be so easy to make a mistake with catastrophic repercussions."
"I'm sorry," I whispered in understanding.
"The other day, after I touched you so intimately in your bed-" I nodded. The night of the infamous massage. "I spent the night alternating between feeling elated and horribly guilty. I feared I had crossed a line and I berated myself for taking such pleasure over your body. I didn't know what to do and I nearly fell into my old pattern of trying to control the situation and I realize now, trying to control you."
I knew he was referring to his decision to slow things down. Alice had warned me about that the morning of our impromptu sleep over.
"Then we went dancing and I was this close to losing it... My own personal siren, tempting me in every way possible. I couldn't not touch you. And I knew you enjoyed it. I knew you wanted more." His voice was getting rougher at the memory and the sound of his desire send a thrill down my spine. I tried not to react, but it was a lost cause. My heart rate was wild, my breathing was heavier.
"I wanted you so badly. I needed you," he whispered. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He held me tightly against his chest, whispering into my hair like a confession.
My heart was beating hard. Did he know what he was doing to me with his words? I'd never heard him speak like this. He'd never talked so passionately about having desire for me. I knew how I felt, but hearing him say he felt the same was doing strange things to my self control. The electricity between us was intense.
"And then, my God, I nearly took you outside of that dance club, right there on the floor. Or up against that wall. Preferably both. Knowing how your desired me, the way your body reacted. The smell alone..." He growled and looked into my eyes. I was mesmerized. This was a whole new kid of dazzling.
I looked away, trying to break the pull my body felt toward him. I was trembling with desire. Again. I didn't dare look at him. I knew what his face would look like. I knew his eyes would be black pools of desire. And I knew if I moved, I would trigger something neither of us could stop.
AN: Thank you for all of your reviews! You are all so kind. The next chapter will be up in 2 days or 15 reviews. Enjoy!