The awkwardness was palpable as Nick entered Natalie's lab. Her instinctive, bright "Nick!" was almost simultaneously dampened by her memory of their last contact: the pain of his fangs in her neck - very painful indeed, contradicting her every romantic fantasy of the moment - and the terror of her fading consciousness. Nick's memories were not much different. So they stood there for a moment, then Nick broke the stillness by crossing to Natalie for a quick embrace, and a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm so glad you recovered so quickly," he told her.
"Timing is everything. By the way, whatever post hypnotic suggestion you fed Grace still works like a charm."
The air was still a bit stiff around them, until Nick jutted his chin out and pointed to it.
"Go ahead. Take your best shot. I earned it."
"Don't tempt me."
They both laughed, albeit still a bit uneasily, and the atmosphere relaxed. Silence descended again, though, this time broken by Natalie.
"Let me put these notes away and we can go back to my apartment to talk."
Nick frowned a little and shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea, Nat."
Notes organized and desk securely locked, Natalie straightened and looked him in the eye.
"You're right, of course. Let's go to that all night café on Bay Street."
Nick made neutral small talk on the way to the car and the café. What the new town was like, who he and Maura had met, the new job he was looking forward to.
"Well that's a switch, from detective to blue collar laborer."
He shrugged. "I could use the rest."
Natalie picked up their order at the counter - herbal tea for her, cappuccino for Nick for camouflage's sake - and returned to the table he'd selected. They were the only two customers at an hour when most people were still in the bars and lounges in the area. The place would fill up at closing time.
"So..." Nick began, and found he didn't know quite how to continue, so he traced patterns in the cappuccino foam with his spoon.
"So." Natalie continued for him. "There's a reason we need to talk and it's not just so you could apologize for your quick exit."
"No, it's not." He looked up from his coffee cup to see the look in Natalie's eyes. Bracing herself.
"I owe you an apology too," she told him. "That was a very bad idea I had, stupid and reckless. And I'll never forgive myself for forcing you to leave everything behind."
"No!" Nick protested. "It wasn't that. Not just that." He dropped his spoon and reached for her wrist. Not her hand... that was a calculated decision. "You know, we both know, that so much had happened. That much was true, what I put in that note, that too many things had been lost for Toronto to continue to be our home. What happened that night, at the loft... that was just one of them."
"The last one."
"Yes. But something has to be last, doesn't it?"
Natalie sighed. "I just wish it wasn't me."
"It wasn't you." Nick shook his head, and released Natalie's wrist. "What made that night at the loft the last thing, the thing that had to be last, was the lies left between us that made it happen."
"Lies?" Natalie was aghast. "Are you saying our friendship has been a lie?"
"Of course not, no. But the lies are what brought us there, the promise of mortal life, your belief it might bring us closer together."
Natalie looked away. "We both know better than that."
"Do we? Have we ever said it in so many words? If it's possible to lie by omission it's also possible to lie by implication. For us, silence was implication."
"Look I don't think we have to go into this now, wait until tomorrow night when we've both had some rest, where are you staying?"
"I have reservations at the Grand."
The Grand, Natalie thought. Where he and Maura had had one of the only romantic getaways of their life together, unless you counted the cruise to Europe. Unless you counted their every moment alone together.
"Nat, this can't wait. Maura made a good point, that until we're honest out loud with one another, with ourselves, then it won't be real and we'll both still be beholden to our wishes and delusions."
Maura again! "What 'wishes and delusions' are those, if you don't mind my asking?" She couldn't keep the chill from her voice.
"Mine is that becoming mortal is achievable, or even desirable. And yours is..."
"I'd rather acknowledge my own delusions if you please. One is what you just said, only it's just a wish, not a delusion. Being mortal is a possibility, not a delusion, the fact that we haven't succeeded yet doesn't change that. And from where I sit it is desirable." A pause. "But maybe that's just because I'm mortal," she finished tartly.
"You've forgotten one," he advised her in a quiet voice. "The wish that we could have a life together if I were mortal. Nat I don't say it to hurt you, I've hurt you enough since we met, but that wish is a delusion as well." Though she didn't look ready to answer, he continued as if he were afraid to lose his nerve. "We've been the closest, the dearest of friends and that is the kind of love I'll always have for you, that I always did. But be honest, the fact that it was never anything else, anything more, isn't an accident of timing. If Maura came along later, or not at all, my feelings toward you wouldn't be any different, any more or less, than they are now. More importantly, becoming mortal would not have changed that. I'm being honest, brutally I know, but I need you to know that if any of our attempts had succeeded, even that night at the loft, what I would have done with my new existence and future would have been the same."
Natalie couldn't bear to hear him go on. "You'd have brought it home to Maura. You'd have shared it with her and not me."
"I would have shared it with you Nat!" Nick insisted. "Just not the way you might have been planning on."
"Might have been," Natalie muttered under her breath, "that's a hot one."
Nick had one last thing to add, as long as he was laying out every painful truth. "And you need to know something else... not only do I not need anymore to become mortal, I don't want it either. My life as it is, my life with Maura, would change completely were I no longer who I am. I'm not going to get further into it than that. But the two basic truths of my life are: I do not want to, and will never be mortal, and I will never have the kind of life with you that you think you want to have. That's why I came up here, to lay our ghosts to rest where they were born."
"That's why Maura didn't want me to come to Vermont, isn't it? Don't equivocate, Nick. She didn't want these... issues to come home to roost where you are now."
Nick's smile was wry, and a bit sad. "You know each other much better than you think."
The waitress approached to see if they wanted anything else.
"No, we're fine thanks," Nick assured her before paying the tab.
"That's one word for it," Natalie added when the waitress had left. "So are you leaving me tomorrow night with an elegant note again?"
"Hold on, Nat, this has all been me talking. You need to have your say, too."
She looked Nick hard in the eye. "My say is this... everything you say is true. We've been hiding from these things for too long and it hasn't helped anyone or anything."
"So you agree, then?"
"Let's just say I'm glad you said what you did, that it is all out in the open out loud now, and I'm not going to debate any of it. But you didn't answer my question..."
His smile was warmer, more genuine this time. "Well editorial commentary notwithstanding... yes I'm returning to Peacham tomorrow night. But not before coming to say goodbye. And let me say that in time, once we've had a chance to process all of this, I hope you will get the chance to come down and see our new home, and new friends, and new life." He rose to leave, waiting for her to accompany him.
"Look Nick, the Grand is just a couple blocks away. If it's okay, can you walk? It's been a long night and I'd like to get home."
"You bet. 'night, Nat." He bent to kiss her cheek, not seeing her eyes flutter shut at the touch of his lips.
"'night. See you tomorrow before you go."
Natalie watched Nick leave, saw the light dance on the wedding band that wasn't real, but might as well have been. Her first instinct was to put her head down and cry.
No. She'd told the truth. She wasn't going to debate him or his conclusions, but that was as far as she was willing to go. She knew in her heart, in her soul, that he was meant to be mortal again. As for the other... only time would tell.