Chasing Starlight – Chapter 9 – Haunting

A/N: I had such a sweet anonymous review – thank you so much, whoever you are!

PS: I don't own Mass Effect, Bioware does.

The rest of the day on the Citadel had gone by so quickly. After leaving Chora's Den, they found Garrus where Harkin said he would be, in the med-clinic, along with a bunch of thugs. Once they had taken care of that, they recruited the krogan bounty hunter that Barla Von had pointed them to, Wrex. Shepard, along with Kaidan, Ashley, Garrus, and Wrex, returned to Chora's Den and shook down the owner, Fist, who told them about a quarian who had evidence against Saren, but that she was in trouble. Wrex killed him after they were done talking with him, which bothered Shepard, but she understood why he did it. He had a contract to fulfill, after all, and she couldn't blame Wrex for keeping his word to the Shadow Broker. They saved the quarian, Tali, recruiting her as well, and obtained her damning evidence on Saren. Finally, the meeting with the council happened, resulting in….

Holy shit. I'm the first human spectre.

The weight of the pinnacle moment of the day finally fell on Shepard as she finished moving her things into Anderson's cabin and sat on the foot of the bed.

No, not Anderson's quarters. My quarters.

She felt terribly guilty about the fact that command of this amazing vessel had been ripped from Anderson's hands and forced into hers, but she understood the reasons why and vowed to do her best for him.

As soon as they came back aboard the Normandy, Shepard called a meeting with her squad to go over their next mission's plan. Anderson and Udina had given them three leads to pursue, one of which would lead them to a new specialist who could be helpful in the interpreting of Prothean data – an asari named Dr. Liara T'Soni. She also happened to be the daughter of Matriarch Benezia, who was clearly connected to Saren in some way. Shepar figured that regardless of if T'Soni was on the same side as her mother or not, she needed to be picked up. She also had a somewhat selfish secondary reason for wanting to acquire the asari first – Evelyn needed to understand what exactly those visions that had been burned into her mind meant, and a prothean expert's advice would be the best possibly way to figure it out. Shepard concluded the meeting by informing her crew of who she had decided to promote to XO. It had been an obvious choice for Evelyn – she needed someone with experience who she could trust inherently – and Charles Pressly fit the bill. He seemed weary of the aliens on board, and Evelyn appreciated that he trusted her enough to not challenge her, but she also knew he wouldn't hesitate to come to her if something was off.

Evelyn finished unpacking her things. She stashed her favorite bottle of whisky and N7 etched glass in the small cabinet at the bottom of her desk, set up her music applications, loaded her playlists on to her new computer, and gingerly placed her physical her copy of her current read, Pride and Prejudice next to her pillow. It was a large, thick, old book. Evelyn preferred the feel and smell of real pages when she read classic literature. She wanted to experience books how they would have been when they were first published. She stripped off her BDUs, folded them carefully, and set them on top of her dresser, as they had barely been worn that day. She completed her bedtime ritual by brushing and flossing her teeth, and then crawled into bed. She had planned to read a bit before going to sleep, but was exhausted and knew that the Normandy would be arriving in the system where they would be searching for the asari in about the same amount of time as a good night's rest. Seconds after her head hit the pillow, she was out.

Kaidan sleepily wandered into dark, empty mess hall. The lights were out because the majority of the crew was asleep, getting some important rest before the mission on Therum. Kaidan, however, had a migraine and could not sleep. He needed a glass of water to take his medication, and tried to be as quiet as he possibly could while walking through the mess to get a glass. He reached his hand up to open the cabinet, and heard a loud, horrified, scream come from what was now Shepard's cabin. He shook his head, told himself he must be imagining things, and proceeded to get a glass of water and take his medication. As he swallowed, he heard another, louder, more intense cry. Instinctively, he ran to Shepard's cabin's door. Kaidan paused, and could her hyperventilating even with it closed. He knocked at the door, softly once, and when there was no response, he rapped at the door again, with more force, at which point the door slid open. Silence greeted him.

