Chapter 7 – Chasing Starlight – Visions
A/N: It's been a productive spring break! I really enjoyed writing this chapter. It turned out a bit longer than I thought it would!
Some dialogue (towards middle and end) was taken directly from Mass Effect 1 (hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it).
PS: Bioware owns all things Mass Effect.
Anderson was waiting for Kaidan in the cargo bay. The captain's face displayed concern, but when he realized Kaidan was carrying his unconscious XO, his visage changed to one of worry.
"What happened here, Alenko?" Anderson asked, motioning to other crew members to retrieve the beacon.
"The beacon is destroyed. Commander Shepard got caught in its security field or something, and then it exploded. I'm taking her to Dr. Chakwas right away, sir."
Anderson frowned. "And Nihlus? Any word from him?" Kaidan looked to the ground, swallowed his pride and answered his captain, "We found his body, sir. Shot in the back of the head. Shepard got more details from a witness." This was not the news Anderson was hoping for. He nodded to Kaidan, who proceeded to the elevator. "Who's our guest?" Anderson asked gesturing towards the brunette marine who followed Kaidan up the ramp.
Ashley didn't wait for an introduction. "Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, Eden Prime 212, sir," she saluted. Kaidan was thankful she was comfortable on her own, and as soon as Ashley had started to respond to Anderson, Kaidan headed to the elevator to take Shepard to the med bay.
"Where's the rest of your unit, marine?"
She looked down, blinked back tears, forced her eyes to meet the captain's, and admitted, both to him and herself, "I'm all that's left, sir."
The volume of the conversation faded as the elevator doors closed and Kaidan traveled up to the next deck. Numerous members of the crew looked at him, or rather, the woman he was carrying, with concern as he made the short trip from the elevator to the med bay.
As Kaidan gently laid Shepard down on the bed, Dr. Chakwas rushed to her side. Kaidan stood back, out of her way, and the doctor checked Evelyn's vitals. He waited patiently, hoping for good news to deliver to the captain, but honestly, just wanting her to be alright. Kaidan realized the feelings he was having weren't just professional concern, or guilt because it was his fault, but instead he was thinking of all the things he hadn't done, hadn't said to her all these years and how much he would regret it if she didn't wake up.
Maybe this is more than just a crush, he thought.
"She's stable, Lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas interrupted the conversation in his mind. "She should be alright, she just needs some rest."
A wave of relief washed over Kaidan. It left some residual worry behind, though, because she had not yet awakened. "Thank you, doctor. I'll go let Captain Anderson know."
"And Jenkins, Lieutenant?"
More disappointment clouded over Kaidan. "He didn't make it. I'll send you the nav point to where he went down, in case if you're able to accompany the men going to retrieve his body."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Kaidan," she frowned, "he was so eager and full of life…I suppose it's been a rough day and an unconventional shakedown cruise."
"Indeed, doctor, it has."
After Kaidan had spoken in more detail with Anderson, he was ordered to get some rest. Kaidan was almost thankful that a migraine had started up; the medicine for it helped him to sleep. He was sure he wouldn't have gotten much without the medication's assistance, because was too worried about Evelyn. When Kaidan woke up, he went back down to the med bay to check on Shepard. It had been a very long day for the doctor, who Kaidan noticed was yawning, trying to stay awake to monitor her patient.
"Everything alright, Doctor?" Kaidan's inquiry startled Dr. Chakwas; she was so exhausted that she hadn't heard Kaidan come in.
"Hmm? Oh, yes. The commander is still stable. She hasn't woken up yet, though," the last word was hard to understand, as it had been said through yet another yawn. "Would you mind keeping an eye her for me?"
Kaidan fought to keep a smile from creeping across his face. "Not a problem, ma'am."
"Thank you," Dr. Chakwas said, rising from her chair. "If the monitors start beeping, please wake me if I don't hear them. I'll just be in this back room."
"Of course, Doctor."
Once Dr. Chakwas had disappeared into the back room of the med bay, Kaidan sat down in the now empty chair and rolled closer to Shepard's bedside. Evelyn's face seemed peaceful now compared to how she had been just after the beacon exploded, but her complexion was still paler than the fair tone it naturally was. Kaidan studied her beautiful face, taking time to memorize details he hadn't had a chance to properly observe since they arrived on board. It had been a decade since their time in Vancouver, and some of the finer details of Evelyn's appearance had been lost from his memory in the time that passed. That, and, some things had changed, considering Shepard was still technically a teenager then, but now, approaching 30 years old. There was a small scar near her right temple, and the tiniest of crow's feet started to peek out from the corners of her eyes. Kaidan found two or three freckles; she had so few that he didn't even realize until now that she had any at all. Her nose was ski-sloped, and cute as a button. She had high, defined cheekbones that many women would be jealous of. Her lips were just the slightest bit plump, a beautiful, healthy shade of pink, and she had a widow's peak. Kaidan was incredibly attracted to Evelyn, especially as he stared at her lips, and wanted to kiss her so badly. He quickly moved his eyes away from her mouth, fearing he would have difficulty controlling himself if he continued to study that feature. He noted her chin was charmingly pointy, how adorable her tiny ears were, and the gorgeous long length of her eye-lashes. The jet-black mascara she always wore had worn off and revealed that they were naturally a lighter shade of brown.
