Chapter 12 – Madness

A/N: Bonus chapter in honor of tumblr's Mass Effect Appreciation Week! Title for this chapter is the same as the Muse song referenced. I swear, I'm done with the music references after this one…for now. ;)

Kaidan stood in the middle of the dance floor, heart-broken and unsure of himself. Only seconds before he had been happier than ever. He thought he'd finally found a woman who accepted him for who he was, who wouldn't reject him because of his biotics or call him a monster, but she too ran after he made himself vulnerable. Confused, upset, and angry with himself, he wandered back over to the bar. Before he could get anyone's attention to order another drink, Joker appeared next to him.

"Hey, man, it looked like things were going really well out there!" Joker teased and gently nudged Kaidan with his elbow, clearly oblivious to the fact that Evelyn just left.

"Yeah, it was." Kaidan replied with a heavy emphasis on the last word, frowning.

Joker's lips turned downwards to match Kaidan's. "Shit, dude, what happened?" he asked, concerned.

Kaidan exhaled heavily and shrugged. "I kissed her. She kissed me back. And then she ran away."

Joker raised an eyebrow with the first statement, then furrowed both together at the end of Kaidan's explanation. "Kaidan, I'm sorry man."

"Yeah…" Kaidan sighed and tried to get the bartender's attention.

"Wait a sec," Joker interrupted, coming to a realization. "You said she kissed you back?" he asked as if he had a plan.

"Yeah. And then she ran away." Kaidan clarified once again.

Joker didn't hesitate in his response. "Kaidan, you have to go find her and figure out what the hell happened. Shepard would not have kissed you back if she didn't want to."

Joker's words rang true to Kaidan. He's right, Kaidan thought. Shepard is decisive. She thinks things through. She wouldn't have kissed you back if she didn't want to. Hell, she didn't even run away immediately. It wasn't until the song ended that she did…what was she thinking about between our kiss and the end of our dance? Kaidan patted Joker on the back lightly. "You're right. Thanks, Joker." He quickly exited the club without waiting for a response from his friend, and began to trace the steps back that Shepard would likely have taken to return to their ship.

Shepard headed down to her cabin, the Normandy still mostly empty from everyone taking the night off. Evelyn sat at her computer, figuring that researching upgrades would be the only way to take her mind off of the kiss she just shared with Kaidan. She always worked while listening to music, and out of habit pulled up her favorite and longest playlist, "Twenty-First Century Music," putting it on shuffle. She forced herself to work through the first song, Kaidan coming to her mind with every pause in her train of thought. The moment the second song started, her concentration was doomed. It was the same artist she and Kaidan danced to in the club, Muse. Shepard dropped her hands from her keyboard, the lyrics demanding her attention.

I, I can't get these memories out of my mind
And some kind of madness has started to evolve
I, I tried so hard to let you go
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah.

I have finally seen the light
And I have finally realized
What you mean.

And now, I need to know is this real love
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?

She paused the song mid-verse; she couldn't bear to hear any more. Her hands were shaking, her eyes watering. Here she was, trying to distract herself from Kaidan, and something that had always spoken to her, music, kept him in the forefront of her mind. Evelyn knew it would take more than just work to move past things tonight. She fetched her private stash of American Bourbon and searched for her N7 etched double old-fashioned glass. She sighed upon the realization that it must be in the sink in the mess, placed the bottle on her desk, and headed out the door to retrieve her favorite drinking glass.

The door to her cabin swooshed open - and there he was. Kaidan was standing just on the other side of the threshold, barely even half a step away.

"Kaidan," Evelyn exclaimed, hushed.

"Shepard, I…" he stammered.

Too many coincidences, Evelyn thought. She always tended to believe that a coincidence was simply version of fate, and realized that she could no longer sweep the ones involving her and Kaidan under the rug. Silently, Evelyn took a step back and gestured for Kaidan to come in. The second the door closed, his husky voice filled the room.

"Evelyn, I'm…"

"Please," she interrupted. This conversation had to happen now. She needed to say her piece before he said his, for fear she would lose her nerve if he spoke first. "Just…" she struggled to find words, and sighed. "I was trying to do some research. I put on my twenty-first century music playlist. On shuffle. It has hundreds of songs. Then this comes on…" Evelyn replayed the very same song that distracted her only a moment ago. Kaidan listened to the pulsing bass line, which almost sounded as if it stuttered. He immediately recognized the vocalist as the same one from the songs they were dancing to earlier that night when they kissed. He listened intently to the lyrics, and quickly realized that Shepard has having them speak for her.

She can't forget the memories. She can't forget the times we've shared.

She's struggling with her feelings. She tried to let the ones for me go.

Now…she realizes what I mean…to her? Or my intentions? Kaidan wasn't exactly sure what the second part meant to her.

"I need to know is this real love" …It is for me. Kaidan thought. I'm sure of it.

She paused the song there, in the same place she had just before they ran into each other at her door. She sat in her chair at her desk, her eyes gazing at the floor, searching for the words to say.