The cabin was nearly pitch black, with only the low glare from her computer's dark monitor illuminating the room. Kaidan entered her quarters, and the door closed automatically behind him. He looked over to the bed, and saw Shepard sitting up in bed, her long legs over the side, wearing only a black camisole and boy shorts. She was breathing heavily, and what little light that filled the cabin reflected off her skin, revealing that it was drenched in sweat. Her head was buried down into her hands, her fingers intertwined in her damp, matted down, crimson hair, pulling it slightly.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered. She didn't respond to his voice. He took a few steps closer, and could see her shaking, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. She inhaled sharply, and started to sob, just barely audibly. He moved, swiftly and softly, and sat beside her on the bed. He wanted so badly to hold her and make the pain go away, but he reluctantly kept his arms at his sides, his fingers curled around the edge of the bed.

Without looking at Kaidan, Evelyn squeaked out, "why can't I get these visions out of my head?" She sniffed, and spoke more loudly, though still looking down. "I can always put my feelings into a box, but why not THIS?" Her gaze turned to Kaidan with the last word. "Why?" She asked, demanding an answer that she knew he could not give her. Her silver eyes were dark, wide, red from crying, and full of tears. Kaidan stared into her troubled orbs, wishing he knew what to say. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her hands move to her thighs, her fingers buckled, and nails dug sharply into her skin. Reflexively, Kaidan grabbed her hands and put them into his. He couldn't bear to watch her physically cause herself pain.

Evelyn relaxed slightly, allowing his warm, strong hands to hold her delicate, clammy ones. A feeling of familiarity came over her, and she spoke, as though thinking aloud.

"You…you were with me in the infirmary when I was unconscious. When I was out, I saw…all these horrible things, but then I felt a warm touch…That was you…wasn't it, Kaidan?

Kaidan nodded and whispered back the simple truth. "Yes."

"As soon as you did that, the visions went away…why?" She searched for answers both in his eyes and within her own mind. "This doesn't make any sense." She stood and started to pace around the room, growing more and more flustered and frustrated. "I should be able to handle this on my own – I can always handle things on my own."

Kaidan planted his feet firmly on the floor and rose off the bed. As he approached her, Evelyn's back was to him. He placed one hand on her shoulder, and she spun her body around towards his, her face, however, gazing down at the floor. Kaidan took his other hand and gently cupped her chin in his palm, tilting her head up to meet his.

"You're the strongest woman I know." Kaidan declared, his golden eyes reaffirming the sincerity of his words. "And yes, you can handle this. On your own." Shepard's slate-grey eyes met his whisky colored ones, indignantly, asking as they pierced into his if he really believed that she could. "It's just fresh right now, Evelyn, give it time." Kaidan answered.

Shepard plopped back down on the foot on the bed. "I handled Elysium on my own." She shook her head, "God, I hate this." Kaidan cautiously sat next to her. "The beacon was alien technology. The doctor doesn't even know what it did exactly to your mind." He placed a hand on her upper arm. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

Evelyn blinked away tears. "You're right, thank you." Her lips curved ever so-slightly upward, but quickly retreated back down. "Shit, this is embarrassing," she admitted.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I promise," his tone was sincere, kind, and understanding. "You're only human. It's ok to have feelings you know," he said, trying to lighten up the conversation. There was a significant pause in their conversation. In that silence, Kaidan suddenly felt the need to apologize again. "I still feel bad about this, you know. If I hadn't triggered that beacon…"

"Then I would have done it anyway while inspecting the damn thing myself," Shepard interrupted. "Please, Kaidan, don't blame yourself for what happened." What she said rang true with him, and finally, he forgave himself for what happened.

"So, 'Evelyn,' huh?" She asked, almost coyly. "Are you sure that's an appropriate way to address your commanding officer?"

Kaidan swallowed nervously. He hadn't even realized he had used her first name, and felt embarrassed now that she had pointed it out. "Sorry, ma'am."

She giggled, amused by his bashfulness. He hadn't realized she was pulling his leg. "No, actually, it's alright," she smiled. "That's who I was to you when we first met, after all." She swallowed, and admitted, "I actually prefer you to call me that when we aren't on duty. So few people even know my first name." She blushed a little, but the room was too dark for Kaidan to notice the slight flush in her cheeks. "And, well, we aren't exactly on duty right now." Her tone was matter-of-factly amicable, not the least bit suggestive.