Out of the corner of his amber eyes, Kaidan saw Shepard's fingers twitch, but no change occurred on the monitor. Her eyebrows began to furrow again, and her lids fluttered, while still staying closed. She looked terrified, and instinctually, Kaidan took her hand in his. It was cold against his warm skin. Almost immediately, her face and body relaxed. Kaidan worried that the nightmare or whatever she had been experiencing would come back if he let go of her hand, so he kept her surprisingly delicate hand in his strong one, squeezing ever so slightly, in a comforting manner. He looked out the window to make sure no one could see or was headed their way, and almost missed the smile that had come across her face from his touch. His heart began to flutter and beat strongly inside of his chest. Does she know it's me holding her hand? Or is she thinking of someone else? He couldn't take his eyes off her smile. It doesn't matter. She's at peace. She's responding to something real, not just in her dream. She's going to be ok. You can figure the rest of this out later.
"Eh hem," a familiar male voice rang in the room. Shit, Kaidan thought as he quickly released Shepard's hand. He had been so distracted by her smile and his thoughts that he hadn't noticed anyone come in.
"Relax, buddy, it's just me," Kaidan turned around to see Joker at the door of the med bay. He felt slightly relieved; even in the short time Kaidan had known Joker, the two had already become friends. "I had a feeling you knew the commander from the second you came on board."
Kaidan scoffed, "yeah, well, sort of."
"Sort of? What the hell does that mean?" Joker asked, with one eyebrow raised.
"We, uh, sort of went on a date…10 years ago," Kaidan admitted, his hands mingling with each other nervously.
"What's up with you and 'sort of?" Joker teased. "Really, dude, 10 years ago? Just one date?"
"Yeah…" Kaidan's voice trailed off. He didn't really know what else to say.
"Well, don't worry about it, Kaidan. I won't tell anyone, including the commander." Joker gave him a reassuring pat on the back.
"Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"But 10 years, dude? And you're still crushing on her?"
"Shut up, Joker." Kaidan laughed. Though it is kind of silly if you think about it.
"Whatever, man, no judgement here. Just uh," Joker paused looked around, and lowered his voice, "be a little more careful about it."
Kaidan smirked, "yeah, I think I just learned my lesson on that one."
"So, is she still into you?" Joker pried.
Kaidan didn't have a response ready. He hadn't really thought about whether or not she was also hiding feelings for him. Joker laughed, "You don't even know? Come on, man!"
"It's not like anything can come of it anyways," Kaidan sighed. It felt wrong to be having this conversation in front of Evelyn as she lay unconscious. God, I hope she's not actually hearing this. How embarrassing would that be?
"Not when you're on duty, anyway," Joker winked.
Kaidan's mind couldn't leave his last thought. "Can we not have this conversation right now? Right here?" he said, gesturing to Evelyn. "Not to mention the doctor is sleeping behind that door," he whispered.
"Oh, shit, right." Joker smirked, "how hilarious would it be if the commander heard all of that?"
"Not funny, Joker," Kaidan said flatly.
Joker put his hands up in front of his own chest, "alright, alright. I'll stop. I should probably head back to the cockpit, anyways. I had just grabbed a bite to eat and wanted to stop by and see how she was holding up."
Kaidan realized Joker's inquiry was genuine, and gave him the update. "Hopefully she'll wake up soon," he concluded.
"Yeah, the captain has been pacing around the CIC waiting for the word that she's up and ready to talk. Speaking of which, I gotta get back up there myself." Joker nodded his head, turned around slowly, and walked with a limp back towards the stairs. Kaidan realized this was the first time he saw his new friend out of his chair; the severity of Joker's illness hadn't occurred to him until now.
Kaidan turned his attention back to Evelyn. He was glad to see that she was still resting peacefully, and that there hadn't been any negative changes on the monitors during Joker's distraction. While his eyes were checking the screens for changes, Kaidan heard a slight, whimper-like, sound come from Evelyn. She rolled her head back and forth on the pillow gently, and her silver eyes fluttered open, reflecting the bluish hue of the lights in the infirmary. "Doctor? Doctor Chakwas! I think she's waking up!" Kaidan exclaimed, rolling the chair a safe distance away from the bed. Evelyn placed her hand on her head in a way Kaidan was all too familiar with; it was the same way he held his head when he was feeling a migraine coming on.