"I never forgot our day in Vancouver," she managed to get out.

"Neither did I," Kaidan admitted.

"I…." she sighed and turned the chair to face him, but her eyes still lingered at his feet. "I'm so sorry. I'm not very good at this." She swallowed the lump of nervousness in her throat. "It's just that…I've never felt like this about anyone before. Ever." Evelyn brought up her steel-colored eyes to face him. Kaidan moved over and sat on the edge of the bed, turning his body towards her, its language encouraging her to take her time.

"I've never believed in coincidences," she admitted. "I believe in fate." She paused, looked down again, and shook her head. "But here I was, taking the most important emotions I've ever felt and dismissing all the moments that supported them. Telling myself they were just silly coincidences, not fate." Kaidan hesitantly put a hand on Evelyn's shoulder. She relaxed slightly at his touch. "I've never done this before," she admitted, looking at his amber orbs, seeing the question in Kaidan's eyes. Never done what before?

"I've never had a boyfriend before. Been in a relationship before. Hell, I've never even had feelings for anyone like I do for you before."

Kaidan could hardly believe it. How could someone as gorgeous, talented, and charming as her be 29 years old and have always remained single?

But he didn't have to verbalize his question. "I know, you're wondering how that's possible. Thinking it doesn't make any sense," Evelyn continued, openly. "I never saw the point."

"Why?" he simply breathed out, the one thought in this conversation he had yet to sound out.

"Two reasons. One being logic." Shepard sighed. "I knew either I would move, or whatever boy I was interested in would, and that it wouldn't last." This reasoning didn't really surprise Kaidan - he already knew how cerebral she could be - but it also didn't explain her emotional reaction earlier on the dance floor.

"That, combined with losing my dad…" Evelyn's eyes began to glisten, pools forming around the bottom lids. Now it made sense. "Seeing what his death did to my mom…" a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Evelyn," Kaidan started, wiping the salty drop from her face.

"Please Kaidan, I'm not quite finished." He nodded, and let her continue. "My dad was killed in action when I was only twelve years old. His remains were cremated and compressed into one of the stars on the memorial wall in Shin Akiba...where Pressly and I went earlier tonight." Kaidan gently rubbed the back of her shoulder with one of his warm, strong hands. "Once I joined the Alliance, I decided that I never wanted to make anyone feel the way my mother felt when he was killed…the way I felt...And because of that, I would never be with anyone. Never allow myself to fall for anyone." She balled her hands into tiny fists. "But then, you came along, and…I…" her eyes drifted away from his face. "I just…" Kaidan watched her patiently with amorous amber eyes as she searched for the right words. "I'm no longer sure that's what I want."

Evelyn closed her eyes and more tears started to flow down the sides of her cheeks. Shepard's fists remained tense, reflecting her inner battle. Kaidan warmly squeezed her hands, and when she relaxed them, he brushed his fingers gently across her cheek, removing damp evidence of her sorrow. Evelyn blinked her eyes open, searching his for answers. Kaidan returned his grasp back to her delicate, trembling hands, clasping them tenderly, and smiled.

"I know what I want, Shepard," he admitted. "I've known for years."

Her shimmering silver eyes begged him to tell her more. His amber ones poured into hers, delighted to oblige. "I want to be with you. To love you."

"Kaidan," Evelyn slid off of her chair and next to Kaidan on the bed. She collapsed in his arms, warm and safe as he held her firmly. I do, too, Kaidan. Evelyn said to herself, debating whether to admit it to him. After she had finished relishing in his embrace and had decided what to say, Evelyn placed her hands on Kaidan's chest and drew back slightly from him, casting her silver eyes upon his. "I want to be with you, Kaidan," she finally confessed, smiling as more tears gathered. "I'm just so scared."

Kaidan tucked a lock of hair that had fallen in her face back to its proper place behind her ear. "We're both soldiers, we know the risks," he said reassuringly. "But it's worth it to me."

"Me too." Evelyn murmured as she buried her head in his chest, the wetness from her eyes staining his shirt. She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on tight. Kaidan kissed the top of her head lovingly, comfortingly. Once she had stopped sobbing, Shepard looked upon Kaidan's handsome face once more, her pink lips sweetly turned upward. "We'll have to mind the regulations, you know. I don't want anything happening to your career." Her fingers swept over his rough, stubbly cheek as she spoke.

"Of course, Shepard," Kaidan smiled back in agreement, holding her hand against his face. "And I wouldn't want to harm yours, either." He gently pulled her hand toward his lips, and softly pressed them against it. "Anytime we're on duty, we put this on the shelf for later."

Evelyn felt so relieved to hear Kaidan say that. Compartmentalizing feelings was something she had always been good at, and hoped that now the air had been cleared between them that she could keep her feelings in check more easily. Knowing he understood the complexity of the situation reassured her that he could do the same.

As Kaidan continued to hold Shepard, he realized something. "Wait – so, tonight, our kiss on the dance floor…."

"Was my first kiss…ever." Shepard confessed, blushing.

A/N: Aww, yay! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it!