Kaidan beamed back, "Evelyn, I…" his thoughts stopped his voice, and his smile vanished. No. Now isn't an appropriate time to tell her how you feel. She's been through hell tonight, and you're lucky to be here to comfort her. Don't take advantage of that. It wouldn't be right.

Shepard frowned when Kaidan stopped mid-sentence. She wanted so badly to know how it ended. "Kaidan," she whispered. "Thank you," her silver eyes twinkled like stars in the low light of the room. Kaidan searched her face; she was obviously thinking about something, but he couldn't tell what. Her eyes started to glaze over, tears filling them to the brim. Her lip turned slightly upward on one side as a drop glided down her face.

What Kaidan didn't know is that Shepard was battling internally with her own feelings. She knew she couldn't pursue a relationship with him, and yet, here he was, helping her though such a difficult time. He was so kind, warm, and it felt right being here with him. There was nothing forced about the way they were with each other right now; every interaction between them was so natural. But I'm his commanding officer. There are regulations against this. I can't have feelings for him. I just can't… But, what was he about to say? That he has feelings for me?

Kaidan couldn't stand to see her cry. He impulsively pulled Shepard into his chest, embracing her stiff frame. Instantaneously, her body betrayed her mind, and she relaxed in his warm, strong arms. Shepard knew she ought to pull away. But she didn't because right now, she needed this. She needed his embrace.

A few moments later, Shepard yawned, and gently pulled away. Kaidan released her, his eyes searching hers for what was to happen next. "Do you think you'll be alright?" he asked, worried that she would fall back into the night terrors.

"Yeah, thanks," she said, her tone indicating that she hoped she believed herself.

"Would you like me to stick around just in case?" Kaidan offered.

"No, that's alright. You need your rest." She paused, grinning. "Besides, it might raise a few eyebrows if you stayed in here all night," the two let out a soft chuckle.

"You're right," he nodded, and stood. "Well, I'll head back to the mess and sit there for a while." Kaidan could feel his medication beginning to make him drowsy. "I'll be there if you need me."

"I'll be fine," Evelyn insisted. She continued to smile, though; his offer was sweet. "Don't pass out at the table. If you start to fall asleep, please go to your pod." Her words could have been construed as an order, but Kaidan felt they were more meant as a request from a friend. He wasn't entirely sure, though, and decided it best to acknowledge them as if they were an order.

"Yes, ma'am." He beamed back, matching her somewhat professional, amiable tone. He headed towards the door, and stopped just short of where it would automatically open, turning his head back towards her, "See you in the morning, Shepard."

Kaidan took a step forward, the door opened on cue, and he headed out of the room. Evelyn settled back into bed, grinning, feeling much better than she had before. Her mind raced, recalling the encounter they had just had, the flirtatious moments on the citadel, outside the med bay, boarding Normandy. Her mind ventured all the way back to Vancouver, replaying their entire day. She sighed. Damn it, woman. There must be a reason his touch calmed you down. A reason he was here tonight. She pictured his smile. He's so damned handsome and charming…Am I falling for him? Maybe…but, I can't. …Damn it, what am I going to do?

As Evelyn drifted into slumber, her mind wandered back to the beacon. She gasped and she sat up in bed. Worried the vision would return, she moved slowly to the door of her cabin.

Kaidan sat in the mess hall with a tall glass of water. Once he finished it, his migraine was almost entirely gone. He started to nod off, and knew he could not keep himself awake any longer. He remembered Shepard's request and headed to bed.

Not a moment after Kaidan secured himself in his sleeper pod and closed his eyes, did Shepard slip out of her cabin. When she saw that no one was sitting at the tables, she remembered Kaidan's words from earlier and reassured herself that she could do this on her own; that Kaidan not being there was fate telling her she was strong enough. She headed back to bed, smiled proudly, and peacefully fell asleep.

A/N: Also, as promised, there WILL be smut coming, but it's still a few chapters away. I'll "warn" you when it's here. ;) More fluff coming next chapter! PS: I'm always open to feedback here. Thank you to anyone reading! Feel free to say hi. :)