Dr. Chakwas rushed out of the back room, checked the monitors, and her patient, and sighed in relief as Shepard sat up, "You gave us quite the scare, commander. How are you feeling?"
"Minor throbbing…How long was I out?" Shepard hazily asked.
"About 15 hours. Lieutenant Alenko carried you up here himself." The doctor explained.
Evelyn turned to Kaidan and smiled. "Thanks," she simply said.
"It's not a problem, ma'am," Kaidan nodded. He swallowed before continuing, "The beacon exploded and the blast knocked you cold. I'm sorry about what happened. If I hadn't stepped closer it, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."
Evelyn didn't hesitate in her response, "its ok, lieutenant, you had no idea that would happen. Don't blame yourself." Kaidan smiled widely, pleased that she had so kindly accepted his apology.
While Kaidan was apologizing, the doctor had paged Anderson, who showed up nearly instantaneously.
"How's our XO holding up, doctor?" He quickly inquired.
Dr. Chakwas addressed them both as she responded. "Physically, the commander is fine, though I detected some unusual brain activity. Abnormal beta waves. Possibly because of the beacon, though we'll never know for sure. Also, her rapid eye movement increased, a sign of intense dreaming."
"I…" Shepard started to respond, but she stopped and thought of exactly how she wanted to word her response. She didn't want to sound crazy. "I believe what I saw was triggered by the beacon. It felt as though the horrific images were being burned into my mind before I was knocked out. The vision repeated itself as I slept, like a nightmare that kept occurring over and over again." Evelyn rubbed her head as she spoke.
"What was this vision you had, exactly?" Anderson asked, concerned.
"It was unclear. But I'm pretty sure what I saw was…death. Destruction. The details are blurry."
Evelyn's description made Kaidan feel even worse than before. Traumatizing visions were burned into her mind and haunting her while she slept, and it's my fault. How long will they haunt her?
"I need to speak to the commander, privately." Anderson's words insinuated that Kaidan and Dr. Chakwas needed to leave the room.
"Aye, aye, sir." Kaidan saluted. "I'll be in the mess if you need me." Dr. Chakwas silently nodded and followed Kaidan out of the med bay, leaving Anderson and Shepard to talk.
Anderson gave Shepard a concerned look, sighed and asked, "Shepard, how are you really?"
Shepard had known Anderson since her N7 training days, and knew lying to him was pointless. He would get the answers he wanted from her regardless. He had told her years ago that the way she "compartmentalized and cataloged" her feelings was ok in certain instances, but if it could affect the crew or mission, she needed to speak up about it.
She looked her commanding officer directly in the eyes. "Honestly, sir, I'm very disappointed on how the mission went." Her eyes shifted to look slightly past Anderson, which the captain recognized as her tell for when she was analyzing things as she spoke out loud. "It started off all wrong. Going down there blind. Nothing showed on the HUD, but I still shouldn't have sent the rookie on point. I own Jenkins' death; it was a bad call on my part." Anderson started to disagree with her, but she cut him off, holding up a single finger, "Please, sir, allow me to finish." She paused slightly, finding her place back in thoughts, before continuing. "If it had not been for Williams' guidance, the beacon and the colony would likely have been lost. We were lucky to have found her; she was a true asset to the team down there and helped shed much needed light on the situation. I doubt we would have found the beacon and disarmed those bombs in time if it weren't for her. I recommend her staying as part of our crew. The enemies down there were geth, sir. They were placing humans on spikes. Turned them into monsters, husks of their former selves. Alenko's biotic abilities proved to be powerful against the husks…" she continued describing, in great detail, what they saw and how the battle went down there. Anderson, used to her very detailed oral reports, listened intently. "The dockworker saw another turian, who appeared to be a fellow Spectre and friend of Nihlus', shoot him dead in cold blood. The worker said Nihlus called the other turian Saren."
"Saren?!" Anderson exclaimed. "That son of a bitch." He pounded one fist into the other. His reaction caught Evelyn off-guard. "So Alenko did hear correctly. He told me this as well, but seeing as his priority at the time was securing the area, I had to hear it from you, too." Anderson looked down, placed his hand over his face, and shook his head. "Honestly, I was hoping he heard incorrectly. This is bad, Shepard. Real bad. Saren is one of the council's top agents. He's trouble: powerful, and doesn't like humans." Anderson stopped for a moment, sighed, and continued. "We're headed to the citadel. I need you to be ready to share your testimony to the council. Have Alenko and Williams go with you."
"Of course, sir." Evelyn said, placing her feet on the floor and standing up next to the bed. Anderson started to head out the door. "And Shepard," he paused and turned around just before exiting the room. "Don't blame yourself for Jenkin's death. Like you said, you had no idea what would be down there, no clue the hostiles wouldn't show up on your HUD, which showed you were clear to proceed. I know how you can beat yourself up about such things after missions, and I'm ordering you to let it go."
Evelyn knew disagreeing was pointless, and that Anderson was right. "Yes, sir. I won't dwell on it; I'll learn from it."
"Atta girl." Anderson smiled slightly as he nodded and left Shepard alone in the med bay. She stretched, her body aching from the battle and being in bed for so long. She started towards the door, when Pressly came in, nearly running into her. "You alright, commander?" he inquired sincerely.
"I'll be fine, Uncle Charlie." She winked. "No need to worry about me." Her conversation with Anderson had put her in a considerably better mood, and Pressly checking on her made her feel even better.
"I figured, but, your mother wouldn't forgive me if I didn't check on you," he said, sounding very serious. Too serious, even. Evelyn's jaw dropped, "Pressly, you didn't…"
"Of course not!" He interrupted, laughing. "Gotcha!" the two shared a laugh in the med bay before heading out. Evelyn should have known he was pulling her leg. He and her father always used to do this to her as a kid. And, she deserved it after calling him "Uncle Charlie" while on duty, anyways.
Kaidan had decided to wait in the mess just outside the door to the med bay for Shepard to come out. First he saw Anderson exit, busy and concerned, then Pressly rush in, also worried, and now Evelyn and Pressly laughing as they exited the infirmary. The change was a bit jarring. Pressly noticed Kaidan watching as the door closed behind them and immediately stopped laughing, assuming his usual, serious appearance. Pressly walked right passed Kaidan without acknowledging his presence, as if embarrassed Kaidan saw him in such a casual mood. Evelyn, however, approached Kaidan, the smile from her laughter just leaving her face.
"Commander, I'm glad to see you're ok. Losing Jenkins was hard enough on the crew, and I'm just glad we didn't lose you, too." Kaidan spoke, wearing his heart on his sleeve. His mentioning of Jenkins did, however, make it sound more business-like than personal.
"Things were pretty rough down there. How are you holding up?" Her response was as genuine as his statement had been.
"You never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn't seem right, somehow. But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony."
"I couldn't have done it without you, LT." she beamed back at him.
"We're marines, we stick together." He smiled back. Is she flirting with me? Kaidan wondered. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of that happening while they were on duty, in such plain sight of others, and decided to change the subject, just to be sure. "I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."
Kaidan wished he could take those words back as soon as he said them. He remembered Shepard's response to Jenkin's death on the battlefield, and worried that bringing their fallen comrade up would make Evelyn feel bad.
"Yeah…I wish I could have done something to save him…" her voice trailed off.
She went through hell earlier today and you're standing here reminding her of her mistakes. Great job, Alenko. He chastised himself. "I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck." He reassured Shepard but not only for her, but to make up his mistake to himself as well.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." She smiled. She could tell he wasn't meaning to make her feel bad by bringing up Jenkins, and had already put it behind her, anyways.
"It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise," Kaidan continued. "Our mission ends with one Spectre killing another. The Citadel Council's not gonna be happy about that. They'll probably use it to level more concessions out of the Alliance."
"Seems like you've got a good grasp of the situation, career man." She nodded knowingly. She had met him a decade ago, after all, when he had just finished basic.
"Yeah. You know a lot of biotics are. We're not restricted, but we don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it. Besides, my father served, remember?"
"Of course I do." The two smiled, recalling their first conversation together in Vancouver. "As did mine. Though, I think I ended up getting a bit more noteworthy than the folks expected."
"The Blitz," Kaidan said, his face changing. Shepard couldn't quite tell his expression. It seemed regretful, but it didn't make sense to her why. "I saw the news report that day. I thought about sending you a message…" he admitted. She blinked at him. She didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. He sighed uncomfortably and continued. "I even wrote a draft. I just, I don't know. It had been so long and, honestly, I didn't think you would remember me. Evidently, I was wrong." He looked down, embarrassed.
"It's ok, Kaidan," Evelyn said. "Don't worry about it." She gave him a pat on the shoulder. She surprised herself by acting to casual with him, especially considering they were on duty. She immediately straightened her posture and stepped back. Kaidan noticed the change in her demeanor, and changed his as well, along with the conversation. "Word is we're heading to the Citadel, ma'am. Can you tell me why?"
"The captain hopes the ambassador can we us an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren's been up to." She answered plainly. Professionally, they both thought.
"Makes sense. They'd probably like to know he's not working for them anymore. Whatever happens, we'll be ready, Commander."
"Good," Evelyn nodded. "Because you're coming with. Get your gear and meet me up on the bridge. Tell Williams to do so as well," she ordered.
"Aye, aye, Ma'am." He saluted, and the two went their separate ways.
A/N: Oooooh, looks like someone (or both) are starting to struggle with hiding their feelings! I wonder how much longer until Miss Independent finally caves. Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :)